The Dark Window

Defenestration

2004-12-08T13:59:00.000-08:00

We would like to apologize for the recent lack of posting here at the Dark Window. Unfortunately, due to several recent events, the Window will probably be remaining dark for quite some time to come. Indefinitely, one might say. We hope this doesn't cause too much inconvenience (although we have a very hard time imagining what, exactly, that inconvenience might be). If you miss our sarcastic take on life in the meantime, we strongly urge you to read (daily) our two favorite humorous blogs: World o'Crap and Sadly, No! as well as the other fine websites listed over to your right.

We hope to be back with our usual inane commentary sometime in the not-too-distant future but, well, we can't really make any promises. Just recognize our awareness that a day without Debbie Daniel is a sad day indeed.

- ~~The Management~~ Pete

Prepare to be doubly horrified

2004-11-24T05:39:00.000-08:00

Well dear friends, it has now come to this. Pete M. is away and who should show up but us, Sadly, No! If there ever was a time when the name of our blog was a fitting response, that time is now. In order to help you deal with this temporary transition, we have prepared a Questions & Answers post below -- a comedic device invented by us over the weekend and used for the first time ever here.

Q: Dear Sadly: While I kind of tolerate your "humour" over at your blog, the last thing I need when I visit The Dark Window is more of that crap and less of Pete M. goodness. Aren't you in effect replacing our diet of Alpo Supreme with drinking out of the toilet by posting here?

A: Questions such as these -- they're reminders to all Americans that they need to watch what they say, watch what they do. This is not a time for remarks like that; there never is.

Q: Well, as long as you're here, do you know what has become of Amber Pawlik?
A: Yes. Amber has decided not to write anymore unless she gets paid for it. Unsurprisingly, this means she isn't writing anymore.

Q: Have you offered to pay her with gratuitous insults and childish remarks about her appearance?
A: Our accountants have told us our account is overdrawn.

Q: So why am I reading this blog?
A: Because it's on the internet!

Q: Is is true that Carey Roberts is 134 years old?
A: No. That picture was taken two years ago. .

Q: Is Roberts insane?
A: Looks that way to us:

According to socialist-feminist theory, a vast anti-female conspiracy known as the "patriarchy" controls the social order. When you ask a feminist to explain that mind-boggling statement, she invariably points to the fact that the great majority of elected officials are male. And according to the Marxist analysis, those callous male patriarchs look out only for their own kind, leaving women neglected and downtrodden.

Q: What does chivalry mean according to Roberts?
A: It means that men should support the children they father, and neither beat nor sexually harass women.

Q: You're joking, right?
A: Sadly, No!

Q: Are you going to introduce us to new wingnuts while you're here, or are you just going to ridicule whatever crap you find on Renew America or WorldNetDaily.
A: That depends -- are you familiar with Justin Darr or Judson Cox?

Q: Never mind -- looks like we know the answer.
A: You're welcome.

Thank You

2004-11-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

I would like to take a moment to offer my sincere gratitude to everybody who sent such lovely thoughts, condolences, and encouragement during the last few days. I was very touched by all the warm wishes and kind sentiments. Everything you wrote and said made things a little easier and a little less lonely.

And now for a bit of good news. After my friend Sunny's memorial celebration this evening, I'm going to be leaving town for a few days. What's the good news there, you ask? Well, the good news is that this blog will probably become funnier while I'm gone than it's ever been before.

You see, the self-proclaimed third-funniest person on the internet may (or may not) stop by to keep you entertained in my absence (Note my relative position on his list). So keep checking back if you want to howl with derisive laughter at one of the legendary humorists of ~~Canadian descent living in central Germany~~ our time.

Again, thank you for all the encouragement and warm thoughts. And thank you for sharing the memory and magic of my dear friend. I'll see you next week.

Sunny

2004-11-19T04:49:00.000-08:00

My friend Sunny Perkins died this week from severe injuries sustained in an automobile accident far too horrible for me to describe. She was an artist. She was a dancer. She was unbelievably beautiful. She was warm and she was caring and she gave without asking anything in return. She was 27 years old.

I have no idea how to offer any sort of appropriate tribute. Anything I might include would be far outweighed by what I forgot to mention and that thought makes me want to stop right here.

But let me show you a photograph.

That was taken the night I met Sunny. Cagney and Harlow have nothing on us, we said as we laughed. We always laughed. And then as that crazy party raged all around us, we somehow found a quiet corner and Sunny mentioned Saul Bass (who mentions Saul Bass?) and I said, Saul Bass? Are you kidding me? and we knew right then that we shared a glorious dark bond and a warm, kindred spirit.

I find myself hating words at this moment. Words (especially my words) cannot begin to convey the life and fire and magic of this luminous girl. At a time when words are all I have, words have become meaningless.

I'm sitting here at my desk trying to hold on to some piece of you, Sunny, but you're disappearing and I'm terrified because of it. I feel like I'm trying to hold water in my hands. No matter how hard I try, it slips through my grasp, and nothing I can do or say or even write will change this.

So since I have no words, I'll simply offer a memory.

It's one of those magical drizzly winter evenings we only have in San Francisco. You know the kind. We're sitting at the bar in a nearly empty 500 Club drinking Mandarin and Sodas and you decide we need to play a game of pinball. Sure, I say, but you're going to lose. You laugh and punch me in the arm (a little too hard, I might add) and we amble over to the machine. I put a couple of quarters in and you kiss me on the cheek but I'm already focusing on the game with the competitive ferocity of a 6 year-old. And we play and we play and we tell each other dumb stories and we listen to endless songs by the Cure and the Smiths and every so often we look out through the open door and see the lights glowing softly outside in the real world and realize there's no place we need to be, no place we need to go, and we're simply here and we're happy and it's now. And then we look at each other and we giggle like little kids and you jab my flipper so I'll miss the ball and by the time we've finished laughing we can't figure out who won anyway.

Farewell, Sunny. I love you. I always loved you. I'm sorry I never told you those kinds of things while you were here.

Sharing Christ's Love Against The Homos

2004-11-10T01:17:00.000-08:00

When we first began the Dark Window back in May, we wrote a few pieces about one of our all-time favorite Wing Nuts: Jack Chick. Unfortunately, for reasons that were explained at the time, we were forced to stop linking to his delightful comics (something which still causes us great sadness). Maybe you know the ones we're talking about. The comics with devils running around saying "Haw Haw" and people getting consigned to the fires of hell on a nearly page-by-page basis.

In spite of our inability to link to his cartoons, we still check in on his website regularly (even if we don't write about him) because, well, there's nobody even remotely like Jack. If you're curious, make sure you check out some of his legendary tracts. We especially recommend "Big Daddy," "Angels," "Dark Dungeons," and "The Tycoon."

As we were enjoying Jack's latest newsletter, we came across a rather extraordinary article. It seems that a group of street witnessers was jailed in Philadelphia for sharing God's love with homosexuals.

Hate speech laws are gaining momentum but a test case is in court in Philadelphia. Eleven members of a street witnessing team from Repent America were arrested and jailed for 21 hours. The team was attempting to witness at a homosexual "Outfest" on public property.

Repent America. That name rang a bell and then I remembered why. They made a big scene here in San Francisco when the gay marriages were taking place. They forced their way into the courthouse and tried to save marriage by preventing anybody there from getting married. Maybe you've seen some of the Christ-like photos:

I'm just going to be honest with you here. If a man wears a fanny pack in public, he should be arrested simply on principle.

So what happened when our friends took their show to Philadelphia? Something we're having a very hard time understanding. Listen:

The original charges read to them included three felonies and five misdemeanors. Felonies were for "ethnic intimidation," "criminal conspiracy," and "possession of instruments of crime." Misdemeanors included "riot," "failure to disperse," and "disorderly conduct." If convicted as charged, they could face up to 47 years in prison. One member of the team, a 67-year-old woman is still in custody at this writing on a previous warrant in connection with an abortion clinic protest 9 years ago, that she had been told was cleared.

Ethnic Intimidation. I just want you to think about that one for a moment.

Say hi to the Red State Jesus, ladies and gentlemen. As long as you're white, that is.

World Net Daily Explains Sex

2004-11-09T01:05:00.000-08:00

Sex is bad.

That's pretty much all you need to know if you're going to be a good values-driven Right Wing Nut.

Fortunately, World Net Daily, one of the largest conservative "news" organizations on the Internet, is all over this "sex" thing today with a couple of helpful articles talking about how more people are having sex than ever before and that this is all the fault of one certain Democrat.

First off, we have Joseph Farah, that lovely paragon of Christian charity and love, the editor-in-chief of World Net Daily, explaining to us that Democrats who claim to be Christians are lying. Here's how he responds to a question Patricia Ireland, former president of NOW, recently asked:

She asked during a debate on the Fox News Channel: "If ... lesbian and gay rights issues were such a serious kind of value, a core value, why did Jesus never talk about them?"

Of course, the answer is that homosexuals have no special rights that distinguish what they do and who they are. They have only the same rights the rest of humanity has. The question should be more appropriately asked of people like Ireland, who pretend to be Christians, while asserting values that are contrary to the Christian faith and the Judeo-Christian tradition.

So we now have a new standard in matters of faith. If Joe says you aren't a Christian, then you damn well aren't a Christian.

God's Right Hand Man

Not surprisingly, Farah decides to use his power on more than simply Patricia.

My point is that people like Patricia Ireland, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton like to pretend they are operating under the same value system that led to Western Civilization, the same value system that resulted in the founding of America, the same value system that was taught by Jesus and the Hebrew prophets before Him.

They are not.

And then our militaristic friend goes on to say something fairly extraordinary:

It doesn't matter to them what Jesus taught. But they know it still matters to enough Americans. And if enough Americans see through their charade, then they can't win elections. And if they can't win elections, they can't impose their different morality on you.

Fortunately, Farah cares about all the things that Jesus taught.

Let's leave Holy Joe behind for a moment and move on to even more pornographic pastures. You see, World Net Daily's subscription magazine, The Whistleblower, is all about sex this month. And how sex is bad. And how in the 1950s nobody ever had sex outside of wedlock but now everybody does.

Whistleblower documents with devastating clarity exactly how America was transformed in five decades from the "Leave it to Beaver" innocence of the 1950s to today's wanton, "anything-goes" sexual anarchy:

Am I the only one who finds it funny that World Net Daily chose a television program called "Leave it to Beaver" to represent sexual purity? They might have been better off using that title as an argument against gay marriage.

First, there's the multi-billion-dollar pornography industry, which through the Internet is magically being transported into previously unreachable market territory – namely, the sanctity of millions of middle-class homes. There are 4.2 million pornographic websites – that's 12 percent of all websites in the world, totaling 372 million pornographic pages. Pornographic search engine requests total 68 million per day.

Given how many people find the Dark Window by actively searching for things like "Ann Coulter nude" or "Debbie Daniel spreads" or "Vox Day gardening in a pink thong," I've got to wonder just how innocent those sanctified middle-class homes really are.

And when it comes to passing blame for sin, you know what's coming next.

Then there is the youthful epidemic of "hooking up" – widespread, casual recreational sex, often with multiple partners. Turbo-charged by President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky's high-profile example – "if it's OK for the president, it must be OK for me" – middle and high school children are experimenting with sex in the bathroom stalls at school, behind the gym, and in the back of the school bus. More children, at earlier ages, are engaging in sexual acts than ever before.

That's right! It's all Clinton's fault! And it always will be!

Welcome to the new reality of loving Christian Wing Nut values. Just don't get on Farah's bad side or, you know, you're probably going to wind up in hell.

Debbie Daniel And The Exit Polls Of Doom

2004-11-08T01:19:00.001-08:00

It's no secret that everybody's trying to figure out exactly what happened during last Tuesday's election. Fortunately, we have our wise-beyond-years dear sweet precious Debbie Daniel to explain it to us.

Thanksgiving came early this year. I'm ready for a big turkey dinner . . . a feast . . . a celebration! Americans prayed and God answered . . . just like He always does.

Hooray for God!

This 2004 election was a referendum on the decency and morals of the American people. Christianity was being tested and there was a point where we had to let go and let God take control.

Mainly because Christianity was up the whole night before the election cramming for the test.

I experienced this first hand on Election Day when I realized there was not a single thing I could do to ward off the misinformation we were getting from the network media exit polls.

Kind of interesting that none of the network media was actually mentioning said exit polls.

They were absolutely manifesting situations that weren't happening, in hopes that we would buy into their propaganda and it would possibly make a difference in the outcome of the election.

Either Debbie was using her special powers to see a couple of hours into the future or Matt Drudge is now the network media. Either way, God help us.

I am absolutely convinced this is the case, but I couldn't prove it.

Have you ever heard a better Wing Nut slogan?

The exit polls were so far-fetched that I couldn't imagine what was going on. The media was determined to bring down the President and we could do nothing.

The frustration and helplessness I felt had just about consumed me with anger when I heard a still small voice speaking to me from a place deep in my heart saying, "Let go of it, Debbie . . . this is now in God's hands. There's nothing you can do."

That voice, of course, belonged to Herb – one of the other personalities fortunate enough to share Debbie's mind.

Debbie

Have we not seen a miracle?

Too bad Cecil B. DeMille wasn't around to make a movie about this miracle too. I can see it now: Charlton Heston (playing George W. of course) parts the red exit polls and escapes the evil clutches of Dan Rather (played by Yul Brenner in a bad wig). Edward G. Robinson reprises his role as Herb, the voice in Debbie's head.

Herb

We watched the network media "lose" to George Bush. It was as great a victory as the final countdown against Mr. Kerry. The look on their faces was a treasure to behold.

Maybe I'm missing something here but I don't remember any of the network media people talking about exit polls.

Unless I'm terribly mistaken, this will have a much more far-lasting effect than anyone can imagine. The network media's efforts were short of criminal in trying to sway public opinion with total untruths.

Short of criminal indeed.

I hope in the days ahead they will pay a heavy price for what was done.

You know, reporting the election results and stuff after the polls had closed.

And the media certainly gave no credence to the "prayer warriors" of this great land.

And they have the nerve to call themselves objective!

When people started praying . . . God listened . . . and He answered. That gave us a tremendous edge in this election, and you can't discount the power of prayer.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. No discounting allowed. The power of prayer is expensive. How else do you expect people like Benny Hinn and Paul Crouch to get so rich?

The heartland bled for Bush and the numbers show it. Power to the people . . . they've spoken again. Is the network media listening?

Is a trained psychiatrist?

Glamour Shot Swank Shares His Wisdom

2004-11-05T09:11:00.000-08:00

It should probably come as no surprise that our old friend Joseph Swank is out there crowing about the election and how it was a victory for God Himself. It should probably also come as no surprise that he's decided that John Kerry's loss has a great deal to do with the woman the Right loves to hate the most: Hillary.

His latest work of genius is entitled Dems Say 'Hillary For Pres'?? They Just Don't Get It!!

This morning’s NEW YORK TIMES’ Raymond Hernandez headlines his piece with "For the Moment, Mrs. Clinton Looks Like the Candidate to Beat."

Beat what? Beat the air? No doubt.

I don't even know what the hell that's supposed to mean, Joe.

If Hillary were posited, she’s another Kerry, like duh?

I'm beginning to think old Glamour Shot Swank's been spending too much time in the photo booth and not enough learning the English language.

Glamour Shot Swank

She’s a clone of Kerry and Edwards and Kennedy+put together.

Except that Swank will turn around tomorrow and say that she's not at all like them because she's so much more evil. It's amazing how these morons can say anything at all, whether it has any basis in reality, and nobody challenges them.

She’s a reminder of the Bill Clinton who did absolutely nothing for Kerry in the final days of the Dem campaign.

You know, the guy who'd just had heart surgery...

There was Diane Sawyer stroking Billy boy like a mamma patting her little boy. It was the interview of laughs and smiles and kiss-ups major. Diane asked about his heart surgery. How was he feeling now? She hoped he wasn’t pushing it with all the speeches he was delivering. And yadayadayada and more of same for a whole hour. It was enough to give stomach cramps.

Uh huh. Anybody in the media who'd show respect to a former President (especially one who'd just had heart surgery) is a fraud. These are the Christian Values Swank keeps talking about. Keep that in mind.

Yet with all that adulation, Billy boy did absolutely nothing for Kerry and Team. Do the Dems think that Billy boy standing alongside Hillary in four years is going to do anything for the Dems but damn them to oblivion?

So Kerry lost because Clinton did nothing. And Hillary will likewise lose because Clinton will do something. Glamour Shot is arguing two completely opposite points in one paragraph.

Dems needs to find a Bush clone. Surely there must be a Bush clone in their vast display. Now come now. Not all Dems are stupid. So let the Dems fish around for a Bushite to put up — one with biblical morals and principles and a lifestyle in keeping with the outlandish voting block that put GWB back in the Oval Office.

Looks like somebody found a crack pipe while wandering through the mall.

If the Dems can’t scour around for that kind of candidate, they may as well hang up their hearts on a willow tree for there’s nothing left.

If we're reduced to finding a candidate like George W. then there really is nothing left.

Jesus Christ Slam Dunks The Left!

2004-11-05T01:05:00.000-08:00

That's Jerry Falwell's take on the election anyway. He's got a new piece out entitled The Left Threw Its Best Punch ... and Failed.

Tuesday’s re-election of President George W. Bush and the election of a number of new conservative lawmakers across the nation astonished liberal newsmen, pundits and handlers who, hours earlier, had believed allegedly rigged exit polls and were confidently whispering that a new mandate was going to sweep the nation.

Kind of like those millions of people who believed allegedly moronic snake oil salesmen and confidently voted to keep things exactly as they are.

And speaking of allegations, this might be a good time to make something clear. I don't write these things because I'm anti-Christian. If you would like to know the truth, I even went to graduate seminary. Most members of my family (whom I love very much) live in red states and most of them are Christians. My dad and grandfather are even pastors.

My point in saying all this is that we at the Dark Window are not here to mock anybody's faith or to blame this election on 50 million "dumb people" out there in the dark middle of our continent. We actually find it somewhat distressing (and entirely counterproductive) that so many on the Left are doing this.

What we are saying is that (a) we have to begin to find ways to make inroads with those people who voted the way they did and (b) we also have to point out the idiocy of those who would use faith as a weapon to bludgeon their political opponents.

I know I've said this a thousand times but I'll say it again: Many of those church-going people in the middle of the country would be very well served by Left Wing ideals. We need to start sharing a positive (and clear) message with them rather than simply defining ourselves by who we aren't. This is certainly not an impossible challenge. Of course it's also not an easy one.

But back to Jerry.

So what happened? After more than 25 years since I formed the Moral Majority and began mobilizing evangelicals to participate in the political process, I actually realized the fruit of my labors nationwide as Macel and I watched the election returns into the early hours of Wednesday.

Kind of a coincidence. I recognized a genuine fruit as I read this column.

I could not hold back the tears of joy.

While Macel couldn't stop crying about the fact that her husband has man-breasts.

Dark Window Exclusive: Jerry can't hold back on the sensual dance moves during his election celebration.

Hour by hour, we observed a "slam dunk" as the Church of Jesus Christ made the difference in initiating the return of this nation to moral sanity and the Judeo-Christian ethic.

We talked about this yesterday here at the Dark Window but it bears repeating. Think about how idiotic that statement is. Jerry's telling us that by re-electing the same President and keeping the same party in control of Congress we've initiated some sort of drastic change. He also not-so-subtly implies that this "change" will cause our nation to become an idyllic Godly paradise.

The so-called political experts had forgotten to count a significant voting bloc, namely the millions of evangelical voters who went to the polls in droves to “vote Christian.”

And by "vote Christian," Jerry is talking about gays and guns. But when you think about it, why else did Christ bother to come to earth than for those two reasons?

I’m not suggesting that we elected a bunch of fire-and-brimstone evangelists to office this week, but Christians collectively determined which candidates most closely held ideals that parallel our own biblically-based moral values and we went to the polls to support those candidates.

I'm not going to suggest that one party has any monopoly on moral values. The Left certainly doesn't. But by that same token, the Right obviously doesn't either. Yet millions of people believe the Right Wing noise machine shrieking forth just that idea day after day.

Want something to do? Start figuring out ways to counteract that message.

Thousands of pastors were stirring their congregations to distinguish the issues, know the combatants and be geared up to vote.

I don't even want to mock that because by doing so I might lessen its impact. It's terrifying but let it sink in.

We have to acknowledge that millions of people out there went to church last Sunday and received Christian Coalition voter guides that showed which candidates stood where on a few very targeted Right Wing issues. That's a place where we had no voice at all.

We should all feel a sense of accomplishment and thankfulness to God for blessing our efforts. We must never forget that people of faith in this country, joined by political and fiscal conservatives, successfully withstood Hollywood, Springsteen, Affleck, Baldwin, the Dixie Chicks (now called the French Hens by some), billionaire George Soros and his ilk, all the 527s, most of the national print and broadcast media, the gays and lesbians, the abortionists, the entire liberal establishment... and about $2 billion of hate-inspired media and campaign expenditures.

The irony we're dealing with here is extreme. We've come to a point where Jerry Falwell (the guy who blamed the ACLU for 9/11) can cast his opponents as hate-inspired evil-doers with complete impunity.

The left threw its best punch and George Bush and social conservatism are alive and well. To God be all the glory!

Via Jerry and Pat, of course!

“If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land” (II Chronicles 7:14).

Again and again we hear this refrain. Our nation has repented and made a great change by keeping the same people in office. Unfortunately, nobody seems to be countering this asinine argument.

That verse is more powerful than any exit poll. And it will sustain us against any rising political tide that seeks to counter biblical morality, if we remain true to that verse’s unique guidelines.

The groundwork is already being laid. Jerry and friends have already begun to instruct their flocks that any political movement which questions the leadership of Mr. Bush is questioning the Bible itself. This is a fight we have to join now because the Right isn't wasting any time.

Now that we have acted, we cannot rest for long.

Let us commit to continuing Tuesday’s mandate by keeping our nation, our leaders and the peace of Jerusalem at the forefront of our prayers and efforts.

Tomorrow is now, readers. If you don't do something, nobody will.

Update: Steve M. (no known relation to me) over at No More Mister Nice Blog has a great take on the kinds of Christian values the Wing Nuts keep espousing. Go check it out.

Thrilling Days of Yesteryear

2004-11-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

We'd like to offer our warmest congratulations to our friend Ivan Shreve (you may know him from the Dark Window or World o'Crap comment sections) who runs one of the coolest sites anywhere on the web - a site that is celebrating its one-year anniversary today. It's called Thrilling Days of Yesteryear and offers a delightful daily meditation on the magic and wonder of old Hollywood films and old-time radio. If you have any interest at all in those things, you'll find the site invaluable. We very much like Ivan and are pretty certain you will too. He always has a kind word and an infectious optimism and he knows more about old-time radio and film than any human being has a right to know. Please stop by and wish him well.

Asking Why

2004-11-04T01:05:00.000-08:00

I've been asked several times since I started this blog why I spend so much time and energy writing about such seemingly fringe characters. Well, the answer is simple. They're not nearly as far to the fringe as you probably think. Hopefully Tuesday's election will serve as a good wake-up call.

Just check out what Hal Lindsey had to say about Bush's victory:

In my opinion, this whole drama shows that God is still on the throne and that He has a further purpose for the United States in these last days’ events.

Where else would God be, Hal? In the bathroom? At the mall?

If you know the paradoxical nature of Lindsey's political/eschatological teachings concering the United States, you know that what he believes to be God's "further purpose for the United States in these last days" is not a pretty thing.

The point I'm trying to make is that people like Hal Lindsey have a vast influence out there in the hinterland, an influence that we on the coasts may never notice. But it's certainly there and, unfortunately, it's a very visceral influence.

It is definitely grace for America and a chance to repent and turn back to the faith of our Fathers who sacrificed to establish this unique experiment in freedom and Judeo-Christian values that are woven into our foundation documents.

Stop and think about that argument for a moment. Repent means to change direction completely. Repent means to recognize one's faults and then purpose to change them. If you repent, you change your mind and your way of life. For far too long, we've allowed the Right to say whatever they want with complete impunity, without challenging idiotic statements like the one above. Do you realize how many people voted for George W. Bush because they wanted change? That's how far we've let them go.

You probably think Hal's a nut. I agree. But don't make the mistake of thinking he's a marginal character. Hal Lindsey (and Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell) won this election for Mr. Bush. It was religious leaders exactly like them who managed to energize such a large portion of our population to vote and vote heavily for "traditional values."

Dr. James Dobson is another good example of this. Today, he had this to say about the election:

This election is a resounding victory in the battle for American families. We applaud the re-election of President Bush, who has shown himself a true champion for the family and of traditional values.

Herein lies the problem. The Right has so long been allowed to dominate the cultural debate that people whose lives would actually be helped by Democratic policies (whether workers or the uninsured or whoever) are voting against their own self-interests because of what they believe to be the interests of God Himself.

We further celebrate the overwhelming successes of pro-family candidates in other races, and in the 11 states that passed amendments to their constitutions protecting traditional marriage. The victorious difference was made by 'values voters,' who have sent the clear message that morality in America is alive and well.

They sent a clear message alright, although not that one. And it's a message we'd better start paying attention to. Fast.

It's precisely because the Left ignored that message that it was so devastated during this election. People all across the fruited plain were energized by the idea that they were casting a vote for good and against evil. We on the Left have so allowed the opposition to frame and define us (without ever defining ourselves) that vast swaths of this country now equate liberalism with evil itself. Until we begin to counter that, we'll never compete.

If you want to know just what the hell I'm talking about, consider this: Massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the nation. John Kerry's gay marriage Massachusetts. That's how much the other side owns this debate.

The passage of 11 marriage amendments, combined with similar measures passed thus far by six other states, is the result of a tremendous grass-roots effort that has sprung up across the country. As we continue the call for an amendment to the U.S. Constitution, this election's victories once again demonstrate that American voters believe in traditional marriage.

As these words have hopefully made clear, we ignore the Wing Nuts at our own peril.

Where Now?

2004-11-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

It's kind of like waking up to a four-year collective hangover, vaguely remembering that something bad happened last night, and then looking over to see Ann Coulter sleeping peacefully next to you.

WHAAAAAAA!!!! How'd she get there??? I hope I didn't...

Okay, okay, put down the baseball bat and try to think this through reasonably.

So what happens now? Obviously, many things are going to change (just as many things we hoped would change won't). The optimism and sense of purpose that has graced the left wing blogs these past few months is rapidly dissipating. Fortunately, we at the Dark Window never had either of those qualities to begin with.

Still, we have many lessons to learn and many problems to analyze before we can move on. What happened to bring us to this point? Where are we as a nation and where can we realistically go? How do we begin to bridge this vast social gap dividing our country? Only once we understand a defeat can we mitigate its effects and (hopefully) prevent its recurrence.

In the meantime, we here at the Dark Window will continue to mock those we feel deserve mocking. Rather than them going away, we kind of suspect they'll come scurrying out of the woodwork and will probably even multiply. And as long as they do, we'll be here to smack them back down.

We're not going anywhere. We won't disappear into the night. We love this country even more than we love France and if there's one thing we believe in, it's that we must dedicate ourselves to leaving it a better place. Even when this isn't easy. Especially when it isn't fun.

Take heart. This hangover isn't eternal.

Just don't mention the Ann Coulter thing to anybody...

Today Is Your Day

2004-11-02T01:07:00.000-08:00

No mocking today (there will be plenty of time for that tomorrow - no matter the outcome). Instead, I'd like to point you to a blog entry by my friend Steve over at It Looks Like This. He's written a piece entitled Why I'm in Reno, a very moving piece that, to me, splendidly describes just where we find ourselves today.

Today is your day. Today is our day. Let's make a difference.

The Poker Face Of George W. Bush

2004-11-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

Thanks to reader SocraticSilence, our attention was drawn to a fine article about our fearless President over at NewsMax. It's called The Poker Game: Bush vs. Kerry on 9/11 and it's by Joan Marie Nagy.

Imagine, if you will, that in the world of international power and intrigue a high-stakes poker game is being played. The stakes: Western civilization. The game: 9/11.

As soon as you look over at the guy wearing the wire and scowling, though, you know this is no ordinary game of Texas Stud.

The cards are dealt. Nines and aces are wild. The game begins when war is unofficially declared.

When President Bush learned of the Sept. 11 attacks, what the world saw was the classic poker face, the non-reaction reaction. What Bush understood, in that split second, was that not only would the entire world be watching his reaction, so, too, would the next wave of terrorists.

Yep. That's exactly what I gathered by watching his face. Split-second recognition of complex issues and an instant understanding that he'd only defeat the terrorists by sitting in a small chair with a children's book in his hands.

The "non-reaction reaction"

The terrorists would study his reaction and gather valuable information on how he would play his next hand. His reaction would reveal to them the sum of his mettle as a man and the tenacity of his exploits as their future opponent.

And his reaction had them quaking in their sandals, ladies and gentlemen. How could they have possibly known he'd keep reading that book?

With a steely determination the president’s expressionless gaze moved across the room and seemed to look out beyond the walls and into the future.

'I wonder what's for dinner tonight,' he thought bravely. 'I wonder if this means I have to eat with Dick and Karl again.'

What cards was Bush holding close to his vest?

I think that was Andrew Card, telling the President what had happened. Wise of him to ignore it.

Did he have three of a kind, a straight, or a royal flush? Who could tell?

Certainly not the President.

Bush’s expression was unreadable, his demeanor calm, his mind calculating.

His reading skills at a grade-school level.

The terrorists watching must have been disappointed with the cool, composed and measured response.

If by cool, composed and measured response, you mean no response, then yes. They must have been.

Bush gave the terrorists nothing that day.

No kidding, huh.

Sen. John Kerry, a power wannabe, not even in the game, eagerly reveals how he would have played his hand. The elite French appeaser quickly lays all his cards on the table with childlike enthusiasm in an effort to prove that he is smarter than his opponent. He criticized Bush for sitting still and continuing his agenda.

Let's just be clear about something. Bush's agenda was to read My Pet Goat with schoolchildren.

Kerry’s strategy: Had he been in the game he would have quickly jumped up, explained to the “kids” in the room that he had important business to attend to and rushed off as the big and important person he was, or as he perceives himself to be.

Yes, nothing big and important about being President of the United States.

In doing so, he would have undeniably confirmed himself to be of French descent, inadvertently revealing himself to be a reactionary, willing to act before being in command of all the facts, easily read and, even more important, easily led – in essence, a puppet.

Interesting logic. Immediately trying to ascertain what has happened and deciding what to do makes one French and a puppet. Sitting and waiting for one's handlers makes one a steely man of decisive power.

Great truths are often revealed in small arenas. In this high-stakes poker game, where our lives are in the balance, we can choose to have our hand played with the caginess of a panther or the weakness of a puppet.

Or, in the case of NewsMax, with the nuttiness of a walnut tree.

The Liberal Oasis

2004-11-01T09:49:00.000-08:00

I'd like to take a moment to point you to an excellent resource which you may not yet be using. It's called The Liberal Oasis and is something you should find quite helpful during the next couple of crazy election-filled days. The Liberal Oasis is an information center of sorts and does a fantastic job of highlighting what's going on in the political world and then sending you to various blogs to find out more. If it's not in your bookmarks, it should be.

Bay Area Bloggers Throw Down

2004-10-29T01:05:00.000-07:00

Several famed Bay Area Bloggers and Readers (and me) gathered last evening in Oakland to prove to the world that Philadelphia no longer has a monopoly on drunken blogging. We'll profile some of the fine folks who showed up over the next several days but for now I leave you with a terrifying glimpse into the high-powered world of Bay Area Political Blogging:

The idiot on the right is me (yes, I always drink my beer through a straw). I'll let the guy on the left retain his secret identity (unless he chooses to reveal it). It's obvious to all but the most liberally-biased media that the girl in the background is overwhelmed by our importance and on her way to alert the paparazzi.

Generik has the rest of the story and several more photos. Note carefully the massive number of beer glasses in certain photos. We will refrain from naming the girl responsible for drinking all of them.

Update: The guy on the left can now safely be revealed. It's John, the Bay City legend behind Blogenlust.

Blame The Media!

2004-10-29T01:02:00.000-07:00

You've all heard the familiar Wing Nut refrain about liberal media bias and how the mainstream media constantly suppresses facts to help liberal candidates and causes. So just what would those Wing Nuts have us read instead? How about this excellent piece of reporting from NewsMax. It's a story entitled Edwards Parrots New York Times' Fiction.

The novice legislator who wants to be one heartbeat from the presidency either is too stupid to understand the phoniness of the New York Times' latest fiction about Iraq or thinks the American people are too stupid to understand.

I can think of one other possibility involving stupidity that Carl Limbacher and the boys at NewsMax failed to mention.

Or perhaps Democrat airhead apparent John Edwards is just doing his handlers' bidding: the old Democrat trick of repeating a lie often enough until people believe it.

Yeah, that must be it.

Edwards claimed today in Wilmington, Ohio: "These are exactly the kind of explosives terrorists want. They're the dangerous weapons we wanted to keep from falling in the hands of terrorists. And now these explosives are out there, and we have no idea who's got them. Dick Cheney calls that a remarkable success."

He failed to mention that the pro-Democrat Times, whose recent endorsement of the Kerry-Edwards ticket was the nation's most obvious redundancy since the coining of the term "liberal media bias," refused to report reality, which even NBC reported: that the explosives were already missing from Al-Qaqaa when GIs got there a mere one day after Saddam Hussein's fall.

Ah, yes...Reality.

But back to good old liberal unreality for a moment:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - ABC News on Thursday showed video that appeared to confirm that explosives that went missing in Iraq (news - web sites) did not disappear until after the United States had taken control of the facility where they were stored.

ABC said the video was shot by an affiliate TV station embedded with the 101st Airborne Division when members of the division passed through the facility on April 18, nine days after the fall of Baghdad.

So how did our reality-dwelling leader respond to this report? He sent Rudy Giuliani out to say this (via Atrios):

The president was cautious the president was prudent the president did what a commander in chief should do. No matter how you try to blame it on the president the actual responsibility for it really would be for the troops that were there. Did they search carefully enough? Didn't they search carefully enough?

So was Rudy right? Do we blame the troops? Or should we blame the President? Fortunately, one brave man is here to tell us so we don't have to think too hard about it. Take it away, Rush!

"The 3rd Infantry division, these are not slackers. These are heroes. They didn't see the stuff when they got to the Al Qaqaa dump on April the 6th. The 101st Airborne, they're not slackers either, and they didn't find it when we got there on April the 10th. So it continues to be a story largely made up, an old story, by the way. This is not new."

So here's what we have. The Wing Nuts tell us that this story is made up. ABC says it isn't made up so Rudy comes out and blames the troops. Rush says the troops can't be responsible and since that would kind of make it seem like the President was responsible, he blames the media. It's no wonder those on the Right like to think of themselves as the logical ones.

Just for context, here's another bit of Rush wisdom from yesterday's show:

"You know me. I'm a big moon guy, lunar moon, I mean. I like looking up at the moon in the sky, when it rises over the ocean. There are many other moons. I'm not interested in those."

I don't even know where to begin...

You might say he's interested in moons or you might say he's not but if you're the media and say either of those things, then you're probably wrong.

A Message From God

2004-10-28T02:18:00.000-07:00

As is our custom here at the Dark Window, we have a special message for you from God. It comes, naturally, via Hal Lindsey's Oracle - the place "where religion and politics mix." Look carefully:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen...God has chosen to speak through Hal Lindsey the prophet via John Rule the cartoonist and his message couldn't be more clear.

Think about it. Would God have you vote for a bad drag queen who wears lipstick, does things that cause him to hang his head in shame, has a two-inch crotch, and uses the Bible to wipe his feet?

The answer is clear. Vote with your heart.

More tomorrow on why Bay Area Bloggers will soon take over the world.

Four Easy Pieces

2004-10-27T01:07:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been to the Rant? It's one of those Wing Nut sites that is so bizarre, so wacky, that basically every article you read there is worthy of attention. To prove it, I've randomly clicked upon four Rant articles (with my eyes closed, no less) and shall distill each into its Nut Essence.

First off, we have the Managing Editor of the Rant, Frank Salvato, with a heartwarming piece entitled John Kerry: The Scott Peterson of Politics. Why is John Kerry like a man on trial for killing his wife? Frank never says. Instead, he tells us that Kerry lied (and the Swift Boat Vets proved it) and then gives us this helpful piece of advice:

To Kerry’s supporters who walk around, anger in hand and eyes wide shut, I say wake up! John Kerry has lied all of his life and is still lying today. He’s lying about the security and well being of this nation. If you still choose to support John Kerry after the exposure of all his lies then I beg you not to go to the polls in November. You are either filled with politically created hatred or you are too stupid to vote.

And this, of course, is how a smart voter would look:

Likes to expose things

Next up, we have Matt Grills telling us that Jimmy Carter is a smoking peanut. What does he mean by this? Who the hell knows. But he does make a persuasive argument that Jimmy Carter is terribly stupid by quoting reader comments posted on the Little Green Football blog (and others). Here's one of the most salient:

“Jimmy Carter, failure given human form, has now said that the Revolutionary War was unnecessary. Was this guy really elected president ... during the Cold War?! Far as I heard, his only real accomplishment of note was getting Ronald Reagan elected ... While we work on ways to honor Reagan’s legacy, we should also be working on ways to dishonor Carter. I say we strike him from the record books. His portrait and name should be removed from all lists of presidents, and, if he is ever to be referred to, he shall be called ‘the failed president who has no name.’”

And then Matt, being the legendary columnist that he is, brings it all home with this analysis of what might have been:

Just for a second, let’s live in Carter’s universe: the Revolutionary War didn’t happen because man’s goodness helped him realize war is not the answer. Empire-building continues around the world, slavery is still a respected practice and Jimmy Carter doesn’t become president of anything. He’s just another peanut farmer.

On second thought, maybe that’s not so bad.

The Informed Speculator

Next, we have Chris Adamo with a piece entitled John Kerry’s Real Regard for Religion. After calling John Kerry's comments about Mary Cheney "ham fisted" (I don't even want to know), he tells us this about the Democratic ticket:

If Kerry and Edwards possess so little understanding of the Judeo-Christian foundations upon which this great nation was forged, they cannot possibly comprehend the nature of militant Islam that now seeks to annihilate it.

Brilliant!

Knows about ham-fisting

And finally, we have a delightful piece about Teresa Heinz "(Kerry)" by a fellow named JB Williams. Take it away, JB!

It’s a toss up as to whether Teresa Heinz (Kerry) should be named the new poster child for mad cow disease, or turrets syndrome. But one thing is becoming glaringly obvious; she shouldn’t be First Lady…

And why does JB think that?

Ms. Heinz (Kerry) is like a bad morph of Hillary Clinton and Marge Schott. She has the irreversible nasty socialist temperament of Hillary, and the irresponsible tendency to say the worst possible thing, at the worst possible time, like Marge. In short, she’s a one woman wrecking ball…

But then it gets even better:

Can you imagine her sitting across the table from foreign dignitaries after a cocktail or two? Unfortunately, I can, and it’s frightening…

And who's this cultured man with such in-depth knowledge of cocktails and foreign dignitaries?

The Frightened Sophisticate

So there you have it. Four delightfully informative articles from the Rant. Kind of makes you realize that the Wing Nuts are everywhere. Well, they're certainly at the Rant anyway.

West Coast Reminder

2004-10-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

If you've been reading this blog, Scaramouche, or Roger Ailes, you know that tomorrow evening (Wednesday, October 27th) is the first Bay Area Resident Blogger and Reader drinking/conversation night. We encourage everybody who writes, reads, or enjoys the blogs to come out for an evening of drinks and conversation. The inimitable Scaramouche has promised to liven things up by singing Ashlee Simpson songs until his voice goes.

We'll show up around 6:00 PM at Ben & Nick's Bar & Grill in Oakland's Rockridge district but people are welcome to come anytime (I'm guessing some of us will still be there until at least 9:00 or 10:00 - depending on Scaramouche's singing ability). The bar is located at 5612 College Avenue - just a half block from the Rockridge BART station and only a couple of short blocks from Freeway exits (Hwy 24).

More information tomorrow.

Sadly, Older!

2004-10-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

It's our good friend Seb's birthday today and, in honor of this fact, we'd like to list our all-time favorite Sadly, No! entries (that were not written by us):

So make sure you head on over and wish Seb a happy birthday!

Shopping At The Wing Nut Clearance Rack

2004-10-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought we'd exhausted our seemingly limitless supply of Wing Nut fashions, we show up with yet another round of hip new Christian t-shirts from our good friends at Christian Outfitters. You may remember them from some of our previous fashion reviews. As you can tell, though, we're beginning to scrape the bottom of the barrel with this lot. But as we thrive on mediocrity here at the Dark Window, let's jump right in.

Ancient Wing Nut Maxim: "If I'm going down, you're going with me."

Just take a corporate logo and slogan and make them even lamer. Your Savior will love you for it!

Is it just me or do the believers in turning the other cheek always seem to be looking for an excuse to beat the living crap out of somebody?

"Oh, man. You should have seen the Hindu guy's flag. We kicked his ass! Praise Jesus!"

Frankly, when you wear shirts by Christian Outfitters, it's kinda hell with Jesus, too.

Thomas never would have doubted if the Lord had just done an ollie kick-flip.

Wait a minute...USA Tour II?...That means there was a USA Tour I...That means that Joseph Smith was right. That means...Extra wives for everybody!

Tune in next time for more exciting trends in Right Wing fashions.

War Of The Worlds: Wing Nut Style

2004-10-22T01:05:00.000-07:00

We at the Dark Window have long prided ourselves in bringing you the weirdest, kookiest, and craziest spokespeople the Right has to offer. But as we were looking for fresh material today, we stumbled across a conservative group that puts pretty much everybody else we've discussed so far to shame.

The good people over at BushCountry.org, the ones who bring us the informed and well-reasoned analyses of Glamour Shot Swank and Tammy Wilhite, the godly prophets who gave us one of our favorite warnings of impending doom, have been linking to an article about how the Mark of the Beast is coming soon to an implant near you.

That article came from a conservative news site called Raiders News Update. And while we thought that piece was pretty good, there was another one at RNU we liked even better. It's called Genesis Chapter Six... Again!?.

By Thomas Horn
RNU News Sr. Reporter

Remember that name. You'll see why in a bit.

The article starts off innocently enough, with a fairly straightforward story (from "The Daily Post") about a girl being visited by space aliens.

"Her horror increased after the discovery a month later that she was pregnant."

Now we know how Lucianne Goldberg must have felt.

The Post feature discusses the birth of the infant entity, gray skinned and frail, which was immediately scooped up and taken on board the extraterrestrial ship.

Whereas Jonah, certainly not frail, was scooped up and taken on board the National Review.

Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking. Just another boring story about space aliens and Jonah Goldberg. What's so special about that?

Well, read on, friends, because we're about to take a wonderful turn into the strange world of Wing Nut Landia.

Nonsense you say?

Who, me?

Writing for the conservative news service Raiders News Update, best selling author and researcher Thomas Horn reminds us that "A growing number of Bible scholars believe something unusual is transpiring during so-called alien abduction. They point to Genesis 6 where extraterrestrial visitations and genetic manipulation by supernatural beings may have occurred."

Remember how I told you to remember that name before? Now you see why. Failed blogger Pete M. of the Dark Window wants to point out that the guy writing the article just referenced himself as a source.

And what's in Genesis Chapter Six that "a growing number of Bible scholars" find so alarming? Well, fortunately for all you Scripturally-ignorant liberals out there, Thomas gives us a quote:

"When men began to increase on earth and daughters were born to them, the divine beings saw how beautiful the daughters of men were and they took wives from among those that pleased them....It was then, and later too, that the Nephilim appeared on earth - when the divine beings cohabited with the daughters of men, who bore them offspring. They were the heroes of old, the men of renown." (Genesis, Chapter 6, from the Jewish translation of the Torah.)

Personally, I've always preferred the Fields of the Nephilim, those men of renown who appeared upon the earth in 1984 and bore us great music.

One group, known as "the ancient astronaut school," hold that "divine beings" (B'nai Elohim in Hebrew) were super-intelligent geneticists from outer space that created Homo sapiens by tinkering with primate DNA.

Not surprisingly, the Wing Nuts are not fooled by such childishly ridiculous ideas and put forth their own, far-more believable scenario:

Another more conservative club points to a darker interpretation...Satan (as opposed to aliens) was trying to produce a race of mutant warriors by breeding fallen angels with women."

As Ms Brown's story illustrates, history may be repeating itself.

I think we can safely say that Ms Brown's story illustrates quite a lot of things, Tom.

Thomas goes on to discuss the Raelians (the cloning people Drudge kept linking to last year) and their belief that the ancient divine beings were space aliens who came to earth to perform genetic manipulation upon us. Then he quickly puts them in their place:

Not so fast, the second school of thought says. The aliens did come, and they conducted genetic manipulation that led to the Nephilim. But the visitors weren't galactic good neighbors. They were angels...of the fallen kind...on a quest to steal your soul.

Boy, that's tough. Used to be that the only people we had to worry about stealing our souls were the Democrats. Now we have to worry about fallen angels too.

The theory goes something like this: Very soon after the Fall of man, the protoevangelium (the promise that the seed of the woman would bring forth a child [Jesus] capable of destroying the serpent's [Satan's] power) was given in Genesis 3:15. In response to this promise, supernatural beings (fallen angels) appeared from the heavens and performed reproductive experiments on human women. Why? To pollute their offspring. By corrupting Hebrew DNA, they would cut off the birth line of the Messiah.

A pretty good plan when you think about it. But not good enough to thwart that most lovable of superheroes...God!

Stephen Quayle, in his excellent and highly recommended book, Aliens & Fallen Angels - The Sexual Corruption of the Human Race, suggests that Satan was interbreeding Nephilim to corrupt every living thing God had made - both human and animal.

What's more, Satan nearly succeeded in wiping out redemption. By the time Noah and his kids came along, they were the only humans left with DNA not corrupted by intermarriage with Nephilim and their offspring. This is what was meant by Noah being 'perfect' in his generation (a word commonly used in the Bible to refer to 'unblemished' sacrificial animals). His perfection was physical and DNA related, not moral.

This brings a whole new light to the Great Flood. In order to preserve the human race - and the lineage of the Messiah - God had to destroy all but Noah and his clean DNA.

So I'm thinking that verse in Hebrews that says God chose Noah because of his faith must be a misprint.

But don't celebrate yet.

I promise I won't.

The second school of thought says Satan and his alien-force are not done. They're planning a second wave. A coming invasion. One that's accompanied by "...fearful sights and great signs [read UFOs]...from heaven" (Lk 21:11).

Thank heavens we have such brave conservatives to warn us about this coming invasion! I've already begun constructing my own Cheney-inspired bunker.

Tom closes with one of my favorite (and if you read the Dark Window regularly, you already know, all too common) Wing Nut flourishes: He illuminates the infallible Word of God with a few choice additions:

"And then shall that wicked one be revealed....whose coming is after the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders [UFOs again]....And for this cause God shall send mankind strong delusion, that they should believe a lie [the kind as told by Rael]: That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness" (2 Thessalonians 2:8-12).

Thank You, God, for sending us Bush Country to warn us against believing those strong delusions that will make you damn us!

Pat Robertson Redux

2004-10-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

As is often the case, our friend Bartholomew has taken something we've written and added actual research and intelligent thought. He has an update on Pat Robertson and his strange conversation with President Bush in a piece called A Modest Disaster.

And after you read that, make sure you scroll down and read about the Religious Right's plan to saturate our airwaves in the days leading up to the election in a move that may dwarf Sinclair's airing of Stolen Honor.

The NewsMax Path To Romantic Success

2004-10-21T01:05:00.000-07:00

You've probably already read some of the stories about my pathetic dating life here at the Dark Window. Stories about being repeatedly turned down by the lovely S.Z. (with extreme prejudice, I might add). Or the restraining order (there's a reason why she stays anonymous). Or having my overtures rejected by those Holiness girls. So just imagine my relief when I read the following announcement over at NewsMax:

No more heartbreak, ever—a whole new approach to dating, women, and relationships...

Sounds exactly like what I need. Thank God for NewsMax! Reasoned political analysis and life-changing romantic advice!

Anyway, I clicked on the link and found this revolutionary new system developed by a guy named John Alanis. It's called Women Approach You.

Women approach me now but it's usually just to tell me that I'm standing in their way.

"Amazing Free Report, Available Instantly, Reveals Exactly How to Get Beautiful, Desirable Women to Approach YOU First for a Date, No Matter Your Looks, Age or Income!"

Hmmm...I hope this works because S.Z. said she'd only date me if I were 24, looked like Brad Pitt, and made at least $200,000/year.

Dear Friend,

You are seconds away from discovering remarkable, little-known secrets that literally compel desirable women to approach you first. This is not weird, far out magic, or stupid potions, lotions, or pills but simple, easy-to-follow steps that allow you to unlock the "natural attraction" every man possesses, but has never been taught how to "let out"... until now.

Whenever I read a piece at NewsMax that talks about something "every man possesses" being "let out," I get nervous. Really nervous.

Keep it in your pants, Limbacher.

I'm not kidding.

In addition to this Free Report #1 (entitled, "What If Everything You Ever Thought You Knew About Women, Dating and Relationships Was Dead Wrong?", when you enter your name and email I promise to send you an entertaining tip, story or secret about attracting women every single day! And, just to prove I'm "for real," I'll instantly send you these FIVE remarkable FREE "girl-getting" reports, plus one hilarious Bonus Report:

Well, at this point it's painfully obvious that everything I know about women, dating and relationships is dead wrong so I'd better keep reading.

FREE Report #2: How Even the Ugliest Man Can Date the Most Beautiful Women--Why Looks, Age, or Income Just Don't Matter

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? The perfect Christmas present for Seb!

FREE Report #3: Recently "Dumped?" Here's How to Get Her Back!

That one might be nice for Bill O'Reilly.

FREE Report #4: Secrets to Being a "Bar Star" -- How to Get Desirable Women to Pick YOU Up at a Bar

Hey...This is perfect for our Bay Area Blog Enthusiasts drinking night next week. With my luck, though, the only person who'll try to pick me up will be celebrity-blogger Roger Ailes.

Don't get me wrong...I like Roger...Just not like that.

FREE Report #5: Why You MUST Get Rid of All "Bad Investments" to Be Successful With Women

I have to ditch the Dark Window? Well, no real loss there.

FREE Report #6: Which of the Three Types of Women Should You Be Dating?

Given that this report is available for free at NewsMax, I'm thinking the answer to that question has to be (1) women looking for green cards, (2) mail-order brides, or (3) the type of woman you inflate. In other words, a weekend with Ted and Yosef.

Bonus Report: Why I Buy Soft Toilet Paper!

John, I'm going to be real honest with you, buddy. I don't want to know why you buy soft toilet paper.

I'll give you my uncensored, "Women Approach You Now" reports as well as my daily email that is literally read throughout the world. I'm known as the "King of Let 'Em Come to You" for a reason... tune in each day as I reveal hilarious secret after secret... you'll laugh, learn, and most of all say to yourself, "At last there's a guy who tells it like it really is!"

Literally read throughout the world? That can only mean one thing. Seb's already a subscriber.

WARNING: if you are easily offended, hyper-sensitive, or overly worried about what all the "politically correct masses" think about you, then this report and these emails may NOT be for you. If, however, you are a bright, fun, open minded guy who wants the "real scoop" on how to get beautiful women chasing you for a change, then you're in for a real treat.

That's easy...Steal their handbags. Then when they chase you down and tackle you, try to make out with them. That's been my strategy so far.

You should also know all my emails are discreet with no subject lines that even mention "dating" or "meeting women." No one except you will know what these emails are about, unless you let them. And let me be perfectly clear, this is NOT "porn" or "adult content" or anything sleazy like that.

Cool! I can read them at work!

Now all I need is a job.

Either way, I'm signed up now. Well, Seb is anyway (no need to thank me, friend). Now I can sit back, relax, and get ready to fight 'em off with a stick.

Thanks, John! And thanks, NewsMax!

-John Alanis
"King of Let 'em Come to You"

And to prove he's the king, here's his signature:

Just think...That'll soon be ~~Seb's~~ my signature tagline too!

Pat Robertson Told Him So

2004-10-20T01:10:00.000-07:00

CNN has a bizarre article up this evening about Pat Robertson and how he warned George W. Bush that going to war in Iraq would be disastrous.

NEW YORK (CNN) -- The founder of the U.S. Christian Coalition said Tuesday he told President George W. Bush before the invasion of Iraq that he should prepare Americans for the likelihood of casualties, but the president told him, "We're not going to have any casualties."

That sounds like our George.

Pat Robertson, an ardent Bush supporter, said he had that conversation with the president in Nashville, Tennessee, before the March 2003 invasion. He described Bush in the meeting as "the most self-assured man I've ever met in my life."

Self-assured, mulishly boneheaded...Tomayto, tomahto.

"You remember Mark Twain said, 'He looks like a contented Christian with four aces.' I mean he was just sitting there like, 'I'm on top of the world,' " Robertson said on the CNN show, "Paula Zahn Now."

That wasn't the world, Pat.

"And I warned him about this war. I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And I was trying to say, 'Mr. President, you had better prepare the American people for casualties.' "

Is it just me or does Pat sound like he's about eight years old?

Robertson said the president then told him, "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties."

That's just the kind of steadfast, optimistic, non-reality-based leadership we need in the White House!

Robertson, the televangelist who sought the Republican presidential nomination in 1988, said he wishes Bush would admit to mistakes made.

"I mean, the Lord told me it was going to be A, a disaster, and B, messy," Robertson said. "I warned him about casualties."

The Lord's told Pat lots of interesting things. Looks like He finally got one right. Hooray for God!

Even as Robertson criticized Bush for downplaying the potential dangers of the Iraq war, he heaped praise on Bush, saying he believes the president will win the election and that "the blessing of heaven is on Bush."

Because, you know, God really loves guys who never admit they were wrong and who make disastrous decisions without thinking through the consequences.

God's Man for Our Time

BARBARians At The Trough

2004-10-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered how we come up with the ~~brilliant~~ stuff we write here? Well, our secret is easy. We're always drunk when we write blog entries! (Seriously, have you ever actually read the stuff we write?)

And now we're inviting you to share in the fun and come join us for an evening of drinking and meeting other BARBARians (Bay Area Resident Bloggers And Readers). Don't say it...Scaramouche is the genius who came up with that acronym. I suggested BABES (Bay Area Blog EnthusiastS) but he worried that people who showed up to meet BABES might be disappointed to see the two of us instead.

Conspiracy-minded people among you might say that this is simply a shameless imitation of Atrios' Drinking Liberally.

It is.

So come join me, our legendary co-host Scaramouche, and several other celebrity Bay Area bloggers (TBA) and readers next Wednesday, October 27th.

We'll be meeting at 6:00 PM at Ben & Nick's Bar & Grill in Oakland's Rockridge district and hang around until we get sick of each other (or get kicked out - we are, after all, Puppeteers in Satan's Army). The bar is located at 5612 College Avenue - just a half block from the Rockridge BART station and only a couple of short blocks from Freeway exits (Hwy 24).

Jerry Rice had been planning to come until he got traded to Seattle yesterday so we'll have to try to line up other, better-known celebrities instead.

Scaramouche and I will provide more details later.

Hope to see you there!

The Mystique Of Barbara Stock

2004-10-19T01:15:00.000-07:00

The latest round of columns over at GOP USA is up and they're off the hook. My personal favorite is the new one by one of the up-and-coming stars of the Right: Barbara Stock. It's called The Mystique of Osama Bin Laden.

How many times during these last weeks have Americans heard the words, "If President Bush had just not lost sight of Bin Laden and not let him escape from Tora Bora, this war on terror would be over."

Zero. But that's not going to stop Barbara!

What a foolish and ignorant statement.

We here at the Dark Window would tend to agree, Barb.

Anyway, let's watch our Queen of Mystique demolish her straw man with amazing valor.

Osama bin Laden is a figurehead who has been made far more important than he is in the world's war against terrorism. It is unknown at this time if Osama is alive or dead and it doesn't seem to matter to the terrorists. Terrorists don't need bin Laden to carry on their war. Alive Osama is a mystery and dead he is a martyr but either way the war will go on. Terrorists do not need some group called "al Qaeda" to carry on the killing.

How much you wanna bet that if Bush captures Osama, Barbara will be singing a different tune? Judging by her hairstyle, I'm thinking that tune will be by Ratt.

Barbara Stock: Queen of Mystique

Bin Laden's followers have indeed flooded into Iraq. They are also dying in large numbers in Iraq. Splinter terrorist groups have taken on their own names such as "The Iraqi Freedom Front." Al Qaeda is perhaps now seen as a failure instead of some great power.

Perhaps. And Barbara Stock is perhaps now seen as a brilliant woman.

Not surprisingly, her speculating isn't yet finished.

Does it really matter if Bin Laden is dead or alive, free, or in prison?

Not if your name is George W. Bush.

It may to us but it doesn't really matter to the terrorists of the world. I suspect if he were killed they would simply bury him and go on. The mystique of a man like Osama is far more important than the man himself. Perhaps the terrorists have themselves killed Osama because he has failed.

That last line pretty much mocks itself so we'll just leave it at that tonight.

Debbie Does David Hasselhoff

2004-10-18T01:05:00.000-07:00

Remember our dear sweet friend Debbie Daniel? The one who told us that since George W. Bush has been ordained by God (it's in the Bible, people!), John Kerry is wrong to challenge the President?

Well, she's decided to expound upon those thoughts and has a groundbreaking new column out entitled O Ye of Little Faith.

It is so annoying to read all the carping and complaining by people in our self-proclaimed Christian nation, who have put their faith and trust in Jesus Christ for their salvation and promise of eternal life, but for the things of this world, they want to slap George Bush up-side-the-head, and say "God, you gave us the wrong man."

It's a pretty neat trick. Put your eternal faith and trust in Jesus' hands and your worldly faith and trust in George's and you don't really have to worry about anything ever again.

I read a column today in my hometown newspaper and was so disheartened by the commentary that seemed to take into account every single error George Bush has made, and I trembled at the thought of the columnist being so critical of every detail of Bush's performance as President and then questioned again his service in the Air National Guard.

What business does a newspaper columnist have criticizing a President's actions?

But it wasn't because of what the columnist said; it's because of who the columnist claims to be . . . a child of God.

And even the dimmest light knows that you cannot truly be a Christian if you criticize George W. Bush.

Friends, our God can use just about anyone He pleases to lead this nation, because HE IS GOD, and when God is in control, it doesn't matter who's driving the car.

I like this theology. God is kind of like K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. That would make Satan (or maybe John Kerry) K.A.R.R. and George W. Bush is (obviously) David Hasselhoff. Doo doo doo doo...

The entire article was a slap in the face, not only to George Bush, but if we truly believe what the Bible says . . . our Heavenly Father just got a whack in the face, too.

Think about that one for a bit.

George Bush professes to be a man of God, and if you have a problem with that, I think you have more of an argument with your Maker than you do with your President.

The more I read Debbie's articles, the more I think her problem is with Maker's Mark.

George Bush has convinced me that he has sought guidance from His Lord since he put his hand on the Bible January 20, 2001. He made an oath to faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and would to the best of his ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help him God." Period.

Not, so help him, John Kerry. Not, so help him, Terry McAuliffe. And certainly, not so help him, Ted Kennedy.

Is Debbie saying that those guys don't seek guidance from Their Lord or that they haven't taken the oath of office to be President of the United States? Either way...

Many times people don't recognize greatness. "I have knocked on the door of this man's soul, and found someone home," said Democratic leader, Zell Miller, as he spoke of George W. Bush at the recent Republican convention.

I agree with Debbie that Zell Miller's statement is a good example of one of those times somebody doesn't recognize greatness.

Some will say to me, "Well, you act as if we shouldn't question anything the President does? No, I question whether or not you prayed for this President first before you started foaming at the mouth with criticism. This man certainly prays to God for you - I'll believe that to my dying day. I do not believe George Bush does anything out of the realm of prayer.

We strive to present you with the weirdest of the weird here at the Dark Window and that, ladies and gentlemen, may be the weirdest yet.

O "we" of little faith. I only ask that you get "Prayed-Up" before this election, and while you're down there on your knees, you might throw out a question to God and ask, "Is it really you, Lord, who has led George Bush?" And if you can come away from the quietness and seriousness of that moment and believe that George Bush has acted solely, without any regard to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, then I will concede you are absolutely right.

Somehow I'm guessing you won't really concede that, Debbie.

The article's author accuses George Bush of being so identified with the Christian right that his character appears above suspicion. What about identifying him with our Heavenly Father and see what you come up with, Mr. Columnist? Why don't you make that association?

Yeah! What kind of commie columnist doesn't compare George W. Bush to Almighty God?

Do you not see that Satan has used you in a fight for what God has ordained all along? Go ahead and be a puppeteer for Satan's army . . . he has many volunteers, but it takes a brave man to stand alone; it takes a courageous warrior to look the enemy in the eye.

Wow. By Debbie's logic, pretty much everybody who reads the Dark Window is a puppeteer for Satan's army (PSA). Who, exactly, are we controlling, though? Ah, who cares. I'm already painting a PSA on the back of my jacket (right beneath the anarchy sign).

Then the writer went off on a comparison of George Bush to Gregory Peck's Atticus Finch or Gary Cooper's Sheriff in High Noon . . . that they wouldn't do this. (???) And the columnist ends the "screen actor to presidential" comparisons with: Pathetic.

Gee, how many times can Bush be called "pathetic?"

A lot, Debbie. A lot.

Oh, dear Lord in Heaven, please forgive us, for we know not what we do. We're going to pay a high price for this war . . . not the one on terrorism as much as the one we've waged against God.

I'm sorry, but we've slapped God in the face and I'm not sure we're worthy of having a man like George Bush to lead us.

But please know that if Mr. Kerry becomes President, don't think for a moment I won't be praying for him . . . probably more than you could imagine.

There are a lot of things you do, Debbie, that I have a really hard time imagining. So I'm just going to take you at your word here.

Win $2500 From Frederick!!!*

2004-10-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

Our friend Frederick is having a contest and we encourage all of you to participate. Mainly because Frederick is offering major cash prizes. Here's the gist:

In George Orwell's 1984, the three fundamental tenets emblazoned on Oceania's Ministry of Truth were:

War is Peace.
Freedom is Slavery.
Ignorance is Strength.

As thousands have noted, these principles guide the Bush administration. I've been looking for the best statements of these principles by Bush or other high-ranking members of his administration. Bush actually said the first one:

[W]hen we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.

George W. Bush, June 18, 2002

Frederick goes on to say:

So I'm throwing down the gauntlet. Can anyone come up with a statement from someone in the Bush administration more or less equivalent to (1) "Freedom is Slavery" and (2) "Ignorance is Strength"?

If he likes your answers, Frederick will award you with a cash prize (see his blog for details). So step right up and take your best shot.

* For the sake of brevity and sensationalism, we took the liberty of deleting the decimal point from our title.

A Very Special Date With Bill O'Reilly

2004-10-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't yet heard, a female news producer at Fox News has just filed a lawsuit against Bill O'Reilly, claiming that he sexually harrassed her. The lawsuit is filled with transcripts of conversations (evidently taped) O'Reilly had with the producer, a woman named Andrea Mackris. The conversations are incredibly explicit and, given O'Reilly's darling status with the religious conservatives, bound to be problematic. If you want all the lurid details, you can find them (including O'Reilly's talk of a sex show in Thailand, telling Mackris what he'd like to do to her in the shower, or describing a vibrator that he owned) here.

Obviously we have no way of knowing about the charges against O'Reilly but we think the conversations themselves are quite enlightening and decided to present a couple of excerpts in juxtaposition with glowing reviews of O'Reilly's book, The No Spin Zone, from TownHall.com.

Quotes from the review are in green and O'Reilly is in steamy red.

In The No Spin Zone, O'Reilly teaches what he believes are some of our great American values: common sense, decency, pride, self-respect, individual choice and compassion. He also illuminates some values that are not so great: lies, rationalizations, equivocation, perjury, spin, self-centeredness and not taking responsibility for one's actions or life.

During the course of Defendant BILL O'REILLY's sexual rant, it became clear that he was using a vibrator upon himself, and that he ejaculated. Plaintiff was repulsed.

Immediately after climaxing, Defendant BILL O'REILLY launched into a discussion concerning how good he was during a recent appearance on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno: "It was funny, they used a big clip of me...Right after Brokaw and Brokaw was absolutely the most unfunny guy in the world, and the audience got a big charge out of my...It was good."

Big charge out of his what, I wonder. But back to TownHall.

O'Reilly is against the lack of guilt, the lack of remorse, and the lack of outrage some individuals exhibit while stealing, cheating, spinning the truth, or blaming others for their shortcomings. He is disgusted with despicable public morality and the lack of responsibility for individual misbehavior. He is against the media's non-judgmental acceptance of uncivilized behavior; that is, the kind of "openness and tolerance" which lead to adults having sex with children and other bizarre behavior. These are not, he writes, psychologically healthy American values.

After climaxing, Defendant BILL O'REILLY again boasted that none of the women he'd engaged in sexual relations with would ever tell:

"Nobody'd believe 'em...they wouldn't [tell] anyway, I can't imagine any of them ever doing that 'cuz I always made friends with women before I bedded them down."

Makes friends with women before bedding them down?

Read this book and revive the values you've been suppressing. Your life will be energized and you can include yourself among those Americans who make a difference. Values, ethics and morals... it's what the non-material life is all about.

Defendant BILL O'REILLY concluded stating:

"You know, Mackris, in these days of your celibacy and your hibernation this is good for you to have a little fantasy outlet, you know, just to keep it tuned, keep that sensuality tuned until you know Mr. Right comes along and then you can put him in traction...I'm trying to tell you, this is good for your mental health."

In the immortal words once attributed to us, we can't add anything to that!

"The Best War-time Presidential Cabinet In The History Of Our Nation"

2004-10-13T01:38:00.000-07:00

As I said yesterday, we're having some computer problems here at the Dark Window that preclude our doing in-depth searching for the wackiest of the Wing Nuts. So instead, we're pretty much just going to mock the first Wing Nut we come across for the next few days. Today's special guest comes courtesy of The Rant. His name is Robert Lanzotti and he's written a column entitled When Ruthlessness Is Synonymous With Righteousness.

Robert starts off with a heart-warming description of the atomic bomb being dropped on Hiroshima.

In an instant, an entire city and its population of people had been destroyed. Ultimately, 200,000 men, women, and children of Hiroshima would perish. More than 100,000 were instantly incinerated or killed by the wind and another 100,000 would die later as a result of injuries and radiation. Three days later, another atomic bomb would detonate over Nagasaki, killing an additional 70,000 Japanese people. Ruthless or Righteous?

This being The Rant, you can probably guess the answer to that one already. That's right...RIGHTEOUS!

This column, of course, isn't about World War II and after describing the arguments in favor of using the atomic bomb in Japan, Robert continues by discussing the proliferation of nuclear weapons and the way Ronald Reagan defeated the nukes of the Soviet Union by spending more money. Unfortunately, other, less wholesome, countries (like Canada) got nuclear weapons and now everybody's trying to get in on the game.

We now have clear evidence that black marketing of nuclear weapon components, materials, and technological secrets have been delivered to rogue nations. For example, we are now aware that information and nuclear materiel had indeed been passed from Pakistan to Libya. North Korea exports only one commodity, weaponry, and that to rogue nations who harbor terrorists. Iran is clearly on a ‘go to hell, we’re building a bomb’ mission, and is there any doubt that radical Muslims are not ruthless enough to use nuclear weapons against Israel or America if an opportunity arises? Is it righteous to stop these dangerous initiatives? Is ruthlessness justified to prevent a catastrophic attack if intelligence determines an attack is immanent?

Well, if your name is George W. Bush, the best option is to put those problems on the back burner and go after countries without weapons of mass destruction.

Being in the midst of a presidential election is certainly an untimely event for a commander-in-chief who is leading his country in a war on terror. It is a necessary diversion, but still, an untimely one to be sure. Decisions to fight terrorism in the most effective way, for example…pursuing more ruthless offensive strategies while campaigning for reelection could very well be political suicide for President Bush.

Which is probably why our steadfast leader has decided to put off any major offensives until after the election. Next time you hear about how Bush is going to do whatever it takes to "defeat terrorism," whether it's popular or not, you may want to rememeber that.

It could likewise bring to an end to an experienced and likely the best war-time presidential cabinet in the history of our nation.

No need to worry about Iraq, folks. The best war-time cabinet in history has everything under control.

The commander-in-chief’s opponent and his party obviously abhor taking the offense to the enemy. They are the anti-war party that believes we are in the wrong war, in the wrong place, at the wrong time, a very strange notion since Iraq is the hotbed of radical Muslim terrorism. If we defeat them there, we defeat them everywhere.

That's really great logic. Spend all your resources invading a country with no weapons of mass destruction while ignoring two very dangerous nations working feverishly to develop them. No wonder people (well, Robert) are calling this the best war-time presidential cabinet ever!

I doubt if the word preemptive is even in a democrat’s dictionary. If it is, you can be sure that its meaning is presented in more sensitive manner with surrounding words like appeasement, negotiation, and coalition.

I just looked in my democrat's dictionary to see if Robert was right and found another fun word: Moron. It's also presented in a sensitive manner with surrounding words like "greatest war-time presidential cabinet in history" and "if we defeat them there, we defeat them everywhere."

Conversely, the word ruthless probably does exist in a democrat’s dictionary, but its definition: having no pity, showing no mercy nor compassion refers not to enemy combatants; rather, it defines the manner in which democrats attack republican ideologies and agendas. The truth is, if the liberal left could be as ruthless in their approach to our terrorists enemies as they are to their political opponents, we truly could be a “united” country.

Translation: John Kerry beat Bush in a debate and is such a pansy that he won't develop bunker-busting nukes.

Prosecution of our war against terrorism is a race against the inevitable. If we show resolve, backbone, and ruthlessness….we will inevitably win.

I wonder if Robert means this in the "Soviet Union showing resolve, backbone, and ruthlessness and winning in Afghanistan" kind of way. Or maybe in the "Germany showing resolve, backbone, and ruthlessness and winning in the Soviet Union" kind of way. Or maybe in the...okay, you get the picture.

If we take any other approach, we will inevitably lose.

Master of Historical Analysis
(By the way, I hate to ask...but what is Robert doing with his hands in that picture?)

Our enemies are patient and determined. Their timeline is not in terms of days and months; rather, they think in terms of decades. They are aware that our greatest vulnerability is our impatience as a people and the divisiveness that currently exists in our two party political system. Make no mistake about it, the only thing radical Muslims hate more than infidels is….determined and powerful infidels. And that’s why ruthlessness is synonymous with righteousness. That is why it is so important that our resolute war policy remain intact, and, in fact, become even more ruthless when our righteous presidential nominee wins the election and remains our commander-in-chief.

Righteousness through ruthlessness. That, ladies and gentlemen, is our Wing Nut slogan of the day.

Rush Job

2004-10-12T01:10:00.000-07:00

We're experiencing some fairly miserable computer problems here at the Dark Window and only have intermittent internet access at the moment. Since this makes scouring the earth for the craziest Wing Nuts impossible, we'll simply present a couple of Rush's "pearls of wisdom" (that's what he calls them) from Monday's radio show. Think of it as a shorter, sweeter Dark Window experience.

"We've got some lame brain who planted trees in Kenya who wins the Nobel Peace Prize, who then comes out and says that AIDS is manufactured to wipe out black people. Meanwhile, George W. Bush has liberated 50 million people in Iraq and Afghanistan, and doesn't even qualify for the Nobel Peace Prize. It's absolutely absurd."

Yeah, how they overlooked Bush in this year's Nobel contest is beyond me.

"Anybody that doesn't know by now that oil is the fuel of the engine of freedom and democracy around the world just doesn't want to get it."

And Halliburton's just the pipeline to spread it!

"You know where poverty is in this country? Immigrants. Illegal and legal. The vast majority of poverty is among the immigrant class in this country, not the middle class of the United States."

What do immigrants and poverty have in common in Wing Nut Landia? They're both un-American and should never be seen.

"Bush is the only one who's funded stem cell research, #1. Number 2, there's no evidence whatsoever that stem cell research is going to cure anything."

Talk about wanting to have it both ways. Hmmmm...That could probably describe Rush now that I think about it...

"Nobody had better make up their mind about anything based on a poll, which is what I think the objective of certain people who engage in polling. Most people a, are not people who make up their minds on their own. They always run their decisions by somebody else before they make them, even in a restaurant. You're all looking at the menus, and somebody sitting at the table says, 'What are you going to get?"

You know what that means...John Kerry's ahead!

Thank God for oil!

Okay, so that was short but not particularly sweet. Our next story, on the other hand, is sweet indeed. Read on.

My New Hero

2004-10-12T01:05:00.000-07:00

I would like to introduce everybody to my new hero. This is just the kind of hare-brained stunt we have long contemplated here at the Dark Window.

EDMOND, Oklahoma (Reuters) -- An Oklahoma man desperate to save his marriage by appearing like a hero to his wife ended up in police custody on suspicion of staging a crime. He hired "burglars" and foiled their fake robbery attempt, police said on Friday.

I've actually thought about doing some variation of this to impress S.Z.. I could entice Reverend Swank or Pastor Giles over to her blog and then foil them. I'd be a hero!

Trent Spencer, 27, of Edmond, north of Oklahoma City, was charged this week with the misdemeanor crime of filing a false report, said police spokeswoman Glynda Chu.

His only real crime was that he loved too much.

According to police, Spencer, a high school teacher, paid two students $100 each to break into his house and try to make off with a stereo.

Hell, for that much money, I could probably get Mike Adams too!

The masked students tied his wife with duct tape and her husband was in the house just in time to foil the supposed crime, police said.

With my luck, my computer would act up again just as Doug Giles was about to wreak havoc.

Police said Spencer attacked the two in a choreographed fight, even hitting one with a board that he had cut to break in half. The plan was going well until his wife freed herself and called police, something Spencer did not anticipate, police said.

This man is brilliant, I'm telling you. You have no idea how many wheels this story has set in motion...

Please Stand By

2004-10-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

The Dark Window is currently experiencing some fairly severe technical difficulties. We are working to correct the problem and will be back with more Wing Nuts just as soon as we possibly can. Thank you.

- The Management

Debbie Does Debates

2004-10-07T01:10:00.000-07:00

Everybody's talking about the Vice Presidential debate and our dear sweet friend Debbie Daniel didn't want to be left out. But she's still so mad about last week's Presidential "debate" that she's written about that instead. Her towering treatise of the intellect is entitled The Attempted Lynching of a President.

I don't know who the masked man was that showed up at the Presidential debate last week, but even George Bush had the same look on his face that several million other people had . . . "Who is this guy?"

Hey, that's not a mask. Karl Rove's face really looks like that.

Well, that was John Kerry, the debater. Tomorrow . . . who knows who he will be? After rehearsing for hours on end, it was good that he could win the evening's Oscar for Best Performance Portraying a Professional Politician.

And the winner was . . . John F. Kerry.

Yes, turns out John Kerry's not a politician from Massachusetts at all. He's a stage actor from Des Moines, Iowa.

Someone asked me the next day what happened to "my guy" in the debate? I said, "Well I think he did exceptionally well considering he had been out all day tending to the needs of hurricane victims for the fourth time in Florida, and before his day got started, he was told of 38 children blown to pieces in Iraq."

The poor, poor dear. How could he be expected to do well when 38 little bastards had the nerve to get killed while he was trying to prep for the debate? And that after he'd administered first aid to three hurricane victims and rebuilt a damaged roof. I say we give him a do-over, everybody. Seriously. Cut the guy some slack. He did keep telling us his job was hard work, remember?

So realizing all "that" I'm not sure there's a human being alive that could have gone through such a day and then raced to a debate to have an imbecile stand with his hair perfectly coiffed, fingernails manicured and tell the world what a failure you are.

Evidently because you'd be standing there realizing that you're a, you know, a failure.

But George Bush would not use any of this as an excuse, yet John Kerry had the nerve to tell us just days before that he was extremely "tired" on that late night when he "misspoke" about "voting for the $87 billion before he voted against it."

Yeah, George would never use that as an excuse. Good thing Debbie's there to do it for him. You'd think that somebody as well-informed as our Debbie would have seen this bit from Matt Drudge, though. The one that reads "Bush inner circle suggests Bush visit with Hurricane victims earlier in day was emotionally draining, contributed to "tired" appearance in debate..."

All the man has had to do is show up at campaign stumps all over the country and at least try to get his stories straight. He hasn't shown up for his real job as a Senator all year, and then has the audacity to stand before the President of the United States and "slap him in the face" by accusing him of doing such a poor job as our leader.

How dare that French-like traitor try to debate our leader during a nationally televised debate! That's beyond the pale!

"Ladies and Gentleman," I ask you, "is that 'style?'" I was mortified to have my President on television in front of the entire world talked to and lectured as a child. Do we not have any shame that we would present ourselves like that before entire nations that look to us for leadership and guidance? I'm sorry, that's not style . . . that's a very small person.

All of Debbie's pent-up anger makes me wonder if she isn't frustrated by another "very small person" as well.

Mr. Kerry, to use that particular forum to disgrace a President during a time of war certainly does not give you points for "style." Give me a break, the only thing styled that night was your hair.

Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen! A quick look at Debbie's hair shows that she's not being hypocritical here:

Debbie Daniel: Unstyled, Unleashed

I'm sure it would have been easy for George Bush to respond in kind, but he didn't. After such a somber day, I'm sure his heart wasn't into "ripping you apart" or taking you to the woodshed, as we know he can do.

Right. I'm glad he recognized that a debate is no place to respond to things your opponent is saying about you.

But he bit his lip, clenched his jaws, and oh, yes, pursed his lips - probably outraged at your presentation as a man seeking the highest office in the land.

On this point, Debbie, you and I are in complete agreement!

Even with all the pundits calling it a victory "on style" for John Kerry, and "substance" for George Bush, I am learning that "style" is a nice way of saying, "Kerry has mastered the art of deceit." I won't be so nice . . . he's mastered the art of lying.

Last time I checked, "all the pundits" weren't actually saying that.

It was obvious that Mr. Kerry and Jim Lehrer had colluded to hold their own "mock trial" in front of the world and were taking great pride in their effort to bring the President to his knees.

This seems to be a new meaning of the word "obvious" that I haven't seen before.

That was no debate; it was a presidential lynching. Jim Lehrer of PBS played the lawyer, and John Kerry, the "camouflaged chameleon," acted as both judge and jury. And if you saw the "pleasured" look on Kerry's face, he was out for the kill . . . and wanted to be the one to do it.

I certainly wouldn't want to speculate about Ms. Daniel's private life but her use of the word "pleasured" in this context is somewhat disturbing.

At first I told myself, "No, this couldn't happen in America," but my fellow citizens, you witnessed a "court trial and sentencing" of your own President.

"Judge" Kerry had already made up his mind about the verdict, so it was just a matter of enjoying himself for at least 90 minutes before he and Mr. Lehrer put the rope around the President's neck, and both took the reins to slowly pull the horse out from under the President, delightfully awaiting the "hanging."

Let us analyze what Debbie has just told us. According to her advanced wisdom, it was wrong for John Kerry to believe he was right about the issues and that the President was wrong about them – and it was especially wrong for him to believe this during a debate.

Let that one sink in for a while because it's earned Debbie an automatic nomination to our Wing Nut of the Year contest finals.

I understand that on the stage after the "farce" was over, that both Messieurs Lehrer and Kerry gave each other a nod and wink of "job well done."

I'm wondering if Debbie knows what that wink of "job well done" actually looks like.

"There's trouble I say . . . trouble in River City," and none of us seemed to "get it" at the time.

We found ourselves wondering what happened to the President; why the grimaces, the biting of the lip, the tightness of the jaw. He was being "snookered" and we didn't even know it.

How was George to know there'd be a guy asking questions and another guy answering them in a manner that questioned George's record? How could anybody have known that?

Once again we showed our ugly side to the world; and for those who want us dead, we gave them great joy in watching our great leader belittled. We let our soldiers see their commander-in-chief reprimanded by a low grade Senator.

Hopefully we've learned our lesson and won't let the soldiers watch any more of these so-called debates. Better yet, why don't we make sure the debates aren't televised at all?

What causes me to tremble is the behavior of a man who has shown disdain for a position God ordained. It is perilous to his own well-being . . . not to speak of what he's done to bring the country down. Mr. Kerry . . . if you had an ounce of decency in your heart, you would change your course of action immediately.

Yes, Mr. Kerry! Stop trying to win the Presidency because God has already ordained that our George is the only man for the job.

You may win the vote . . . but, sir, you will certainly lose your soul.

Run against Dubya and you're going straight to hell. The choice is yours, Senator.

There's a scripture in Romans 13:1-5 that sums it up best. And please note: these are not the words of this columnist; check out the author yourself.

"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrong doer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment, but also because of conscience."

I think Debbie's saying President Bush should act as an agent of God's wrath and strike Kerry down for daring to challenge him. Nothing crazy about that.

I don't know how much longer God is going to put up with our foolishness. For anyone who truly believes George W. Bush was selected by the Supreme Court . . . think again. You just read . . . "for there is no authority except that which God has established."

But...But...But...Debbie...That means if Kerry wins, then he has also been established by God and you'll have to repeat your argument all over again four years from now to make sure no Republicans run against him.

Think on these things.

Because apparently Debbie hasn't had a chance to do that yet.

Say Uncle!

2004-10-07T01:05:00.000-07:00

First it was Seb, then it was Vox, and then even Retardo decided to try it. Yes, dear readers, it seems that people just can't get enough of using their blogs to take practically unprovoked shots at your innocent and very humble host of the Dark Window.

Well, there's a new gnat in town and it's our friend Brad from Uncle Horn Head. After winning a sucker bet (it was rigged) for a 6-pack of his favorite beer (Coors), he decided that he wanted to try to get a second round out of me. I decided to go easy on him (I mean have you seen his blog?) and agreed that I'll buy him another six Silver Bullets if my Raiders end their season before his Eagles (the way Kerry Collins is throwing, Golden, CO has already recorded the new sale in their ledgers). But somehow the self-proclaimed good Uncle, that tiresome Manchester man, wants more. He wants a tie-breaker in the event that we, well, tie.

If any of you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. If not, I'm going to suggest we decide the winner by which of us can convince Michelle Malkin to intern the other first.

Hands

2004-10-07T01:03:00.000-07:00

I always hate to support those big faceless blogs when I could be supporting little faceless ones but this piece about Ann Coulter is one of the funniest, meanest things I've read in a long time.

Thank You!

2004-10-06T01:32:00.000-07:00

I would like to offer my most heartfelt thanks to everybody who dropped by to offer birthday wishes and kind words about the Dark Window yesterday. I was greatly touched by all the fantastic comments and encouraging words. Rest assured that in spite of the fact that you read the Dark Window, you're the coolest, smartest, and wittiest blog readers out there.

While we're on the subject of birthdays, today is Bartholomew's so make sure you drop by and wish him well. He writes one of my very favorite blogs in which he presents fascinating (and often truly bizarre) stories about religion that you won't find anyplace else. If you don't read him regularly, you should.

And now back to the business at hand...Mocking Wing Nuts!

A Vote For Kerry Is A Vote For The Draft

2004-10-06T01:05:00.000-07:00

Whether you're talking about last night's Vice Presidential debate or the dive bar down the street, there's one topic on everybody's lips: What the hell is going to happen with American involvement in Iraq? Well, not surprisingly, our good friend Joseph Farah has an entirely new take on the issue with a piece called Like the draft? Vote Kerry.

John Kerry muttered something about President Bush bringing about a backdoor draft through the use of National Guardsmen in Iraq.

Nice choice of words already. I'm picturing Kerry and Farah sitting on red glitter barstools in a greasy diner when John turns to Joe and grumbles about the poor excuse for coleslaw they're eating and oh, by the way, that jerk Bush is planning to bring back the draft.

I've got news for you.

You always do, Joe. You always do. That's why we love World Net Daily so much.

If you want to see the draft reinstated, vote for John Kerry.

To be honest with you, I've always figured the draft would be something Farah would support. Kind of like he'd spin his barstool towards you, leer menacingly for a moment while he finished a French fry, and then mutter, "Damn kids today. 'Bout time somebody taught them some responsibility."

But now I'm putting words in his mouth and since I'm not Fox News, I'd better just let him continue.

"Why do you say that?" you ask.

Because if John Kerry is elected president, there is going to be a mass exodus from the U.S. military services.

Who needs evidence? Not Dick Cheney, not George W. Bush, and certainly not Joseph Farah!

Anyone who can get out will get out.

Uh huh.

Re-enlistment levels will reach all-time lows – at least since the Clinton administration.

That's one of the greatest statements I've ever read. Let me translate for Joe. All-time = 3.5 years.

Nothing would be more demoralizing to U.S. servicemen than a Kerry victory. After all, this is the man who tells them they are fighting "the wrong war at the wrong time." This is the man who has opposed nearly every defense expenditure that has come before him in the last 20 years he has served in the U.S. Senate. This is the man who made a national name for himself by condemning troops on the battlefield in Vietnam as war criminals.

Yet Kerry will not be free to cut and run from Iraq as many of his supporters hope. He will have to play tough – at least for awhile.

This is a little confusing to me. According to Joe, everybody (including his supporters) thinks Kerry will be weak and "cut and run" from Iraq but in reality, he will do the opposite. Does this mean the U.S. servicemen (Farah's term) would rather he didn't play it tough? Or is Farah saying that the loyalty of our soldiers lies not with protecting their country but with a particular political leader? Maybe I'm a little slow here but that seems to come awfully close to maligning our troops.

Listen very carefully to what he's saying. Our troops do not support our country or our way of life. They support a Republican President and will leave if he's not reelected.

You tell me how he's going to do that with military men leaving the first chance they get?

That's right. He will be forced to push for conscription.

Because in Wing Nut Land, there's only one thing to do once you make a ridiculous assertion. Make an even more ridiculous assertion based on the first. I'm a little surprised Farah didn't go on to say that our nation would undergo a new sexual revolution after being torn apart by domestic strife caused by John Kerry's draft.

So what would Kerry do? Could he afford to surrender in the face of massive defections by the troops? Would he forbid soldiers from leaving when their time was up? Would he force troops to stay on against their will?

Hmmmmm...Remember THIS, Joe?

Now comes the part of the article I enjoyed most. Farah starts up with the compulsive gambling.

I will bet you that better than 90 percent of U.S. troops oppose Kerry. I will bet you they tell jokes about him during quiet times in the barracks in Iraq. I will bet you that he is disliked by soldiers in the field as much as he was by those still on the field in Vietnam in 1971.

Does our betting friend have any evidence for this 90% number? Evidently not.

Joseph Farah: Knows When To Hold 'Em

They will be leaving as soon as they can in the event of a Kerry victory. There will be no stopping them. It will create something of a national emergency – a crisis.

Right. Certainly no sense of duty or honor would stop them because they're all Right Wing opportunists who care more about politics than our national security and way of life. That's what Farah's telling us.

And John Kerry, with the support of his party in Congress, will do the only thing he can do – reinstitute the draft.

Is Joseph predicting a Democratic takeover of both House and Senate?

So, once again, the political conventional wisdom is all wrong.

Or Farah is. There's always the tiny outside possibility of that.

There is little or no threat of the draft being reinstituted in a second Bush administration. But I would give you better than even odds on it if Kerry wins.

Remember where you heard it.

Don't worry, Joe. I promise I will!

Unfortunately, I'm guessing this didn't help my chances of getting my own World Net Daily column, though.

Seeking Some Blogging Advice From The Big Guy

2004-10-05T01:50:00.000-07:00

So it's my birthday today and that can only mean one thing...Existential Crisis!

Yes, you may have noticed a certain lethargy in our recent entries here at the Dark Window, a certain je ne sais quoi. Okay, actually I do know quoi. I originally started this blog as a way to procrastinate from writing my poorly-planned novel that nobody will ever read and so far it's worked brilliantly. But the question now occurs to me...How long should we continue this madness? How long should the Dark Window remain open?

Thinking along those lines, I've been asking myself several questions. Is the blog still fresh (was it ever?) or have we fallen into a rut? Is it funny? As funny as Jamie at least? Or have we become that dreaded blog that people simply read to fill time between new posts at Sadly, No! and World O'Crap?

Perhaps more importantly, do we serve any purpose? Do we respond to any higher calling? Fortunately, our last post about Judge Roy Moore solicited the following helpful comment from our new friend Pablo:

Hmmm, and yet more people listen to this guy than they do to you.

This is undoubtedly true. But there's more to Pablo's wisdom.

He's achieved more than you ever will, and his talents, views and abilities will make a difference in the future, unlike yours.
How do you feel about that?

Surprisingly indifferent. But maybe Pablo has a point. Given my lack of "talents, views and abilities," what would my higher caller have me do instead?

Should I follow in Roy Moore's footsteps and become one of Vox Day's dreaded media whores? Should I devote more time to putting giant rocks in public buildings so as to amass a sizeable following of doting Wing Nuts? Should I stop mocking Christ-like figures like Pat Robertson, Doug Giles, and Karl Rove and instead throw myself into the work of the kingdom (i.e. re-installing George W. Bush)? Should I disappear into the wilds of Mexico like Ambrose Bierce?

I needed to see what God thought about all this so, already fairly certain that the Almighty would vote for me to vanish with Pancho Villa, I headed over to Pat Robertson's site. Thankfully, there was a very helpful article entitled My Job, My Calling: Can They Be the Same?

I eagerly clicked upon the link, hoping to find some answers for my rapidly-dwindling future.

The article starts with a "quote" from the Living Bible (if you know anything about the Living Bible, you know why I put "quote" in quotes):

“God has given each of you some special abilities; be sure to use them to help each other, passing on to other’s God’s many kinds of blessings.”

Since one of my gifts is mocking poor Wing Nut grammar, I think I'm on the right track already. But while we're on the topic, who besides Jan Crouch reads the Living Bible anymore?

Jan enjoying a passage from the old LB

Can you tell me what success means for you this year?

My own World Net Daily column.

Are you where you thought you’d be at this stage of your life?

Frankly, I always figured I'd have tried jumping my X-1 Skycycle over the Snake River Canyon by this point so I guess the answer would have to be no.

Have you ever had a sense of “calling” in your life? How did you hear that calling?

My mom always calls me at 5:00 AM since she lives on the East Coast and doesn't understand time changes. I wonder if that counts.

Is your work a fulfillment of your “calling?”

I can't imagine the Dark Window being a fulfillment of anything. Well, maybe a prophecy gone bad.

Do you go home at night with a sense of meaning, purpose and accomplishment?

I think "reeks of failure" might be a more accurate description.

God established work before the fall. God placed the first humans in the garden to “tend and keep it.” This work assignment was given before sin entered the world and God pronounced the curse.

Yes, but I have to point out that Adam had a naked chick hanging around while he did his work. That's bound to make a difference.

God blesses work even after the fall. If work were evil, God would never encourage people to engage in it. In Colossians 3:23 we are told to “work hard and cheerfully at all you do, just as though you were working for the Lord and not merely for your masters (bosses).” (LB)

I usually just see work as a way to drown out those incessant voices in my head.

God is saving the greatest rewards for eternity – and work will be among them. Surprise! The saved will “build houses”, “plant vineyards”, and shall “long enjoy the work of their hands.” (Isaiah 65:17-25)

Surprise indeed. I was kind of hoping the afterlife might be a good time to take a bit of a vacation. Instead I'm going to be stuck with a bunch of Jimmy Carters.

There are 3 components that must be blended in our work in order for it to be an expression of our calling.

I'm all ears.

The most common mistake people make in choosing a career is to do something simply because they are good at it. Remembering the happiest times in your life and the times when you felt most fulfilled are better indicators of your calling than just knowing what you have the ability to do. You must have the ability, but that’s only one component.

I certainly didn't start the Dark Window because I was good at it so maybe I'm on the right path after all.

How do you relate to other people, projects, and ideas? Are you analytical and logical, or expressive and outgoing? Are you nurturing, supportive and encouraging or do you thrive when you are working on a project in isolation? There is no “right” or “wrong” here, but understanding your uniqueness will help identify the best environment.

I'm glad there's no "right" or "wrong" here because I'd have to say acerbic, shrill, and mean-spirited.

Are you motivated by the constant search for new knowledge?

More like the constant search for new Wing Nuts.

What are you drawn to even when money is not an issue?

If you've ever read the Dark Window, you'd know that money is certainly not an issue.

What is it that when you are doing it, time just flies by?

Making fun of people.

What God calls us to do does not stamp out who we are.

Score one for the smart-ass.

Here’s a worthy goal:

“The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he is always doing both.” James Michener

I guess this means I should continue the Dark Window for now because it's still kind of fun and, well, I don't really even know what a vision of excellence would look like. We'll re-evaluate once the election is over. But until then, the Window remains open and a steady stream of rocks shall proceed to be hurled from it.

Judge Roy Moore - Patriot, Poet, American

2004-10-04T01:05:00.000-07:00

Remember Judge Roy Moore? (If you've read S.Z.'s blog for any length of time, you probably know him as Rob Moore) He's the guy who put that giant Ten Commandments rock in the rotunda of the Alabama state courthouse. Well, he's back and has just written a stirring new poem entitled America The Beautiful?

America the beautiful,
or so you used to be.
Land of the pilgrims' pride;
I'm glad they'll never see.

Why does Judge Roy Moore hate America?

Babies piled in dumpsters,
Abortion on demand,
Oh, sweet land of liberty,
your house is on the sand.

Yay! I've always wanted beachfront property!

Our children wander aimlessly
poisoned by cocaine,
Choosing to indulge their lusts,
when God has said abstain.

Sounds like somebody's been reading Kitty Kelley's book.

From sea to shining sea,
our nation turns away
From the teaching of God's love
and a need to always pray.

Yes, instead of doing those things we've resorted to cheap publicity stunts involving big rocks in rotundas.

We've kept God in our temples,
how callous we have grown.
When earth is but His footstool,
and Heaven is His throne.

Would that make the sun his TV and the moon his remote?

We've voted in a government
that's rotting at the core,
Appointing Godless judges
who throw reason out the door.

Sounds like Roy's angling for a Supreme Court appointment...

You think that God's not angry,
that our land's a moral slum?
How much longer will He wait
before His judgment comes?

Wait...Wouldn't that make God a slumlord?

If we who are His children,
will humbly turn and pray;
Seek His holy face
and mend our evil way:

Then God will hear from Heaven
and forgive us of our sins,
He'll heal our sickly land
and those who live within.

It sounds to me like God wants us to vote for Kerry.

But, America the beautiful,
if you don't, then you will see,
A sad but Holy God
withdraw His hand from Thee.

Who wants to see God sad? Vote Kerry/Edwards this November! You heard it at Bush Country first.

Bush Country also included this little blurb about Moore:

Judge Moore was recently sued by the ACLU for displaying the Ten Commandments in his courtroom foyer. He has been stripped of his judgeship and now the ACLU is trying to strip his right to practice law in the state of Alabama.

Join us next week for the cage match between Judge Roy "Rob" Moore and the ACLU. Wooooooo!

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

2004-09-30T02:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, dear readers, it's "All Sex Day" over at World o'Crap. Don't visit on an empty stomach, though, because S.Z. is already talking about an Ann Coulter porno.

Just one thing...Before you visit, make sure you read the piece below as it makes a nice counterpoint to all the sex you'll encounter.

The 15 Most Deadly Lies

2004-09-30T01:05:00.000-07:00

That's the subject of a new book being hawked over at World Net Daily. It's called Myths, Lies, & Half-Truths: How Misreading the Bible Neutralizes Christians and is, as you might expect from WND, all about militant Christianity and the embrace of politics.

In Gary DeMar's newest book, "Myths, Lies, & Half-Truths" readers will explore in detail the 15 most deadly lies accepted by far too many Christians and Christian leaders.

Why does this happen? Because we misread the Bible in many ways.

Fortunately, Gary's here to instruct us how to read it correctly.

The rest of the WND piece lists those 15 deadly lies that are neutralizing Christians. Following are a couple of my favorites.

Jesus didn't get mixed up in politics

Recently unearthed texts indicate that Jesus was, in fact, planning to run for the State Senate in Galilee (as a Republican, of course) just before his untimely demise.

You can't impose your morality on other people

If Gary can't have fun in this life, then he's damn sure gonna be certain that you can't either!

There's a separation between church and state

He's got a point here. All the greatest governments throughout history have been built upon religious fundamentalism.

We're living in the last days

Ooooh...Hal Lindsey's not going to like that one.

Christians should just 'preach the gospel'

Real Christians understand that the true meaning of the Great Commission was to go forth and redistrict Texas.

Politics is dirty

In fact, politics is the gentle art, a realm of truth, honesty, and fairness for all.

Religion and politics do not mix

True. What purpose could God possibly serve aside from political prop?

Our citizenship is in heaven

Is Gary admitting that his isn't?

God's kingdom is not of this world.

Better start laying up those treasures on earth, Christians.

These and many more objections are studied, evaluated, and answered in this succinctly written new book. Understanding what God's Word says about these often-recited but rarely examined challenges to Christian activism will determine the future of Christianity in America and around the world.

When you realize how many of those "lies" were about spiritual understanding, care for the poor and downtrodden, metaphysical mysteries, and personal growth and change, that's a pretty telling statement of the type of Christianity WND is trying to spread.

This being the case, it just may be the most important book you will ever read.

Wow. Considering that most WND readers would probably claim to have read the Bible, that's quite a recommendation!

Is It Too Late For America?

2004-09-29T01:05:00.000-07:00

World Net Daily has been running a giant banner headline at the top of their site with these dramatic words: Christian revival in U.S. – can it really happen?

Let's find out!

While many Christian voices are calling urgently for a major national revival, author John Chalfant not only agrees, but has offered up a stunning blueprint to help get the job done.

This being World Net Daily, You can probably guess where this one's going.

The United States is losing its greatness, says Chalfant, because Christian clergy have abandoned "the militant, power-filled, full-dimensional" faith of America's founders.

Because if there's one thing this country needs to be great again, it's more militant fundamentalists.

Many Christian leaders have compromised with a secular worldview that never could have created the Declaration of Independence, Constitution or Bill of Rights, claims Chalfant, a member of the influential Council for National Policy.

Yeah, they've spent their efforts worrying about the poor and downtrodden when they should have been promoting defense initiatives and communist witch hunts. Think I'm kidding? Then read on, my friend!

"We are in a war for our God-given nation and freedoms, and the workers of iniquity are winning," Chalfant says.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised Dick Cheney hasn't claimed credit for these workers of iniquity. After all, they'd help boost his claims about our booming economy.

But he has not given up hope – far from it – insisting Christians still have at their disposal "the superior, available power and strength to take it all back."

"The hour is late, but the bell has not yet tolled for America," writes Chalfant, whose book offers a major action plan for restoration.

Have you ever stopped to think about what the Wing Nuts are really saying when they shriek about the hour being late for America? Wouldn't this make them treasonous, defeatist, flip-flopping blame-America-firsters?

He points out that while non-Christians in America certainly are not obligated to adopt or convert to the Christian faith, it is "the duty of every American citizen to defend the Constitution and the Judeo-Christian pillars of law and liberty which grant us such freedoms."

Interesting argument. If you don't support Christianity, then you won't have the right to believe something other than Christianity.

"Every citizen who is a beneficiary of America's freedoms, especially the freedom to worship as he or she pleases, or not to worship at all, has a duty to defend the Judeo-Christian pillars and laws of our nation that make such freedom possible," he adds.

"In no sense is this duty a compromise with one's own religious convictions. In America this duty simply guarantees a person's right to worship as he pleases without fear of persecution."

Well, I'm a little more old school than John and so trace my pillars and laws back to the Code of Hammurabi. Come on, people! It's your duty to support Bel and Marduk and the freedoms they make possible!

Chalfant says he committed the rest of his life "to the service of Jesus Christ and America's freedoms" after hearing a speech by the political hero of his youth, Richard Arens, staff director of the House Committee on Un-American Activities, who produced a research series on Soviet world expansion.

So far we've learned that we must embrace Christianity to enable us to believe other things. This coming from the man who learned Christianity from the HUAC – a group legendary for its embrace and cultivation of widely differing points of view.

The Arens speech began, "Two thousand years ago there was One who spoke these words: 'No man can serve two masters," comparing Jesus Christ, the "author of freedom," to Karl Marx, the "destroyer of freedom."

Finding inner peace and the meaning of life? Developing a personal relationship with the Almighty? Nah. Christianity's all about defeating the Commies.

Over the next three decades, he helped assist and fund the many Christian pro-defense leaders with whom he developed a relationship. Among his projects was a video marketing campaign, "SALT Syndrome," by the American Security Council, which President-elect Ronald Reagan later wrote was a major factor in his election victory.

So what God really wants for our nation is revival in the form of a missile defense system.

The first edition of his book, published with the title "Abandonment Theology: The Clergy and the Decline of American Christianity," was hailed by many state and national lawmakers. It has become a text for political campaigns, Christian and conservative organizations and has earned the endorsement of clergy across denominational lines.

Any guesses what kinds of political campaigns would use John's book as a "text?"

Next we learn that our nation needs to return to the "militant Christian faith" of the Founding Fathers and renounce the evils of Abandonment Theology.

Abandonment theology, he says, has laid the foundation for the "prevailing posture of non-resistance to overspreading evil."

John really has a way with words, doesn't he? In a piece praising the glories of strong national defense, he makes it a point to tie "non-resistance" with "overspreading evil."

I feel kind of bad that I haven't made more of an attempt to tie "John" with "moron."

The widespread retreat from Christian duty has opened the country to atheistic, humanistic, evolutionary and cult-based evils that undermine the founding principles of America and threaten our nation, Chalfant says.

Yes, because if there's one thing that's decimated our once-great nation, it's our biology teachers. I'm sure there's a very special section of hell reserved for them.

He describes "Abandonment Theology" as:

A faith which deceptively pawns itself off as Christianity by operating in the name of Christ, but which produces fruits destructive to America's God-given freedoms. It comprises what is left today of the militant, power-filled, full-dimensional Christian faith of America's Founders after decades of erosion, watering down and trivializing of God's action mandates by America's Abandonment Clergy. It is a "feel good" theology that patronizes Jesus Christ and thereby gains legitimacy, while at the same time produces disobedience to the commands of God and desertion of Christian duty.

The commands of God including things like building a missile defense system, of course.

Evil's influences

His updated volume addresses contemporary political issues such as national defense, Islamic terrorism, public education and "reparations."

Sounds like a blueprint for revival to me. Those reparations nuts are really dragging this country down into the depths of depravity.

He summarizes areas in which evil has gained influence because of "abandonment clergy" and their followers:

Here are a couple of examples:

Homosexuality: This practice is condemned by God as "abomination" and "unclean" (transmitters for death-dealing diseases such as AIDS). It is "against nature," and is not genetic or an "alternate lifestyle."

Step One for revival: adopt John's lifestyle. There is no alternate.

John W. Chalfant

Women (wives, mothers, sisters, and daughters) in combat: It is an inversion of the natural role for which God created women and contributes to the destruction of a nation through downgrading and demoralizing its military combat forces.

Poverty, injustice, corruption, corporate imperialism, invasions of sovereign countries...God doesn't care about these things. It's women in the military that really makes Him mad.

"Peace, peace; when there is no peace:" Years of disarming, neutralizing propaganda takes the fight out of Christians. The claim ignores "fallen human nature" and God's mandates for vigilance by selling the false doctrine of "peace" or "peace in our time" or "peaceful co-existence" (with evil governments) as if peace were nothing more than the absence of battlefield conflict.

Time to break out the assault rifles for Jesus!

In response, Chalfant lays out a comprehensive 18-point action plan. But the very first task, he says, is "to go to our knees in prayer and ask God to help us put the shattered pieces of our Christian worldview back together so we can clearly see the whole picture and the positive role that we as individuals can play in the areas of our calling."

Cool. I'm pretty sure my calling is to mock Wing Nuts so I won't even be needing the 18 points.

Bring On The Suicide Bombers!

2004-09-28T01:10:00.000-07:00

Craig R. Smith. You might know him as the guy on Fox News who's always telling you to buy gold. Well, he's also just established himself as King of the Wing Nuts. For this month, anyway. Let's just think of him as Mr. September.

I know that's a pretty tall statement but I'm confident that after reading his new column entitled Terrorism solution: 1-way ticket to paradise, you'll agree.

He starts with this stirring quote from our Commander-in-Chief:

"If we stop fighting the terrorists in Iraq, they would be free to plot and plan attacks elsewhere, in America and other free nations."

–GeorgeW. Bush, Sept. 23, 2004

Fortunately for Bush and his plan, it appears as though we'll be fighting terrorists in Iraq for a very long time.

Today the U.S. is either a) witnessing one of the most brilliant military strategies in the war on terror, or b) experiencing yet another example of the "Law of Unintended Consequences."

How about Option C? Squandering our might, prestige, relationships, resources, and (most importantly) young people in an increasingly un-winnable quaqmire? That one doesn't seem to have occurred to Craig for some reason.

Anyway, after his comprehensive list of options, Mr. September tells us that our actions in Afghanistan were stunningly successful. Of course they didn't end terrorism but did send lots of terrorists "scurrying for the nearest spider hole." What that means will shortly become clear.

If I were president, or an international leader, common sense would tell me that the next place you seek to destroy the enemy and those who support terrorism would be Iraq. Why? Forget about WMDs.

Don't worry, Craig. They already seem to be forgotten.

Forget about biological, nuclear or chemical weapons. Even if Iraq had not one peashooter, I would have attacked, because Saddam was a human-rights maniac.

Sure, Craig. That's why you've written so many columns advocating the removal of human-rights maniacs from power in so many other far-flung countries.

Not because he raped women on the day of their weddings, or because of the torture rooms where unheard-of atrocities where committed. No, I would have gone in for one reason: Saddam was openly and proudly paying U.S. $25,000 to any "Palestinian" (read: Arab) terrorist that would strap on a bomb and kill innocent Jews in the streets of Haifa, Jerusalem or Tel Aviv.

So we attacked. And rightly so. We absolutely decimated his regime. We kicked butt, and the victory was laughably easy to us.

Yeah, so far we've had over a thousand of our most giving citizens laugh all the way to the grave. Sounds like a real comedy fest to me. And then there's the fact that Iraq is now a model of democratic reform and freedom and we'll probably never need to worry about violence in Israel again!

But in doing so, we totally humiliated the world of the terrorists. They saw how Saddam – the tough warrior who said he would slay the Great Satan and have their blood run in the streets of Baghdad – was reduced to a rat hiding in a hole.

Everybody knows that the plan of the terrorists all along was to stop the American Army on its drive to Baghdad.

Military brilliance or unintended consequence?

Now comes the "Law of Unintended Consequences," or one of the most brilliant plans ever executed by any military planner in the history of war. You see, it now appears Saddam's defeat was so powerful that terrorists – from Jordan to Saudi Arabia – are rallying to the cries of the defeated radicals in Iraq because their honor is on the line.

Lots of new ones are rising up in Iraq, too! Don't forget that!

I say the more the merrier. Bring them all to Iraq. I hope every single terrorist in the world feels an absolute holy obligation, a call from Allah if you will, to come to Iraq and become car bombers, suicide bombers and rocket-wielding nut balls.

If that paragraph doesn't automatically put Craig into the Wing Nut-of-the-Year Finals, then the contest is meaningless.

Why?

I might have phrased that question somewhat differently. I'm pretty sure my version would have involved a lot more profanity.

Simple: You have an enemy that was once scattered throughout the Middle East and the world now coming together all in one place to fight in Iraq, and they therefore can be eliminated at one time, in one way, real simply.

Real simply, indeed. Craig's a regular Clausewitz, it seems.

I pray each night for every insane Muslim terrorist who will hear the "holy call" to go and fight in Iraq.

I'm sure our soldiers in Iraq are absolutely thrilled to hear that!

Think about it for a moment. How many terrorists are we killing every day in Iraq? Tens, hundreds, thousands? That's one less terrorist that is somewhere else plotting or coordinating more attacks on freedom-loving people like you and me – which is exactly what G.W. Bush told Prime Minister Ayad Allawi this week.

Barbara Tuchman once pointed out that political leaders always fight the last war. In other words, their natural inclination is to fall back on past methods, strategies, and world-views, regardless of what may have changed in the intervening time. Mr. September doesn't seem to be fighting the last war, though. He seems to be fighting one of those Victorian wars of about 140 years ago.

Whether the military generals have planned it or not, the enemy is now in Iraq, and they can be defeated in large numbers if we just have the guts to let the troops do their job!

How much you wanna bet that for Craig, "doing their job" involves a lot of indiscriminate killing?

The U.S. military could easily do an airdrop of millions of leaflets over Fallujah warning civilians that they have exactly 48 hours to get out. If they have nowhere to go, we can help set up refugee camps, giving the innocent food and shelter. Then we allow the U.S. and coalition forces to go in and level the place, killing everything that moves after the deadline, leveling their mosques, buildings – everything!

Ahhhh, that's a brilliant and truly godly solution. The terrorists will obviously stay put after reading those leaflets. I'm sure none of the "innocents" will mind having everything they know destroyed. And just think of all those hearts and minds we'll win throughout the region in the process!

The net result: annihilation of the enemy in Iraq, which in turn will likely incite even more outrage in the terrorist world, which will then draw even more of these nut ball terrorists to Iraq to help fight the jihad against the Great Satan, who will meet the same fate as their fellow terrorist we killed the day before.

Kind of a flawless plan when you think about it. We keep encouraging the rise of terrorism so we can keep killing terrorists. Somebody get this guy a Nobel Prize!

Iraq could become the official terrorist launching pad to eternity, where they stop by, blow themselves up, pick up their 72 virgins and head for paradise. They should be grateful to the Great Satan. Think of how easy we're making it for these vermin to get their glory!

Do you realize what Mr. September is saying? He's actually telling us it's a good thing to have more suicide bombers trying to kill our troops.

Stop. And let that sink in for a moment.

Let's stop kidding ourselves and playing political games on talk radio, TV and op-ed pages. We are at war. In war people die. Sometimes innocent people. That is terrible, but a reality.

As long as those innocent people are not named Craig, he doesn't seem like he'll be too broken up about their dying.

I want to remind you while the troops have been fighting these "insurgent" terrorists in Iraq, Americans have been safe in Indiana.

And how could anybody possibly dispute the causal relationship there?

In fact, I think Americans would be well served to establish a new nonprofit fund that would buy a one-way airline ticket for any Islamic fundamentalist who believes terrorism is a "reasonable choice of weapon" to fight the infidel in Iraq. A one-way ticket back to Iraq. There will be no need to go back home, for they will soon be headed to "paradise." They can join their brothers to fight and be killed in Iraq – not here in America.

How is it possible that our military leaders haven't chosen to do this yet?!

I will be the first to buy a ticket. Any takers?

Tell you what, Craig. I'll pony up the dough to send you there too because I'm sure you'll want to be the first to throw yourself into the path of all those suicide bombers.

Mr. September, 2004

Update: SocraticSilence reminds me that Norbizness had a great post a few days ago debunking the whole "bring 'em on" theory. Check it out.

Friends

2004-09-27T01:10:00.000-07:00

Well, we here at the Dark Window were gone all weekend and haven't had a chance to write our usual low-quality blog entry for today. In its stead, we invite you once again to visit two very cool blogs that we've only just added to our blogroll: Femme Fatal and The Infinite Stitch. Both blogs are fantastic and deserve your full attention.

In addition to those, we are very pleased to introduce a brand-new blog by famed Dark Window commenter Delagar. Delagar is a professor of English in Arkansas (feel free to make any of the obvious jokes here) and has started a blog that looks to be interesting, incisive, witty, and informative. In other words, all those things that Sadly, No! isn't.

Please go visit these and the other fine blogs listed to your right and we'll be back here tomorrow with our usual caustic delight.

No, It's OUR Hurricane!

2004-09-24T01:07:00.000-07:00

Ah, well, it was just a matter of time before the Wing Nuts finally got around to shrieking about all these hurricanes.

First off we have Rush Limbaugh saying hurricanes aren't increasing in frequency:

"Hurricanes have been around in greater numbers than we've seen today before we even started doing what they [liberals] say we're doing that causes global warming."

And then here's Hal Lindsey who says that hurricanes actually are increasing in frequency:

An onslaught of deadly hurricanes that have battered the southern United States support theories that such storms are occurring more frequently.

He goes on to say:

Meanwhile, up and down the Atlantic seaboard, forecasters continue to worry about running out of letters in the alphabet before we run out of hurricanes this year.

And what's the significance of that?

Jesus predicted these kind of signs would begin to occur just before His return

Aha. So one Wing Nut says the number of hurricanes has been decreasing (so we can feel better about polluting) while another says it's been increasing (so Jesus can return to earth). How is one to make sense of this seeming contradiction by two of conservatism's brightest lights?

Well, fortunately there's also Matt Grills over at the Rant, who gets right to the heart of the matter. It doesn't matter if they're increasing or decreasing in frequency. What matters is that God may be using them to target liberals and sinners.

As Hurricane Ivan continues to display its destructive power, I’m reminded of the unpleasant and often ignored reality of God’s wrath.

At the risk of sounding like Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson, who appear to have high-speed DSL connecting them to God’s gray matter, I do believe that the Almighty occasionally employs natural disasters and other tragedies in an effort to communicate his discontent with nations and the people inhabiting them.

Matt's about to demonstrate how his connection to the Almighty is more akin to dial-up.

Like most Americans, I did a double take when I heard that Ivan, before its course change, threatened to drown New Orleans in 12 to 18 feet of water. But considering that Mardi Gras is basically a crotch grab in the Almighty’s general direction, isn’t it naive to think the city’s not a magnet for some kind of trouble?

Speaking of crotch grabs, I'm thinking Matt might very much enjoy this link.

Now on to a more serious note: Pissed Off Patricia, one of the very cool bloggers over at Blondesense, is currently in the process of having to re-evacuate her home (already badly damaged by previous storms) because of the threat of Hurricane Jeanne. I don't think Liz and the crew at Blondesense have a tip jar, unfortunately, but at least drop by and wish Patricia well.

Wing Nut Fashion Show!

2004-09-23T01:20:00.000-07:00

It's time for another round of cutting-edge Christian t-shirts here at the Dark Window and today's offerings come from the new fall line by the ultra-trendy designers at Christian Outfitters. As you can imagine, these things are taking the runways of Milan and Paris by storm.

I can't wait to watch Night of the Living Blessings!

I'm just going to be honest. I'm not drinking from any cup that has blood dripping down the side. Get some Palmolive and we'll talk.

I think God had Queen's theme song to Flash Gordon in mind when He made our ~~Savior~~ President. "Bum bum bum bum...Bush...Bu-ush...He saved every one of us! Doo doo doo doo..."

"That tomb sucked, man. But I got up and now it's time to get down! To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!"

Oooh, Jacob's about to get bitch slapped! The heart above the "i" makes it family-safe, though.

The Female Body Inspector isn't going to be happy about having his acronym stolen. Well, unless that believer is hot in addition to being firm.

Too bad Jesus didn't have a Jetta. He probably could have gotten a little closer.

Of course he's not here. He's guest-starring in Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance in Vega$.

If God's soldiers choose to gird themselves in these "trojans," what does that make them?

Uh...Ann Coulter?

Be sure to join us next time for another exciting edition of Trends in End Times Witnessing!

Ted's Revenge

2004-09-22T01:05:00.000-07:00

Because Seb is on vacation and nobody is manning (I use that term loosely) his blog (well, nobody meaning me, of course), my entry for today is posted over at his far-inferior website. It's all about Pat Robertson's news organization and their fear of grade school textbooks. Since you are not excused from reading a Dark Window entry today, I suggest that you go read it now.

We'll be back here tomorrow.

Thank you.

"Time To Just Say It!"

2004-09-21T01:15:00.000-07:00

That's the title of JB Williams' latest column at American Daily, one of America's premier sources for news and commentary.

Politicians have successfully divided 290 million individuals into a handful of nice neat little voting blocks easy to pander to. The liberal media (who is rarely fair or balanced about anything), has brain soaked the country into thinking “fair & balanced” reporting is of more value than just plain “truthful” reporting.

Whoa, there. I think JB's saying that Fox News is soaking people's brains into believing untruths. Believe it or not, I agree!

Occasionally, circumstances demand that we set aside congeniality and get right down to calling things by their rightful name. This seems like one of those occasions.

Uh huh. I'll bet those occasions are real rarities chez JB, too.

I’m not sure there has ever been more at stake than in this election, but atop the list is the impending extinction of truth.

Well, at least we finally have a Wing Nut concerned about the extinction of something!

Political correctness can sometimes serve the worth while purpose of setting an amenable tone for public discourse. But in case you hadn’t noticed, the current tone in America is anything but amenable. So political correctness has lost its luster, and it is no longer of any viable use.

Do you think JB really believes that political correctness used to have luster?

What I’m about to tell you is not something you don’t already know. It’s just stuff you have forgotten because nobody has been allowed to say it around here for a long time.

Whenever a Wing Nut writes a sentence like that, you know what's coming next is going to be good.

At one time, liberal was not a dirty word. But many of today’s liberals are better described by the term socialist, and though they seem to not care much for this term, it is no less appropriate.

Ah, yes, the old "liberals used to be honorable but now they're socialist traitors" meme. I wonder how JB would react if Democrats tried to bring back the WPA.

Here’s another term liberals bristle at, anti-American. This is also the correct term for the behavior I have been witnessing for some years, and that permeates the liberal movement today.

And if JB says it, you know it's truth.

I realize these terms seem harsh in a day when we are not supposed to call things by their rightful name. But sometimes, when we call evil by a more pleasant name, we overlook the fact that it is still evil.

Just like when we call a moron by a more pleasant name, we overlook the fact that he is still a moron.

Today’s liberals, today’s Democratic Party leadership, and the handful of billionaires supporting them, are in fact socialists and they are in fact anti-American.

Just in case you think that's an outrageous statement, JB backs it up with plenty of evidence.

America is the richest nation on earth as a direct result of our economic design. America not only produces more millionaires than any country in earth’s history, but everyone fortunate enough to call themselves American, enjoys a lifestyle second to none in the world.

So if you are anti-Capitalism, you are anti-American, because nothing is more American than good old fashion capitalism.

I thought nothing was more American than baseball and apple pie. Why does the revisionist JB hate America?

95% of Americans consider themselves to be spiritual, believing in a higher power, a greater good, a life beyond this life, and since the beginning of time, this bedrock belief has served our nation well.

It has since the beginning of time, eh? Next thing you know, JB's going to say our nation is 6,000 years old.

Further, America is predominantly a Christian nation, and because it is, even those who are non-believers enjoy blessings most in the world can’t imagine. Because our nation was built on the foundation of Judeo Christian values, we are all free to worship as we see fit, including not at all.

So if you are anti-religion, you are in fact anti-American. You must realize that there is a difference between being a non-believer, and being an antagonist, a difference between not subscribing to the belief, and belittling others who believe, or who freely express their belief.

Wouldn't this make anti-Americans of all those on the Right who belittle the beliefs of the evil secular humanists or socially liberal Christians?

So far this column has taught us that Fox News, JB, Pat Robertson, and Jerry Falwell are anti-American. I wonder who else fits that bill...

Thousands gave their lives, their futures, so that we might have the chance to live and grow in this, the greatest nation on earth. They gave everything, so that we might have something worth fighting for. No matter how high minded your intentions, if you are willing to trade this to be a small piece of any one world order, you are in fact un-American.

You want allies? You think this earth comprises more than America? Then you're un-American. Pretty much as simple as that.

There is no getting around the truth. The truth doesn’t have a side, it doesn’t belong to any particular political Party, it’s not subject to the eye of the beholder, or negotiable, it just is.

I can think of several truths that "just are" after reading this column.

Many liberals are not just liberal today, they are socialists, and they are un-American for all the reasons I stated and more. The DNC needs new leadership and they will continue to lose power until they get it.

The simple truth is, that’s how it should be!

Thanks, JB! You are a true piece of work.

The Wit and Wisdom of Tammy Wilhite

2004-09-20T01:10:00.000-07:00

Our old friend Tamara Wilhite has an exciting new column that lists her best ideas for New Democratic Party Buttons. They're almost as fun as the Christian t-shirts so let's have a look. As is customary here, her words are in red (kind of like Christ's).

Lie about Sex. Lie about Bush. Hey, everybody does it!

Even Republicans!

Our Hillary is duff, too!

Uh...Our Tammy is Bruce?

Clinton. Get’s a lick, keeps on tricking.

Tammy. Get's an apostrophe, liable to stick it anywhere.

You’re working to hard! Come work for us!

I'm thinking that one doesn't apply to her editor.

No government too small.

Tammy, honey, you seem to be a little confused on this one.

Hi, my special interest group is __________

Let's look at Tammy's photo and see if we can figure it out:

Hi, my ethnic/religious/sexual/fringe group is ________

See photo above. I'll bet there are lots of ways she could fill in that blank.

I’m proud of my ethnic/religious/sexual/fringe group.

Tammy seems to be running out of ideas.

We’d rather have Rather, to beat on the Bush.

That one's almost poetic.

Hurricane Ivan! All Bush’s fault!

Mainly because he refuses to take responsibility for anything else. Well, except for the Iraqi soccer team.

Pets are people too. They deserve the right to vote.

Just ask Rick Santorum!

Be sure to tune in next time for another edition of Tammy Talk.

No Title Could Do Justice To These

2004-09-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure what to say about our newest addition to the blogroll. His name is Retardo, he's a big Paul Harvey fan, and he seems to have been repeatedly dropped on his head as a child.

In case you missed his latest masterpiece, it stars Sorrell Brooke (of Boss Hogg fame) as me and seems to be some sort of sit-com. It also has the audience applauding and laughing at Retardo himself.

Like that would ever happen in real life.

But he does manage to get a few things right from time to time - especially when he refers to our friend Seb as gnomic. Now if only he'd direct his Wilhite-like wit to Frederick, we could all be happy.

In vaguely related news, Frederick has an excellent piece about who's really behind "Rathergate". It's not as funny as Elementropy (thank heavens) but should be required reading.

Check 'em out.

Update: Retardo's perma-links don't seem to work (surprise surprise), so make sure you scroll down to his entry entitled I'll Sue Your Ass, Bitch!

A Short Announcement

2004-09-17T01:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of posting yesterday and today. Our proverbial dark window has been broken. Don't go far, though. The mocking will recommence shortly.

- The Management

Pastor Joe And The Wrath Of God

2004-09-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

Our old friend Joseph Swank has a couple of new columns out and they're both real barn-burners. The first one is entitled "Kerry And Team: Do You Want The Nation To Slide Into Hell's Pocket?"

Elect a national leadership that desecrates the sacred while endorsing outright evil and you will watch a nation slide into hell’s deep caverns.

Give Pastor Swank ten bucks and a directory to his local shopping mall and you will watch him slide right into the nearest Glamour Shots:

Joseph Grant Swank, lookin' good!

After a quick stop at Cinnabon, Joe tells us how awful the wrath of God is and says "serious students" would never want to experience it.

Yet if John F. Kerry and Company get into the executive suites, this nation will be governed by those championing outright sin. Under Bill Clinton’s rule, it was more personal sin than national acceptance of sin. Clinton trespassed against the eternal laws and paid the price. If his sins go unrepented, he will close out his earthly sojourn in hell’s canyons.

He's moving to LA?

But to elect Kerry is to elect an individual who has informed the country ahead of time that he has no spiritual respect for the Blessed Sacrament. He has no holy sensitivity regarding the divine revelation set forth in Scripture. His wife appears to be in his same league.

Wait, Joe...The last time Kerry mentioned "sensitivity," the Wing Nuts shrieked for days. Make up your mind already! How about I buy you an Orange Julius? I think it might calm you down a little.

Those of like ilk will move into every power play throughout the country. They will dance in the streets in celebration of evil sitting in positions of authority locally, statewide and nationally. They will lord it over everyone adhering to a biblical ethic. They will slide the country into maximum immorality — a cascading that will be utterly unrighteous.

I can't even mock that. It's one of the greatest, weirdest, most surreal paragraphs I've ever read.

Anyway, that column just didn't satisfy, evidently, and Swank was back the very next day with yet another similarly-themed piece. This one is called "Kerry Crucifies Christ Afresh, Being Capable Of Any Evil."

How can US Senator John F. Kerry feel the sacramental wafer touch his tongue, knowing that by receiving that sacred element, he is crucifying Christ afresh? The same must be stated regarding his wife.

Look, Joe, I don't really want to know about Teresa and what she's doing with John's tongue. I mean I like Kerry and all but that's just kind of gross, you know?

Moving away from John's tongue, Swank goes on to discuss Kerry's "reprobate soul" and then offers this gem:

Considering this hardness of heart, can there then be any deed too evil for John F. Kerry to champion if elected to the chief office of the land? Kerry would stoop to any low to see through his own opportunistic evils. That is not far fetched when realizing that for months the world has witnessed his total disregard for the Christ sacrifice upon the dreaded tree. Anyone who can so slay the Savior repeatedly can rationalize any sin as being proper.

Repeatedly slaying the Savior? Sounds more like Mel Gibson than John Kerry.

No wonder the Scriptures speak of an age when right is called wrong and wrong is defined as right. That is surely the description of the American scene in too many places. But for that to be the milieu approved by the president should cause the sincere believer to quake in horror.

As should this column.

God help us!

Especially if Holy Joe keeps publishing these rants!

Cleanse Your Palate

2004-09-15T01:05:00.000-07:00

After all the ugliness in today's other blog entry, I thought you might like a refreshing change of pace and so I'm directing your attention to a couple of delightful blogs that have nothing to do with Joe Swank.

(1) Regular reader and frequent commenter Sunnie has just started a fantastic new blog called Femme Fatal. Don't let the Fresno part fool you because Sunnie's really cool. Her latest hilarious offering is all about Focus on the Family and the joys of gay-bashing.

(2) Our second blog has one of the coolest names I've ever seen: The Infinite Stitch. Its owner, Dianna, claims the site is primarily about knitting. Thankfully, she appears to be lying because pretty much everything I see there is actually interesting. Be sure to check out her pieces about Jesus supporting tax cuts and the GOP pondering the effects of birth control.

Please go read.

God's Lack Of Faith In America

2004-09-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

Jack Kinsella, Hal Lindsey's lovable sidekick and Oracle in Training (OiT), is back and he has an exciting new column in which he tries to figure out why America doesn't show up in the Bible's description of the End Times.

In the Bible's Big Picture scenario for the last days, there are four spheres of world power; Gog-Magog, the Kings of the East, the Kings of the South and the antichrist's revived Roman Empire. But there is no mention of a fifth, overarching superpower resembling the United States of America.

Why does God hate America? He's nearly as bad as the Leftist media!

Nobody can dogmatically say what happened to remove the US from the Big Picture -- it simply isn't there.

A person other than Jack or Hal might come to conclusion that a lot of the stuff Bible prophecy teachers throw around "simply isn't there" but we'll leave that discussion for another time.

One possible reason might be the Rapture of the Church.

Another possible reason might be rabid monkeys flying fighter jets and blowing up Washington, DC. That's the fun of this type of conjecture...You can say pretty much anything.

In this view, the Lord returns for His Church. The instantaneous disappearance of millions of Americans, together with most of the Bush Cabinet, the military leadership and at least part of the House and Senate would cripple America beyond recognition. Therefore, America is absent from Scripture because the Rapture made her inconsequential.

Well, if the Rapture means that God's going to take away all the Republicans, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on the idea.

Jack Kinsella, furiously awaiting the Rapture
(You can tell he knows what he's talking about because of that degree on the wall behind him.)

Personally, this is my favorite explanation, but only because I prefer it, not because I have any Scriptural reason to believe it.

Translation: "I'm really just making stuff up."

Which naturally leads him to quote from another guy who enjoys making stuff up:

Quoting once more from Senator Miller's speech: "Now, while young Americans are dying in the sands of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan, our nation is being torn apart and made weaker because of the Democrat's manic obsession to bring down our Commander in Chief."

Zell Miller and the Bible...Two windows onto God's plan for America.

It is just as possible that America hands its future over to the liberals who bear the responsibility for its international reputation as a dishonest, thieving, immoral paper tiger that so much of world now believes deserves to be destroyed.

So if John Kerry becomes President, America will not play a major role in End Times events, which is what Jack says is in the Bibly anyway. That can only mean one thing:

God wants us to vote for John Kerry!

You heard the news here first, ladies and gentlemen! Kerry gets the coveted Divine Endorsement. Now if only he can get an endorsement from Ric Flair, he'll be sitting pretty.

An Ominous Reminder

2004-09-14T01:15:00.000-07:00

If you live in or near the San Francisco Bay Area, don't forget to come out to the DNA Lounge tonight (September 14th) for some Dark Window entertainment. As I mentioned last week, a couple of great bands will be performing, including Drop Black Sky. You may know Drop Black Sky's guitar player, Scott W., from his frequent (and lame) comments here.

Also playing will be the legendary Dark Wave band Black Tape For A Blue Girl. I saw them perform last evening at a little promo gig at Amoeba Records (this is their first tour since 1999) and you're not going to want to miss them; they sounded absolutely fantastic.

So if you'd like to hang out with some other liberal smart-ass Dark Window readers and enjoy some excellent and hauntingly beautiful music, come on out. The show starts at 9:15 at The DNA Lounge in San Francisco. Admission is $12 and it is, of course, 21+. As I mentioned before, the first Dark Window reader to show up gets a free Dark Window t-shirt! Wooooo!

Okay, come anyway because the music will be great and a fun time will be had by all.

Barack Obama: Dangerous Liar And Menace To Society

2004-09-13T01:15:00.000-07:00

So says Hans Zeiger, one of America's brightest young lights. He has cleverly entitled his new column Does Alan hold the Keyes to Illinois?

If ever there was a political contest with the necessity of a bold projection of reality, this is it. If the citizens of Illinois are given the chance to see the real Alan Keyes, and the real Barack Obama, this will be the second most important political race of 2004.

So if they aren't given that chance, then it won't matter, right?

Only the presidential race will more consequential to the future direction of America.

The third most important political race already happened, of course, and Hans unfortunately lost.

The reality about Barack Obama is not that he is the dream-bound, honest visionary. Nor is he the fair-minded moderate the media tagged him as after his keynote speech at the Democratic National Convention. He's not a Bill Cosby or a Colin Powell.

After reading that last sentence, I can think of a lot of things Hans Zeiger isn't, too.

The real Barack Obama is a socialist, and he has spent his entire political career at war against the foundations of American ordered liberty. Obama's record in the Illinois state Senate is consistent; my accusation in the previous sentence is backed by absolute and incontrovertible evidence.

Unfortunately, Hans is too busy to tell us what that "incontrovertible evidence" is. I'm guessing it mainly consists of the fact that Alan Keyes called him one.

While Obama is anti-war and anti-Second Amendment, radical environmental groups and left-wing social issues groups give him perfect voting-record scores.

So what does all this caring about our planet and poor people tell Hans?

Barack Obama is one of the most dangerous men in America.

If you see this man, dear readers, make sure you hide your children.

And so Illinois's Senate race is national this year. It is national in terms of the issues, the candidates, and the consequences.

It is national because the Republicans couldn't find a single candidate in the entire state of Illinois to run.

Pundits preface Keyes' name with "carpetbagger" at every chance they get, but his presence in the race is important for liberty-loving people from coast to coast, not just in the Land of Lincoln. That's in part because the Democrats have built Barack Obama into their national spokesman, and Obama must be countered with another man of national renown and the ability to counter his deceptive rhetoric.

Uh...Ric Flair?

That man being Keyes, we have one of the greater contests of our age in the works. Until Keyes opposed Obama, it was suggested that Obama was the most eloquent man in America. But Keyes makes Obama second place in that distinction.

The candidates are also both known for an excellent natural sense of rhythm and for being really good at basketball. Check back next time when Hans will explore these and other fine points.

Picking Some New Fights

2004-09-13T01:05:00.000-07:00

It's time for some overdue introductions here at the Dark Window and I'd like to direct your attention to the newest additions to our blogroll.

(1) In order to prove that there's more to Austin than hilarious captions and funny slogans, I'm adding the very cool Mouse Words to the list. Amanda, Ms. Mouse herself, shares my love of punk rock and chicks who leak blue fluid.

(2) Next up we have the Liberal Oasis. A lesser man than I might be too bitter to add it to his blogroll - especially if the only time he had been mentioned there had been under the name "Sadly, No." Okay, maybe that lesser man wouldn't be bitter because "Sadly, No" is actually the name of his website but it's not the name of mine and I...uh, sorry, got a little carried away, I guess. Anyway, all righteous indignation aside, the Liberal Oasis is a damn good website and an excellent source of up-to-the-minute information and analysis so make sure you check it out.

(3) Next, we have the blogosphere's latest foray into reality programming with a delightful blog called Corrente. This crazy experiment has six attractive young adults being forced to live together in one small blog and follows their madcap antics and ruminations about the modern political scene. You have all the standard reality series players, too: the country yokel (the farmer), the 24-hour party person (Xan), the jock (Lambert), the quiet scary guy (Tom), the not-so-ambiguously gay one (Tresy), and the hot chick (Leah). You can follow all their crazy adventures here.

(4) For our final addition, I'm selling out and linking to one of those giant blogs you always read about in places like the Wall Street Journal or Modern Underwear. I speak, of course, of the sinister TBogg. But when he's not trying to intimidate my readers in order to maintain his unaccountably large market share, he's actually pretty funny. And in spite of his brief entries (a true sign of intellectual laziness), he shares my love of Christian TV mogul Paul Crouch. So if nothing else, maybe you could stop by and antagonize him from time to time.

In addition to welcoming all these new blogs (and in spite of pathetic comments from marginally-famous writers claiming that we don't post frequently enough), we here at the Dark Window have been working on several crazy new schemes, including a future guest-blogging appearance by legendary World Net Daily columnist Vox Day. Trust me...You're not going to want to miss that one. We'll also be announcing some major new changes to the Dark Window very soon so don't go far.

Now please go say hi to all our new friends. And TBogg, too.

"Clinton A Big Loser Without Ross Perot"

2004-09-10T02:23:00.000-07:00

That's what Gordon Bishop is saying in his latest column. Never let it be said that the Wing Nuts aren't timely. But as long as you ignore the fact that he's about eight years behind everybody else, Gordon starts it off with something of a bang:

America never would have heard of Bill Clinton without billionaire Ross Perot running for the Presidency as an Independent in 1992 and 1996.

Well, as long as you overlook that fact that he was, you know, the Democratic nominee for President of the United States.

And America never would have heard of Ross Perot if it were not for CNN liberal talk show host Larry King. It was King who begged Perot to run for President several time on his then popular show.

Because before he went on Larry's show, Ross Perot was a shy, wilting flower who shunned any attempt at publicity.

King has since been replaced as the “King of TV Talk” by Fox News Channel superstar Bill O’Reilly. The Fox News Channel now represents the “real” folks of America – not CNN or the other liberal TV channels: ABC, CBS, NBC and their cable affiliates.

Wow. If Fox News represents the "real" America then perhaps I really am un-American!

America is no longer a Constitutional Republic governed by the people, for the people and of the people.

Is Gordon calling George W. Bush a dictator?

Just look at the way Clinton was elected.

By the laws and Constitution of the United States? Sounds pretty evil to me.

Clinton did not get the majority of votes in 1992 and 1996. Yet he still beat the senior George Bush in 1992 with a weak “minority” victory of 42.9 percent of the vote.

Gordon seems to be saying that Clinton was illegitimate because he had less than an absolute majority. Or maybe because a third party candidate siphoned off votes from the other guy.

Do you think he's ever heard of George W. Bush?

All this talk of Clinton's legitimacy is especially funny in light of one of Seb's most recent blog entries. Gordon seems to be really far behind in his Wing Nuttisms.

Same with Clinton Vs. Bob Dole. Perot pulled enough votes away from Dole for Clinton to win by barely 49 percent – less than half of the voting electorate.

Maybe I'm just dumber than a Wing Nut here but even without Ross Perot in the equation, it looks to me as if Clinton still would have gotten more votes than Bob Dole in 1996.

Perhaps it would be helpful if we added them up to see for ourselves.

Bill Clinton won the election with 47,402,357 popular votes - that's 49.24% of votes cast.

Bob Dole got 39,198,755 popular votes - 40.71%.

Ross Perot came in third with 8,085,402 popular votes - that's 8.40%.

Now I'm going to do a crazy thing here. I'm going to add up Bob Dole's popular votes and Ross Perot's popular votes to find out what the heck Gordon's talking about. Let's see here...5 goes into 2...carry the one...okay, got it. If you add all the votes Dole got with all the votes Perot got, you come up with 47,284,157 votes. Now glance up there and see how many votes Clinton got.

Hmmmmmm...

So when you think about it, Gordon, Larry King actually saved our country in 1996. Because at least some of those people who voted for Ross Perot (even if a relatively small percentage) would certainly have voted Democratic. Therefore, if Perot hadn't run, it is most probable that the evil Klinton would have gotten his absolute majority (and dreaded mandate).

For eight years, Clinton occupied the White House (turning it into a Whore House), with less than a majority vote.

We can only hope America has come to its senses and won't do the same with Bush. I think that's what Gordon's saying, anyway.

Clinton trashed the Democrat Party and rode to a hollow victory on President Ronald Reagan’s successful economic engine, which created the strongest economy of the 20th Century.

Without Reagan, there would be no “Clinton economy.” Reagan appointed Alan Greenspan as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and Clinton kept Greenspan to continue the Reagan economic legacy throughout the ‘90s.

Therefore any good thing that happened during Clinton's Presidency is directly attributable to Reagan (via Alan Greenspan) but anything bad is still, well, Clinton's fault.

Historically, Clinton will be known as the “false President” who wrecked the Democrat party with the wretched “scorched earth policy” of his wacky campaign manager, James Carville. “Scorched earth” meant the absolute destruction of the Republican Party.

I kind of like that...the "false President."

It didn’t work. Republican congressman and political genius Newt Gingrich took control of the House of Representatives with his “Contract With America.”

Today, thanks to Newt, the Republicans controlled Congress – and the White House.

But what about all those times Newt went on Larry King Live?

As for Clinton-Carville-Perot? – what a bunch of corrupt losers!

It's no wonder Gordon has his own column. That's some damn good analysis.

That’s what happened in the 1990s with the Clinton gang. But Americans won’t ever see these facts and analysis in the New York Times and the liberal mainstream media because they endorsed the Clinton presidency.

It's more likely that we won't see these "facts and analysis" in the New York Times because they aren't true.

The corrupt liberal-socialist-Marxist-Communists took over the Democrat Party under Clinton-Gore and now represented by Senator John Kerry, the man who calls himself both the “war hero” of Vietnam and the “war hero” of the “hero” of the anti-Vietnam War movement, a delusional liar loved by the terrorists and communists. Yes, they want to see Kerry as the next President of the United States.

You know, I'm pretty sure John Kerry has never called himself the "war hero" of the "hero" of the anti-Vietnam War movement. But then I get my news from treasonous sources like the New York Times so what do I know?

Kerry should run for President in France, Germany, Russia (the old Soviet Union) and other European socialist nations, where his socialist philosophy is welcomed.

Likewise, Gordon should write his columns on Mars where his ideas will be better understood.

America is a Constitutional Republic (“Rule of Law”).

Wait...Didn't Gordon just say America is no longer a Constitutional Republic? (He did. I just checked.) Flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop!

Democrats have destroyed the word “Democracy,” which is actually anarchy. The Democrat party’s “Democracy” leads to anarchy, which is “mob rule.”

So if they've destroyed the word "Democracy," which is actually anarchy, then they've actually created a stable government, which is really "mob rule." Hmmm. Gordon must be a lot smarter than I am because trying to understand his reasoning is giving me a headache.

The reason Bush is leading Kerry in double-digit numbers (51 to 53 percent compared to Kerry at 41-42 percent approval) is because of those who support Kerry – the socialist-communist anarchists led by psychotic filmmaker Michael Moore, a psychopathic group that hates America and everything that is American, including faith, religion and God.

Faith, religion, and God, eh? Wow...Democrats really are evil!

Kerry ought to pack up his gang of misfits and move to a socialist or communist country that is bent on destroying America, the land of liberty, freedom and opportunity.

Perhaps Gordon should start an advice column. It'd be a shame to let wisdom like that go to waste.

Congress and the President should kick the UN out of America and let its socialist-communist allies find a new location in France, Germany or Russia, al of which stole some $67 billion from the Iraq “Oil-to-Food” program establshed for Iraq’s starving masses.

Once the real Americans see what’s going on with the Democrat party, Kerry and the United Nations, then the USA can resurrect our great Constitutional Republic, free of the anarchistic cancer attacking our once functional society.

God Bless America!

You know, if this is God's idea of a good column, then I'm going to confess that I'm glad to be an agnostic.

Who Would Jesus Vote For?

2004-09-09T00:20:00.000-07:00

Alan Keyes!

Well, that's what Alan's saying anyway (Hooray for Alan!). And that's quite an endorsement, coming from the Savior of humankind and all.

Here's the latest news from NBC5 in Chicago:

Illinois Republican U.S. Senate candidate Alan Keyes injected religion into his race against Democratic candidate Barack Obama on Tuesday.

You don't say.

According to a list of quotes put out by the Democratic candidate, Keyes said in a radio interview at the Republican National Convention that Jesus would not vote for Obama.

Evidently Jesus and Principled Alan had been enjoying a Jamba Juice when the King of Kings turned to Alan and said, "You know, I'd never vote for that lying socialist bastard Osama or Obama or whatever the heck his name is."

The quote was part of a list Obama sent reporters of Keyes' accusations and epithets about him since Keyes became a candidate, NBC5 political editor Dick Kay said.

Kay also reported that Keyes called Obama a "socialist and a liar" on a cable access news show on Monday.

Cable access sounds about right, to tell you the truth.

Alan Keyes, God's Choice To Lead Illinois

Obama said he wants to win big to give Keyes a spanking because Keyes wages a scorched earth campaign. Keyes then went into a very long analysis of the word "spanking" and suggested it might be related to slavery and insulting to African- Americans. He would not answer when asked directly if he was insulted.

Frankly, I'm a little bit disturbed that Obama mentioned wanting to give Keyes a spanking, too, but for entirely different reasons.

Apparently, though, Principled Alan's statement was somewhat controversial and he explained thusly:

"Christ would not stand idly by while an infant child in that situation died," Keyes said. "And I'm not the only person, obviously, who thinks if you are a representative of me, I cannot vote for you if you would ignore the dignity and claims of that child's life. So, yes, I did respond quite logically -- you'll see it's quite logical, right -- with the conclusion that Christ would not vote for Barack Obama, because Barack Obama has voted to behave in a way that it is inconceivable for Christ to have behaved."

On the other hand, we can now say with a fair degree of certainty that Christ loves media-seeking opportunists who abandon any pretense of principles at the first sign of national attention.

Keyes, who will be greatly outspent, relies on free media in his campaign against Obama, Kay reported. As a result, he frequently calls news conferences to respond to responses. First, he criticizes Obama. When Obama responds, Keyes calls a news conference to respond, which is what he did on Tuesday.

That's what sets the Dark Window apart, ladies and gentlemen. We'll criticize Alan Keyes whether he responds or not.

In other related news, Mary Mostert, a regular contributor to Alan's website, heard about an interview Mr. Keyes gave at the Republican Convention and she was quite impressed. She just wrote a column that basically recaps a lengthy exchange between an interviewer and Alan Keyes at the Convention and says that what Keyes told the man should be "required reading in every sex education class in the country."

Mary Mostert, Sex Expert

Was Alan getting all steamy and erotic? You be the judge:

Alan Keyes: “No, the point of the matter is that marriage, as an institution, involves procreation. It is in principle impossible for homosexuals to procreate. Therefore, they cannot marry. It is a simple logical syllogism, and one can wish all one might, but pigs don’t fly and we can’t change the course of nature.”

Mike Signorile: "Well, one can wish that Bob and Liddy Dole would have a child, but that’s just impossible. Pigs can’t fly.

Alan Keyes: No, I’m sorry, that is incidental. In point of fact, Bob and Liddy Dole can have children. They incidentally face problems that prevent them from doing so. In principle..."

Viagra!

Mike Signorile: “Don’t homosexuals incidentally face problems too?”

Alan Keyes: “No, you don’t understand the difference between incident and essence.

Sounds like Alan's been watching Dr. Strangelove again. But instead of implying that he's insane, let's allow him to continue with his talk of essences and such:

Homosexuals are essentially incapable of procreation. They cannot mate. They are not made to do so.

Is Alan saying that homosexuals are "made?" Seems like quite an admission.

Therefore the idea of marriage for two such individuals is an absurdity.”

Mike Signorile: “But one or the other in the couple can procreate. The men can donate their sperm, the women can have babies.

Alan Keyes: “The definition and understanding of marriage is “the two become one flesh.” In the child, the two transcend their persons and unite together to become a new individual. That can only be done through procreation and conception. It cannot be done by homosexuals.

Mike Signorile: But what about a heterosexual couple who cannot bear children and then adopt? They are not becoming one as flesh, they are taking someone else’s flesh.

Alan Keyes: “And they are adopting the paradigm of family life. But the essence of that family life remains procreation. If we embrace homosexuality as a proper basis for marriage, we are saying that it is possible to have a marriage state that in principle excludes procreation and is based simply on the premise of selfish hedonism. This is unacceptable.”

Indeed! If we were to start allowing marriages based on love or shared responsibility, this nation would go straight to hell. If you're not getting married as a representation of the paradigm of family life then you're not really getting married, you stupid liberals!

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE]: Do you really believe that, that Mary Cheney . . .

Alan Keyes: “By definition, a homosexual engages in the exchange of mutual pleasure. I actually object to the notion that we call it sexual relations because it’s nothing of the kind.

Alan prefers to call it "hide the sausage."

[UNIDENTIFIED VOICE]: “What is it?”

Alan Keyes: “It is the mutual pursuit of pleasure through the stimulation of the organs intended for procreation, but it has nothing to do with sexuality because they are of the same sex. And with respect to them, the sexual difference does not exist. They are therefore not having sexual relations.

Well, hell...If they're not having sexual relations, what's all the danged fuss about? And since "stimulation of the organs intended for procreation" without actually procreating has nothing to do with sexuality, then why were all the Wing Nuts still so upset about Clinton?

Anyway, I'll let Mary Mostert have the last word:

Keyes’ sex education lesson to a confused homosexual ought to be required reading in every sex education class in the country. It might begin scaling back the flood of misery, disease and early death that await those who chose to get involved in homosexual and lesbian life styles.

As our dear friend Seb might say, "We can't add anything to that!" (by the way, WCAATT is apparently a registered trademark of, well, me!)

So make sure you vote with Jesus this November, dear readers! Don't forget that a vote for Obama is a vote for Satan. And while you're at it, stop looking at all that porn. You should be getting everything you need from Alan!

Embrace The Dark Side

2004-09-09T00:10:00.000-07:00

So my dear friend Scott W. called me this evening and berated me for not having a blog entry up on Wednesday. I tried to explain that Blogger was broken and that even big-time blogs like Jesus' General and Elementropy were unable to post entries.

"I don't care about that!" he shouted. "I'm a rock star!"

And so with those words still ringing in my ears, I would like to invite all of you living in or near the San Francisco Bay Area to come hang out with the Rock Star and me when his band, Drop Black Sky, performs this Tuesday night (September 14th) at the DNA Lounge in the City. He will once again be wearing the world's only Dark Window t-shirt to wow the crowd but we can mock him anyway.

Performing with Drop Black Sky is one of my all-time favorite bands, the legendary Black Tape For A Blue Girl. If you don't already know their dark and hauntingly beautiful music, then you're a loser and probably enjoy reading uncool blogs.

Anyway, I encourage all of you to eschew the Clear Channel garbage that's constantly assaulting our good senses and come out to support the underground music scene. This excellent show starts at 9:30 at The DNA Lounge in San Francisco. In a pathetic attempt to bring out the more ghoulish readers among you, I will buy the first person to show up the world's second Dark Window t-shirt or a drink - your choice (I'd recommend going with the drink).

So come hang out with your fellow Dark Window readers this Tuesday and enjoy the dark elegance emanating from the DNA Lounge.

Elysabeth, Black Tape for a Blue Girl

Master Lucom Mails It In

2004-09-07T01:38:00.000-07:00

The Dark Window's favorite Wing Nut has a new column out and it's a short one. Well, his portion of it is anyway. It seems that Wilson Lucom is mad about Cuba this week and wrote about 1/3 of a column comparing the wages there with the wages in the United States. After comparing average daily, weekly, and monthly wages between the two nations, he wrote:

The Cuban working person’s human rights are grossly violated, but no one talks about these violations.

One begins to wonder if Lucom's been living under a rock. Of course that might explain a lot.

It is time the world and its media started taking notice and talking about the huge differences to the working person between living under capitalism and living under socialism.

Ah, that's our Lucom, railing against the media for not dedicating the nightly newscasts to the benefits of capitalism.

Cuba is only 90 miles from the United States and could enjoy almost similar wages, but the egomaniac Castro, for his own self-aggrandizement, has kept 11 million Cuban people in virtual poverty for 30 years. He was not elected by popular vote;

Not elected by popular vote? Hmmmmm...

Fortunately, Lucom has a solution to the economic plight of the Cuban worker. A really good solution. Talking about Castro, he says:

he should now hold free elections with a socialist candidate (not Castro) and a capitalist candidate and let the people decide which system they wanted to work for and live under.

The Dark Window actually thinks that's a splendid idea. And as soon as Castro agrees to it, we're going to ask President Bush (also "not elected by popular vote") to hold free elections with a human being (not himself) and a dancing robot and let the people decide which system they wanted to work for and live under.

And I've got to be honest...we at the Dark Window are kind of leaning towards the dancing robot.

Wilson C. Lucom, A Man With A Plan

After his brilliant plan to save Cuba's economy, Lucom cuts out early and finishes his column by reprinting an article from Investor's Business Daily that he says "best sums up the comparison." And so the lion's share of Lucom's latest masterpiece, actually a column by W. Michael Cox, talks about the idea that because Cubans don't have good capitalist incentives (they have "perverse socialist incentives" instead), they unfortunately spend much of their time involved in things like becoming excellent singers, dancers, or musicians.

In short, they've become connoisseurs of leisure – and they've done it despite the fact that Cuba's state-run economy doesn't provide the kind of recreational cornucopia found in America.

There are no multiplex movie theaters, amusement parks or shopping malls. Cubans indulge in what's available – music, dance, art, sports and games, becoming quite good at them.

I'm certainly not here to defend Cuba's economy by any stretch of the imagination but I find it so fascinating that the things the Wing Nuts hold most dear are the giant corporate things we're supposed to spend money on. The official religion of the Right may tell them that we're just passing through this world but their unofficial one leads them to put so much of their effort into promoting the godliness of capitalism and short-term gratification through massive spending, corporate blitz marketing and advertising, and tremendous accumulation of wealth.

A rich variety of entertainment and activities compete for Americans' work time – movies, sports, concerts, television, video games, hobbies, shopping and so much more. Is there any wonder why few Americans have learned to sing, dance or strum a guitar as well as the Cubans?

Yeah, who needs the arts when you've got television, video games and shopping? Besides, the arts are just for liberals and Euro-sissies anyway.

Some Americans might regard singing and dancing through life as preferable to the workaday world of rush projects and bulging e-mailboxes.

Yes, but only traitorous anti-God wannabe Frenchmen. True patriots realize that the meaning of life is only found in consumption and non-stop work.

They should remember that Cubans endure harsh living standards, a trade-off few Americans would make for added free time.

Take that, you stupid Frenchies! Free time sucks! USA! USA! USA!

Now get out to the mall, you Wing Nuts, and praise Jesus and George W. Bush by spending some money!

Thus concludes another excellent Lucom column, this time with 66% less Lucom.

Elementropy, My Dear Sebly

2004-09-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

The Dark Window's new best friend, a certain Retardo, has written what may very well be our favorite blog entry of all-time. Not only are Seb and Amber Pawlik gleefully maligned, but we (okay, I) are finally captured in all our glory.

I'd been wondering about the identity of the rakishly handsome fellow with the copy of Pale Fire in his hand who dropped by while I was guest-blogging over at Seb's. Turns out he was the guy who wrote this:

Throughout the summer, I occasionally walked, as it were, across the street, like the good neighbour that I am, to knock on his door, offer some ~~poisoned~~ delicious fruitcake, and engage in witty repartee with his illustriousness as well as his vivacious girlfriend, with an aim of ~~a torrid menage a' trois~~ further enlightening myself, politically.

To no avail. Each time I rang, a shifty-eyed tweaker would peer through the blinds, and if I persisted in ringing, would eventually answer the door, only to gruffly send me on my way.

At last I had had enough of this ill treatment, and the next time I was in such a circumstance, demanded of this rude person the truth about my friend.

I said to him, "Do you mean, sir, that you have no knowledge of a Mr. Sebly F. No, who, I assure you, lived in this very house?"

And at last, perhaps jarred to attention by my persistence (he had seemed terribly distracted on all occasions), he seemed to focus, and replied, "Uhh wait, was he a great big fat person?"

Go and read.

"To All You Liberals Out There"

2004-09-03T01:34:00.000-07:00

Edward L. Daley has a message for you. And given last night's Convention speech, it's a very timely message, too. It's all about how George W. Bush actually demonstrated heroism in staying to read My Pet Goat after learning of the terrorist attack on the morning of September 11th.

Over the past few weeks, you folks have been trumpeting a charge directed at George W. Bush that he spent seven whole minutes continuing to read a story to a group of children on September 11, 2001, after he'd heard about that second plane crashing into the south tower of the World Trade Center.

Yep. Guilty.

Does it matter that, at the time, there was nothing he could have done about the attacks?

Are you insane, Ed?

Of course it doesn't. No, that swine Bush actually continued reading instead of leaping into action like Superman and single-handedly saving our nation from imminent peril! Why, he should have been impeached that second... right?

Ed is what we in the business call a "master of sarcasm."

Well guys and gals, it's time to slide down the big bright beam of light from that magical spacecraft you're on, back down to planet earth for just a moment. The mother ship will be waiting for you after I'm finished commenting, I promise.

While we're talking about space aliens, I want to show you the photo of Ed that accompanies his article at GOP USA:

Edward L. Daley

Supermarket tabloid artist's rendition of a Venusian sent to infiltrate humanity or ordinary Wing Nut columnist? You decide.

You see, as much as you may hate to admit it, President Bush wasn't derelict in his duty on that fateful day in September nearly three years ago. As a matter of fact, he was actually fulfilling his duty when those vicious terrorists attacked us, and his reaction upon hearing the initial news was to remain calm and await further information.

I'm kind of surprised the President didn't hit that very high point in his coronation speech last night. Just think how regal it would have sounded: "On that terrible morning, my first reaction was to remain calm and await further information, thus fulfilling my sacred duty."

He continued reading to those young people because there was no reason for him to immediately stop doing what he was there to do. Behaving like some panicky housewife with a mouse under her chair would have accomplished nothing except to frighten those kids unnecessarily, and rattle everyone else around him.

Sure thing, Ed. Finding out that the nation was under attack was certainly no cause for the President to stop reading My Pet Goat.

Now, you may not believe that visiting a school is a very important thing for the president to be doing in the first place, but I can think of a lot worse things he could have been up to at the time.

Right. Because mean-spirited and immoral Democrats the world over have been bashing the President for having the temerity to visit a school that morning.

Ed seems to have eaten red herring for lunch.

While we're discussing Ed's excellent grasp of important world events, we should probably take a moment to mention the fact that he owns and runs The Daley Times-Post, his very own news site. And it's not just a news site. No, it's also a misguided homage to the painfully funny Norbizness (see section entitled "Picture Fun").

But let's get back to Ed's column.

After all, he could have been cheating on his wife with some bubble-headed bimbo, but he wasn't. He could have been testifying before a court of law about a sexual harassment complaint lodged against him, and committing perjury, but he wasn't. He could have been embarrassing this country in any number of ways, but he wasn't. No, he was simply reading a story to some little kids, and he continued to do so even under tremendously difficult circumstances. That's called maintaining one's composure.

No, Ed. That's actually called being paralyzed by indecision. Nice try, though.

Hmmmm...Now that I think about it, it really wasn't that nice of a try.

Indeed, that may not matter to people like yourselves when you think about what makes a person presidential, but ask yourself this, is the way George Bush reacted in that classroom on 9/11 less or more presidential than saying that war crimes committed by U.S. soldiers in Vietnam were the rule and not the exception? That's what John Kerry did in 1971... and, just in case you didn't know it, that contention wasn't true.

You know, if you take that last sentence by itself, Ed's actually right.

At this point, Ed decides to regurgitate a story about the 1972 Olympics he heard Rudy Giuliani tell during his Convention speech on Monday night. If you're wondering what the hell that has to do with My Pet Goat, don't worry...Ed's about to explain.

But what's all this stuff about the Olympics got to do with what President Bush was doing on September 11 you ask? Well, nothing really, I just wanted to illustrate a point, which is that what you wish was the truth and what actually IS the truth are two different things.

When I was eight, my dad took me to see Nature Boy Ric Flair fight the Great Kabuki. What does that have to do with Ed's column, you ask? Well, nothing really, I just wanted to illustrate how moronic it is.

Tell me, can you see the difference between Kerry's version of certain events surrounding the Vietnam War and Giuliani's version of the terrorist events which took place during the Olympics in Germany?

Uh...One was about terrorism at the Olympics and the other was about Vietnam?

Here's a clue, one version was fiction and one was R-E-A-L-I-T-Y.

Damn. I always miss those.

Be that as it may, I hope you are now able to appreciate that some of the things you've been told are true, really aren't, and that other things you don't believe, are true no matter how much you may wish they weren't... like the fact that George Bush reacted exactly as he should have on 9/11, with calmness and equanimity.

The new Republican Platform, ladies and gentlemen, and you heard it here first. If the nation is attacked by terrorists again, they promise to remain calm, maybe catch up on their reading, and await further information.

Now, I don't want to detain you any longer, I know you have a long trip ahead of you back to whatever fantasy world you're currently living on. Just do me one little favor before you go. The next time you decide to come back and visit us earthlings, try to keep what I've written above in mind... especially if you intend to vote here.

You know what, Ed? I think I may just do that.

I thank you for your time, and don't forget to say hi to Michael Moore for me.

Sure. Right after I finish reading My Pet Goat. Not only is it a good story...It's also the right thing to do.

It's A Grand Slam!

2004-09-02T01:25:00.000-07:00

That's what our old friend Debbie Daniel thinks of the Republican Convention so far. And especially that dreamy Rudy Giuliani. She has an orgasmic new column up at GOP USA that's all about how Rudy got the blood rushing to different parts of her body. As you might expect, it starts with something of a bang.

Giuliani knocked it out of the park! It's going . . . going . . . GONE! That ball was out of there!

I don't know when I've been so exhilarated. I needed to sit down and be quiet for at least five minutes just to catch my breath.

Sounds like a lot of prancing has been going on in the Daniel household during the Republican Convention so far. And, uh, some other stuff, too:

If Rudy Giuliani didn't get the blood rushing through your veins . . . you better check into the local morgue. As I sat and watched the Republican National Convention, I was rocking so fast in my chair, I didn't think I could get the rocker to stop when the speech ended. I was like a race horse needing one more lap around the track to slow my heart rate down, or I would surely die.

You know, I'll bet Seb's wife would really like to get her hands on a copy of Rudy's speech, too.

Debbie Daniel: If her chair's rockin', don't come knockin'.

I know I saw the spirit of Winston Churchill move across that great auditorium at Madison Square Gardens waving his "V" signs for Victory. And right behind him was the great Ronald Reagan with his signature "thumbs up" . . . Oh, what a presence of greatness emanating to every ear that could hear and to every eye that could see the former Mayor of New York hit a homerun for George W. Bush!

Debbie saw the giant ghost of a dead British Prime Minister being followed around by Ronald Reagan giving him a "thumbs up." That can only mean one thing...

Rush is trying to unload his inventory!

I just never knew he could hit so well. His finesse, his grace, his tone, his charm, his laughter, his self-deprecation . . . he brought it all home.

Oh, yeah, baby! Bring it home!

But don't think Rudy's the only part of the convention that's been getting Debbie off so far.

It was wonderful to watch the "Great White Shark" - Michael Moore - have his "in your face" presence at the Republican National Convention spurned for everyone to see. Oh, what a feeling! It did my heart good!

Yes, ladies...Watching Michael Moore get booed is even more fun than the Hitachi Magic Wand!

If you want to see the character of the candidate, look at the character of the protesters. Those are the 1971 John Kerrys out there on the streets of New York - that's who he was and that's who he still is.

We're already hearing of protesters punching people in the face and accosting them with foul language. Is it any wonder we call them the party of DONKEYS?

Anarchists, Democrats...All pretty much the same thing.

Well, the one thing that makes me proud to be a conservative is that we don't have to march up and down the streets screaming obscenities, taking off our clothes, physically assaulting people, or barricading hotel entrances to make our voices heard.

Well, we can at least be thankful that Debbie isn't taking off her clothes.

That's what the ballot box is for. We know first hand from the last national election that they didn't know what a ballot box was; they certainly didn't know how to use one. Republicans don't leave "chads" hanging . . . they are very clear about their choice.

Republicans? Choice? I think maybe Debbie's watching the wrong convention.

Isn't it strange that the protesters were put in cages at the Democrat Convention, but the protesters at this Republican Convention are allowed to spit, taunt, jeer, punch people in the head, and given the freedom to stand stark naked like idiots in the middle of Manhattan to show how peaceful they are? What a stark contrast!

Somebody's definitely "stark" here but I think I might choose to end that phrase with "raving mad."

Doesn't anyone see this picture? John Kerry can stifle the free speech at his convention, but George Bush lets you march right up to the front door.

Maybe people who are really really high see that picture, Debbie. I doubt anybody else does, though.

You might want to re-think who's looking out for your freedom.

I hear music in the air!

And voices in your head!

I don't even want to think about what must have happened when Debbie watched Zell Miller's speech.

Zell Miller Puts On His Happy Face

2004-09-02T01:19:00.000-07:00

If you want to see what's really going to light Debbie Daniel's fire, head over to Corrente to see the true face of Zombie Zell Miller.

Frozen Tundra

2004-09-01T00:20:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Frozen Tundra. She's one of the red-hot columnists over at Bush Country. Her real name is Cynthia A. Guenthner but she prefers to be called Frozen Tundra.

Frozen Tundra derives her name in honor of her state's beloved football team, the Green Bay Packers.

Right.

Is it just me or is Frozen Tundra the greatest name for a female Wing Nut ever?

Frozen Tundra

You might be wondering just what kind of previous writing experience Frozen Tundra brought to the table to land such a prestigious job at Bush Country. Well, wonder no longer, my friends.

She is a serious student of country music history and an avid NASCAR fan. She was so personally affected by the tragedy at the 2001 Daytona 500 that she wrote the Christmas poem, "Santa and the Black Number 3," which was published in Beckett Racing Collectibles magazine and posted on the highly-acclaimed intmd8or.com website. The poignant tribute stirred the emotions of Dale Earnhardt fans across the nation and was well received.

But never let it be said that Frozen Tundra is a one-trick pony. No, there are apparently many tricks in that stable. Well, at least one other:

She has also been a contributor to The Badger CommonTater, the official trade magazine of the Wisconsin Potato and Vegetable Growers Association.

Of course that was then and this is now. Can Frozen Tundra make it in the Big Leagues? Let's hope so. Her latest column at Bush Country is entitled Stereotyping - Two Can Play The Game.

Strolling leisurely around my small community, I couldn’t help but take note of the unusually large number of political yard signs (mostly for Democratic candidates) so early in the campaign season. What concerns me is that although my county is considered a “swing” district, President Bush won here in 2000. So where are all the Bush/Cheney and other Republican signs?

Hmmmm...Very interesting...Sounds like a job for...Frozen Tundra!

I’ve often accused liberals of resorting to stereotypes in describing conservative Republicans: e. g., They inaccurately accuse us of being “rich” and “insensitive to the poor and downtrodden”. Well, we can play their game too, and probably end up with far more accurate assumptions.

That's right! And her assumptions are far more original, too. Because it's actually the Democrats who are "rich" and "insensitive to the poor and downtrodden."

Think I'm joking? Keep reading.

From my observing the Kerry/Edwards and other Democratic candidates’ signs (and bumper stickers), I decided the bearers share some common characteristics:

Well, at least investigative journalism is not dead.

1. Most of the homes located on the Dem. sign-filled lots are relatively prosperous-appearing (at least as far as this rural community is concerned). Boats, snowmobiles, and multiple other newer-model vehicles (among them Cadillacs and sporty ‘vettes) grace the paved driveways meandering through well-groomed lawns. Surely these homeowners can’t claim the “economy” is the reason they support the Democrats. Seems they “ain’t done so bad” under the Bush administration.

Paved driveways and mown lawns? Just who are these modern-day Rockefellers?

2. Most Democrats are present or retired public employees—law enforcement officers, firefighters, postal workers, educators, social workers, or public defenders. It’s no surprise that public school teachers back the Democrats, considering all the left-wing propaganda the National Education Association pounds into their supposedly academic heads. And public defenders see one of their own (albeit another class of shrewd attorneys) in Edwards. But what goes with the firefighters or police officers? Do these folks truly believe that the Democrats will grant them a safer, more law-abiding society?

Yes.

3. Pedestrians beware in the vicinity of these Democratic residences. Dogs running at large and, during the lengthy Wisconsin winters, icy and snow-covered sidewalks, are just a few of the dangers greeting those who approach these dwellings—ironically, even those of law enforcement officers. But then again, I suppose it’s the “state’s duty” (socialist philosophy at work) to take care of such responsibilities as clearing sidewalks and restraining dogs. My personal stereotypical conclusion: Democrats are not only inconsiderate—they’re lazy as well.

That paragraph may have sounded dumb but it's kind of hard to argue with a CommonTater of Frozen Tundra's stature.

Following Labor Day, I expect the political signs to become more commonplace, if not ubiquitous. I’ll have to see if this pattern of stereotypes continues and maybe give another report just prior to the election. But until then, I can only hope that the multitude of Democratic signs are simply an expression of their desperation, and that there’s a “silent majority” of Republicans waiting for the right moment to proudly put up their own.

But since the Republicans are all poor and never mow their lawns, it's probably going to be kind of hard to see them.

And please, dear readers, maybe you could try a little harder to keep your dog tied up, your boat parked out back, your sporty 'vette in the garage where it belongs, and your lawn filled with weeds. We wouldn't want the Wing Nuts to think we're elitists.

Wing Nut Fashion You Won't See At The RNC

2004-08-31T00:10:00.000-07:00

In honor of the Republican Convention, we're going to take a look at some of the very latest in Wing Nut fashion. Of course given the moderate face the Republicans are putting on for the world this week, you probably won't see these fine shirts on any of the delegates but rest assured that the most stylish Wing Nuts back in the provinces will be wearing them proudly.

Our friends at Christian Outfitters have just come out with their new fall line and are currently showcasing the hot new designs shown below. As a tribute to all those conservative members of the Republican Party who were asked to stay home this week, the Dark Window would like to offer the following ultra-mod t-shirts:

I just have to get out of this paper bag somehow first. A little help, please?

Know Jesus and get a metal toy jammed into your forehead.

One of the reasons Jesus' little-known plumbing business folded and he went into carpentry.

Wear this shirt to show the world that you're just as smart as your lord.

Because with the high price of all these crappy t-shirts, I can't afford Him anymore on my regular salary.

Finally...A shirt for Mary Kay Letourneau!

Tonight on Fox: Jesus steals a white pickup truck and leads the LAPD on an action-packed high-speed chase. After crashing into a parked car in North Hollywood, he flees on foot before finally being apprehended. Due to extensive bleeping and blurring, parental discretion is advised.

And finally, the folks at Christian Outfitters are pleased to offer an exciting new item...a clock! In their words, "Unique 12" X 12" wall clocks from Christian Outfitters are perfect for any decor." I think this photo will attest to that:

1 Cross. 3 Nails. 4 Given. 2 Ridiculous for words.

God bless America.

Wing Nut Bonus

2004-08-31T00:05:00.000-07:00

If you enjoy a good laugh at the expense of the Right Wing fringe, I would like to introduce you to a fun site called WAR CHEERLEADERS, LAPTOP WARRIORS & other EVERYDAY LOONS. In spite of the fact that it refers to Sadly, No! as "mighty," there's a lot of great stuff there. Check it out.

Sept. 11 Is Coming Early This Year

2004-08-30T00:25:00.000-07:00

The big Republican Convention starts tonight and it's time for a special Dark Window preview. We start with a New York Times report entitled The G.O.P. Arrives, Putting Sept. 11 Into August.

Republican leaders said yesterday that they would repeatedly remind the nation of the Sept. 11 attacks as their convention opens in New York City today, beginning a week in which the party seeks to pivot to the center and seize on street demonstrations to portray Democrats as extremist.

Party aides said the convention would begin with an elaborate tribute to Sept. 11 victims, with speeches by Senator John McCain and former Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, reminding voters of Mr. Bush's role in leading the nation after the attacks, which took place a couple of miles from Madison Square Garden, home of the convention.

The festivities will include John McCain reading some favorite passages from My Pet Goat and Rudy Giuliani hopping from one part of the stage to another to demonstrate how Mr. Bush so skillfully evaded the terrorists that day.

There's even talk that Zell Miller will hide behind the podium during his keynote address to remind voters of Dick Cheney's role after the attacks. It is election time, though, and our foul-mouthed Vice President has apparently left his bunker:

Indeed, the Sept. 11 invocations began even before the convention opened, leaving little doubt of the prominent role the attack on New York will play at the first Republican convention ever held in this city. At a rally yesterday afternoon on Ellis Island, Vice President Dick Cheney recalled the president's visit to ground zero three days after the attack.

"They saw a man calm in crisis, comfortable with responsibility and determined to do everything to protect our people," he said.

Well, I should certainly hope that he was calm and comfortable. After all, he'd just returned from this well-deserved vacation:

Six months after taking office, President Bush will begin a month-long vacation Saturday that is significantly longer than the average American's annual getaway. If Bush returns as scheduled on Labor Day, he'll tie the modern record for presidential absence from the White House, held by Richard Nixon at 30 days. Ronald Reagan took trips as long as 28 days.

Not to imply that he wasn't doing his job, of course.

In an otherwise dry day of hearings before the 9/11 commission, one brief bit of dialogue set off a sudden flash of clarity on the basic question of how our government let disaster happen.

The revelation came this morning, when CIA Director George Tenet was on the stand. Timothy Roemer, a former Democratic congressman, asked him when he first found out about the report from the FBI's Minnesota field office that Zacarias Moussaoui, an Islamic jihadist, had been taking lessons on how to fly a 747. Tenet replied that he was briefed about the case on Aug. 23 or 24, 2001.

Roemer then asked Tenet if he mentioned Moussaoui to President Bush at one of their frequent morning briefings. Tenet replied, "I was not in briefings at this time." Bush, he noted, "was on vacation." He added that he didn't see the president at all in August 2001. During the entire month, Bush was at his ranch in Texas. "You never talked with him?" Roemer asked. "No," Tenet replied. By the way, for much of August, Tenet too was, as he put it, "on leave."

But back to our story.

At the same time, responding to the sight of New York streets packed with protesters yesterday, Republican officials sought to connect the demonstrations to Democrats as part of a broader effort to paint Senator John Kerry as out of the mainstream. The Republican Party chairman, Ed Gillespie, noted to reporters that the legion of protesters included Peggy Kerry, Mr. Kerry's sister, who lives in New York and attended an abortion rights rally.

And Mr. Bush's campaign communications director, Nicolle Devenish, said in an interview: "Those who support the president are inside the Garden. Those who are opposed to the president's policies are protesting outside the Garden."

That brilliant analysis calls to mind a quote from our beloved President himself during the last election:

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!"

Of course he was smart enough to realize that his statement wasn't as profound as he'd intended it to be and immediately offered this clarification:

"If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything!"

Anyway, Bush must be happy that he found a communications director who can so faithfully articulate his own ideas.

The developments came on the eve of what party officials saw as a potentially tumultuous and politically complicated week. Mr. Bush seeks to accomplish a critical political goal - broadening his appeal to the center - against the backdrop of the biggest demonstrations in New York in 22 years and charges by some Democrats that he is trying to turn the tragedy of Sept. 11 to his political advantage.

Who? This guy?

Next, we head over to the Washington Post.

The GOP convention begins just 64 days before the election, and presents Bush with his best chance to dispel doubts about the war in Iraq and slow job growth at home, which have combined to put the president in unexpected difficulty. He acknowledged his electoral focus in an interview with Time published Sunday. Asked whether the war on terrorism would be decades-long, Bush quipped, "I'm a two-month man right now."

A lot of us have our fingers crossed about that one, Mr. President.

Bush also acknowledged in the interview that the administration did not anticipate the nature of the resistance in Iraq, and he said that was his greatest mistake in office. "Had we had to do it over again," he said, "we would look at the consequences of catastrophic success, being so successful so fast that an enemy that should have surrendered or been done in escaped and lived to fight another day."

Boy, talk about a flip-flop:

"But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."
- President Bush, Interview with the Associated Press, Jan. 18, 2001

So get ready for fun times over the next few days, dear readers, because just like Christmas in July, September 11th is coming early this year!

A Message From The Good Uncle

2004-08-30T00:10:00.000-07:00

A certain friend of the Dark Window seems to have had himself quite a nice weekend. We're not saying anything more than that.

God, Prophecy, And How The Terrorists Hit Us Where It Really Hurts (Our National Groin)

2004-08-27T03:37:00.000-07:00

Over the past several weeks, the good folks at World Net Daily have been constantly hyping a book by Michael D. Evans about America's role in Bible prophecy. Today they went a little further and linked to an interview with the author himself.

As you'd expect from a World Net Daily link, it's a good one.

Just try to keep one thing in mind as you read it...While this guy may seem like a fringe crackpot, he's a fringe crackpot with a great deal of influence. His book is currently at #10 on the New York Times bestseller list.

Michael D. Evans is an evangelist, writer, and founder of the Jerusalem Prayer Team, whose mission is "to guard, defend and protect the Jewish people...until the redeemer comes to Zion." Among its supporters are televangelist Pat Robertson, and Tim LaHaye, author of the best-selling "Left Behind" novels.

Given that Michael's mission is to guard the poor Jews until Jesus gets a chance to convert them, is it any surprise that Pat and Tim are here too?

Two weeks ago, Evans published a book, The American Prophecies: Ancient Scriptures Reveal Our Nation's Future, in which he theorizes that biblical prophets predicted America is doomed unless it stops accommodating the Arab world in exchange for its oil. He believes Americans are risking God's wrath by not supporting what he believes is God's biblical mandate that Israel have full control of the West Bank and Gaza. Evans also theorizes that many of America's problems--including September 11--are evidence of God's fury that America doesn't fully support Israel.

I certainly can't find any flaws in that analysis so let's get right to the questions.

Why do you say that America’s story is contained within biblical prophecies?

Michael begins his response to this question by talking about Ishmael, Isaac, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. But then he unleashes something of a surprise.

On Sept. 23, 1979, the founder of Israeli intelligence over dinner told me that America was developing a tolerance for terror. The gentleman’s name was Isser Harel, the founder of Mossad Israeli intelligence—he ran it from 1947 to 1963. He told me that America had developed an alliance between two countries, Israel and Saudi Arabia, and that the alliance with Saudi Arabia was dangerous and would develop a tolerance for terror among Americans. He said if the tolerance continued that Islamic fundamentalists would ultimately strike America. I said “Where?” He said, “In Islamic theology, the phallic symbol is very important. Your biggest phallic symbol is New York City and your tallest building will be the phallic symbol they will hit.” Isser Harel prophesied that the tallest building in New York would be the first building hit by Islamic fundamentalists 21 years ago.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Bible tells us that terrorists attacked the World Trade Center because it looked like a really big penis.

So extrapolating from the scenarios of the Bible, what do you believe is our nation’s future, based on prophecy?

The story of prophecy that has to do with the Jews goes all the way through to the end of the Book of Revelation. Jesus prophesied in Matthew 24. The disciples said, “What shall be the signs of the coming of the ends of the age?” And he said, “The first sign would be deception.” Now, there’s never been greater deception then what happened on September 11, 2001. In the 1990s, New Age relativism redefined a terrorist as just an “extremist.” Bill Clinton and his moral relativism wanted [a Middle East peace agreement] because he was trying to get a postage stamp of himself over Monica’s face. By doing that, he sent a signal to the Islamic fundamentalist world that was already in a rage, that America would embrace terrorism.

Michael's really a brilliant man. How could we have missed such an obvious connection between blowjobs and terrorism for all these years? The only thing I can figure is because we took the Bible out of so many public places. If only we'd listened to Judge Roy (Rob) Moore when we had the chance!

What does your theory mean for the coming presidential election?

Number one, we’re in a horrendous battle between darkness and light. We began with a distraction of our moral principles We saw it through the 1960s and the 1970s. We saw it through abortion and prayer in school and all these other issues. We saw it in the White House through Clinton. Then we saw that it translated into our foreign policy--not just our domestic policy. It spread like the Ebola virus.

Any question which candidate is darkness and which one's light? Hey, people, don't look at me like that...It's in the freakin' Bible, for God's sake!

And now we realize that the holy grail of understanding is that 9/11 was the most apocalyptic day in American history. And we woke up from our innocence to realize that we cannot put our heads in the sand any longer. We’ve got to stand up to the New Agers who believe that a terrorist is not a terrorist.

Wow. So the New Agers are behind the terrorist attacks too. Who knew? Oh, right. God and Michael did.

I want to get back to the presidential election. You support President Bush. What happens if Kerry wins?

If Kerry wins, we get Clinton all over again because Kerry has already brought in most of Clinton’s holdovers. We’ll get New Age liberals who will have the same Middle East policies that Clinton had, which is no Middle East policy. We’ll go back to more peace conferences, we’ll go back to getting the Jews to give up more land, putting more pressure on Israel. It will be the liberal, New Age, kumbaya mantra that will wreck this country.

Nothing more ungodly than a damn peace conference.

But in a prophetic sense what does that mean?

We’ll get two Sauls in a row. King Saul was rejected by God. We’ll have gone from a Clinton Saul to a Kerry Saul.

You know, I was going to make a joke about getting two Wing Nuts in a row but then I realized that Michael's in a very special class all by himself.

Do you envision an apocalyptic scenario as a result?

I think it will open the floodgates for more terror. Because the only things terrorists understand is power. This is a battle between two books, two kingdoms and two spirits.

And two really giant penises. Don't forget that one.

But how does it help them if Kerry is elected?

Kerry is going to be a New Ager. He’s going to be a One World boy. He’s going to unify France and Germany and a lot of the countries that the Saudis kiss up to. So the Saudis are going to feel like, “Happy days are here again,”--like they were under Bill Clinton. George Bush believes that a war is going on, and that the Saudis are helping fund it. Kerry doesn’t feel that way. Kerry is going to be kinder and gentler to the Saudis, and he’ll talk to them. Bush will probably continue fighting the war on terrorism, whereas Kerry will try to find a way of redefining the war on terrorism as good terrorists vs. bad terrorists or good terrorist states vs. bad terrorist states.

What on earth could I possibly say to that?

Have a great weekend, everybody! And please keep your pants on...We don't want to provoke the terrorists!

Update: S.Z. reminds me that Bartholomew previewed Michael Evans' book last month. Make sure you check out his excellent piece in which we learn that God Himself may have killed F.D.R.

An Unexpected Trip To Germany And Three Loonies At Home

2004-08-26T02:30:00.000-07:00

As you may already have heard, Seb over at Sadly, No! had to leave his secret German bunker unexpectedly to return to Canada for a funeral. To try to help out, I've posted my main entry for today over at his blog. It explores an entirely different kind of t-shirt than the ones we usually make fun of here at the Dark Window and I invite you to go have a look.

But first, since we're bi-continental (i.e. France worshippers) here at the Dark Window, we're also bringing you three very special Wing Nuts we found right here in the good old U.S. of A.

Wing Nut #1 is a happy fellow named Gary Schneider who's written a new column about the tyranny of gay marriage. He starts off with this heart-warming story:

Years ago, during my days in college I was told a true story of a young man in his late teens who was attending party with his girlfriend of some years.

Notice that Gary wasn't there himself. As you read the rest of his piece, you may start to understand why he doesn't spend a lot of time at parties. I happen to think it's because nobody wants to invite him.

Typical of most parties with alcohol, loud music and dancing, the two drifted throughout the scene becoming engaged in separate activities that night, throwing each other those periodic glances that couples do to check up on the other. As the hours passed the young man seemed to disappear from sight, prompting a search of the party premises by his concerned better half.

How do you "seem to disappear from sight?"

She scanned the halls and rooms of the house only to discover a closed door behind which were the sounds of some unknown activity. Curious, she opened the door to a darkened room that was lit only by the moons of two unsuspecting souls. One of the moons was very familiar to her, the other was not.

Uh...I don't really even know what that means. Gary seems to have some strange ideas about what transpires behind all those closed doors in life.

Her boyfriend, recognizing the glaring silhouette in the doorway, promptly arose in all his glory and desperately protested: “Its not what you think!”...But alas it was. It is my understanding that this is the tireless mantra he maintains to this day. Apparently for some, hope remains eternal that disobliging truth, no matter how obviously exposed, can be successfully denied or sufficiently obfuscated if done so with unscrupulous persistence. This young man was surely a Liberal.

Yes, surely.

Gary goes on to talk about evil Senator Christopher Dodd and how he's just like that moonish young man because he opposes the Federal Marriage Amendment. The column then ends with a reminder of the tyranny we now face.

When objectively considering the multitude of legal actions being progressed by the gay lobby and their allies (read ACLU, etc.) that persistently seek to undermine the will of the people and subjugate the rights of others in the name of “tolerance” or civil rights, one can only come to the conclusion that we are a nation and a people on the precipice of tyranny.

This is undoubtedly true. None of us will truly be free if gays are allowed to marry one another. Thank heavens Gary's willing to stand up for the little people.

Next up we have Wing Nut #2, Nancy Salvato. She's written a warm bit of nostalgia entitled Back To School Blues. In this dreamy look back at the glory days of yesteryear, Nancy tells us how sad she is that our schools have become nothing more than factories to produce little socialists.

As a child of the 70’s, I used to love back to school shopping. My mom and I would go to the mall for two or three new outfits, school shoes and gym shoes. We’d then go to Turn Style or Venture to buy the essential pens and pencils, ruler, notebook paper and any other necessities for that grade. Those days are gone.

As a child of the 70's myself, I used to love Evel Knievel. I would drape a bath towel around my neck to make a cape and do crazy stunts in the backyard. Unfortunately, those days are also gone.

Mainly because I no longer have a backyard.

For many kids, there is shock and disappointment when their new teacher collects all of the handpicked supplies and puts them into a group box to be shared. For others, the PTA purchases the school supplies in bulk and each child is issued the same materials. Where is the excitement in that?

Yes, whatever happened to that sense of capitalistic triumph when little Susie could stand up during class and shout, "All mine! This Trapper Keeper is my handpicked supply alone!"

Kids don’t buy clothes for “school” and clothes for “after school” anymore. Dress codes are ignored or the schools have opted for uniforms to deal with the inappropriate attire. The special time that occurs between a parent and a child during the “rites of passage” hasn’t been factored into the equation and the element of fun in picking out the school supplies has been eliminated.

Wait, wouldn't school uniforms mean that kids still have clothes for "school" and clothes for "after school?" And if Nancy's so dead set on her kids changing clothes all the time, why doesn't she just buy them extra outfits?

Because then she couldn't write her loony columns, I guess.

Finally, we are visited by Wing Nut #3, our old friend Jan Ireland. You may remember Jan from last week when she complained about Teresa Heinz Kerry being an imperious bitch. Today Jan's mad because the stupid liberals are calling Alan Keyes a "carpetbagger." In fact, she got mad enough to prove that this whole idea is absolute nonsense.

Obama’s supporters are already shouting “carpetbagger” because Keyes currently lives in Maryland. But that’s a charge that just won’t stick.

The “carepetbagger” label comes from Keyes’s criticism of Hillary Clinton, who in 2000 chose New York for her Senate run – a place she had never lived, and in which she had shown little interest.

Unlike Principled Alan who grew up in Illinois and has spent years working tirelessly to find solutions to its unique problems. Except that he didn't and hasn't, of course.

Keyes told Fox News then, “I deeply resent the destruction of federalism represented by Hillary Clinton’s willingness to go into a state she doesn’t even live in and pretend to represent people there, so I certainly wouldn’t imitate it.”

Just wait until you see how Jan gets around this one.

Keyes recognized Mrs. Clinton’s crass desire for a power base for future campaigns. She stepped on other candidates, who had been waiting nicely in the Democrat line, for her own political plans. But Alan Keyes has done nothing like that.

Because Alan Keyes is a lovely Christian man who only wants to do good and Hillary is an evil bitch, it can't be carpetbagging, right?

Keyes and his family were approached by the people of Illinois. On abortion, Obama is even more liberal than the two current Johns running for president on the Democrat ticket. Jill Stanek, new columnist for World Net Daily, covered the Keyes speech for the Illinois Leader (See “Obama’s Waterloo – Live Aborted Babies?”).

Keyes explained, “What finally caught my eye, however, what finally arrested my attention and forced me to consider whether I not only have the opportunity to oppose [Obama], but the obligation, was when I learned that he had actually, in April 2002, apparently cast a vote that would continue to allow live birth abortions in the State of Illinois.”

In other words, Keyes isn't a hypocrite because he believes the same things as Jan does.

Please tune in again tomorrow when we'll do pretty much the same thing we do every day here at the Dark Window...make fun of people.

But then really, what else would you expect from a liberal?

"Vote For George W. Bush, Here's Why"

2004-08-25T00:20:00.000-07:00

That's the exciting title of Bob Pratt's brilliant new column over at Bush Country. So fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen, because he's about to take us on a wild ride.

Comprehend these facts if you want to advantageously debate misguided persons before election time, not that it matters in Indiana (my home State) in light of the fact that our state is a shoe-in for electoral votes reinstating W. BUSH in the White House!!!...The right thing to do.... You know !!, the man who has been fighting terrorism in the real world, not lobbing a missile at the desert of some country in a feeble effort to authenticate a reprisal as did the very phony person at the helm in the 90s, Unslick willie klinton. “kLINTON IS THE ONLY MAN IN HISTORY THAT HAS THE DISTINCTION OF DESPOILING AMERICA FOR ALL TIME TO COME” and the silly charges he was tried on were a diversion from his many real crimes, one being the selling of our miniaturization of nuclear missile components to the PRC, China, and multiple murder in Arkansas and Washington DC.

Both the PRC and China, eh? Unslick willie klinton sure does sound like a bad dude. But really, when you think about it, selling multiple murder in Arkansas is probably a pretty good line to get into.

Anyway, I tried to follow Bob's advice and "comprehend these facts" but I have no idea what the heck he's talking about so far. And just between you and me, I have a suspicion that he doesn't know either.

No, you must give much, much credit to GEORGE W. BUSH for his leadership in accomplishing what he did and all that with a crippled CIA and FBI for almost a decade, crippled by clinton's politically correct agenda.

Mr. Pratt appears to be a master of creative capitalization. First it was kLINTON and now it's clinton. I'm happy to learn that the avant garde is so appreciated over at Bush Country. I'll bet they even let Bob wear a beret on Fridays!

I thought that algore was the worst person ever to be a candidate for president, but I didn't know how far down the Dems would have to reach to get to the bottom of the proverbial barrel muck, when the “DEMOCRAT PARTY ENDORSED JOHN KERRY”. To me this is the “Comedy of Eros” and electing this weird person to be President is the most unthinkable concept ever presented and I am just about sure it cannot be done.

And I am just about sure this column cannot be deciphered. But I will say this: When Bob starts talking about erotic comedy, I get nervous.

Really nervous.

Now some more facts:...There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq during the month of January... In the city of Detroit here were 35 murders in January alone. One city, about as deadly as the war torn country of Iraq.

Is it any coincidence that Detroit and Iraq both have a lot of Arabs? I think not.

Some persons claim President Bush shouldn't have started this war, they are wrong-headed, he didn't start this war, terrorists have attacked us many times in the last twenty years and it has not been rebuffed in a viable way. You must start somewhere to stop this one sided war and that is to observe it in the truth of reality.

That's almost poetic. "You must start somewhere to stop." Well, in a Donny and Marie kind of way. Actually, though, I think we may have a pretty good song here. So please put your hands together for the Dark Window variety show!

They're all wrong-headed, woooo-ooooo
With no viable way in si-i-ight.
You must start somewhere to stop, baby
And observe my tender truth of re-a-li-ty-y-y-yyyy.

You may not realize it but “YOU DO NOT WANT A DEMOCRAT FLAKE IN THE HIGHEST OFFICE OF THE LAND IN WAR TIME, ESPECIALLY ONE AGAINST AN ENEMY THAT HAS SUCH A FOOTHOLD IN AMERICA” and I am sure the voters in flyover country which is almost totally ignored by big city Dems, will have more get-back votes to pay for the Florida fiasco of trying not to let the military vote in for counting.

I almost hate to make fun of this guy. I don't think I've read such an original interpretation of the English language since Finnegans Wake. But I guess that makes sense. Ulysses employed the language of the day, the Wake invoked the language of the night, and Bob Pratt's column can only be described as using the language of hiding under your Snoopy blanket and shrieking at the top of your lungs.

The Dems are retardant about how the length of this war, but... It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51 day operation by the Government of the US to teach all dissenters a lesson, while Timothy McVeigh and Nichols taught the US government with their assist to kill a load of feds in revenge mode. I wrote to and received mail and magazines from Tim McVeigh while he was in Terre Haute and advised him to adhere to the advice of a Catholic Nun's offering of solace at that time.

Okay, now I have no trouble making fun of this guy. He just went from being ridiculous to being scary.

We've been looking for evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. If I were the head of a country that is in violation of U.N. Mandates which are virtually worthless as past history has shown as a condition of an aggressive war against a peaceful nation, Kuwait, I would be very appreciative of a period of more than a year to hide my nasties very deep or transferred. (look in France, Iran or Syria)

Bob, I'm going to say this as nicely as I can: I don't think anybody wants to see your nasties. Put them back in your pants.

Please.

Bob Pratt, a man who likes to hide his nasties

An offside comment here is, (“France is and has always been, the most disgusting and dishonorable place on God's earth to be designated as a country or receive lip service from the rest of the total world in any category or respect and hopefully will be replaced by India as one of the five on the voting board of the illegal UN)

I give up! I can't lampoon this stuff. It's pure comedy gold already. If Bob keeps writing these columns, I'm going to be out of a blog soon.

Our Commander-In-Chief, GEORGE W. BUSH-43 is doing a good job and morale is pretty darn high! The anchorite media hopes we are too incognizant to realize the facts, and now does not just exaggerate but expands on outright lies to the public.

It is a fact if a lie is repeated often enough, it becomes truth in the brain of the beholder. And it is also a fact that the Jewish owned and paid for media has most of the ink to implement and promote false information, in the U.S.

Yet another fine example of how the good conservatives over at Bush Country are the best friends Israel ever had.

There has never been a more contrasted representation, for decades, of differences in the DEM and GOP campaigns than there has been this year. Actually, now it has become a contest of wills and propaganda in the left and the right, but also a complete introduction of governmental and operational differences in Democrat Socialism, that the Europeans swear by and the Solidarity of a great Republic of laws and freedom of the law-abiding individual and citizen voters of our America's beautiful system of Nationalism and it's benefits. The globalist hate our concept, many receiving the benefits of our hard earned freedom are being total ingrates not deserving or worthy of the benefits of our country's system and that may very well include Kerry.

I've read that paragraph at least ten times. I figured it was important because it's the last one in the column. But I'll be doggone if I can make any sense of it.

I think Bob's saying that the European socialists have a great Republic and that they respect laws and freedom. I'm not sure who this globalist guy is but he seems pretty down with the lingo to be able to leave the "s" off of his verbs like that. And I'll confess to being surprised with the closing thought that Kerry is one of the many fine benefits our country has to offer.

I think that's what the column was trying to say anyway. Like any fine piece of literature, Bob appears to be open to interpretation.

How Saint Paul Predicted John Kerry's Treason Nearly 2000 Years Ago

2004-08-24T00:20:00.000-07:00

Jack Kinsella, Hal Lindsey's lovable sidekick, has a new column out and it's a good one. Yes, today our Oracle in Training (OiT) is breaking theological ground with a new column about how the Bible predicted John Kerry's Treason.

The first part of the piece is all about how Michael Moore's movie, Fahrenheit 9/11, is being shown to soldiers in Kuwait. This makes Jack really mad because it's causing soldiers to question the reasons why they're fighting in the first place.

Just look at our actions during the Second World War, he says, when anything critical of the war effort was censored.

During the Second World War, troop morale overseas was deemed to be a matter of national security. Defeatism was not only discouraged, it was censored. The 1st Amendment survived. So did the United States of America.

That's good enough for me. Shut down the first amendment, please.

Jack goes on to describe Lord Haw-Haw and Tokyo Rose, two people tried for treason after the war. According to Jack, their main crime was that they tried to break US morale. Since this is the same thing John Kerry and Michael Moore do, they should probably be killed too. Of course he doesn't say that last bit but, well, follow the logic.

Sorry. That "logic" should have been in quotation marks.

With the Vietnam War, treason became fashionable. What led Lord Haw-Haw to the gallows and put Tokyo Rose in prison put John Kerry in the Senate, for example.

I wonder if Jack's ever actually read what John Kerry said to the Senate Committee. I think it's far more likely that he's simply regurgitating what he hears from Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

‘Treason’ as an indictable crime, has a specific legal definition. But Webster’s defines the meaning of ‘treason’ as follows:

Old Jack's a sly one. Since John Kerry and Michael Moore have done nothing approaching the legal definition of treason, Jack's going to prove, using only his dictionary, that they should be judged as if they had.

Did I mention that Jack's column is part of his ministry that operates based on gifts and donations? Thank God the little old ladies sent him enough money to spring for a dictionary!

Anyway, here's Jack's quote from "Webster's:"

“The offense of attempting to overthrow the government of the state to which the offender owes allegiance, or of betraying the state into the hands of a foreign power; disloyalty; treachery.”

Well, while we've got "Webster's" open, let me try one.

Moron: 1 A retarded person mentally equal to a child between eight and twelve years old. 2 A very foolish or stupid person.

I didn't even require a donation to do that!

John Kerry’s antiwar activities are a textbook example of a person betraying the state into the hands of a foreign power. Screaming, “1st Amendment privilege,” Kerry handed the North Vietnamese all the propaganda they needed to break US morale and ultimately hand Hanoi victory. That is a matter of historical record.

Jack's column is definitely a textbook example of something too.

Michael Moore’s antiwar ‘documentaries’ like Fahrenheit 9/11 are further examples of leftist treason, according to Webster’s definition. Both Kerry and Moore are guilty of betraying the state into the hands of a foreign power by their conduct. In Kerry’s case, the betrayal was complete and the victory went to Hanoi.

Jack's ability to use the dictionary seems only to be surpassed by his incredibly strong grasp of history. But seriously, how could we possibly vote for the guy who single-handedly caused America to lose the Vietnam war?

In Moore’s case, the betrayal is ongoing. Screaming, “1st Amendment privilege,” Moore’s wild, unproven allegations about the war in Iraq and why we are there is sapping the will of America to stay the course, and, heartbreakingly, the will of the men in harm’s way.

Because if you question a conservative leader, you're guilty of treason. Simple as that, really.

Jack goes on to give some reasons why we invaded Iraq in the first place (even though none of them seems to have anything to do with the reasons given at the time). You know, things like the fact that Saddam Hussein was a puppet of the French, Germans, and Russians and how thousands of Iraqis were dying each day. Oh, and just what was Saddam planning to do with that yellow cake uranium from Niger anyway?

Those were the reasons our troops went to Iraq, and they were proud to do it. Those I've met who returned from Iraq were filled with a sense of accomplishment and the rightness of their mission.

Michael Moore betrayed them, stole their pride, and instilled in them a sense of futility that may well get some of those who are still in combat killed. Moore knows that -- he's been told by experts.

Yes, not only is Michael Moore betraying our country, he's actually killing our soldiers. It's amazing he hasn't been executed yet.

Treason is evidently no barrier to high office, as John Kerry’s candidacy makes clear. And treason is no barrier to wealth, fame and high honors, as Michael Moore’s wildly successful enemy propaganda films testify to so eloquently.

Just as a complete lack of rational thought is evidently no barrier to having your own ministry.

To them, America is the enemy, but to their twisted way of thinking, that makes them ‘patriots’ – so say the likes of Michael Moore, John Kerry, Alec Baldwin, Teddy Kennedy, etc., etc.

Great logic, that is. Anybody who questions a foreign policy that alienates our traditional allies and invades a sovereign country under false pretenses can only be described as one who views America as the enemy.

But Jack's just getting warmed up, ladies and gentlemen. Because it's not just "Webster's" that thinks John Kerry and Michael Moore are evil. You see, God thinks they're evil, too. Not only that, but John Kerry's also a sign of the apocalypse!

At the risk of repeating myself, Paul’s description of society in the last days bears more than a passing resemblance to our own crumbling social edifice. Consider, for a moment, the platform, tone and spirit of those who represent the American Left.

Picture such faces in your minds eye as John Kerry’s, or Michael Moore, or Alec Baldwin, Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy, Tom Daschle. . . ok, got it?

You think you know where Jack's going with this, don't you? Well, you're wrong. Because he's about to take this to an entirely new Wing Nut plane of existence.

Now look at what they stand for. Abortion rights. Gay rights. Secular humanism. The suppression of Christianity. Same sex marriages. Children’s rights (and the corollary erosion of parental rights) Even UN rights over US sovereign matters like national defense.

Good God, no! Not children's rights! What a bunch of Satan-worshippers!

Now, look at how they advance their causes. By creating division – the ‘two Americas’ the ‘rich against the poor’ (class warfare is a technique perfected by the Bolsheviks to overthrow the Czar. It is classical Marxism).

By fomenting civil unrest. By advocating civil disobedience. Recall all the illegal gay ‘marriages’ performed by elected officials in defiance of the law, for example. (Also classical Marxism)

You gay? You wanna get married? Then you're a commie. Simple as that.

Still within the realm of ordinary Wing Nuttism, you say? Just keep reading.

Let’s return to Paul’s comments, one more time. Bear with me.

First, the historical context of which Paul is framing his description:

"This know also, that in THE LAST DAYS, perilous times shall come." Having established the historical context as being in the 'last days' Paul describes the social conditions that constitute 'perilous times' for the Church in those last days.

"For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy." (2nd Timothy 3:2)

Well, that was nice and all but God didn't really do a great job of making his Word clear so Jack's going to help Him out. Hooray for Jack!

Allow me to paraphrase Paul to illustrate my point (with apologies to the Author). "For men shall supporters of secular humanism, wanting power at all costs, boasters (Was Kerry in Cambodia in 1968?) supporters of the ACLU, supporters of restricting parental rights, unthankful and unholy."

“Without natural affection (gay marriage) trucebreakers (Kerry’s promise to bug out of Iraq) false accusers (Bush lied, Bush was AWOL, SWIFT Boat veterans are all partisan liars, etc) incontinent (Teddy Kennedy) fierce (Terry McAullife: Bush was AWOL) despisers of those that are good (GOP taken over by the “religious right”)”

“Traitors (see assessment) heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God, having a form of godliness (Kerry the Catholic believes life begins at conception but supports abortion ‘rights’), but denying the power thereof :(One nation, under God?) . . . to which, Paul warns the Church, “from such turn away.”

This is perhaps the lowest I've ever seen a Wing Nut go. And if you've read the Dark Window for any length of time, you know that's saying something.

This is not intended as an exhortation for one political party or a condemnation of the other. They stand either condemned or justified on the weight of their own positions.

Sure, Jack.

The point of this column is actually made by 1 Timothy 1:1.

Before presenting a literal description of the worldview of the America liberal left, Paul opens by saying;

“This know also, that IN THE LAST DAYS, perilous times shall come.”

Questions, anyone?

How on earth could I question anybody with enough authority to put words into God's mouth?

Jack Kinsella, The New Voice Of God

Ed. Note: It occurs to me that many of you may be wondering why I would choose to devote such a lengthy entry to somebody as apparently obscure as Jack Kinsella. Especially since even by Seb's standards this wasn't a particularly funny piece. Well, the sad fact is that Jack's not nearly as obscure as he probably should be. People like him (and Hal Lindsey) have an enormous audience and a great deal of influence, whether through Christian television (TBN), print media, or the internet. We ignore these people at our own peril.

Fun With Wing Nut Collectibles

2004-08-23T00:20:00.000-07:00

In our quest to keep up with all the latest Right Wing trends here at the Dark Window, we recently came across a "new" product that all the cool Wing Nuts are talking about. You see, some brilliant patriots got it into their heads that you can never have enough of a good thing. Well, enough of a thing, anyway.

And so they came up with an item that bills itself as "The Definitive Collection of Political Playing Cards."

Please, ladies and gentlemen, try to keep your composure.

Liberty Productions is pleased to make available the 2004 edition of the Bush League All Stars collection of political playing cards. Combining a generous mix of satire, art, and conservative commentary, the Bush League All Stars constitute a heaping five-course meal of conservative red meat served up for the vast right-wing conspiracy to devour in droves!

I certainly won't malign the idea that this set is a good representation of a heaping five-course meal of conservative red meat.

Add to this collection a very special tribute deck honoring the Coalition-of-the-Willing, and what you end up with is an entertaining and enlightening election year collectible that no politics junkie or informed voter should be without.

The Coalition-of-the-Willing set: defining every possible meaning of 'not playing with a full deck.'

Have you grown tired of the endless barrage of hastily-assembled, overpriced cookie-cutter political playing card decks that have flooded the market since the release of the popular Iraqi Most Wanted deck of cards? Your patient wait for reasonably priced, top-notch conservative satire is finally over!

Yeah, nothing "cookie-cutter" about that! I guess there's a reason why everybody calls Liberty Productions the Sadly, No! of political playing card manufacturers.

“Why pay upwards of $14.95 for ONE DECK of boring photos and annoying rants? Why not get a better bang for your buck with SIX DECKS of unrestrained right-wing satire and patriotic tribute – and all for just $29.95? These are quality cards, folks. Printed on 300 Corona 2-Ply card stock by world renowned card manufacturer, Carta Mundi, these cards are the real deal!

Well, at least somebody on the Right has finally acknowledged that all those other decks were pretty boring. But that's some logic. One deck = boring. Six decks = hours of unrestrained fun.

Uh...Woohoo!

SO LET US REVIEW....
$14.95 FOR ONE DECK OF CRUD = BAD DECISION!!

I'll certainly agree with that.

$29.95 FOR SIX DECKS OF QUALITY = GOOD DECISION!!

It is, after all, the American way. If one of something is bad, then six of the exact same thing must be positively sublime.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE---IT GETS EVEN BETTER!!!

You can hardly imagine my excitement at this moment.

BUY TWO SETS, GET ONE FREE!!
SO WHAT THIS MEANS IS....

I may be a little slow but I'm pretty sure I know what that means. I would wager that even Seb knows what it means.

GOOD DECISION X 2 = FREE STUFF!!
WHICH MEANS YOU CAN THEN....
USE ONE SET FOR CARD GAMES....
GIVE ONE SET AS A GIFT...
AND SAVE THE THIRD AS A COLLECTIBLE!

That's right. If you’re truly cool, you'll actually buy 18 decks of these things.

“It’s a slam-dunk win-win. You get the best conservative satire ever slapped onto the face of a playing card, PLUS you are contributing to a worthy and timely cause.

Who wouldn't want the best conservative satire "ever slapped onto the face of a playing card?"

To those who think they can beat us on quality and price, we proudly quote the heiress-leeching, running-mate-ass-slapping, ski-crashing, botox-injecting, Whoopi-loving, intern-shipping, throwing-a-baseball-like-a-girl, sleep-inducing, flip-flopping, long-faced Massachusetts liberal who, by the way, served in Vietnam, in laying down our challenge to them to....BRING....IT....ON!!!!

I was about to quote the oil-worshipping, bunker-hiding, draft-dodging, Halliburton-protecting, crooked-mouthed Wyoming Wing Nut but realized that would probably be inappropriate at a family blog such as this one.

But don’t purchase just yet.

I promise I won't.

Take a few moments, if you will, and come join us for a brief tour of political playing cards the way they were meant to be made!

As taught in the seminal 1927 work Political Playing Card Manufacturing: An Industrial Primer.

These cards have been designed for those folks who have more than a passing interest in politics, have ever been referred to by others as a politics junkie, a political junkie, maybe a news junkie, or perhaps even a newshound or a news hound.

Translation: anybody who has ever been referred to as a Wing Nut, a wing nut, a wingnut, or perhaps even a wing-nut.

These cards are geared towards the vast right-wing conspiracy, towards those looking for conservative humor, or conservative cartoons, or perhaps an art form called conservative satire, or conservative parody, call it political humor, even political satire, heck, why not even call it political parody?

Heck, why call it that when you can call it keyword spamming?

So how about some examples of these quality cards. Let's start by looking at the Loopy Liberals, a group described thusly:

Next up is Loopy Leftists, a witty gathering of entertainment dunderheads, dorky activists, and left-wing “intellectuals”, all of whom share an undying love for liberalism and a never-ending disdain for America.

For starters, there’s MoveOn.org’s Wes Boyd Remember him? He says the president is a “misleader”. We say if anyone knows misleaders, it’s Wes Boyd.

Best conservative satire slapped onto a playing card indeed! "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"

And naturally, no deck of mental misfits would be complete without the Stupid White Man– no, not Rob Reiner or Al Franken, but those are good guesses! Are we having fun yet?

I kinda hate to break it to you guys but...

In the five-hole we present Thugs & Weasels, a witty yet sobering survey of evil-doers, bad-boys, and ne’er-do-wells who threaten the world’s pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness, ignominiously joined by the wusses and putzes who enable and encourage them.

Say, did Doug Giles write that?

Saddam Hussein understood well his best chance to re-open the rape-rooms.

Abu Ghraib? Nope. John Kerry.

Here's the card:

Gerhard Schroeder wasn’t nearly as confident.

Mohammed Atta is finding that Paradise isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Evidently because hell is filled with European girls.

And of course what group that includes Mohammed Atta would be complete without also including Jimmy Carter?

But lest you think these decks only disparage liberals, there's also this final deck that honors our most valiant heroes.

This deck pays honor and respect to the brave leaders of the Coalition-of-the-Willing, whose moral clarity and intellectual honesty enabled them to stand proudly with America up to and throughout the duration of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Sure. How else would you describe the decision to invade Iraq than "intellectual honesty?"

So there you have it, folks. 101 of the best reasons to treat you and your friends, family and colleagues to the best that political playing cards have to offer. And if that wasn't enough, it is our pleasure to inform you that the best satire, parody, and commentary lies within the 200+ cards we didn't even show you!

I should certainly hope so!

See you later, everybody. I'm off to practice my shuffling skills.

Our Very First Award...STOLEN

2004-08-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

We at the Dark Window were overwhelmed with joy and gratitude when it was announced that we had won the very prestigious and highly sought-after McManama Award over the weekend.

Some guy named Pete runs a hilarious website called the dark window where he picks apart the arguments of right-wingnuts. His site is certainly the best of the genre, even though Sadly, No! (aparently run by some guy named Seb) is pretty good as well.

So imagine our surprise and disappointment when just hours later we read this at Andrew McManama's website:

Please Don't Hurt Me!!

Alarmed by such a frightening headline and scared for our new friend Andrew, we quickly read on.

I clearly made a mistake a couple of days ago, as the kind people of Sadly, No! pointed out.

Sounds like somebody had a little conversation with Andrew. I wonder who in the world it could possibly be.

But back to our bullied friend.

Dark Window isn't the funniest blog, it's TBogg but I plead ignorance! I hadn't ever been to it before they informed me.

There you have it, dear readers. Seb and that sinister lingerie-obsessed guy over at TBogg have teamed up to threaten anybody who claims to be a fan of the Dark Window. Are the two "tough guys" trying to compensate for a humiliating deficiency elsewhere? We'd hate to speculate (but we certainly encourage you to do so).

Unlike other delicate flowers in the blogging world, we promise never to threaten people who enjoy reading other websites. Well, unless they're reading Jesus' General. But that's just because we're jealous of how funny it is.

In the meantime, if you're easily intimidated, we won't hold it against you if you choose to visit a blog whose idea of original humor amounts to little more than quoting old Seinfeld episodes. That's just the kind of nice people we are here.

We'd like to close by offering a special thanks to Andrew for his far too kind words and short-lived award. We'll always cherish the three hours during which it belonged to us.

World O'Tribute: S.Z. Turns One

2004-08-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

August 20th, 2003: Exactly one year ago today. It was a day that started like any other day. The sun rose, Rush Limbaugh popped a few pills, and Wing Nuts all over the country shrieked. Yet this day turned out to be far from ordinary.

Had you been wandering around Salon.com and decided to look at the new blogs, you might have clicked on one that seemed, well, not quite like the others.

Here's the first thing you would have seen:

And beneath that these now-immortal words appeared:

Why You Should Read My Blog: It Will Serve You Coffee

And so began what we now know as the single-greatest (and funniest) blog on earth: World O'Crap.

Fortunately, the lovely and multi-talented writer who penned those words listed some reasons why the non-coffee-drinkers among us might want to read it as well.

“Here's why: because my blog is going to be about things we can all relate to. You know, cheesy movies, annoying politicans, weird advertising, Ann Coulter.

Sure. Who can't relate to Ann Coulter? Oh, wait. There's more.

And MORE!. Yes, all the mediocre, uninspired, muddle-headed, and just plain wrong stuff from this millennium and the previous one will be our playing field. And I, the Blogger With No Name who just road into town this weak with the naive and misguided impression I can clean up the town, will be your tour guide.”

Thank Heavens Frederick wasn't around yet because the spelling in that last sentence may very well have killed him.

Anyway, after what can only be called a misguided early attempt to become the Lileks of the Left, the blogger now known as S.Z. soon began to find her own delightful voice (as well as a strange new blog template). Here's one of her earliest offerings:

It seems that this guy Rob Moore is just not going to get his rock out of the rotunda--at least, not until the media stops covering this story.

Fortunately, S.Z. had a plan. And a lofty plan it was.

And while there have been a lot of people interviewed about the situation (Rob, his supporters, the Alabama State Attorney General, the ACLU, Jerry Falwell, etc.), it seems that nobody has talked to perhaps the key player in all of this: God.

Apparently she hadn't yet heard of Pat Robertson. Apparently she also hadn't heard that Rob's name is actually Roy. But I guess that's beside the point.

So, I got in touch with God's press secretary and managed to set up a short lunch meeting. Here's a transcript of our conversation:

And as you've probably already learned, those voices in S.Z.'s head tend to be pretty dang funny.

Me: Thanks for agreeing to talk with me.

God: No problem. I meet so few reporters these days that I felt it was my duty.

Me: Hey, was that a slam?!? But let's move on. As you know . . .

God: Yes. I'm omniscient.

I'll just let that one sink in for a moment.

After a few days of discussing Rush Limbaugh and Judge Roy Moore with God, S.Z. began to branch out from the small realm of metaphysics and politics and began to explore a larger world. Yes, she began to cook actual "regrettable" recipes from America's golden age.

I never thought it would come to this, but World O' Crap readers (and consequently, my new best friends) Cowboy K. and A. Steele have dared me to actually prepare "Sea Dream Salad," so I guess I'll have to (our national security is at stake, you know). So, I'll stock up on lime Jell-O, cucumbers, cayenne pepper, and various forms of marine life, and will endeavor to make the dish later this week. Unless Homeland Security downgrades the Code Lime Green, of course.

Ah, yes, lime green alerts. Those really were innocent times, weren't they? But Cowboy K. and A. Steele? Obviously made-up names. Well, made-up porn names. Not hard to figure out where S.Z. was finding her inspiration during those early days, is it? I believe you'll find that her obsession with porn and male genitalia only deepened as time went on. So please, by all means, keep reading.

Several days (and Bill O'Reillys) later, S.Z. made good on her promise and cooked up a lime green wonder.

But how did it taste, you ask? Well, um, okay, actually. I've been a little queasy ever since I heard the news about Bill O'Reilly being JLo, so I wasn't sure I dared sample the disgusting-looking goop, but I did it, just for you, and discovered it was was pretty good (or maybe that's just the delirium talking). I put some mayonnaise on the cucumbers, and the combination of tangy/sweet Jell-O, crunchy cukes, creamy mayonnaise, and mildly salty alleged shrimp was surprisingly satisfying. I recommend you try a Jello recipe featuring meat, vegetables, and vinegar today!

Sure thing, S.Z.

So how did she manage to top the cooking segments? Well, as her comfort behind the keys grew, so did her power. She seems to have first noticed this newfound influence on September 14th.

In the early hours of 8 September I used a quote from a Warren Zevon song; later that day, his death was announced. On 11 September I posted an image of Jonny Quest; on 12 September we learned of the deaths of both Jonny Cash and John Ritter. I believe I am responsible for their deaths, and I apologize.

Responsible...but not responsible enough to stop her murderous blogging. So remember, next time you read one of her jokes and exclaim, "Ha! She slays me!"...Well, be careful.

Friday, November 26th, was a momentous day in the World O'Crap world. In fact, I would choose to categorize this day as her coming of age. For this was the revolutionary day upon which S.Z. first decided to summarize the loony columns at Town Hall.

Hey, it's the day before Thanksgiving, and the Town Hall columnists have been busy little beavers, churning out SEVENTEEN new pieces for today. They must imagine that everyone is planning on devoting their entire long weekend to "the flagship on the web for conservatives everywhere." But I don't think that's really the case. Today's busy conservatives everywhere have errands to run, food to cook, marriages to preserve, and crosses to burn, and so they don't have time to read and digest this many new Town Hall columns.

But they also don't want to miss out on possible new developments in the lives of their favorite pundits, such as Ben Shapiro getting laid or Ann Coulter explaining that Adam's apple. So, to make life easier for everyone, I've provided a capsule summary of ALL of today's Town Hall columns, as well as providing a representative quote from said column. No, no need to thank me. Knowing that I'm helping to combat the evil liberal plan to "portray our side as mean-spirited and heartless in order to turn the American public against us" is reward enough.

False advertising aside (we never did hear about Ben getting laid or Ann explaining her mannish neck), S.Z. knew she'd hit upon something good. Somewhere between her natural brilliance and sheer intellectual laziness, she'd managed to come up with a golden formula for success. Here she is just two days later:

Since I have no creativity left today, I'm going to once again just summarize the Town Hall columns. As on the 26th, the recurring themes are: Gay Marriage is Bad, the Medicare Bill is Bad, Ronald Reagan is Good, and Thanksgiving Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry About Iraq. But today you also get Rich Lowry's favorite beer ads, Ollie North's call for more Wayne Newtons, and some info on which races make the best newspaper men:

Boy, that could have been last week. Well, except for the Thanksgiving part. Not surprisingly, the Town Hall summaries continued two days later. And then the day after that. And then two days later she summarized them yet again:

Nothing exceptionally goofy today, just the usual mean-spiritedness, some same-sex marriage doomifiying, and a batch of Bush boosting. Oh, and a giant snow penis.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the giant snow penis. It was that same day that S.Z. chose to reveal a deep-seated fantasy that should perhaps have been allowed to remain hidden:

While I don't think that a giant snow penis implicitly threatens any women (except, perhaps, for petite snowwomen --it really CAN be too big for some women), I kinda like the idea that it replace the "Southern Cross" as a symbol of white racist pride.

Uh...ye-eah. Why don't we just move on.

The year 2003 ended with a flurry of Town Hall summaries, Rush Limbaugh jokes, more Town Hall summaries, and a brilliant decision to infiltrate the GOP.

And speaking of people who infiltrate the GOP in order to do nefarious things, I am a Team Leader for the RNC. Well, I didn't MEAN to be one -- I just gave them my email address so they could send me their "Democratic Candidate Bingo" card (which they never did, BTW), and now I am provided with the following Benefits:

Benefit #1 being her torrid (but surprisingly loveless) affair with Karl Rove. Yes, I know. Disgusting. I won't even mention benefits 6-9. This is, after all, a family blog.

Before we finish out the year, though, I must mention an event that changed my life forever. You see, it was on Christmas Eve that I read my very first blog entry. Until that day, I hadn't even known what a "blog" was. My awakening happened like this: I had just read a column of some sort by World Net Daily columnist Vox Day and thought it might be fun to do a Google search on him and the U.N. (I had my suspicions even then). Within the portentous search results that greeted me, I saw a strange website listed – a site known simply as blogs.salon.com/0002874. From the moment I clicked on it, I was hooked. I think maybe it was the casual (yet authoritative) way S.Z. suggested the following for Vox and fellow boy toy columnist Ben Shapiro:

So, even though Vox is Southern Baptist and Ben is a rabbi, and Ben is a virgin (while Vox has been accused of being a sexist pornographer), I still think that somebody should arrange a play-date for the two young men.

Boy, now that I know Vox, I think that's even funnier than I did then. A surreal follow-up to this came later when Vox decided he quite liked World O'Crap as well and gave S.Z. (whom he called Eponymous) a special mention at his own blog:

He's generally not inclined to take me on, unfortunately, and his readers are about as intellectually sophisticated as you'd imagine, but he is the one funny left-wing blogger that I've encountered. Sure, the obsession with who Ben Shapiro and Kyle Williams are not sleeping with gets old, but one must give credit where credit is due and I happen to find it amusing. Maybe you won't, but hey, it's my blog.

At this point, somebody seems to have clued Vox in to S.Z.'s true gender and he responded by writing this now-legendary phrase:

Apparently he is a she. I was under the mistaken impression that Eponymous was a homosexual he.

Of course we all know now that gender confusion is a fairly common occurrence in Vox's world but that was probably our first real glimpse.

As the new year progressed, S.Z. flirted with Amber Pawlik, obsessed about Janet Jackson's nipple, and started the World O'Crap book club.

Everybody else has a book club. Oprah has one. "The Today Show" has one. Even Kelly Ripa has one. ("Fun, frivolous, fast and fiction, that's what Reading With Ripa is all about.") But when I saw that Sean Hannity had one I said to myself, "Damn, what a crappy book club! Say, that gives me an idea. . . ! "

And so, welcome to the World O'Crap Book Club -- featuring crappy books that we haven't read, and which we encourage you not to read either.

And you know what? I never did read them. Good thing too because most of them were by people like Michael Savage and Dr. Laura.

On February 5th, S.Z. made history by revealing the secret identity of anonymous high-profile bloggers like Atrios, TBOGG, and the weird guy who runs Sadly, No!

Blog: Sadly, No!

Real Name of blogger: Dr. Seb No!

Address: 9 Brottenwurstenslagen Way, Munich, Germany

Occupation: Supervillian, international spy

Family: Wife Amber; adopted grownup son Frederick.

Hehe. Jokes at the expense of Seb and Frederick just never get old, do they?

Anyway, this mention of Seb is probably a good time to throw things over to him because he's going to be covering things from here with his (I'm sure equally insipid) S.Z.: The Later Months. Of course just between you and me, Seb's been hitting the wowie sauce a little hard these past couple of days so I can't vouch for his part.

But one last personal note before we head over to Sadly, No!. I cannot finish without mentioning what is perhaps S.Z.'s most nefarious deed. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she is the one who first introduced the world to the Dark Window.

Pete M., whom you might remember from the comments section of such blogs as this one, has started his own blog, DarkWindow. He promises it will be required reading in all major univesities that Ben Shapiro may Google. And it has a cute mugshot of somebody who may be Pete.

Cute, eh? Is S.Z., as Frederick has so eloquently put it, "warm for my form?" Well, only time will tell (we're hoping yes). But in the meantime, I close by saying this:

In a world of cookie-cutter blogs and supermarket personalities, S.Z. stands out as an original voice and a truly wonderful human being. She has an extraordinary gift for making us laugh day in and day out and has never asked for anything in return.

I can't tell you how comforting it is to know that no matter how bad a day I might be having, fun conversation with friends and laughs at Wing Nuts' expense are only a short click of the mouse away.

Thanks for all the hard work and dedication, S.Z. You've touched more lives than you realize. And on a more personal note, thank you for all of your support, encouragement, and kind words. Any success I've had here at the Dark Window is directly attributable to you ~~and Seb~~ and I am most grateful. I love the things you do but, more importantly, I cherish your friendship.

You deserve far more than this lame-ass tribute but since lame-ass is what we specialize in here at the Dark Window, let me be the first to say: Happy first birthday!

In Other News...

2004-08-20T00:53:00.000-07:00

Special thanks to my good friend Ivan for the heads-up about S.Z.'s blogiversary. And for those of you who aren't reading Ivan's extraordinary blog, I want to take a moment to recommend it. If you have any interest in the golden age of Hollywood films or old-time radio, you won't find a better treasure trove of information and enjoyable anecdotes than Ivan's amazing website. There's nothing on the web quite like Thrilling Days Of Yesteryear so please, go check it out!

If You're Not Wearing God On Your Sleeve...

2004-08-19T00:30:00.000-07:00

...You Might Need A New Shirt.

That's the brilliant title of Debbie Daniel's new column over at GOP USA. It's all about how Jesus should be the true ruler of our country and that we should vote for him in this upcoming election. But since he's not actually running, I think we're supposed to vote for the surrogate savior - George W. Bush.

So, go out today and get yourself a new shirt because you're not getting it done with the one you're wearing.

Might we suggest a fine Christian t-shirt?

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself and wonder what in the world I'm doing. I've never been political in my life, but I've always been patriotic. I've never tried to be sanctimonious, but today my "righteous indignation" is showing and I'm learning, "there is a profound difference" . . . as young Ron Reagan would say . . . so the march has begun, the fight is on. [Ellipses hers]

If you thought Janet Jackson's nipple scarred our children, just wait until they get a gander at Debbie's righteous indignation.

Debbie Daniel, Exhibitionist For The Lord

It's not about a candidate for President; it's about principles . . . our faith. This election is about good and evil, right and wrong, God and no-God.

I sure hope John Kerry's priest doesn't hear that he's running on the no-God platform. Then he really won't get to take communion!

I profess to be a Christian, but some who wish I'd lay my pen down, tell me I'm no such thing. So, I'll call myself a Christian with many flaws, in training to be a soldier in the army of God.

Kind of like a Christian Lynndie England.

This brings up a question I need to ask: As a nation founded on Judeo-Christian principles, what are we going to do with God? . . . The Almighty God . . . the One True Living God?

Uh...Go out for cocktails? Seems like a weird question.

And what are we going to do with Jesus . . . The Son of the Living God? . . . The reason we celebrate Christmas. If it's not the One True God, then Jesus has no meaning in our lives.

I wonder if Jesus likes dancing. I think I'll give him a call.

When we refer to "Under God," . . . "In God We Trust," . . . or "God Bless America," there are some who would have you believe it's whatever "god" you want to make it. Just pick and choose your god and that's the one we're talking about.

Remember, all those things refer only to Debbie's God.

Are we trying to relegate the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob to be the same God as Mohammed, Buddha, or Allah?

Not one of them is the One True Living God of the Bible . . . and once again, there is a profound difference.

Yeah, so vote for Bush!

If you really don't believe God as anything to do with our country or this election . . . I wouldn't tell HIM.

Whom should we tell then? That gossipy Lucianne Goldberg maybe?

If you're making statements like that and have never experienced the wrath of God . . . Woe be to you, my friend.

Yes, I'm fairly confident that Debbie's friends experience a great deal of woe.

The young Ron Reagan who speaks with just a slight smirk of proud defiance, would have us believe that his father did not walk around wearing his faith on his sleeve, but when the ballet dancer was "pirouetting" around the country denouncing his father's every word, it just seems strange that the son now comprehends the exact meaning of his father's faith, and can now speak for him in his death.

Oooooh, ballet dancer...I'll bet he's a homosexual, too!

The late President once said: "Without God, democracy will not and cannot long endure. If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."

I'm sorry, but Ron, you are no Ronald Reagan.

Well, you know, technically he is, Debbie...

When God spoke to Moses in Exodus 3:15, he said, "I am the God of your Fathers, of Abraham, of Isaac, and the God of Jacob . . . this is my name forever, the name by which I am to be remembered from generation to generation." It was there that God presented Moses with the Ten Commandments. He didn't give them to Buddha or Mohammed. And that's not Allah holding those two stone tablets.

It's actually Charlton Heston.

So, do we need to bring in the bull-dozers and fire up the jackhammers? Maybe not, I already feel the rumbling of the earth below as those Founding Fathers "roll over in their graves" and I don't believe God is none too happy with us either.

I don't believe I'm none too happy with Debbie's writing, either.

The call to God is being omitted everyday from our textbooks. It was Patrick Henry who said, "Give me liberty or give me death", but these words not seen: "An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us . . . we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that presides over the destinies of nations."

Hard to argue with that. What textbook shouldn't include a call to God?

Why, we've already bull-dozed the Ten Commandments out of the Rotunda of Judge Roy Moore's Alabama Courthouse. The remains are in hiding.

And just this week an activist judge in Harris County, Texas (Houston) has ruled that a Bible enclosed in a monument that has been on display for nearly 50 years must be removed because it might encourage people to read the Bible. Well, hark if that should happen!

Yes, hark!

We are in a fight for our survival, so if your sleeve doesn't show it, maybe you could wear a band that says, "I'm voting for Almighty God in this election" and then place your vote where it will count.

What in the world could I say to top that?

Thanks for the fine column, Debbie! I'm definitely changing my shirt after reading that!

Teresa Heinz Kerry: Imperious Bitch

2004-08-19T00:25:00.000-07:00

That's the word from another fine GOP USA column - this one by the lovely-spirited Jan Ireland.

Teresa Heinz Kerry married astronomical wealth, and less than a decade ago John Kerry married her.

They are now trying to buy the presidency of the United States.

Say, I thought the Wing Nuts were making a big deal about how Teresa wouldn't give John any of her money. Never let it be said that they can't see both sides of an argument.

When thwarted at a campaign rally by the simple presence of Bush supporters who want the President reelected, Teresa incited the return chant of "Four more years of hell!" It was the same occasion at which Hubby John accused George Bush of sending the "Republican goon squad."

Da-amn! Teresa really is an imperious bitch! If somebody ever said "four more years of hell" to me I'd punch her in the face.

Teresa's body language toward John Kerry often suggests that she does not like him. She eschews kisses, contact, even publicly criticizes him.

If there's one thing Jan can read, it's the human body.

Jan Ireland, FBI (Female Body Inspector)

He did not criticize her, even after hearing of her "Shove it!" to a reporter pressing for a journalistic clarification.

Curse Teresa's Frenchman husband for not criticizing her! Everybody knows that the sign of a truly godly man is public criticism of his wife.

First Lady Laura Bush was at a Citicorp building recently for an event. Teresa was to make a simultaneous appearance, until staffers realized she would have to interact with "real people" in an "unstaged event."

Thank God our President would never do that!

Though John Kerry is supposed to have wanted the presidency since childhood, I think it is Teresa who wants it far more. As foreign-born, she has no hope of running, though the mutterings recently of a constitutional amendment to allow that might have been for her (rather than Arnold Schwarzenegger or Jennifer Granholm.)

Who cares if all the evidence points to a contrary conclusion? Jan reads body language!

A case could be made that John Kerry was one of Teresa's imperious demands of the moment that she thought would win the presidency for her. A similar case could suggest that Teresa Heinz was exactly that for John Kerry when he married her.

Only they know.

It is possible that Jan has sex with sheep. Only she knows.

In America we expect that individual hard work will result in financial success, and that holders of great wealth will responsibly administer their largesse. When riches come through windfall or ploy, expectations can derail.

When one writes for the GOP USA, expectations tend to derail as well. And we're talking serious train wreck.

The Dark Window's Newest Feature

2004-08-19T00:10:00.000-07:00

If you're interested in Dark Window syndication, we have just discovered (thanks to 3Mote and Seb) our XML feed. I'm not entirely sure how to use it but it's right over there on the sidebar for your enjoyment.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back Into Your Wardrobe

2004-08-18T00:20:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are new to the Dark Window, I would like to introduce a semi-regular feature here - one that we haven't done in a while. Every so often the Dark Window takes a look at cutting-edge End Times witnessing tools for Christians of the Wing Nut variety. Please note that we are not slamming Christians. Just those who would exploit Christianity for various acts of Wing Nuttery and profit. Okay, enough with the disclaimer.

Today we're going to examine some t-shirts made by our friends at Christian Outfitters. If you haven't heard of Christian Outfitters before, well, they're kind of like the Coors Light of Right Wing Christianity. Here are some of their finest offerings. And in case you missed the runway shows, this is what all the most fashionable Wing Nuts are wearing this season.

And racist by the grace of God.

Looks like maybe the Saviour should have washed his hands first, though.

That one's kind of hard to read. The text says: "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin againist Thee." Unseen text on the back reads: "But since that didn't work, I swallowed my cross."

Save yourself some time and effort. Get six poor kids from Indonesia to pray for you instead.

But not feeling so well!

No explanation really necessary on that one, I think.

I don't mean to sound negative but does that look like somebody you'd want to let in?

Because he's currently vacationing in the south of France.

"Hey, ya know...He looked like a furiner. How tha hell was I supposed ta know who he was? This is Texas after all."

Translation: God took my smug ass to heaven and all you get is this lousy used t-shirt.

Hopefully you've been as enlightened by these uplifting designs as I, Dear Readers. If you still want more Wing Nuttism, I point you to a couple of our past installments:

More Fun With Christian T-Shirts
Even More Fun With Christian T-Shirts
Kirk Cameron Shows Us The Way Of The Master

In the meantime, please dress responsibly. And don't forget to tune in next time for another action-packed episode of Adventures In End Times Witnessing!

A Brilliant Plan To Escape The Sodomites

2004-08-17T00:20:00.000-07:00

Not long after the Dark Window first opened back in May we brought you the story of a very special Wing Nut group called Christian Exodus. They're the ones that wanted to take over an entire state and form their own godly government, mainly because homosexuals were taking over the towns and cities in which they were trying to live. Back then the plan was still pretty hazy and even the group's President, when asked what the state's new laws would be, replied, "Independence first, details later."

Well, our friends at Christian Exodus are back in the news and this time their story is being told by an organization ~~far more respected than~~ other than World Net Daily. Yes, Fox News is currently running a piece entitled A Free (and Christian) South Carolina?.

Nearly 140 years after the Civil War, another group of Americans wants to secede from the union.

Christian Exodus, a California-based group, wants God to be its commander in chief. Decrying what it perceives as the unjust secularization of the United States, it wants a sovereign state of its own.

But rather than eye the Golden State — a "lost cause," says the group's founder — it'll settle for South Carolina.

I'm sure the good people of South Carolina will be pleased about that on several levels. Here's the plan:

Phase One of the group's "plan of action" in breaking down the wall between church and state is to enlist groups of 1,000 members to move into 12 designated House districts in South Carolina, with the goal of voting 12 "Christian sovereigntists" into the state government by 2008.

Subsequent similar phases will then go into effect. If by 2016 group leaders have not achieved the kind of government they want, Christian Exodus will throw down the gauntlet and seek independence.

Right. Subsequent similar phases. So just who are these godly visionaries?

The group comprises "mainstream evangelical Christians" who oppose abortion under all circumstances, want prayer in schools and hope to live far from "sodomites."

Living "far from sodomites" appears to be the main motivating factor for group members. How do I know this? Well, let's take a trip over to the Christian Exodus website. If you're an actual sodomite, I would encourage you not to get too close.

The first thing we are greeted with is this scary headline in large, bold print:

THE PROBLEM

Directly beneath that is the following photo:

Well, those girls do seem pretty scary and evil. You're then asked to click on the photo of the Satan Girls to see another representation of the problem.

Yes, dear readers, happiness and smiling will definitely be frowned upon in the new land of Christiania. But lest you think the problem only involves happy homosexuals, Christian Exodus goes on to list a few other evils as well.

- Abortion continues against the wishes of many States
- Sodomite marriage is now legal in Massachusetts (and coming soon to a neighborhood near you)
- Children who pray in public schools are subject to prosecution
- Our schools continue to teach the discredited theory of Darwinian evolution
- The Bible is still not welcome in schools except under unconstitutional FEDERAL guidelines
- The 10 Commandments remain banned from public display
- Sodomy is now legal AND celebrated as "diversity" rather than condemned as perversion
- Preaching Christianity will soon be outlawed as "hate speech"

And there's also this helpful warning:

Attempts at reform have proven futile. Future elections will not stop the above atrocities, but rather will exacerbate them and lead us down an even more deadly path.

That's right. Today it's only the homos that are happy. If we vote tomorrow, we may very well find ourselves confronted with atrocities like happy biologists or even happy Muslims. And if the thought of happy Muslims doesn't make you want to puke then you're probably a treasonous liberal sissy.

To see what kind of progress Christian Exodus has been making during the past 3 months, I decided to read the inaugural "President's Column". Unfortunately, things appear not to be running entirely smoothly.

The second topic I must discuss is the existence of opposition to ChristianExodus.org. It should come as no surprise that in a nation of 280 million people, many of whom hate Christianity, we will come up against folks who disagree with us.

It's that damn diversity!

Well, some hate Christians so much they are even willing to commit fraud. Recently our discussion boards have come under attack by imposters claiming to be my wife and/or me. These lunatics then say the most revolting and vile things in the hopes of confusing our faithful readers and damaging our efforts. So please remember these two simple facts and scrutinize any posts or e-mails claiming to be authored by my wife or myself.

Remember, fellow patriots...In the future, you are only to read the vile things written by this guy because everybody else appearing to be a lunatic will be faking it:

President Cory Burnell

And besides, his wife knows her role and doesn't post.

1. My wife does not participate online with CE in any way, shape or form. Therefore, NO posts claiming to be from her are authentic.

Dang. I'd kind of hoped for a photo. Fortunately, the news is not all bad.

I am happy to report that we continue to experience success, as Christians from around the country join our ranks and express support for our strategy. It now requires the most earnest dedication from our members to promote ChristianExodus.org to friends and family, and to stay the course. We have a tremendous battle in front of us for the next 10 years, so perseverance and persistence on our part is an absolute necessity. If we will stay the course, we will witness the most amazing events in the history of our nation. We are truly blazing a new trail that will end with the successful re-establishment of constitutionally limited government founded upon Christian principles. Government in America will once again glorify the Creator.

Their trail seems to be blazing alright. I'll give them that. Be sure to check back with the Dark Window in ten years for the exciting conclusion to our story. In the meantime, feel free to post your own vile lunacy at the Christian Exodus site.

Corrupt The System

2004-08-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

It's Monday here at the Dark Window and that means just one thing...It's Cheap Publicity Stunt Time!

Yes, the Washington Post is accepting nominations for your favorite politically-oriented blogs.

So vote early. Vote often. And whatever you do, don't vote your conscience because I'll pay* you if you vote for me!

(Thanks to Vox for the link)

* Pay, meaning thank