The Dark Window

Defenestration

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Wed, 08 Dec 2004 21:59:00 +0000

We would like to apologize for the recent lack of posting here at the Dark Window. Unfortunately, due to several recent events, the Window will probably be remaining dark for quite some time to come. Indefinitely, one might say. We hope this doesn't cause too much inconvenience (although we have a very hard time imagining what, exactly, that inconvenience might be). If you miss our sarcastic take on life in the meantime, we strongly urge you to read (daily) our two favorite humorous blogs: World o'Crap and Sadly, No! as well as the other fine websites listed over to your right.

We hope to be back with our usual inane commentary sometime in the not-too-distant future but, well, we can't really make any promises. Just recognize our awareness that a day without Debbie Daniel is a sad day indeed.

- ~~The Management~~ Pete

Prepare to be doubly horrified

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Wed, 24 Nov 2004 13:39:00 +0000

Well dear friends, it has now come to this. Pete M. is away and who should show up but us, Sadly, No! If there ever was a time when the name of our blog was a fitting response, that time is now. In order to help you deal with this temporary transition, we have prepared a Questions & Answers post below -- a comedic device invented by us over the weekend and used for the first time ever here.

Q: Dear Sadly: While I kind of tolerate your "humour" over at your blog, the last thing I need when I visit The Dark Window is more of that crap and less of Pete M. goodness. Aren't you in effect replacing our diet of Alpo Supreme with drinking out of the toilet by posting here?

A: Questions such as these -- they're reminders to all Americans that they need to watch what they say, watch what they do. This is not a time for remarks like that; there never is.

Q: Well, as long as you're here, do you know what has become of Amber Pawlik?
A: Yes. Amber has decided not to write anymore unless she gets paid for it. Unsurprisingly, this means she isn't writing anymore.

Q: Have you offered to pay her with gratuitous insults and childish remarks about her appearance?
A: Our accountants have told us our account is overdrawn.

Q: So why am I reading this blog?
A: Because it's on the internet!

Q: Is is true that Carey Roberts is 134 years old?
A: No. That picture was taken two years ago. .

Q: Is Roberts insane?
A: Looks that way to us:

According to socialist-feminist theory, a vast anti-female conspiracy known as the "patriarchy" controls the social order. When you ask a feminist to explain that mind-boggling statement, she invariably points to the fact that the great majority of elected officials are male. And according to the Marxist analysis, those callous male patriarchs look out only for their own kind, leaving women neglected and downtrodden.

Q: What does chivalry mean according to Roberts?
A: It means that men should support the children they father, and neither beat nor sexually harass women.

Q: You're joking, right?
A: Sadly, No!

Q: Are you going to introduce us to new wingnuts while you're here, or are you just going to ridicule whatever crap you find on Renew America or WorldNetDaily.
A: That depends -- are you familiar with Justin Darr or Judson Cox?

Q: Never mind -- looks like we know the answer.
A: You're welcome.

Thank You

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Tue, 23 Nov 2004 18:33:00 +0000

I would like to take a moment to offer my sincere gratitude to everybody who sent such lovely thoughts, condolences, and encouragement during the last few days. I was very touched by all the warm wishes and kind sentiments. Everything you wrote and said made things a little easier and a little less lonely.

And now for a bit of good news. After my friend Sunny's memorial celebration this evening, I'm going to be leaving town for a few days. What's the good news there, you ask? Well, the good news is that this blog will probably become funnier while I'm gone than it's ever been before.

You see, the self-proclaimed third-funniest person on the internet may (or may not) stop by to keep you entertained in my absence (Note my relative position on his list). So keep checking back if you want to howl with derisive laughter at one of the legendary humorists of ~~Canadian descent living in central Germany~~ our time.

Again, thank you for all the encouragement and warm thoughts. And thank you for sharing the memory and magic of my dear friend. I'll see you next week.

Sunny

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Fri, 19 Nov 2004 12:49:00 +0000

My friend Sunny Perkins died this week from severe injuries sustained in an automobile accident far too horrible for me to describe. She was an artist. She was a dancer. She was unbelievably beautiful. She was warm and she was caring and she gave without asking anything in return. She was 27 years old.

I have no idea how to offer any sort of appropriate tribute. Anything I might include would be far outweighed by what I forgot to mention and that thought makes me want to stop right here.

But let me show you a photograph.

That was taken the night I met Sunny. Cagney and Harlow have nothing on us, we said as we laughed. We always laughed. And then as that crazy party raged all around us, we somehow found a quiet corner and Sunny mentioned Saul Bass (who mentions Saul Bass?) and I said, Saul Bass? Are you kidding me? and we knew right then that we shared a glorious dark bond and a warm, kindred spirit.

I find myself hating words at this moment. Words (especially my words) cannot begin to convey the life and fire and magic of this luminous girl. At a time when words are all I have, words have become meaningless.

I'm sitting here at my desk trying to hold on to some piece of you, Sunny, but you're disappearing and I'm terrified because of it. I feel like I'm trying to hold water in my hands. No matter how hard I try, it slips through my grasp, and nothing I can do or say or even write will change this.

So since I have no words, I'll simply offer a memory.

It's one of those magical drizzly winter evenings we only have in San Francisco. You know the kind. We're sitting at the bar in a nearly empty 500 Club drinking Mandarin and Sodas and you decide we need to play a game of pinball. Sure, I say, but you're going to lose. You laugh and punch me in the arm (a little too hard, I might add) and we amble over to the machine. I put a couple of quarters in and you kiss me on the cheek but I'm already focusing on the game with the competitive ferocity of a 6 year-old. And we play and we play and we tell each other dumb stories and we listen to endless songs by the Cure and the Smiths and every so often we look out through the open door and see the lights glowing softly outside in the real world and realize there's no place we need to be, no place we need to go, and we're simply here and we're happy and it's now. And then we look at each other and we giggle like little kids and you jab my flipper so I'll miss the ball and by the time we've finished laughing we can't figure out who won anyway.

Farewell, Sunny. I love you. I always loved you. I'm sorry I never told you those kinds of things while you were here.

Sharing Christ's Love Against The Homos

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Wed, 10 Nov 2004 09:17:00 +0000

When we first began the Dark Window back in May, we wrote a few pieces about one of our all-time favorite Wing Nuts: Jack Chick. Unfortunately, for reasons that were explained at the time, we were forced to stop linking to his delightful comics (something which still causes us great sadness). Maybe you know the ones we're talking about. The comics with devils running around saying "Haw Haw" and people getting consigned to the fires of hell on a nearly page-by-page basis.

In spite of our inability to link to his cartoons, we still check in on his website regularly (even if we don't write about him) because, well, there's nobody even remotely like Jack. If you're curious, make sure you check out some of his legendary tracts. We especially recommend "Big Daddy," "Angels," "Dark Dungeons," and "The Tycoon."

As we were enjoying Jack's latest newsletter, we came across a rather extraordinary article. It seems that a group of street witnessers was jailed in Philadelphia for sharing God's love with homosexuals.

Hate speech laws are gaining momentum but a test case is in court in Philadelphia. Eleven members of a street witnessing team from Repent America were arrested and jailed for 21 hours. The team was attempting to witness at a homosexual "Outfest" on public property.

Repent America. That name rang a bell and then I remembered why. They made a big scene here in San Francisco when the gay marriages were taking place. They forced their way into the courthouse and tried to save marriage by preventing anybody there from getting married. Maybe you've seen some of the Christ-like photos:

I'm just going to be honest with you here. If a man wears a fanny pack in public, he should be arrested simply on principle.

So what happened when our friends took their show to Philadelphia? Something we're having a very hard time understanding. Listen:

The original charges read to them included three felonies and five misdemeanors. Felonies were for "ethnic intimidation," "criminal conspiracy," and "possession of instruments of crime." Misdemeanors included "riot," "failure to disperse," and "disorderly conduct." If convicted as charged, they could face up to 47 years in prison. One member of the team, a 67-year-old woman is still in custody at this writing on a previous warrant in connection with an abortion clinic protest 9 years ago, that she had been told was cleared.

Ethnic Intimidation. I just want you to think about that one for a moment.

Say hi to the Red State Jesus, ladies and gentlemen. As long as you're white, that is.

World Net Daily Explains Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Tue, 09 Nov 2004 09:05:00 +0000

Sex is bad.

That's pretty much all you need to know if you're going to be a good values-driven Right Wing Nut.

Fortunately, World Net Daily, one of the largest conservative "news" organizations on the Internet, is all over this "sex" thing today with a couple of helpful articles talking about how more people are having sex than ever before and that this is all the fault of one certain Democrat.

First off, we have Joseph Farah, that lovely paragon of Christian charity and love, the editor-in-chief of World Net Daily, explaining to us that Democrats who claim to be Christians are lying. Here's how he responds to a question Patricia Ireland, former president of NOW, recently asked:

She asked during a debate on the Fox News Channel: "If ... lesbian and gay rights issues were such a serious kind of value, a core value, why did Jesus never talk about them?"

Of course, the answer is that homosexuals have no special rights that distinguish what they do and who they are. They have only the same rights the rest of humanity has. The question should be more appropriately asked of people like Ireland, who pretend to be Christians, while asserting values that are contrary to the Christian faith and the Judeo-Christian tradition.

So we now have a new standard in matters of faith. If Joe says you aren't a Christian, then you damn well aren't a Christian.

God's Right Hand Man

Not surprisingly, Farah decides to use his power on more than simply Patricia.

My point is that people like Patricia Ireland, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton like to pretend they are operating under the same value system that led to Western Civilization, the same value system that resulted in the founding of America, the same value system that was taught by Jesus and the Hebrew prophets before Him.

They are not.

And then our militaristic friend goes on to say something fairly extraordinary:

It doesn't matter to them what Jesus taught. But they know it still matters to enough Americans. And if enough Americans see through their charade, then they can't win elections. And if they can't win elections, they can't impose their different morality on you.

Fortunately, Farah cares about all the things that Jesus taught.

Let's leave Holy Joe behind for a moment and move on to even more pornographic pastures. You see, World Net Daily's subscription magazine, The Whistleblower, is all about sex this month. And how sex is bad. And how in the 1950s nobody ever had sex outside of wedlock but now everybody does.

Whistleblower documents with devastating clarity exactly how America was transformed in five decades from the "Leave it to Beaver" innocence of the 1950s to today's wanton, "anything-goes" sexual anarchy:

Am I the only one who finds it funny that World Net Daily chose a television program called "Leave it to Beaver" to represent sexual purity? They might have been better off using that title as an argument against gay marriage.

First, there's the multi-billion-dollar pornography industry, which through the Internet is magically being transported into previously unreachable market territory – namely, the sanctity of millions of middle-class homes. There are 4.2 million pornographic websites – that's 12 percent of all websites in the world, totaling 372 million pornographic pages. Pornographic search engine requests total 68 million per day.

Given how many people find the Dark Window by actively searching for things like "Ann Coulter nude" or "Debbie Daniel spreads" or "Vox Day gardening in a pink thong," I've got to wonder just how innocent those sanctified middle-class homes really are.

And when it comes to passing blame for sin, you know what's coming next.

Then there is the youthful epidemic of "hooking up" – widespread, casual recreational sex, often with multiple partners. Turbo-charged by President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky's high-profile example – "if it's OK for the president, it must be OK for me" – middle and high school children are experimenting with sex in the bathroom stalls at school, behind the gym, and in the back of the school bus. More children, at earlier ages, are engaging in sexual acts than ever before.

That's right! It's all Clinton's fault! And it always will be!

Welcome to the new reality of loving Christian Wing Nut values. Just don't get on Farah's bad side or, you know, you're probably going to wind up in hell.

Debbie Daniel And The Exit Polls Of Doom

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Mon, 08 Nov 2004 09:19:00 +0000

It's no secret that everybody's trying to figure out exactly what happened during last Tuesday's election. Fortunately, we have our wise-beyond-years dear sweet precious Debbie Daniel to explain it to us.

Thanksgiving came early this year. I'm ready for a big turkey dinner . . . a feast . . . a celebration! Americans prayed and God answered . . . just like He always does.

Hooray for God!

This 2004 election was a referendum on the decency and morals of the American people. Christianity was being tested and there was a point where we had to let go and let God take control.

Mainly because Christianity was up the whole night before the election cramming for the test.

I experienced this first hand on Election Day when I realized there was not a single thing I could do to ward off the misinformation we were getting from the network media exit polls.

Kind of interesting that none of the network media was actually mentioning said exit polls.

They were absolutely manifesting situations that weren't happening, in hopes that we would buy into their propaganda and it would possibly make a difference in the outcome of the election.

Either Debbie was using her special powers to see a couple of hours into the future or Matt Drudge is now the network media. Either way, God help us.

I am absolutely convinced this is the case, but I couldn't prove it.

Have you ever heard a better Wing Nut slogan?

The exit polls were so far-fetched that I couldn't imagine what was going on. The media was determined to bring down the President and we could do nothing.

The frustration and helplessness I felt had just about consumed me with anger when I heard a still small voice speaking to me from a place deep in my heart saying, "Let go of it, Debbie . . . this is now in God's hands. There's nothing you can do."

That voice, of course, belonged to Herb – one of the other personalities fortunate enough to share Debbie's mind.

Debbie

Have we not seen a miracle?

Too bad Cecil B. DeMille wasn't around to make a movie about this miracle too. I can see it now: Charlton Heston (playing George W. of course) parts the red exit polls and escapes the evil clutches of Dan Rather (played by Yul Brenner in a bad wig). Edward G. Robinson reprises his role as Herb, the voice in Debbie's head.

Herb

We watched the network media "lose" to George Bush. It was as great a victory as the final countdown against Mr. Kerry. The look on their faces was a treasure to behold.

Maybe I'm missing something here but I don't remember any of the network media people talking about exit polls.

Unless I'm terribly mistaken, this will have a much more far-lasting effect than anyone can imagine. The network media's efforts were short of criminal in trying to sway public opinion with total untruths.

Short of criminal indeed.

I hope in the days ahead they will pay a heavy price for what was done.

You know, reporting the election results and stuff after the polls had closed.

And the media certainly gave no credence to the "prayer warriors" of this great land.

And they have the nerve to call themselves objective!

When people started praying . . . God listened . . . and He answered. That gave us a tremendous edge in this election, and you can't discount the power of prayer.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. No discounting allowed. The power of prayer is expensive. How else do you expect people like Benny Hinn and Paul Crouch to get so rich?

The heartland bled for Bush and the numbers show it. Power to the people . . . they've spoken again. Is the network media listening?

Is a trained psychiatrist?

Glamour Shot Swank Shares His Wisdom

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Fri, 05 Nov 2004 17:11:00 +0000

It should probably come as no surprise that our old friend Joseph Swank is out there crowing about the election and how it was a victory for God Himself. It should probably also come as no surprise that he's decided that John Kerry's loss has a great deal to do with the woman the Right loves to hate the most: Hillary.

His latest work of genius is entitled Dems Say 'Hillary For Pres'?? They Just Don't Get It!!

This morning’s NEW YORK TIMES’ Raymond Hernandez headlines his piece with "For the Moment, Mrs. Clinton Looks Like the Candidate to Beat."

Beat what? Beat the air? No doubt.

I don't even know what the hell that's supposed to mean, Joe.

If Hillary were posited, she’s another Kerry, like duh?

I'm beginning to think old Glamour Shot Swank's been spending too much time in the photo booth and not enough learning the English language.

Glamour Shot Swank

She’s a clone of Kerry and Edwards and Kennedy+put together.

Except that Swank will turn around tomorrow and say that she's not at all like them because she's so much more evil. It's amazing how these morons can say anything at all, whether it has any basis in reality, and nobody challenges them.

She’s a reminder of the Bill Clinton who did absolutely nothing for Kerry in the final days of the Dem campaign.

You know, the guy who'd just had heart surgery...

There was Diane Sawyer stroking Billy boy like a mamma patting her little boy. It was the interview of laughs and smiles and kiss-ups major. Diane asked about his heart surgery. How was he feeling now? She hoped he wasn’t pushing it with all the speeches he was delivering. And yadayadayada and more of same for a whole hour. It was enough to give stomach cramps.

Uh huh. Anybody in the media who'd show respect to a former President (especially one who'd just had heart surgery) is a fraud. These are the Christian Values Swank keeps talking about. Keep that in mind.

Yet with all that adulation, Billy boy did absolutely nothing for Kerry and Team. Do the Dems think that Billy boy standing alongside Hillary in four years is going to do anything for the Dems but damn them to oblivion?

So Kerry lost because Clinton did nothing. And Hillary will likewise lose because Clinton will do something. Glamour Shot is arguing two completely opposite points in one paragraph.

Dems needs to find a Bush clone. Surely there must be a Bush clone in their vast display. Now come now. Not all Dems are stupid. So let the Dems fish around for a Bushite to put up — one with biblical morals and principles and a lifestyle in keeping with the outlandish voting block that put GWB back in the Oval Office.

Looks like somebody found a crack pipe while wandering through the mall.

If the Dems can’t scour around for that kind of candidate, they may as well hang up their hearts on a willow tree for there’s nothing left.

If we're reduced to finding a candidate like George W. then there really is nothing left.

Jesus Christ Slam Dunks The Left!

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Fri, 05 Nov 2004 09:05:00 +0000

That's Jerry Falwell's take on the election anyway. He's got a new piece out entitled The Left Threw Its Best Punch ... and Failed.

Tuesday’s re-election of President George W. Bush and the election of a number of new conservative lawmakers across the nation astonished liberal newsmen, pundits and handlers who, hours earlier, had believed allegedly rigged exit polls and were confidently whispering that a new mandate was going to sweep the nation.

Kind of like those millions of people who believed allegedly moronic snake oil salesmen and confidently voted to keep things exactly as they are.

And speaking of allegations, this might be a good time to make something clear. I don't write these things because I'm anti-Christian. If you would like to know the truth, I even went to graduate seminary. Most members of my family (whom I love very much) live in red states and most of them are Christians. My dad and grandfather are even pastors.

My point in saying all this is that we at the Dark Window are not here to mock anybody's faith or to blame this election on 50 million "dumb people" out there in the dark middle of our continent. We actually find it somewhat distressing (and entirely counterproductive) that so many on the Left are doing this.

What we are saying is that (a) we have to begin to find ways to make inroads with those people who voted the way they did and (b) we also have to point out the idiocy of those who would use faith as a weapon to bludgeon their political opponents.

I know I've said this a thousand times but I'll say it again: Many of those church-going people in the middle of the country would be very well served by Left Wing ideals. We need to start sharing a positive (and clear) message with them rather than simply defining ourselves by who we aren't. This is certainly not an impossible challenge. Of course it's also not an easy one.

But back to Jerry.

So what happened? After more than 25 years since I formed the Moral Majority and began mobilizing evangelicals to participate in the political process, I actually realized the fruit of my labors nationwide as Macel and I watched the election returns into the early hours of Wednesday.

Kind of a coincidence. I recognized a genuine fruit as I read this column.

I could not hold back the tears of joy.

While Macel couldn't stop crying about the fact that her husband has man-breasts.

Dark Window Exclusive: Jerry can't hold back on the sensual dance moves during his election celebration.

Hour by hour, we observed a "slam dunk" as the Church of Jesus Christ made the difference in initiating the return of this nation to moral sanity and the Judeo-Christian ethic.

We talked about this yesterday here at the Dark Window but it bears repeating. Think about how idiotic that statement is. Jerry's telling us that by re-electing the same President and keeping the same party in control of Congress we've initiated some sort of drastic change. He also not-so-subtly implies that this "change" will cause our nation to become an idyllic Godly paradise.

The so-called political experts had forgotten to count a significant voting bloc, namely the millions of evangelical voters who went to the polls in droves to “vote Christian.”

And by "vote Christian," Jerry is talking about gays and guns. But when you think about it, why else did Christ bother to come to earth than for those two reasons?

I’m not suggesting that we elected a bunch of fire-and-brimstone evangelists to office this week, but Christians collectively determined which candidates most closely held ideals that parallel our own biblically-based moral values and we went to the polls to support those candidates.

I'm not going to suggest that one party has any monopoly on moral values. The Left certainly doesn't. But by that same token, the Right obviously doesn't either. Yet millions of people believe the Right Wing noise machine shrieking forth just that idea day after day.

Want something to do? Start figuring out ways to counteract that message.

Thousands of pastors were stirring their congregations to distinguish the issues, know the combatants and be geared up to vote.

I don't even want to mock that because by doing so I might lessen its impact. It's terrifying but let it sink in.

We have to acknowledge that millions of people out there went to church last Sunday and received Christian Coalition voter guides that showed which candidates stood where on a few very targeted Right Wing issues. That's a place where we had no voice at all.

We should all feel a sense of accomplishment and thankfulness to God for blessing our efforts. We must never forget that people of faith in this country, joined by political and fiscal conservatives, successfully withstood Hollywood, Springsteen, Affleck, Baldwin, the Dixie Chicks (now called the French Hens by some), billionaire George Soros and his ilk, all the 527s, most of the national print and broadcast media, the gays and lesbians, the abortionists, the entire liberal establishment... and about $2 billion of hate-inspired media and campaign expenditures.

The irony we're dealing with here is extreme. We've come to a point where Jerry Falwell (the guy who blamed the ACLU for 9/11) can cast his opponents as hate-inspired evil-doers with complete impunity.

The left threw its best punch and George Bush and social conservatism are alive and well. To God be all the glory!

Via Jerry and Pat, of course!

“If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land” (II Chronicles 7:14).

Again and again we hear this refrain. Our nation has repented and made a great change by keeping the same people in office. Unfortunately, nobody seems to be countering this asinine argument.

That verse is more powerful than any exit poll. And it will sustain us against any rising political tide that seeks to counter biblical morality, if we remain true to that verse’s unique guidelines.

The groundwork is already being laid. Jerry and friends have already begun to instruct their flocks that any political movement which questions the leadership of Mr. Bush is questioning the Bible itself. This is a fight we have to join now because the Right isn't wasting any time.

Now that we have acted, we cannot rest for long.

Let us commit to continuing Tuesday’s mandate by keeping our nation, our leaders and the peace of Jerusalem at the forefront of our prayers and efforts.

Tomorrow is now, readers. If you don't do something, nobody will.

Update: Steve M. (no known relation to me) over at No More Mister Nice Blog has a great take on the kinds of Christian values the Wing Nuts keep espousing. Go check it out.

Thrilling Days of Yesteryear

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Fri, 05 Nov 2004 01:21:00 +0000

We'd like to offer our warmest congratulations to our friend Ivan Shreve (you may know him from the Dark Window or World o'Crap comment sections) who runs one of the coolest sites anywhere on the web - a site that is celebrating its one-year anniversary today. It's called Thrilling Days of Yesteryear and offers a delightful daily meditation on the magic and wonder of old Hollywood films and old-time radio. If you have any interest at all in those things, you'll find the site invaluable. We very much like Ivan and are pretty certain you will too. He always has a kind word and an infectious optimism and he knows more about old-time radio and film than any human being has a right to know. Please stop by and wish him well.

Asking Why

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Thu, 04 Nov 2004 09:05:00 +0000

I've been asked several times since I started this blog why I spend so much time and energy writing about such seemingly fringe characters. Well, the answer is simple. They're not nearly as far to the fringe as you probably think. Hopefully Tuesday's election will serve as a good wake-up call.

Just check out what Hal Lindsey had to say about Bush's victory:

In my opinion, this whole drama shows that God is still on the throne and that He has a further purpose for the United States in these last days’ events.

Where else would God be, Hal? In the bathroom? At the mall?

If you know the paradoxical nature of Lindsey's political/eschatological teachings concering the United States, you know that what he believes to be God's "further purpose for the United States in these last days" is not a pretty thing.

The point I'm trying to make is that people like Hal Lindsey have a vast influence out there in the hinterland, an influence that we on the coasts may never notice. But it's certainly there and, unfortunately, it's a very visceral influence.

It is definitely grace for America and a chance to repent and turn back to the faith of our Fathers who sacrificed to establish this unique experiment in freedom and Judeo-Christian values that are woven into our foundation documents.

Stop and think about that argument for a moment. Repent means to change direction completely. Repent means to recognize one's faults and then purpose to change them. If you repent, you change your mind and your way of life. For far too long, we've allowed the Right to say whatever they want with complete impunity, without challenging idiotic statements like the one above. Do you realize how many people voted for George W. Bush because they wanted change? That's how far we've let them go.

You probably think Hal's a nut. I agree. But don't make the mistake of thinking he's a marginal character. Hal Lindsey (and Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell) won this election for Mr. Bush. It was religious leaders exactly like them who managed to energize such a large portion of our population to vote and vote heavily for "traditional values."

Dr. James Dobson is another good example of this. Today, he had this to say about the election:

This election is a resounding victory in the battle for American families. We applaud the re-election of President Bush, who has shown himself a true champion for the family and of traditional values.

Herein lies the problem. The Right has so long been allowed to dominate the cultural debate that people whose lives would actually be helped by Democratic policies (whether workers or the uninsured or whoever) are voting against their own self-interests because of what they believe to be the interests of God Himself.

We further celebrate the overwhelming successes of pro-family candidates in other races, and in the 11 states that passed amendments to their constitutions protecting traditional marriage. The victorious difference was made by 'values voters,' who have sent the clear message that morality in America is alive and well.

They sent a clear message alright, although not that one. And it's a message we'd better start paying attention to. Fast.

It's precisely because the Left ignored that message that it was so devastated during this election. People all across the fruited plain were energized by the idea that they were casting a vote for good and against evil. We on the Left have so allowed the opposition to frame and define us (without ever defining ourselves) that vast swaths of this country now equate liberalism with evil itself. Until we begin to counter that, we'll never compete.

If you want to know just what the hell I'm talking about, consider this: Massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the nation. John Kerry's gay marriage Massachusetts. That's how much the other side owns this debate.

The passage of 11 marriage amendments, combined with similar measures passed thus far by six other states, is the result of a tremendous grass-roots effort that has sprung up across the country. As we continue the call for an amendment to the U.S. Constitution, this election's victories once again demonstrate that American voters believe in traditional marriage.

As these words have hopefully made clear, we ignore the Wing Nuts at our own peril.

Where Now?

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Wed, 03 Nov 2004 18:04:00 +0000

It's kind of like waking up to a four-year collective hangover, vaguely remembering that something bad happened last night, and then looking over to see Ann Coulter sleeping peacefully next to you.

WHAAAAAAA!!!! How'd she get there??? I hope I didn't...

Okay, okay, put down the baseball bat and try to think this through reasonably.

So what happens now? Obviously, many things are going to change (just as many things we hoped would change won't). The optimism and sense of purpose that has graced the left wing blogs these past few months is rapidly dissipating. Fortunately, we at the Dark Window never had either of those qualities to begin with.

Still, we have many lessons to learn and many problems to analyze before we can move on. What happened to bring us to this point? Where are we as a nation and where can we realistically go? How do we begin to bridge this vast social gap dividing our country? Only once we understand a defeat can we mitigate its effects and (hopefully) prevent its recurrence.

In the meantime, we here at the Dark Window will continue to mock those we feel deserve mocking. Rather than them going away, we kind of suspect they'll come scurrying out of the woodwork and will probably even multiply. And as long as they do, we'll be here to smack them back down.

We're not going anywhere. We won't disappear into the night. We love this country even more than we love France and if there's one thing we believe in, it's that we must dedicate ourselves to leaving it a better place. Even when this isn't easy. Especially when it isn't fun.

Take heart. This hangover isn't eternal.

Just don't mention the Ann Coulter thing to anybody...

Today Is Your Day

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Tue, 02 Nov 2004 09:07:00 +0000

No mocking today (there will be plenty of time for that tomorrow - no matter the outcome). Instead, I'd like to point you to a blog entry by my friend Steve over at It Looks Like This. He's written a piece entitled Why I'm in Reno, a very moving piece that, to me, splendidly describes just where we find ourselves today.

Today is your day. Today is our day. Let's make a difference.

The Poker Face Of George W. Bush

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Mon, 01 Nov 2004 17:55:00 +0000

Thanks to reader SocraticSilence, our attention was drawn to a fine article about our fearless President over at NewsMax. It's called The Poker Game: Bush vs. Kerry on 9/11 and it's by Joan Marie Nagy.

Imagine, if you will, that in the world of international power and intrigue a high-stakes poker game is being played. The stakes: Western civilization. The game: 9/11.

As soon as you look over at the guy wearing the wire and scowling, though, you know this is no ordinary game of Texas Stud.

The cards are dealt. Nines and aces are wild. The game begins when war is unofficially declared.

When President Bush learned of the Sept. 11 attacks, what the world saw was the classic poker face, the non-reaction reaction. What Bush understood, in that split second, was that not only would the entire world be watching his reaction, so, too, would the next wave of terrorists.

Yep. That's exactly what I gathered by watching his face. Split-second recognition of complex issues and an instant understanding that he'd only defeat the terrorists by sitting in a small chair with a children's book in his hands.

The "non-reaction reaction"

The terrorists would study his reaction and gather valuable information on how he would play his next hand. His reaction would reveal to them the sum of his mettle as a man and the tenacity of his exploits as their future opponent.

And his reaction had them quaking in their sandals, ladies and gentlemen. How could they have possibly known he'd keep reading that book?

With a steely determination the president’s expressionless gaze moved across the room and seemed to look out beyond the walls and into the future.

'I wonder what's for dinner tonight,' he thought bravely. 'I wonder if this means I have to eat with Dick and Karl again.'

What cards was Bush holding close to his vest?

I think that was Andrew Card, telling the President what had happened. Wise of him to ignore it.

Did he have three of a kind, a straight, or a royal flush? Who could tell?

Certainly not the President.

Bush’s expression was unreadable, his demeanor calm, his mind calculating.

His reading skills at a grade-school level.

The terrorists watching must have been disappointed with the cool, composed and measured response.

If by cool, composed and measured response, you mean no response, then yes. They must have been.

Bush gave the terrorists nothing that day.

No kidding, huh.

Sen. John Kerry, a power wannabe, not even in the game, eagerly reveals how he would have played his hand. The elite French appeaser quickly lays all his cards on the table with childlike enthusiasm in an effort to prove that he is smarter than his opponent. He criticized Bush for sitting still and continuing his agenda.

Let's just be clear about something. Bush's agenda was to read My Pet Goat with schoolchildren.

Kerry’s strategy: Had he been in the game he would have quickly jumped up, explained to the “kids” in the room that he had important business to attend to and rushed off as the big and important person he was, or as he perceives himself to be.

Yes, nothing big and important about being President of the United States.

In doing so, he would have undeniably confirmed himself to be of French descent, inadvertently revealing himself to be a reactionary, willing to act before being in command of all the facts, easily read and, even more important, easily led – in essence, a puppet.

Interesting logic. Immediately trying to ascertain what has happened and deciding what to do makes one French and a puppet. Sitting and waiting for one's handlers makes one a steely man of decisive power.

Great truths are often revealed in small arenas. In this high-stakes poker game, where our lives are in the balance, we can choose to have our hand played with the caginess of a panther or the weakness of a puppet.

Or, in the case of NewsMax, with the nuttiness of a walnut tree.

The Liberal Oasis

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Mon, 01 Nov 2004 17:49:00 +0000

I'd like to take a moment to point you to an excellent resource which you may not yet be using. It's called The Liberal Oasis and is something you should find quite helpful during the next couple of crazy election-filled days. The Liberal Oasis is an information center of sorts and does a fantastic job of highlighting what's going on in the political world and then sending you to various blogs to find out more. If it's not in your bookmarks, it should be.

Bay Area Bloggers Throw Down

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Fri, 29 Oct 2004 08:05:00 +0000

Several famed Bay Area Bloggers and Readers (and me) gathered last evening in Oakland to prove to the world that Philadelphia no longer has a monopoly on drunken blogging. We'll profile some of the fine folks who showed up over the next several days but for now I leave you with a terrifying glimpse into the high-powered world of Bay Area Political Blogging:

The idiot on the right is me (yes, I always drink my beer through a straw). I'll let the guy on the left retain his secret identity (unless he chooses to reveal it). It's obvious to all but the most liberally-biased media that the girl in the background is overwhelmed by our importance and on her way to alert the paparazzi.

Generik has the rest of the story and several more photos. Note carefully the massive number of beer glasses in certain photos. We will refrain from naming the girl responsible for drinking all of them.

Update: The guy on the left can now safely be revealed. It's John, the Bay City legend behind Blogenlust.

Blame The Media!

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Fri, 29 Oct 2004 08:02:00 +0000

You've all heard the familiar Wing Nut refrain about liberal media bias and how the mainstream media constantly suppresses facts to help liberal candidates and causes. So just what would those Wing Nuts have us read instead? How about this excellent piece of reporting from NewsMax. It's a story entitled Edwards Parrots New York Times' Fiction.

The novice legislator who wants to be one heartbeat from the presidency either is too stupid to understand the phoniness of the New York Times' latest fiction about Iraq or thinks the American people are too stupid to understand.

I can think of one other possibility involving stupidity that Carl Limbacher and the boys at NewsMax failed to mention.

Or perhaps Democrat airhead apparent John Edwards is just doing his handlers' bidding: the old Democrat trick of repeating a lie often enough until people believe it.

Yeah, that must be it.

Edwards claimed today in Wilmington, Ohio: "These are exactly the kind of explosives terrorists want. They're the dangerous weapons we wanted to keep from falling in the hands of terrorists. And now these explosives are out there, and we have no idea who's got them. Dick Cheney calls that a remarkable success."

He failed to mention that the pro-Democrat Times, whose recent endorsement of the Kerry-Edwards ticket was the nation's most obvious redundancy since the coining of the term "liberal media bias," refused to report reality, which even NBC reported: that the explosives were already missing from Al-Qaqaa when GIs got there a mere one day after Saddam Hussein's fall.

Ah, yes...Reality.

But back to good old liberal unreality for a moment:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - ABC News on Thursday showed video that appeared to confirm that explosives that went missing in Iraq (news - web sites) did not disappear until after the United States had taken control of the facility where they were stored.

ABC said the video was shot by an affiliate TV station embedded with the 101st Airborne Division when members of the division passed through the facility on April 18, nine days after the fall of Baghdad.

So how did our reality-dwelling leader respond to this report? He sent Rudy Giuliani out to say this (via Atrios):

The president was cautious the president was prudent the president did what a commander in chief should do. No matter how you try to blame it on the president the actual responsibility for it really would be for the troops that were there. Did they search carefully enough? Didn't they search carefully enough?

So was Rudy right? Do we blame the troops? Or should we blame the President? Fortunately, one brave man is here to tell us so we don't have to think too hard about it. Take it away, Rush!

"The 3rd Infantry division, these are not slackers. These are heroes. They didn't see the stuff when they got to the Al Qaqaa dump on April the 6th. The 101st Airborne, they're not slackers either, and they didn't find it when we got there on April the 10th. So it continues to be a story largely made up, an old story, by the way. This is not new."

So here's what we have. The Wing Nuts tell us that this story is made up. ABC says it isn't made up so Rudy comes out and blames the troops. Rush says the troops can't be responsible and since that would kind of make it seem like the President was responsible, he blames the media. It's no wonder those on the Right like to think of themselves as the logical ones.

Just for context, here's another bit of Rush wisdom from yesterday's show:

"You know me. I'm a big moon guy, lunar moon, I mean. I like looking up at the moon in the sky, when it rises over the ocean. There are many other moons. I'm not interested in those."

I don't even know where to begin...

You might say he's interested in moons or you might say he's not but if you're the media and say either of those things, then you're probably wrong.

A Message From God

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Thu, 28 Oct 2004 09:18:00 +0000

As is our custom here at the Dark Window, we have a special message for you from God. It comes, naturally, via Hal Lindsey's Oracle - the place "where religion and politics mix." Look carefully:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen...God has chosen to speak through Hal Lindsey the prophet via John Rule the cartoonist and his message couldn't be more clear.

Think about it. Would God have you vote for a bad drag queen who wears lipstick, does things that cause him to hang his head in shame, has a two-inch crotch, and uses the Bible to wipe his feet?

The answer is clear. Vote with your heart.

More tomorrow on why Bay Area Bloggers will soon take over the world.

Four Easy Pieces

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Wed, 27 Oct 2004 08:07:00 +0000

Have you ever been to the Rant? It's one of those Wing Nut sites that is so bizarre, so wacky, that basically every article you read there is worthy of attention. To prove it, I've randomly clicked upon four Rant articles (with my eyes closed, no less) and shall distill each into its Nut Essence.

First off, we have the Managing Editor of the Rant, Frank Salvato, with a heartwarming piece entitled John Kerry: The Scott Peterson of Politics. Why is John Kerry like a man on trial for killing his wife? Frank never says. Instead, he tells us that Kerry lied (and the Swift Boat Vets proved it) and then gives us this helpful piece of advice:

To Kerry’s supporters who walk around, anger in hand and eyes wide shut, I say wake up! John Kerry has lied all of his life and is still lying today. He’s lying about the security and well being of this nation. If you still choose to support John Kerry after the exposure of all his lies then I beg you not to go to the polls in November. You are either filled with politically created hatred or you are too stupid to vote.

And this, of course, is how a smart voter would look:

Likes to expose things

Next up, we have Matt Grills telling us that Jimmy Carter is a smoking peanut. What does he mean by this? Who the hell knows. But he does make a persuasive argument that Jimmy Carter is terribly stupid by quoting reader comments posted on the Little Green Football blog (and others). Here's one of the most salient:

“Jimmy Carter, failure given human form, has now said that the Revolutionary War was unnecessary. Was this guy really elected president ... during the Cold War?! Far as I heard, his only real accomplishment of note was getting Ronald Reagan elected ... While we work on ways to honor Reagan’s legacy, we should also be working on ways to dishonor Carter. I say we strike him from the record books. His portrait and name should be removed from all lists of presidents, and, if he is ever to be referred to, he shall be called ‘the failed president who has no name.’”

And then Matt, being the legendary columnist that he is, brings it all home with this analysis of what might have been:

Just for a second, let’s live in Carter’s universe: the Revolutionary War didn’t happen because man’s goodness helped him realize war is not the answer. Empire-building continues around the world, slavery is still a respected practice and Jimmy Carter doesn’t become president of anything. He’s just another peanut farmer.

On second thought, maybe that’s not so bad.

The Informed Speculator

Next, we have Chris Adamo with a piece entitled John Kerry’s Real Regard for Religion. After calling John Kerry's comments about Mary Cheney "ham fisted" (I don't even want to know), he tells us this about the Democratic ticket:

If Kerry and Edwards possess so little understanding of the Judeo-Christian foundations upon which this great nation was forged, they cannot possibly comprehend the nature of militant Islam that now seeks to annihilate it.

Brilliant!

Knows about ham-fisting

And finally, we have a delightful piece about Teresa Heinz "(Kerry)" by a fellow named JB Williams. Take it away, JB!

It’s a toss up as to whether Teresa Heinz (Kerry) should be named the new poster child for mad cow disease, or turrets syndrome. But one thing is becoming glaringly obvious; she shouldn’t be First Lady…

And why does JB think that?

Ms. Heinz (Kerry) is like a bad morph of Hillary Clinton and Marge Schott. She has the irreversible nasty socialist temperament of Hillary, and the irresponsible tendency to say the worst possible thing, at the worst possible time, like Marge. In short, she’s a one woman wrecking ball…

But then it gets even better:

Can you imagine her sitting across the table from foreign dignitaries after a cocktail or two? Unfortunately, I can, and it’s frightening…

And who's this cultured man with such in-depth knowledge of cocktails and foreign dignitaries?

The Frightened Sophisticate

So there you have it. Four delightfully informative articles from the Rant. Kind of makes you realize that the Wing Nuts are everywhere. Well, they're certainly at the Rant anyway.

West Coast Reminder

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Tue, 26 Oct 2004 17:26:00 +0000

If you've been reading this blog, Scaramouche, or Roger Ailes, you know that tomorrow evening (Wednesday, October 27th) is the first Bay Area Resident Blogger and Reader drinking/conversation night. We encourage everybody who writes, reads, or enjoys the blogs to come out for an evening of drinks and conversation. The inimitable Scaramouche has promised to liven things up by singing Ashlee Simpson songs until his voice goes.

We'll show up around 6:00 PM at Ben & Nick's Bar & Grill in Oakland's Rockridge district but people are welcome to come anytime (I'm guessing some of us will still be there until at least 9:00 or 10:00 - depending on Scaramouche's singing ability). The bar is located at 5612 College Avenue - just a half block from the Rockridge BART station and only a couple of short blocks from Freeway exits (Hwy 24).

More information tomorrow.

Sadly, Older!

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Mon, 25 Oct 2004 17:59:00 +0000

It's our good friend Seb's birthday today and, in honor of this fact, we'd like to list our all-time favorite Sadly, No! entries (that were not written by us):

So make sure you head on over and wish Seb a happy birthday!

Shopping At The Wing Nut Clearance Rack

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Mon, 25 Oct 2004 08:00:00 +0000

Just when you thought we'd exhausted our seemingly limitless supply of Wing Nut fashions, we show up with yet another round of hip new Christian t-shirts from our good friends at Christian Outfitters. You may remember them from some of our previous fashion reviews. As you can tell, though, we're beginning to scrape the bottom of the barrel with this lot. But as we thrive on mediocrity here at the Dark Window, let's jump right in.

Ancient Wing Nut Maxim: "If I'm going down, you're going with me."

Just take a corporate logo and slogan and make them even lamer. Your Savior will love you for it!

Is it just me or do the believers in turning the other cheek always seem to be looking for an excuse to beat the living crap out of somebody?

"Oh, man. You should have seen the Hindu guy's flag. We kicked his ass! Praise Jesus!"

Frankly, when you wear shirts by Christian Outfitters, it's kinda hell with Jesus, too.

Thomas never would have doubted if the Lord had just done an ollie kick-flip.

Wait a minute...USA Tour II?...That means there was a USA Tour I...That means that Joseph Smith was right. That means...Extra wives for everybody!

Tune in next time for more exciting trends in Right Wing fashions.

War Of The Worlds: Wing Nut Style

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Fri, 22 Oct 2004 08:05:00 +0000

We at the Dark Window have long prided ourselves in bringing you the weirdest, kookiest, and craziest spokespeople the Right has to offer. But as we were looking for fresh material today, we stumbled across a conservative group that puts pretty much everybody else we've discussed so far to shame.

The good people over at BushCountry.org, the ones who bring us the informed and well-reasoned analyses of Glamour Shot Swank and Tammy Wilhite, the godly prophets who gave us one of our favorite warnings of impending doom, have been linking to an article about how the Mark of the Beast is coming soon to an implant near you.

That article came from a conservative news site called Raiders News Update. And while we thought that piece was pretty good, there was another one at RNU we liked even better. It's called Genesis Chapter Six... Again!?.

By Thomas Horn
RNU News Sr. Reporter

Remember that name. You'll see why in a bit.

The article starts off innocently enough, with a fairly straightforward story (from "The Daily Post") about a girl being visited by space aliens.

"Her horror increased after the discovery a month later that she was pregnant."

Now we know how Lucianne Goldberg must have felt.

The Post feature discusses the birth of the infant entity, gray skinned and frail, which was immediately scooped up and taken on board the extraterrestrial ship.

Whereas Jonah, certainly not frail, was scooped up and taken on board the National Review.

Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking. Just another boring story about space aliens and Jonah Goldberg. What's so special about that?

Well, read on, friends, because we're about to take a wonderful turn into the strange world of Wing Nut Landia.

Nonsense you say?

Who, me?

Writing for the conservative news service Raiders News Update, best selling author and researcher Thomas Horn reminds us that "A growing number of Bible scholars believe something unusual is transpiring during so-called alien abduction. They point to Genesis 6 where extraterrestrial visitations and genetic manipulation by supernatural beings may have occurred."

Remember how I told you to remember that name before? Now you see why. Failed blogger Pete M. of the Dark Window wants to point out that the guy writing the article just referenced himself as a source.

And what's in Genesis Chapter Six that "a growing number of Bible scholars" find so alarming? Well, fortunately for all you Scripturally-ignorant liberals out there, Thomas gives us a quote:

"When men began to increase on earth and daughters were born to them, the divine beings saw how beautiful the daughters of men were and they took wives from among those that pleased them....It was then, and later too, that the Nephilim appeared on earth - when the divine beings cohabited with the daughters of men, who bore them offspring. They were the heroes of old, the men of renown." (Genesis, Chapter 6, from the Jewish translation of the Torah.)

Personally, I've always preferred the Fields of the Nephilim, those men of renown who appeared upon the earth in 1984 and bore us great music.

One group, known as "the ancient astronaut school," hold that "divine beings" (B'nai Elohim in Hebrew) were super-intelligent geneticists from outer space that created Homo sapiens by tinkering with primate DNA.

Not surprisingly, the Wing Nuts are not fooled by such childishly ridiculous ideas and put forth their own, far-more believable scenario:

Another more conservative club points to a darker interpretation...Satan (as opposed to aliens) was trying to produce a race of mutant warriors by breeding fallen angels with women."

As Ms Brown's story illustrates, history may be repeating itself.

I think we can safely say that Ms Brown's story illustrates quite a lot of things, Tom.

Thomas goes on to discuss the Raelians (the cloning people Drudge kept linking to last year) and their belief that the ancient divine beings were space aliens who came to earth to perform genetic manipulation upon us. Then he quickly puts them in their place:

Not so fast, the second school of thought says. The aliens did come, and they conducted genetic manipulation that led to the Nephilim. But the visitors weren't galactic good neighbors. They were angels...of the fallen kind...on a quest to steal your soul.

Boy, that's tough. Used to be that the only people we had to worry about stealing our souls were the Democrats. Now we have to worry about fallen angels too.

The theory goes something like this: Very soon after the Fall of man, the protoevangelium (the promise that the seed of the woman would bring forth a child [Jesus] capable of destroying the serpent's [Satan's] power) was given in Genesis 3:15. In response to this promise, supernatural beings (fallen angels) appeared from the heavens and performed reproductive experiments on human women. Why? To pollute their offspring. By corrupting Hebrew DNA, they would cut off the birth line of the Messiah.

A pretty good plan when you think about it. But not good enough to thwart that most lovable of superheroes...God!

Stephen Quayle, in his excellent and highly recommended book, Aliens & Fallen Angels - The Sexual Corruption of the Human Race, suggests that Satan was interbreeding Nephilim to corrupt every living thing God had made - both human and animal.

What's more, Satan nearly succeeded in wiping out redemption. By the time Noah and his kids came along, they were the only humans left with DNA not corrupted by intermarriage with Nephilim and their offspring. This is what was meant by Noah being 'perfect' in his generation (a word commonly used in the Bible to refer to 'unblemished' sacrificial animals). His perfection was physical and DNA related, not moral.

This brings a whole new light to the Great Flood. In order to preserve the human race - and the lineage of the Messiah - God had to destroy all but Noah and his clean DNA.

So I'm thinking that verse in Hebrews that says God chose Noah because of his faith must be a misprint.

But don't celebrate yet.

I promise I won't.

The second school of thought says Satan and his alien-force are not done. They're planning a second wave. A coming invasion. One that's accompanied by "...fearful sights and great signs [read UFOs]...from heaven" (Lk 21:11).

Thank heavens we have such brave conservatives to warn us about this coming invasion! I've already begun constructing my own Cheney-inspired bunker.

Tom closes with one of my favorite (and if you read the Dark Window regularly, you already know, all too common) Wing Nut flourishes: He illuminates the infallible Word of God with a few choice additions:

"And then shall that wicked one be revealed....whose coming is after the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders [UFOs again]....And for this cause God shall send mankind strong delusion, that they should believe a lie [the kind as told by Rael]: That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness" (2 Thessalonians 2:8-12).

Thank You, God, for sending us Bush Country to warn us against believing those strong delusions that will make you damn us!

Pat Robertson Redux

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Fri, 22 Oct 2004 08:00:00 +0000

As is often the case, our friend Bartholomew has taken something we've written and added actual research and intelligent thought. He has an update on Pat Robertson and his strange conversation with President Bush in a piece called A Modest Disaster.

And after you read that, make sure you scroll down and read about the Religious Right's plan to saturate our airwaves in the days leading up to the election in a move that may dwarf Sinclair's airing of Stolen Honor.

The NewsMax Path To Romantic Success

noreply@blogger.com (Pete M.) — Thu, 21 Oct 2004 08:05:00 +0000

You've probably already read some of the stories about my pathetic dating life here at the Dark Window. Stories about being repeatedly turned down by the lovely S.Z. (with extreme prejudice, I might add). Or the restraining order (there's a reason why she stays anonymous). Or having my overtures rejected by those Holiness girls. So just imagine my relief when I read the following announcement over at NewsMax:

No more heartbreak, ever—a whole new approach to dating, women, and relationships...

Sounds exactly like what I need. Thank God for NewsMax! Reasoned political analysis and life-changing romantic advice!

Anyway, I clicked on the link and found this revolutionary new system developed by a guy named John Alanis. It's called Women Approach You.

Women approach me now but it's usually just to tell me that I'm standing in their way.

"Amazing Free Report, Available Instantly, Reveals Exactly How to Get Beautiful, Desirable Women to Approach YOU First for a Date, No Matter Your Looks, Age or Income!"

Hmmm...I hope this works because S.Z. said she'd only date me if I were 24, looked like Brad Pitt, and made at least $200,000/year.

Dear Friend,

You are seconds away from discovering remarkable, little-known secrets that literally compel desirable women to approach you first. This is not weird, far out magic, or stupid potions, lotions, or pills but simple, easy-to-follow steps that allow you to unlock the "natural attraction" every man possesses, but has never been taught how to "let out"... until now.

Whenever I read a piece at NewsMax that talks about something "every man possesses" being "let out," I get nervous. Really nervous.

Keep it in your pants, Limbacher.

I'm not kidding.

In addition to this Free Report #1 (entitled, "What If Everything You Ever Thought You Knew About Women, Dating and Relationships Was Dead Wrong?", when you enter your name and email I promise to send you an entertaining tip, story or secret about attracting women every single day! And, just to prove I'm "for real," I'll instantly send you these FIVE remarkable FREE "girl-getting" reports, plus one hilarious Bonus Report:

Well, at this point it's painfully obvious that everything I know about women, dating and relationships is dead wrong so I'd better keep reading.

FREE Report #2: How Even the Ugliest Man Can Date the Most Beautiful Women--Why Looks, Age, or Income Just Don't Matter

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? The perfect Christmas present for Seb!

FREE Report #3: Recently "Dumped?" Here's How to Get Her Back!

That one might be nice for Bill O'Reilly.

FREE Report #4: Secrets to Being a "Bar Star" -- How to Get Desirable Women to Pick YOU Up at a Bar

Hey...This is perfect for our Bay Area Blog Enthusiasts drinking night next week. With my luck, though, the only person who'll try to pick me up will be celebrity-blogger Roger Ailes.

Don't get me wrong...I like Roger...Just not like that.

FREE Report #5: Why You MUST Get Rid of All "Bad Investments" to Be Successful With Women

I have to ditch the Dark Window? Well, no real loss there.

FREE Report #6: Which of the Three Types of Women Should You Be Dating?

Given that this report is available for free at NewsMax, I'm thinking the answer to that question has to be (1) women looking for green cards, (2) mail-order brides, or (3) the type of woman you inflate. In other words, a weekend with Ted and Yosef.

Bonus Report: Why I Buy Soft Toilet Paper!

John, I'm going to be real honest with you, buddy. I don't want to know why you buy soft toilet paper.

I'll give you my uncensored, "Women Approach You Now" reports as well as my daily email that is literally read throughout the world. I'm known as the "King of Let 'Em Come to You" for a reason... tune in each day as I reveal hilarious secret after secret... you'll laugh, learn, and most of all say to yourself, "At last there's a guy who tells it like it really is!"

Literally read throughout the world? That can only mean one thing. Seb's already a subscriber.

WARNING: if you are easily offended, hyper-sensitive, or overly worried about what all the "politically correct masses" think about you, then this report and these emails may NOT be for you. If, however, you are a bright, fun, open minded guy who wants the "real scoop" on how to get beautiful women chasing you for a change, then you're in for a real treat.

That's easy...Steal their handbags. Then when they chase you down and tackle you, try to make out with them. That's been my strategy so far.

You should also know all my emails are discreet with no subject lines that even mention "dating" or "meeting women." No one except you will know what these emails are about, unless you let them. And let me be perfectly clear, this is NOT "porn" or "adult content" or anything sleazy like that.

Cool! I can read them at work!

Now all I need is a job.

Either way, I'm signed up now. Well, Seb is anyway (no need to thank me, friend). Now I can sit back, relax, and get ready to fight 'em off with a stick.

Thanks, John! And thanks, NewsMax!

-John Alanis
"King of Let 'em Come to You"

And to prove he's the king, here's his signature:

Just think...That'll soon be ~~Seb's~~ my signature tagline too!