Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: August 2004

Prepare to be horrified...

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Wing Nut Fashion You Won't See At The RNC

In honor of the Republican Convention, we're going to take a look at some of the very latest in Wing Nut fashion. Of course given the moderate face the Republicans are putting on for the world this week, you probably won't see these fine shirts on any of the delegates but rest assured that the most stylish Wing Nuts back in the provinces will be wearing them proudly.

Our friends at Christian Outfitters have just come out with their new fall line and are currently showcasing the hot new designs shown below. As a tribute to all those conservative members of the Republican Party who were asked to stay home this week, the Dark Window would like to offer the following ultra-mod t-shirts:




I just have to get out of this paper bag somehow first. A little help, please?




Know Jesus and get a metal toy jammed into your forehead.




One of the reasons Jesus' little-known plumbing business folded and he went into carpentry.




Wear this shirt to show the world that you're just as smart as your lord.




Because with the high price of all these crappy t-shirts, I can't afford Him anymore on my regular salary.




Finally...A shirt for Mary Kay Letourneau!




Tonight on Fox: Jesus steals a white pickup truck and leads the LAPD on an action-packed high-speed chase. After crashing into a parked car in North Hollywood, he flees on foot before finally being apprehended. Due to extensive bleeping and blurring, parental discretion is advised.

And finally, the folks at Christian Outfitters are pleased to offer an exciting new item...a clock! In their words, "Unique 12" X 12" wall clocks from Christian Outfitters are perfect for any decor." I think this photo will attest to that:




1 Cross. 3 Nails. 4 Given. 2 Ridiculous for words.

God bless America.

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Wing Nut Bonus

If you enjoy a good laugh at the expense of the Right Wing fringe, I would like to introduce you to a fun site called WAR CHEERLEADERS, LAPTOP WARRIORS & other EVERYDAY LOONS. In spite of the fact that it refers to Sadly, No! as "mighty," there's a lot of great stuff there. Check it out.

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Monday, August 30, 2004

Sept. 11 Is Coming Early This Year

The big Republican Convention starts tonight and it's time for a special Dark Window preview. We start with a New York Times report entitled The G.O.P. Arrives, Putting Sept. 11 Into August.

Republican leaders said yesterday that they would repeatedly remind the nation of the Sept. 11 attacks as their convention opens in New York City today, beginning a week in which the party seeks to pivot to the center and seize on street demonstrations to portray Democrats as extremist.

Party aides said the convention would begin with an elaborate tribute to Sept. 11 victims, with speeches by Senator John McCain and former Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, reminding voters of Mr. Bush's role in leading the nation after the attacks, which took place a couple of miles from Madison Square Garden, home of the convention.

The festivities will include John McCain reading some favorite passages from My Pet Goat and Rudy Giuliani hopping from one part of the stage to another to demonstrate how Mr. Bush so skillfully evaded the terrorists that day.



There's even talk that Zell Miller will hide behind the podium during his keynote address to remind voters of Dick Cheney's role after the attacks. It is election time, though, and our foul-mouthed Vice President has apparently left his bunker:

Indeed, the Sept. 11 invocations began even before the convention opened, leaving little doubt of the prominent role the attack on New York will play at the first Republican convention ever held in this city. At a rally yesterday afternoon on Ellis Island, Vice President Dick Cheney recalled the president's visit to ground zero three days after the attack.

"They saw a man calm in crisis, comfortable with responsibility and determined to do everything to protect our people," he said.

Well, I should certainly hope that he was calm and comfortable. After all, he'd just returned from this well-deserved vacation:

Six months after taking office, President Bush will begin a month-long vacation Saturday that is significantly longer than the average American's annual getaway. If Bush returns as scheduled on Labor Day, he'll tie the modern record for presidential absence from the White House, held by Richard Nixon at 30 days. Ronald Reagan took trips as long as 28 days.

Not to imply that he wasn't doing his job, of course.

In an otherwise dry day of hearings before the 9/11 commission, one brief bit of dialogue set off a sudden flash of clarity on the basic question of how our government let disaster happen.

The revelation came this morning, when CIA Director George Tenet was on the stand. Timothy Roemer, a former Democratic congressman, asked him when he first found out about the report from the FBI's Minnesota field office that Zacarias Moussaoui, an Islamic jihadist, had been taking lessons on how to fly a 747. Tenet replied that he was briefed about the case on Aug. 23 or 24, 2001.

Roemer then asked Tenet if he mentioned Moussaoui to President Bush at one of their frequent morning briefings. Tenet replied, "I was not in briefings at this time." Bush, he noted, "was on vacation." He added that he didn't see the president at all in August 2001. During the entire month, Bush was at his ranch in Texas. "You never talked with him?" Roemer asked. "No," Tenet replied. By the way, for much of August, Tenet too was, as he put it, "on leave."


But back to our story.

At the same time, responding to the sight of New York streets packed with protesters yesterday, Republican officials sought to connect the demonstrations to Democrats as part of a broader effort to paint Senator John Kerry as out of the mainstream. The Republican Party chairman, Ed Gillespie, noted to reporters that the legion of protesters included Peggy Kerry, Mr. Kerry's sister, who lives in New York and attended an abortion rights rally.

And Mr. Bush's campaign communications director, Nicolle Devenish, said in an interview: "Those who support the president are inside the Garden. Those who are opposed to the president's policies are protesting outside the Garden."


That brilliant analysis calls to mind a quote from our beloved President himself during the last election:

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!"

Of course he was smart enough to realize that his statement wasn't as profound as he'd intended it to be and immediately offered this clarification:

"If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything!"

Anyway, Bush must be happy that he found a communications director who can so faithfully articulate his own ideas.

The developments came on the eve of what party officials saw as a potentially tumultuous and politically complicated week. Mr. Bush seeks to accomplish a critical political goal - broadening his appeal to the center - against the backdrop of the biggest demonstrations in New York in 22 years and charges by some Democrats that he is trying to turn the tragedy of Sept. 11 to his political advantage.

Who? This guy?



Next, we head over to the Washington Post.

The GOP convention begins just 64 days before the election, and presents Bush with his best chance to dispel doubts about the war in Iraq and slow job growth at home, which have combined to put the president in unexpected difficulty. He acknowledged his electoral focus in an interview with Time published Sunday. Asked whether the war on terrorism would be decades-long, Bush quipped, "I'm a two-month man right now."

A lot of us have our fingers crossed about that one, Mr. President.

Bush also acknowledged in the interview that the administration did not anticipate the nature of the resistance in Iraq, and he said that was his greatest mistake in office. "Had we had to do it over again," he said, "we would look at the consequences of catastrophic success, being so successful so fast that an enemy that should have surrendered or been done in escaped and lived to fight another day."

Boy, talk about a flip-flop:

"But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."
- President Bush, Interview with the Associated Press, Jan. 18, 2001

So get ready for fun times over the next few days, dear readers, because just like Christmas in July, September 11th is coming early this year!

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A Message From The Good Uncle

A certain friend of the Dark Window seems to have had himself quite a nice weekend. We're not saying anything more than that.

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Friday, August 27, 2004

God, Prophecy, And How The Terrorists Hit Us Where It Really Hurts (Our National Groin)

Over the past several weeks, the good folks at World Net Daily have been constantly hyping a book by Michael D. Evans about America's role in Bible prophecy. Today they went a little further and linked to an interview with the author himself.

As you'd expect from a World Net Daily link, it's a good one.

Just try to keep one thing in mind as you read it...While this guy may seem like a fringe crackpot, he's a fringe crackpot with a great deal of influence. His book is currently at #10 on the New York Times bestseller list.

Michael D. Evans is an evangelist, writer, and founder of the Jerusalem Prayer Team, whose mission is "to guard, defend and protect the Jewish people...until the redeemer comes to Zion." Among its supporters are televangelist Pat Robertson, and Tim LaHaye, author of the best-selling "Left Behind" novels.

Given that Michael's mission is to guard the poor Jews until Jesus gets a chance to convert them, is it any surprise that Pat and Tim are here too?

Two weeks ago, Evans published a book, The American Prophecies: Ancient Scriptures Reveal Our Nation's Future, in which he theorizes that biblical prophets predicted America is doomed unless it stops accommodating the Arab world in exchange for its oil. He believes Americans are risking God's wrath by not supporting what he believes is God's biblical mandate that Israel have full control of the West Bank and Gaza. Evans also theorizes that many of America's problems--including September 11--are evidence of God's fury that America doesn't fully support Israel.

I certainly can't find any flaws in that analysis so let's get right to the questions.

Why do you say that America’s story is contained within biblical prophecies?

Michael begins his response to this question by talking about Ishmael, Isaac, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. But then he unleashes something of a surprise.

On Sept. 23, 1979, the founder of Israeli intelligence over dinner told me that America was developing a tolerance for terror. The gentleman’s name was Isser Harel, the founder of Mossad Israeli intelligence—he ran it from 1947 to 1963. He told me that America had developed an alliance between two countries, Israel and Saudi Arabia, and that the alliance with Saudi Arabia was dangerous and would develop a tolerance for terror among Americans. He said if the tolerance continued that Islamic fundamentalists would ultimately strike America. I said “Where?” He said, “In Islamic theology, the phallic symbol is very important. Your biggest phallic symbol is New York City and your tallest building will be the phallic symbol they will hit.” Isser Harel prophesied that the tallest building in New York would be the first building hit by Islamic fundamentalists 21 years ago.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Bible tells us that terrorists attacked the World Trade Center because it looked like a really big penis.

So extrapolating from the scenarios of the Bible, what do you believe is our nation’s future, based on prophecy?

The story of prophecy that has to do with the Jews goes all the way through to the end of the Book of Revelation. Jesus prophesied in Matthew 24. The disciples said, “What shall be the signs of the coming of the ends of the age?” And he said, “The first sign would be deception.” Now, there’s never been greater deception then what happened on September 11, 2001. In the 1990s, New Age relativism redefined a terrorist as just an “extremist.” Bill Clinton and his moral relativism wanted [a Middle East peace agreement] because he was trying to get a postage stamp of himself over Monica’s face. By doing that, he sent a signal to the Islamic fundamentalist world that was already in a rage, that America would embrace terrorism.

Michael's really a brilliant man. How could we have missed such an obvious connection between blowjobs and terrorism for all these years? The only thing I can figure is because we took the Bible out of so many public places. If only we'd listened to Judge Roy (Rob) Moore when we had the chance!

What does your theory mean for the coming presidential election?

Number one, we’re in a horrendous battle between darkness and light. We began with a distraction of our moral principles We saw it through the 1960s and the 1970s. We saw it through abortion and prayer in school and all these other issues. We saw it in the White House through Clinton. Then we saw that it translated into our foreign policy--not just our domestic policy. It spread like the Ebola virus.

Any question which candidate is darkness and which one's light? Hey, people, don't look at me like that...It's in the freakin' Bible, for God's sake!

And now we realize that the holy grail of understanding is that 9/11 was the most apocalyptic day in American history. And we woke up from our innocence to realize that we cannot put our heads in the sand any longer. We’ve got to stand up to the New Agers who believe that a terrorist is not a terrorist.

Wow. So the New Agers are behind the terrorist attacks too. Who knew? Oh, right. God and Michael did.

I want to get back to the presidential election. You support President Bush. What happens if Kerry wins?

If Kerry wins, we get Clinton all over again because Kerry has already brought in most of Clinton’s holdovers. We’ll get New Age liberals who will have the same Middle East policies that Clinton had, which is no Middle East policy. We’ll go back to more peace conferences, we’ll go back to getting the Jews to give up more land, putting more pressure on Israel. It will be the liberal, New Age, kumbaya mantra that will wreck this country.


Nothing more ungodly than a damn peace conference.

But in a prophetic sense what does that mean?

We’ll get two Sauls in a row. King Saul was rejected by God. We’ll have gone from a Clinton Saul to a Kerry Saul.


You know, I was going to make a joke about getting two Wing Nuts in a row but then I realized that Michael's in a very special class all by himself.

Do you envision an apocalyptic scenario as a result?

I think it will open the floodgates for more terror. Because the only things terrorists understand is power. This is a battle between two books, two kingdoms and two spirits.


And two really giant penises. Don't forget that one.

But how does it help them if Kerry is elected?

Kerry is going to be a New Ager. He’s going to be a One World boy. He’s going to unify France and Germany and a lot of the countries that the Saudis kiss up to. So the Saudis are going to feel like, “Happy days are here again,”--like they were under Bill Clinton. George Bush believes that a war is going on, and that the Saudis are helping fund it. Kerry doesn’t feel that way. Kerry is going to be kinder and gentler to the Saudis, and he’ll talk to them. Bush will probably continue fighting the war on terrorism, whereas Kerry will try to find a way of redefining the war on terrorism as good terrorists vs. bad terrorists or good terrorist states vs. bad terrorist states.


What on earth could I possibly say to that?

Have a great weekend, everybody! And please keep your pants on...We don't want to provoke the terrorists!


Update: S.Z. reminds me that Bartholomew previewed Michael Evans' book last month. Make sure you check out his excellent piece in which we learn that God Himself may have killed F.D.R.

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Thursday, August 26, 2004

An Unexpected Trip To Germany And Three Loonies At Home

As you may already have heard, Seb over at Sadly, No! had to leave his secret German bunker unexpectedly to return to Canada for a funeral. To try to help out, I've posted my main entry for today over at his blog. It explores an entirely different kind of t-shirt than the ones we usually make fun of here at the Dark Window and I invite you to go have a look.

But first, since we're bi-continental (i.e. France worshippers) here at the Dark Window, we're also bringing you three very special Wing Nuts we found right here in the good old U.S. of A.

Wing Nut #1 is a happy fellow named Gary Schneider who's written a new column about the tyranny of gay marriage. He starts off with this heart-warming story:

Years ago, during my days in college I was told a true story of a young man in his late teens who was attending party with his girlfriend of some years.

Notice that Gary wasn't there himself. As you read the rest of his piece, you may start to understand why he doesn't spend a lot of time at parties. I happen to think it's because nobody wants to invite him.

Typical of most parties with alcohol, loud music and dancing, the two drifted throughout the scene becoming engaged in separate activities that night, throwing each other those periodic glances that couples do to check up on the other. As the hours passed the young man seemed to disappear from sight, prompting a search of the party premises by his concerned better half.

How do you "seem to disappear from sight?"

She scanned the halls and rooms of the house only to discover a closed door behind which were the sounds of some unknown activity. Curious, she opened the door to a darkened room that was lit only by the moons of two unsuspecting souls. One of the moons was very familiar to her, the other was not.

Uh...I don't really even know what that means. Gary seems to have some strange ideas about what transpires behind all those closed doors in life.

Her boyfriend, recognizing the glaring silhouette in the doorway, promptly arose in all his glory and desperately protested: “Its not what you think!”...But alas it was. It is my understanding that this is the tireless mantra he maintains to this day. Apparently for some, hope remains eternal that disobliging truth, no matter how obviously exposed, can be successfully denied or sufficiently obfuscated if done so with unscrupulous persistence. This young man was surely a Liberal.

Yes, surely.

Gary goes on to talk about evil Senator Christopher Dodd and how he's just like that moonish young man because he opposes the Federal Marriage Amendment. The column then ends with a reminder of the tyranny we now face.

When objectively considering the multitude of legal actions being progressed by the gay lobby and their allies (read ACLU, etc.) that persistently seek to undermine the will of the people and subjugate the rights of others in the name of “tolerance” or civil rights, one can only come to the conclusion that we are a nation and a people on the precipice of tyranny.

This is undoubtedly true. None of us will truly be free if gays are allowed to marry one another. Thank heavens Gary's willing to stand up for the little people.

Next up we have Wing Nut #2, Nancy Salvato. She's written a warm bit of nostalgia entitled Back To School Blues. In this dreamy look back at the glory days of yesteryear, Nancy tells us how sad she is that our schools have become nothing more than factories to produce little socialists.

As a child of the 70’s, I used to love back to school shopping. My mom and I would go to the mall for two or three new outfits, school shoes and gym shoes. We’d then go to Turn Style or Venture to buy the essential pens and pencils, ruler, notebook paper and any other necessities for that grade. Those days are gone.

As a child of the 70's myself, I used to love Evel Knievel. I would drape a bath towel around my neck to make a cape and do crazy stunts in the backyard. Unfortunately, those days are also gone.

Mainly because I no longer have a backyard.

For many kids, there is shock and disappointment when their new teacher collects all of the handpicked supplies and puts them into a group box to be shared. For others, the PTA purchases the school supplies in bulk and each child is issued the same materials. Where is the excitement in that?

Yes, whatever happened to that sense of capitalistic triumph when little Susie could stand up during class and shout, "All mine! This Trapper Keeper is my handpicked supply alone!"

Kids don’t buy clothes for “school” and clothes for “after school” anymore. Dress codes are ignored or the schools have opted for uniforms to deal with the inappropriate attire. The special time that occurs between a parent and a child during the “rites of passage” hasn’t been factored into the equation and the element of fun in picking out the school supplies has been eliminated.

Wait, wouldn't school uniforms mean that kids still have clothes for "school" and clothes for "after school?" And if Nancy's so dead set on her kids changing clothes all the time, why doesn't she just buy them extra outfits?

Because then she couldn't write her loony columns, I guess.

Finally, we are visited by Wing Nut #3, our old friend Jan Ireland. You may remember Jan from last week when she complained about Teresa Heinz Kerry being an imperious bitch. Today Jan's mad because the stupid liberals are calling Alan Keyes a "carpetbagger." In fact, she got mad enough to prove that this whole idea is absolute nonsense.

Obama’s supporters are already shouting “carpetbagger” because Keyes currently lives in Maryland. But that’s a charge that just won’t stick.

The “carepetbagger” label comes from Keyes’s criticism of Hillary Clinton, who in 2000 chose New York for her Senate run – a place she had never lived, and in which she had shown little interest.


Unlike Principled Alan who grew up in Illinois and has spent years working tirelessly to find solutions to its unique problems. Except that he didn't and hasn't, of course.

Keyes told Fox News then, “I deeply resent the destruction of federalism represented by Hillary Clinton’s willingness to go into a state she doesn’t even live in and pretend to represent people there, so I certainly wouldn’t imitate it.”

Just wait until you see how Jan gets around this one.

Keyes recognized Mrs. Clinton’s crass desire for a power base for future campaigns. She stepped on other candidates, who had been waiting nicely in the Democrat line, for her own political plans. But Alan Keyes has done nothing like that.

Because Alan Keyes is a lovely Christian man who only wants to do good and Hillary is an evil bitch, it can't be carpetbagging, right?

Keyes and his family were approached by the people of Illinois. On abortion, Obama is even more liberal than the two current Johns running for president on the Democrat ticket. Jill Stanek, new columnist for World Net Daily, covered the Keyes speech for the Illinois Leader (See “Obama’s Waterloo – Live Aborted Babies?”).

Keyes explained, “What finally caught my eye, however, what finally arrested my attention and forced me to consider whether I not only have the opportunity to oppose [Obama], but the obligation, was when I learned that he had actually, in April 2002, apparently cast a vote that would continue to allow live birth abortions in the State of Illinois.”


In other words, Keyes isn't a hypocrite because he believes the same things as Jan does.

Please tune in again tomorrow when we'll do pretty much the same thing we do every day here at the Dark Window...make fun of people.

But then really, what else would you expect from a liberal?

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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

"Vote For George W. Bush, Here's Why"

That's the exciting title of Bob Pratt's brilliant new column over at Bush Country. So fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen, because he's about to take us on a wild ride.

Comprehend these facts if you want to advantageously debate misguided persons before election time, not that it matters in Indiana (my home State) in light of the fact that our state is a shoe-in for electoral votes reinstating W. BUSH in the White House!!!...The right thing to do.... You know !!, the man who has been fighting terrorism in the real world, not lobbing a missile at the desert of some country in a feeble effort to authenticate a reprisal as did the very phony person at the helm in the 90s, Unslick willie klinton. “kLINTON IS THE ONLY MAN IN HISTORY THAT HAS THE DISTINCTION OF DESPOILING AMERICA FOR ALL TIME TO COME” and the silly charges he was tried on were a diversion from his many real crimes, one being the selling of our miniaturization of nuclear missile components to the PRC, China, and multiple murder in Arkansas and Washington DC.

Both the PRC and China, eh? Unslick willie klinton sure does sound like a bad dude. But really, when you think about it, selling multiple murder in Arkansas is probably a pretty good line to get into.

Anyway, I tried to follow Bob's advice and "comprehend these facts" but I have no idea what the heck he's talking about so far. And just between you and me, I have a suspicion that he doesn't know either.

No, you must give much, much credit to GEORGE W. BUSH for his leadership in accomplishing what he did and all that with a crippled CIA and FBI for almost a decade, crippled by clinton's politically correct agenda.

Mr. Pratt appears to be a master of creative capitalization. First it was kLINTON and now it's clinton. I'm happy to learn that the avant garde is so appreciated over at Bush Country. I'll bet they even let Bob wear a beret on Fridays!

I thought that algore was the worst person ever to be a candidate for president, but I didn't know how far down the Dems would have to reach to get to the bottom of the proverbial barrel muck, when the “DEMOCRAT PARTY ENDORSED JOHN KERRY”. To me this is the “Comedy of Eros” and electing this weird person to be President is the most unthinkable concept ever presented and I am just about sure it cannot be done.

And I am just about sure this column cannot be deciphered. But I will say this: When Bob starts talking about erotic comedy, I get nervous.

Really nervous.

Now some more facts:...There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq during the month of January... In the city of Detroit here were 35 murders in January alone. One city, about as deadly as the war torn country of Iraq.

Is it any coincidence that Detroit and Iraq both have a lot of Arabs? I think not.

Some persons claim President Bush shouldn't have started this war, they are wrong-headed, he didn't start this war, terrorists have attacked us many times in the last twenty years and it has not been rebuffed in a viable way. You must start somewhere to stop this one sided war and that is to observe it in the truth of reality.

That's almost poetic. "You must start somewhere to stop." Well, in a Donny and Marie kind of way. Actually, though, I think we may have a pretty good song here. So please put your hands together for the Dark Window variety show!

They're all wrong-headed, woooo-ooooo
With no viable way in si-i-ight.
You must start somewhere to stop, baby
And observe my tender truth of re-a-li-ty-y-y-yyyy.


You may not realize it but “YOU DO NOT WANT A DEMOCRAT FLAKE IN THE HIGHEST OFFICE OF THE LAND IN WAR TIME, ESPECIALLY ONE AGAINST AN ENEMY THAT HAS SUCH A FOOTHOLD IN AMERICA” and I am sure the voters in flyover country which is almost totally ignored by big city Dems, will have more get-back votes to pay for the Florida fiasco of trying not to let the military vote in for counting.

I almost hate to make fun of this guy. I don't think I've read such an original interpretation of the English language since Finnegans Wake. But I guess that makes sense. Ulysses employed the language of the day, the Wake invoked the language of the night, and Bob Pratt's column can only be described as using the language of hiding under your Snoopy blanket and shrieking at the top of your lungs.

The Dems are retardant about how the length of this war, but... It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51 day operation by the Government of the US to teach all dissenters a lesson, while Timothy McVeigh and Nichols taught the US government with their assist to kill a load of feds in revenge mode. I wrote to and received mail and magazines from Tim McVeigh while he was in Terre Haute and advised him to adhere to the advice of a Catholic Nun's offering of solace at that time.

Okay, now I have no trouble making fun of this guy. He just went from being ridiculous to being scary.

We've been looking for evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. If I were the head of a country that is in violation of U.N. Mandates which are virtually worthless as past history has shown as a condition of an aggressive war against a peaceful nation, Kuwait, I would be very appreciative of a period of more than a year to hide my nasties very deep or transferred. (look in France, Iran or Syria)

Bob, I'm going to say this as nicely as I can: I don't think anybody wants to see your nasties. Put them back in your pants.

Please.


Bob Pratt, a man who likes to hide his nasties

An offside comment here is, (“France is and has always been, the most disgusting and dishonorable place on God's earth to be designated as a country or receive lip service from the rest of the total world in any category or respect and hopefully will be replaced by India as one of the five on the voting board of the illegal UN)

I give up! I can't lampoon this stuff. It's pure comedy gold already. If Bob keeps writing these columns, I'm going to be out of a blog soon.

Our Commander-In-Chief, GEORGE W. BUSH-43 is doing a good job and morale is pretty darn high! The anchorite media hopes we are too incognizant to realize the facts, and now does not just exaggerate but expands on outright lies to the public.

It is a fact if a lie is repeated often enough, it becomes truth in the brain of the beholder. And it is also a fact that the Jewish owned and paid for media has most of the ink to implement and promote false information, in the U.S.

Yet another fine example of how the good conservatives over at Bush Country are the best friends Israel ever had.

There has never been a more contrasted representation, for decades, of differences in the DEM and GOP campaigns than there has been this year. Actually, now it has become a contest of wills and propaganda in the left and the right, but also a complete introduction of governmental and operational differences in Democrat Socialism, that the Europeans swear by and the Solidarity of a great Republic of laws and freedom of the law-abiding individual and citizen voters of our America's beautiful system of Nationalism and it's benefits. The globalist hate our concept, many receiving the benefits of our hard earned freedom are being total ingrates not deserving or worthy of the benefits of our country's system and that may very well include Kerry.

I've read that paragraph at least ten times. I figured it was important because it's the last one in the column. But I'll be doggone if I can make any sense of it.

I think Bob's saying that the European socialists have a great Republic and that they respect laws and freedom. I'm not sure who this globalist guy is but he seems pretty down with the lingo to be able to leave the "s" off of his verbs like that. And I'll confess to being surprised with the closing thought that Kerry is one of the many fine benefits our country has to offer.

I think that's what the column was trying to say anyway. Like any fine piece of literature, Bob appears to be open to interpretation.

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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

How Saint Paul Predicted John Kerry's Treason Nearly 2000 Years Ago

Jack Kinsella, Hal Lindsey's lovable sidekick, has a new column out and it's a good one. Yes, today our Oracle in Training (OiT) is breaking theological ground with a new column about how the Bible predicted John Kerry's Treason.

The first part of the piece is all about how Michael Moore's movie, Fahrenheit 9/11, is being shown to soldiers in Kuwait. This makes Jack really mad because it's causing soldiers to question the reasons why they're fighting in the first place.

Just look at our actions during the Second World War, he says, when anything critical of the war effort was censored.

During the Second World War, troop morale overseas was deemed to be a matter of national security. Defeatism was not only discouraged, it was censored. The 1st Amendment survived. So did the United States of America.

That's good enough for me. Shut down the first amendment, please.

Jack goes on to describe Lord Haw-Haw and Tokyo Rose, two people tried for treason after the war. According to Jack, their main crime was that they tried to break US morale. Since this is the same thing John Kerry and Michael Moore do, they should probably be killed too. Of course he doesn't say that last bit but, well, follow the logic.

Sorry. That "logic" should have been in quotation marks.

With the Vietnam War, treason became fashionable. What led Lord Haw-Haw to the gallows and put Tokyo Rose in prison put John Kerry in the Senate, for example.

I wonder if Jack's ever actually read what John Kerry said to the Senate Committee. I think it's far more likely that he's simply regurgitating what he hears from Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

‘Treason’ as an indictable crime, has a specific legal definition. But Webster’s defines the meaning of ‘treason’ as follows:

Old Jack's a sly one. Since John Kerry and Michael Moore have done nothing approaching the legal definition of treason, Jack's going to prove, using only his dictionary, that they should be judged as if they had.

Did I mention that Jack's column is part of his ministry that operates based on gifts and donations? Thank God the little old ladies sent him enough money to spring for a dictionary!

Anyway, here's Jack's quote from "Webster's:"

“The offense of attempting to overthrow the government of the state to which the offender owes allegiance, or of betraying the state into the hands of a foreign power; disloyalty; treachery.”

Well, while we've got "Webster's" open, let me try one.

Moron: 1 A retarded person mentally equal to a child between eight and twelve years old. 2 A very foolish or stupid person.

I didn't even require a donation to do that!

John Kerry’s antiwar activities are a textbook example of a person betraying the state into the hands of a foreign power. Screaming, “1st Amendment privilege,” Kerry handed the North Vietnamese all the propaganda they needed to break US morale and ultimately hand Hanoi victory. That is a matter of historical record.

Jack's column is definitely a textbook example of something too.

Michael Moore’s antiwar ‘documentaries’ like Fahrenheit 9/11 are further examples of leftist treason, according to Webster’s definition. Both Kerry and Moore are guilty of betraying the state into the hands of a foreign power by their conduct. In Kerry’s case, the betrayal was complete and the victory went to Hanoi.

Jack's ability to use the dictionary seems only to be surpassed by his incredibly strong grasp of history. But seriously, how could we possibly vote for the guy who single-handedly caused America to lose the Vietnam war?

In Moore’s case, the betrayal is ongoing. Screaming, “1st Amendment privilege,” Moore’s wild, unproven allegations about the war in Iraq and why we are there is sapping the will of America to stay the course, and, heartbreakingly, the will of the men in harm’s way.

Because if you question a conservative leader, you're guilty of treason. Simple as that, really.

Jack goes on to give some reasons why we invaded Iraq in the first place (even though none of them seems to have anything to do with the reasons given at the time). You know, things like the fact that Saddam Hussein was a puppet of the French, Germans, and Russians and how thousands of Iraqis were dying each day. Oh, and just what was Saddam planning to do with that yellow cake uranium from Niger anyway?

Those were the reasons our troops went to Iraq, and they were proud to do it. Those I've met who returned from Iraq were filled with a sense of accomplishment and the rightness of their mission.

Michael Moore betrayed them, stole their pride, and instilled in them a sense of futility that may well get some of those who are still in combat killed. Moore knows that -- he's been told by experts.


Yes, not only is Michael Moore betraying our country, he's actually killing our soldiers. It's amazing he hasn't been executed yet.

Treason is evidently no barrier to high office, as John Kerry’s candidacy makes clear. And treason is no barrier to wealth, fame and high honors, as Michael Moore’s wildly successful enemy propaganda films testify to so eloquently.

Just as a complete lack of rational thought is evidently no barrier to having your own ministry.

To them, America is the enemy, but to their twisted way of thinking, that makes them ‘patriots’ – so say the likes of Michael Moore, John Kerry, Alec Baldwin, Teddy Kennedy, etc., etc.

Great logic, that is. Anybody who questions a foreign policy that alienates our traditional allies and invades a sovereign country under false pretenses can only be described as one who views America as the enemy.

But Jack's just getting warmed up, ladies and gentlemen. Because it's not just "Webster's" that thinks John Kerry and Michael Moore are evil. You see, God thinks they're evil, too. Not only that, but John Kerry's also a sign of the apocalypse!

At the risk of repeating myself, Paul’s description of society in the last days bears more than a passing resemblance to our own crumbling social edifice. Consider, for a moment, the platform, tone and spirit of those who represent the American Left.

Picture such faces in your minds eye as John Kerry’s, or Michael Moore, or Alec Baldwin, Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy, Tom Daschle. . . ok, got it?


You think you know where Jack's going with this, don't you? Well, you're wrong. Because he's about to take this to an entirely new Wing Nut plane of existence.

Now look at what they stand for. Abortion rights. Gay rights. Secular humanism. The suppression of Christianity. Same sex marriages. Children’s rights (and the corollary erosion of parental rights) Even UN rights over US sovereign matters like national defense.

Good God, no! Not children's rights! What a bunch of Satan-worshippers!

Now, look at how they advance their causes. By creating division – the ‘two Americas’ the ‘rich against the poor’ (class warfare is a technique perfected by the Bolsheviks to overthrow the Czar. It is classical Marxism).

By fomenting civil unrest. By advocating civil disobedience. Recall all the illegal gay ‘marriages’ performed by elected officials in defiance of the law, for example. (Also classical Marxism)


You gay? You wanna get married? Then you're a commie. Simple as that.

Still within the realm of ordinary Wing Nuttism, you say? Just keep reading.

Let’s return to Paul’s comments, one more time. Bear with me.

First, the historical context of which Paul is framing his description:

"This know also, that in THE LAST DAYS, perilous times shall come." Having established the historical context as being in the 'last days' Paul describes the social conditions that constitute 'perilous times' for the Church in those last days.

"For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy." (2nd Timothy 3:2)


Well, that was nice and all but God didn't really do a great job of making his Word clear so Jack's going to help Him out. Hooray for Jack!

Allow me to paraphrase Paul to illustrate my point (with apologies to the Author). "For men shall supporters of secular humanism, wanting power at all costs, boasters (Was Kerry in Cambodia in 1968?) supporters of the ACLU, supporters of restricting parental rights, unthankful and unholy."

“Without natural affection (gay marriage) trucebreakers (Kerry’s promise to bug out of Iraq) false accusers (Bush lied, Bush was AWOL, SWIFT Boat veterans are all partisan liars, etc) incontinent (Teddy Kennedy) fierce (Terry McAullife: Bush was AWOL) despisers of those that are good (GOP taken over by the “religious right”)”

“Traitors (see assessment) heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God, having a form of godliness (Kerry the Catholic believes life begins at conception but supports abortion ‘rights’), but denying the power thereof :(One nation, under God?) . . . to which, Paul warns the Church, “from such turn away.”


This is perhaps the lowest I've ever seen a Wing Nut go. And if you've read the Dark Window for any length of time, you know that's saying something.

This is not intended as an exhortation for one political party or a condemnation of the other. They stand either condemned or justified on the weight of their own positions.

Sure, Jack.

The point of this column is actually made by 1 Timothy 1:1.

Before presenting a literal description of the worldview of the America liberal left, Paul opens by saying;

“This know also, that IN THE LAST DAYS, perilous times shall come.”

Questions, anyone?


How on earth could I question anybody with enough authority to put words into God's mouth?


Jack Kinsella, The New Voice Of God

Ed. Note: It occurs to me that many of you may be wondering why I would choose to devote such a lengthy entry to somebody as apparently obscure as Jack Kinsella. Especially since even by Seb's standards this wasn't a particularly funny piece. Well, the sad fact is that Jack's not nearly as obscure as he probably should be. People like him (and Hal Lindsey) have an enormous audience and a great deal of influence, whether through Christian television (TBN), print media, or the internet. We ignore these people at our own peril.

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Monday, August 23, 2004

Fun With Wing Nut Collectibles

In our quest to keep up with all the latest Right Wing trends here at the Dark Window, we recently came across a "new" product that all the cool Wing Nuts are talking about. You see, some brilliant patriots got it into their heads that you can never have enough of a good thing. Well, enough of a thing, anyway.

And so they came up with an item that bills itself as "The Definitive Collection of Political Playing Cards."

Please, ladies and gentlemen, try to keep your composure.

Liberty Productions is pleased to make available the 2004 edition of the Bush League All Stars collection of political playing cards. Combining a generous mix of satire, art, and conservative commentary, the Bush League All Stars constitute a heaping five-course meal of conservative red meat served up for the vast right-wing conspiracy to devour in droves!

I certainly won't malign the idea that this set is a good representation of a heaping five-course meal of conservative red meat.

Add to this collection a very special tribute deck honoring the Coalition-of-the-Willing, and what you end up with is an entertaining and enlightening election year collectible that no politics junkie or informed voter should be without.

The Coalition-of-the-Willing set: defining every possible meaning of 'not playing with a full deck.'

Have you grown tired of the endless barrage of hastily-assembled, overpriced cookie-cutter political playing card decks that have flooded the market since the release of the popular Iraqi Most Wanted deck of cards? Your patient wait for reasonably priced, top-notch conservative satire is finally over!

Yeah, nothing "cookie-cutter" about that! I guess there's a reason why everybody calls Liberty Productions the Sadly, No! of political playing card manufacturers.

“Why pay upwards of $14.95 for ONE DECK of boring photos and annoying rants? Why not get a better bang for your buck with SIX DECKS of unrestrained right-wing satire and patriotic tribute – and all for just $29.95? These are quality cards, folks. Printed on 300 Corona 2-Ply card stock by world renowned card manufacturer, Carta Mundi, these cards are the real deal!

Well, at least somebody on the Right has finally acknowledged that all those other decks were pretty boring. But that's some logic. One deck = boring. Six decks = hours of unrestrained fun.

Uh...Woohoo!

SO LET US REVIEW....
$14.95 FOR ONE DECK OF CRUD = BAD DECISION!!


I'll certainly agree with that.

$29.95 FOR SIX DECKS OF QUALITY = GOOD DECISION!!

It is, after all, the American way. If one of something is bad, then six of the exact same thing must be positively sublime.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE---IT GETS EVEN BETTER!!!

You can hardly imagine my excitement at this moment.

BUY TWO SETS, GET ONE FREE!!
SO WHAT THIS MEANS IS....


I may be a little slow but I'm pretty sure I know what that means. I would wager that even Seb knows what it means.

GOOD DECISION X 2 = FREE STUFF!!
WHICH MEANS YOU CAN THEN....
USE ONE SET FOR CARD GAMES....
GIVE ONE SET AS A GIFT...
AND SAVE THE THIRD AS A COLLECTIBLE!


That's right. If you’re truly cool, you'll actually buy 18 decks of these things.

“It’s a slam-dunk win-win. You get the best conservative satire ever slapped onto the face of a playing card, PLUS you are contributing to a worthy and timely cause.

Who wouldn't want the best conservative satire "ever slapped onto the face of a playing card?"

To those who think they can beat us on quality and price, we proudly quote the heiress-leeching, running-mate-ass-slapping, ski-crashing, botox-injecting, Whoopi-loving, intern-shipping, throwing-a-baseball-like-a-girl, sleep-inducing, flip-flopping, long-faced Massachusetts liberal who, by the way, served in Vietnam, in laying down our challenge to them to....BRING....IT....ON!!!!

I was about to quote the oil-worshipping, bunker-hiding, draft-dodging, Halliburton-protecting, crooked-mouthed Wyoming Wing Nut but realized that would probably be inappropriate at a family blog such as this one.

But don’t purchase just yet.

I promise I won't.

Take a few moments, if you will, and come join us for a brief tour of political playing cards the way they were meant to be made!

As taught in the seminal 1927 work Political Playing Card Manufacturing: An Industrial Primer.

These cards have been designed for those folks who have more than a passing interest in politics, have ever been referred to by others as a politics junkie, a political junkie, maybe a news junkie, or perhaps even a newshound or a news hound.

Translation: anybody who has ever been referred to as a Wing Nut, a wing nut, a wingnut, or perhaps even a wing-nut.

These cards are geared towards the vast right-wing conspiracy, towards those looking for conservative humor, or conservative cartoons, or perhaps an art form called conservative satire, or conservative parody, call it political humor, even political satire, heck, why not even call it political parody?

Heck, why call it that when you can call it keyword spamming?

So how about some examples of these quality cards. Let's start by looking at the Loopy Liberals, a group described thusly:

Next up is Loopy Leftists, a witty gathering of entertainment dunderheads, dorky activists, and left-wing “intellectuals”, all of whom share an undying love for liberalism and a never-ending disdain for America.

For starters, there’s MoveOn.org’s Wes Boyd Remember him? He says the president is a “misleader”. We say if anyone knows misleaders, it’s Wes Boyd.

Best conservative satire slapped onto a playing card indeed! "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"

And naturally, no deck of mental misfits would be complete without the Stupid White Man– no, not Rob Reiner or Al Franken, but those are good guesses! Are we having fun yet?

I kinda hate to break it to you guys but...

In the five-hole we present Thugs & Weasels, a witty yet sobering survey of evil-doers, bad-boys, and ne’er-do-wells who threaten the world’s pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness, ignominiously joined by the wusses and putzes who enable and encourage them.

Say, did Doug Giles write that?

Saddam Hussein understood well his best chance to re-open the rape-rooms.

Abu Ghraib? Nope. John Kerry.

Here's the card:



Gerhard Schroeder wasn’t nearly as confident.



Mohammed Atta is finding that Paradise isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Evidently because hell is filled with European girls.



And of course what group that includes Mohammed Atta would be complete without also including Jimmy Carter?



But lest you think these decks only disparage liberals, there's also this final deck that honors our most valiant heroes.

This deck pays honor and respect to the brave leaders of the Coalition-of-the-Willing, whose moral clarity and intellectual honesty enabled them to stand proudly with America up to and throughout the duration of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Sure. How else would you describe the decision to invade Iraq than "intellectual honesty?"

So there you have it, folks. 101 of the best reasons to treat you and your friends, family and colleagues to the best that political playing cards have to offer. And if that wasn't enough, it is our pleasure to inform you that the best satire, parody, and commentary lies within the 200+ cards we didn't even show you!

I should certainly hope so!

See you later, everybody. I'm off to practice my shuffling skills.

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Sunday, August 22, 2004

Our Very First Award...STOLEN

We at the Dark Window were overwhelmed with joy and gratitude when it was announced that we had won the very prestigious and highly sought-after McManama Award over the weekend.

Some guy named Pete runs a hilarious website called the dark window where he picks apart the arguments of right-wingnuts. His site is certainly the best of the genre, even though Sadly, No! (aparently run by some guy named Seb) is pretty good as well.

So imagine our surprise and disappointment when just hours later we read this at Andrew McManama's website:

Please Don't Hurt Me!!

Alarmed by such a frightening headline and scared for our new friend Andrew, we quickly read on.

I clearly made a mistake a couple of days ago, as the kind people of Sadly, No! pointed out.

Sounds like somebody had a little conversation with Andrew. I wonder who in the world it could possibly be.

But back to our bullied friend.

Dark Window isn't the funniest blog, it's TBogg but I plead ignorance! I hadn't ever been to it before they informed me.

There you have it, dear readers. Seb and that sinister lingerie-obsessed guy over at TBogg have teamed up to threaten anybody who claims to be a fan of the Dark Window. Are the two "tough guys" trying to compensate for a humiliating deficiency elsewhere? We'd hate to speculate (but we certainly encourage you to do so).

Unlike other delicate flowers in the blogging world, we promise never to threaten people who enjoy reading other websites. Well, unless they're reading Jesus' General. But that's just because we're jealous of how funny it is.

In the meantime, if you're easily intimidated, we won't hold it against you if you choose to visit a blog whose idea of original humor amounts to little more than quoting old Seinfeld episodes. That's just the kind of nice people we are here.

We'd like to close by offering a special thanks to Andrew for his far too kind words and short-lived award. We'll always cherish the three hours during which it belonged to us.

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Friday, August 20, 2004

World O'Tribute: S.Z. Turns One

August 20th, 2003: Exactly one year ago today. It was a day that started like any other day. The sun rose, Rush Limbaugh popped a few pills, and Wing Nuts all over the country shrieked. Yet this day turned out to be far from ordinary.

Had you been wandering around Salon.com and decided to look at the new blogs, you might have clicked on one that seemed, well, not quite like the others.

Here's the first thing you would have seen:



And beneath that these now-immortal words appeared:

Why You Should Read My Blog: It Will Serve You Coffee

And so began what we now know as the single-greatest (and funniest) blog on earth: World O'Crap.

Fortunately, the lovely and multi-talented writer who penned those words listed some reasons why the non-coffee-drinkers among us might want to read it as well.

“Here's why: because my blog is going to be about things we can all relate to. You know, cheesy movies, annoying politicans, weird advertising, Ann Coulter.

Sure. Who can't relate to Ann Coulter? Oh, wait. There's more.

And MORE!. Yes, all the mediocre, uninspired, muddle-headed, and just plain wrong stuff from this millennium and the previous one will be our playing field. And I, the Blogger With No Name who just road into town this weak with the naive and misguided impression I can clean up the town, will be your tour guide.”

Thank Heavens Frederick wasn't around yet because the spelling in that last sentence may very well have killed him.

Anyway, after what can only be called a misguided early attempt to become the Lileks of the Left, the blogger now known as S.Z. soon began to find her own delightful voice (as well as a strange new blog template). Here's one of her earliest offerings:

It seems that this guy Rob Moore is just not going to get his rock out of the rotunda--at least, not until the media stops covering this story.

Fortunately, S.Z. had a plan. And a lofty plan it was.

And while there have been a lot of people interviewed about the situation (Rob, his supporters, the Alabama State Attorney General, the ACLU, Jerry Falwell, etc.), it seems that nobody has talked to perhaps the key player in all of this: God.

Apparently she hadn't yet heard of Pat Robertson. Apparently she also hadn't heard that Rob's name is actually Roy. But I guess that's beside the point.

So, I got in touch with God's press secretary and managed to set up a short lunch meeting. Here's a transcript of our conversation:

And as you've probably already learned, those voices in S.Z.'s head tend to be pretty dang funny.

Me: Thanks for agreeing to talk with me.

God: No problem. I meet so few reporters these days that I felt it was my duty.

Me: Hey, was that a slam?!? But let's move on. As you know . . .

God: Yes. I'm omniscient.


I'll just let that one sink in for a moment.

After a few days of discussing Rush Limbaugh and Judge Roy Moore with God, S.Z. began to branch out from the small realm of metaphysics and politics and began to explore a larger world. Yes, she began to cook actual "regrettable" recipes from America's golden age.

I never thought it would come to this, but World O' Crap readers (and consequently, my new best friends) Cowboy K. and A. Steele have dared me to actually prepare "Sea Dream Salad," so I guess I'll have to (our national security is at stake, you know). So, I'll stock up on lime Jell-O, cucumbers, cayenne pepper, and various forms of marine life, and will endeavor to make the dish later this week. Unless Homeland Security downgrades the Code Lime Green, of course.

Ah, yes, lime green alerts. Those really were innocent times, weren't they? But Cowboy K. and A. Steele? Obviously made-up names. Well, made-up porn names. Not hard to figure out where S.Z. was finding her inspiration during those early days, is it? I believe you'll find that her obsession with porn and male genitalia only deepened as time went on. So please, by all means, keep reading.

Several days (and Bill O'Reillys) later, S.Z. made good on her promise and cooked up a lime green wonder.

But how did it taste, you ask? Well, um, okay, actually. I've been a little queasy ever since I heard the news about Bill O'Reilly being JLo, so I wasn't sure I dared sample the disgusting-looking goop, but I did it, just for you, and discovered it was was pretty good (or maybe that's just the delirium talking). I put some mayonnaise on the cucumbers, and the combination of tangy/sweet Jell-O, crunchy cukes, creamy mayonnaise, and mildly salty alleged shrimp was surprisingly satisfying. I recommend you try a Jello recipe featuring meat, vegetables, and vinegar today!

Sure thing, S.Z.

So how did she manage to top the cooking segments? Well, as her comfort behind the keys grew, so did her power. She seems to have first noticed this newfound influence on September 14th.

In the early hours of 8 September I used a quote from a Warren Zevon song; later that day, his death was announced. On 11 September I posted an image of Jonny Quest; on 12 September we learned of the deaths of both Jonny Cash and John Ritter. I believe I am responsible for their deaths, and I apologize.

Responsible...but not responsible enough to stop her murderous blogging. So remember, next time you read one of her jokes and exclaim, "Ha! She slays me!"...Well, be careful.

Friday, November 26th, was a momentous day in the World O'Crap world. In fact, I would choose to categorize this day as her coming of age. For this was the revolutionary day upon which S.Z. first decided to summarize the loony columns at Town Hall.

Hey, it's the day before Thanksgiving, and the Town Hall columnists have been busy little beavers, churning out SEVENTEEN new pieces for today. They must imagine that everyone is planning on devoting their entire long weekend to "the flagship on the web for conservatives everywhere." But I don't think that's really the case. Today's busy conservatives everywhere have errands to run, food to cook, marriages to preserve, and crosses to burn, and so they don't have time to read and digest this many new Town Hall columns.

But they also don't want to miss out on possible new developments in the lives of their favorite pundits, such as Ben Shapiro getting laid or Ann Coulter explaining that Adam's apple. So, to make life easier for everyone, I've provided a capsule summary of ALL of today's Town Hall columns, as well as providing a representative quote from said column. No, no need to thank me. Knowing that I'm helping to combat the evil liberal plan to "portray our side as mean-spirited and heartless in order to turn the American public against us" is reward enough.


False advertising aside (we never did hear about Ben getting laid or Ann explaining her mannish neck), S.Z. knew she'd hit upon something good. Somewhere between her natural brilliance and sheer intellectual laziness, she'd managed to come up with a golden formula for success. Here she is just two days later:

Since I have no creativity left today, I'm going to once again just summarize the Town Hall columns. As on the 26th, the recurring themes are: Gay Marriage is Bad, the Medicare Bill is Bad, Ronald Reagan is Good, and Thanksgiving Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry About Iraq. But today you also get Rich Lowry's favorite beer ads, Ollie North's call for more Wayne Newtons, and some info on which races make the best newspaper men:

Boy, that could have been last week. Well, except for the Thanksgiving part. Not surprisingly, the Town Hall summaries continued two days later. And then the day after that. And then two days later she summarized them yet again:

Nothing exceptionally goofy today, just the usual mean-spiritedness, some same-sex marriage doomifiying, and a batch of Bush boosting. Oh, and a giant snow penis.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the giant snow penis. It was that same day that S.Z. chose to reveal a deep-seated fantasy that should perhaps have been allowed to remain hidden:

While I don't think that a giant snow penis implicitly threatens any women (except, perhaps, for petite snowwomen --it really CAN be too big for some women), I kinda like the idea that it replace the "Southern Cross" as a symbol of white racist pride.

Uh...ye-eah. Why don't we just move on.

The year 2003 ended with a flurry of Town Hall summaries, Rush Limbaugh jokes, more Town Hall summaries, and a brilliant decision to infiltrate the GOP.

And speaking of people who infiltrate the GOP in order to do nefarious things, I am a Team Leader for the RNC. Well, I didn't MEAN to be one -- I just gave them my email address so they could send me their "Democratic Candidate Bingo" card (which they never did, BTW), and now I am provided with the following Benefits:

Benefit #1 being her torrid (but surprisingly loveless) affair with Karl Rove. Yes, I know. Disgusting. I won't even mention benefits 6-9. This is, after all, a family blog.

Before we finish out the year, though, I must mention an event that changed my life forever. You see, it was on Christmas Eve that I read my very first blog entry. Until that day, I hadn't even known what a "blog" was. My awakening happened like this: I had just read a column of some sort by World Net Daily columnist Vox Day and thought it might be fun to do a Google search on him and the U.N. (I had my suspicions even then). Within the portentous search results that greeted me, I saw a strange website listed – a site known simply as blogs.salon.com/0002874. From the moment I clicked on it, I was hooked. I think maybe it was the casual (yet authoritative) way S.Z. suggested the following for Vox and fellow boy toy columnist Ben Shapiro:

So, even though Vox is Southern Baptist and Ben is a rabbi, and Ben is a virgin (while Vox has been accused of being a sexist pornographer), I still think that somebody should arrange a play-date for the two young men.

Boy, now that I know Vox, I think that's even funnier than I did then. A surreal follow-up to this came later when Vox decided he quite liked World O'Crap as well and gave S.Z. (whom he called Eponymous) a special mention at his own blog:

He's generally not inclined to take me on, unfortunately, and his readers are about as intellectually sophisticated as you'd imagine, but he is the one funny left-wing blogger that I've encountered. Sure, the obsession with who Ben Shapiro and Kyle Williams are not sleeping with gets old, but one must give credit where credit is due and I happen to find it amusing. Maybe you won't, but hey, it's my blog.

At this point, somebody seems to have clued Vox in to S.Z.'s true gender and he responded by writing this now-legendary phrase:

Apparently he is a she. I was under the mistaken impression that Eponymous was a homosexual he.

Of course we all know now that gender confusion is a fairly common occurrence in Vox's world but that was probably our first real glimpse.

As the new year progressed, S.Z. flirted with Amber Pawlik, obsessed about Janet Jackson's nipple, and started the World O'Crap book club.

Everybody else has a book club. Oprah has one. "The Today Show" has one. Even Kelly Ripa has one. ("Fun, frivolous, fast and fiction, that's what Reading With Ripa is all about.") But when I saw that Sean Hannity had one I said to myself, "Damn, what a crappy book club! Say, that gives me an idea. . . ! "

And so, welcome to the World O'Crap Book Club -- featuring crappy books that we haven't read, and which we encourage you not to read either.


And you know what? I never did read them. Good thing too because most of them were by people like Michael Savage and Dr. Laura.

On February 5th, S.Z. made history by revealing the secret identity of anonymous high-profile bloggers like Atrios, TBOGG, and the weird guy who runs Sadly, No!

Blog: Sadly, No!

Real Name of blogger: Dr. Seb No!

Address: 9 Brottenwurstenslagen Way, Munich, Germany

Occupation: Supervillian, international spy

Family: Wife Amber; adopted grownup son Frederick.


Hehe. Jokes at the expense of Seb and Frederick just never get old, do they?

Anyway, this mention of Seb is probably a good time to throw things over to him because he's going to be covering things from here with his (I'm sure equally insipid) S.Z.: The Later Months. Of course just between you and me, Seb's been hitting the wowie sauce a little hard these past couple of days so I can't vouch for his part.

But one last personal note before we head over to Sadly, No!. I cannot finish without mentioning what is perhaps S.Z.'s most nefarious deed. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she is the one who first introduced the world to the Dark Window.

Pete M., whom you might remember from the comments section of such blogs as this one, has started his own blog, DarkWindow. He promises it will be required reading in all major univesities that Ben Shapiro may Google. And it has a cute mugshot of somebody who may be Pete.

Cute, eh? Is S.Z., as Frederick has so eloquently put it, "warm for my form?" Well, only time will tell (we're hoping yes). But in the meantime, I close by saying this:

In a world of cookie-cutter blogs and supermarket personalities, S.Z. stands out as an original voice and a truly wonderful human being. She has an extraordinary gift for making us laugh day in and day out and has never asked for anything in return.

I can't tell you how comforting it is to know that no matter how bad a day I might be having, fun conversation with friends and laughs at Wing Nuts' expense are only a short click of the mouse away.

Thanks for all the hard work and dedication, S.Z. You've touched more lives than you realize. And on a more personal note, thank you for all of your support, encouragement, and kind words. Any success I've had here at the Dark Window is directly attributable to you and Seb and I am most grateful. I love the things you do but, more importantly, I cherish your friendship.

You deserve far more than this lame-ass tribute but since lame-ass is what we specialize in here at the Dark Window, let me be the first to say: Happy first birthday!

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In Other News...

Special thanks to my good friend Ivan for the heads-up about S.Z.'s blogiversary. And for those of you who aren't reading Ivan's extraordinary blog, I want to take a moment to recommend it. If you have any interest in the golden age of Hollywood films or old-time radio, you won't find a better treasure trove of information and enjoyable anecdotes than Ivan's amazing website. There's nothing on the web quite like Thrilling Days Of Yesteryear so please, go check it out!

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Thursday, August 19, 2004

If You're Not Wearing God On Your Sleeve...

...You Might Need A New Shirt.

That's the brilliant title of Debbie Daniel's new column over at GOP USA. It's all about how Jesus should be the true ruler of our country and that we should vote for him in this upcoming election. But since he's not actually running, I think we're supposed to vote for the surrogate savior - George W. Bush.

So, go out today and get yourself a new shirt because you're not getting it done with the one you're wearing.

Might we suggest a fine Christian t-shirt?

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself and wonder what in the world I'm doing. I've never been political in my life, but I've always been patriotic. I've never tried to be sanctimonious, but today my "righteous indignation" is showing and I'm learning, "there is a profound difference" . . . as young Ron Reagan would say . . . so the march has begun, the fight is on. [Ellipses hers]

If you thought Janet Jackson's nipple scarred our children, just wait until they get a gander at Debbie's righteous indignation.


Debbie Daniel, Exhibitionist For The Lord

It's not about a candidate for President; it's about principles . . . our faith. This election is about good and evil, right and wrong, God and no-God.

I sure hope John Kerry's priest doesn't hear that he's running on the no-God platform. Then he really won't get to take communion!

I profess to be a Christian, but some who wish I'd lay my pen down, tell me I'm no such thing. So, I'll call myself a Christian with many flaws, in training to be a soldier in the army of God.

Kind of like a Christian Lynndie England.

This brings up a question I need to ask: As a nation founded on Judeo-Christian principles, what are we going to do with God? . . . The Almighty God . . . the One True Living God?

Uh...Go out for cocktails? Seems like a weird question.

And what are we going to do with Jesus . . . The Son of the Living God? . . . The reason we celebrate Christmas. If it's not the One True God, then Jesus has no meaning in our lives.

I wonder if Jesus likes dancing. I think I'll give him a call.

When we refer to "Under God," . . . "In God We Trust," . . . or "God Bless America," there are some who would have you believe it's whatever "god" you want to make it. Just pick and choose your god and that's the one we're talking about.

Remember, all those things refer only to Debbie's God.

Are we trying to relegate the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob to be the same God as Mohammed, Buddha, or Allah?

Not one of them is the One True Living God of the Bible . . . and once again, there is a profound difference.


Yeah, so vote for Bush!

If you really don't believe God as anything to do with our country or this election . . . I wouldn't tell HIM.

Whom should we tell then? That gossipy Lucianne Goldberg maybe?

If you're making statements like that and have never experienced the wrath of God . . . Woe be to you, my friend.

Yes, I'm fairly confident that Debbie's friends experience a great deal of woe.

The young Ron Reagan who speaks with just a slight smirk of proud defiance, would have us believe that his father did not walk around wearing his faith on his sleeve, but when the ballet dancer was "pirouetting" around the country denouncing his father's every word, it just seems strange that the son now comprehends the exact meaning of his father's faith, and can now speak for him in his death.

Oooooh, ballet dancer...I'll bet he's a homosexual, too!

The late President once said: "Without God, democracy will not and cannot long endure. If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."

I'm sorry, but Ron, you are no Ronald Reagan.


Well, you know, technically he is, Debbie...

When God spoke to Moses in Exodus 3:15, he said, "I am the God of your Fathers, of Abraham, of Isaac, and the God of Jacob . . . this is my name forever, the name by which I am to be remembered from generation to generation." It was there that God presented Moses with the Ten Commandments. He didn't give them to Buddha or Mohammed. And that's not Allah holding those two stone tablets.

It's actually Charlton Heston.

So, do we need to bring in the bull-dozers and fire up the jackhammers? Maybe not, I already feel the rumbling of the earth below as those Founding Fathers "roll over in their graves" and I don't believe God is none too happy with us either.

I don't believe I'm none too happy with Debbie's writing, either.

The call to God is being omitted everyday from our textbooks. It was Patrick Henry who said, "Give me liberty or give me death", but these words not seen: "An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us . . . we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that presides over the destinies of nations."

Hard to argue with that. What textbook shouldn't include a call to God?

Why, we've already bull-dozed the Ten Commandments out of the Rotunda of Judge Roy Moore's Alabama Courthouse. The remains are in hiding.

And just this week an activist judge in Harris County, Texas (Houston) has ruled that a Bible enclosed in a monument that has been on display for nearly 50 years must be removed because it might encourage people to read the Bible. Well, hark if that should happen!

Yes, hark!

We are in a fight for our survival, so if your sleeve doesn't show it, maybe you could wear a band that says, "I'm voting for Almighty God in this election" and then place your vote where it will count.

What in the world could I say to top that?

Thanks for the fine column, Debbie! I'm definitely changing my shirt after reading that!

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Teresa Heinz Kerry: Imperious Bitch

That's the word from another fine GOP USA column - this one by the lovely-spirited Jan Ireland.

Teresa Heinz Kerry married astronomical wealth, and less than a decade ago John Kerry married her.

They are now trying to buy the presidency of the United States.


Say, I thought the Wing Nuts were making a big deal about how Teresa wouldn't give John any of her money. Never let it be said that they can't see both sides of an argument.

When thwarted at a campaign rally by the simple presence of Bush supporters who want the President reelected, Teresa incited the return chant of "Four more years of hell!" It was the same occasion at which Hubby John accused George Bush of sending the "Republican goon squad."

Da-amn! Teresa really is an imperious bitch! If somebody ever said "four more years of hell" to me I'd punch her in the face.

Teresa's body language toward John Kerry often suggests that she does not like him. She eschews kisses, contact, even publicly criticizes him.

If there's one thing Jan can read, it's the human body.


Jan Ireland, FBI (Female Body Inspector)

He did not criticize her, even after hearing of her "Shove it!" to a reporter pressing for a journalistic clarification.

Curse Teresa's Frenchman husband for not criticizing her! Everybody knows that the sign of a truly godly man is public criticism of his wife.

First Lady Laura Bush was at a Citicorp building recently for an event. Teresa was to make a simultaneous appearance, until staffers realized she would have to interact with "real people" in an "unstaged event."

Thank God our President would never do that!

Though John Kerry is supposed to have wanted the presidency since childhood, I think it is Teresa who wants it far more. As foreign-born, she has no hope of running, though the mutterings recently of a constitutional amendment to allow that might have been for her (rather than Arnold Schwarzenegger or Jennifer Granholm.)

Who cares if all the evidence points to a contrary conclusion? Jan reads body language!

A case could be made that John Kerry was one of Teresa's imperious demands of the moment that she thought would win the presidency for her. A similar case could suggest that Teresa Heinz was exactly that for John Kerry when he married her.

Only they know.


It is possible that Jan has sex with sheep. Only she knows.

In America we expect that individual hard work will result in financial success, and that holders of great wealth will responsibly administer their largesse. When riches come through windfall or ploy, expectations can derail.

When one writes for the GOP USA, expectations tend to derail as well. And we're talking serious train wreck.

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The Dark Window's Newest Feature

If you're interested in Dark Window syndication, we have just discovered (thanks to 3Mote and Seb) our XML feed. I'm not entirely sure how to use it but it's right over there on the sidebar for your enjoyment.

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Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back Into Your Wardrobe

For those of you who are new to the Dark Window, I would like to introduce a semi-regular feature here - one that we haven't done in a while. Every so often the Dark Window takes a look at cutting-edge End Times witnessing tools for Christians of the Wing Nut variety. Please note that we are not slamming Christians. Just those who would exploit Christianity for various acts of Wing Nuttery and profit. Okay, enough with the disclaimer.

Today we're going to examine some t-shirts made by our friends at Christian Outfitters. If you haven't heard of Christian Outfitters before, well, they're kind of like the Coors Light of Right Wing Christianity. Here are some of their finest offerings. And in case you missed the runway shows, this is what all the most fashionable Wing Nuts are wearing this season.



And racist by the grace of God.




Looks like maybe the Saviour should have washed his hands first, though.




That one's kind of hard to read. The text says: "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin againist Thee." Unseen text on the back reads: "But since that didn't work, I swallowed my cross."




Save yourself some time and effort. Get six poor kids from Indonesia to pray for you instead.




But not feeling so well!




No explanation really necessary on that one, I think.




I don't mean to sound negative but does that look like somebody you'd want to let in?




Because he's currently vacationing in the south of France.




"Hey, ya know...He looked like a furiner. How tha hell was I supposed ta know who he was? This is Texas after all."




Translation: God took my smug ass to heaven and all you get is this lousy used t-shirt.


Hopefully you've been as enlightened by these uplifting designs as I, Dear Readers. If you still want more Wing Nuttism, I point you to a couple of our past installments:

More Fun With Christian T-Shirts
Even More Fun With Christian T-Shirts
Kirk Cameron Shows Us The Way Of The Master

In the meantime, please dress responsibly. And don't forget to tune in next time for another action-packed episode of Adventures In End Times Witnessing!

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Tuesday, August 17, 2004

A Brilliant Plan To Escape The Sodomites

Not long after the Dark Window first opened back in May we brought you the story of a very special Wing Nut group called Christian Exodus. They're the ones that wanted to take over an entire state and form their own godly government, mainly because homosexuals were taking over the towns and cities in which they were trying to live. Back then the plan was still pretty hazy and even the group's President, when asked what the state's new laws would be, replied, "Independence first, details later."

Well, our friends at Christian Exodus are back in the news and this time their story is being told by an organization far more respected than other than World Net Daily. Yes, Fox News is currently running a piece entitled A Free (and Christian) South Carolina?.

Nearly 140 years after the Civil War, another group of Americans wants to secede from the union.

Christian Exodus, a California-based group, wants God to be its commander in chief. Decrying what it perceives as the unjust secularization of the United States, it wants a sovereign state of its own.

But rather than eye the Golden State — a "lost cause," says the group's founder — it'll settle for South Carolina.


I'm sure the good people of South Carolina will be pleased about that on several levels. Here's the plan:

Phase One of the group's "plan of action" in breaking down the wall between church and state is to enlist groups of 1,000 members to move into 12 designated House districts in South Carolina, with the goal of voting 12 "Christian sovereigntists" into the state government by 2008.

Subsequent similar phases will then go into effect. If by 2016 group leaders have not achieved the kind of government they want, Christian Exodus will throw down the gauntlet and seek independence.


Right. Subsequent similar phases. So just who are these godly visionaries?

The group comprises "mainstream evangelical Christians" who oppose abortion under all circumstances, want prayer in schools and hope to live far from "sodomites."

Living "far from sodomites" appears to be the main motivating factor for group members. How do I know this? Well, let's take a trip over to the Christian Exodus website. If you're an actual sodomite, I would encourage you not to get too close.

The first thing we are greeted with is this scary headline in large, bold print:

THE PROBLEM

Directly beneath that is the following photo:



Well, those girls do seem pretty scary and evil. You're then asked to click on the photo of the Satan Girls to see another representation of the problem.



Yes, dear readers, happiness and smiling will definitely be frowned upon in the new land of Christiania. But lest you think the problem only involves happy homosexuals, Christian Exodus goes on to list a few other evils as well.

- Abortion continues against the wishes of many States
- Sodomite marriage is now legal in Massachusetts (and coming soon to a neighborhood near you)
- Children who pray in public schools are subject to prosecution
- Our schools continue to teach the discredited theory of Darwinian evolution
- The Bible is still not welcome in schools except under unconstitutional FEDERAL guidelines
- The 10 Commandments remain banned from public display
- Sodomy is now legal AND celebrated as "diversity" rather than condemned as perversion
- Preaching Christianity will soon be outlawed as "hate speech"


And there's also this helpful warning:

Attempts at reform have proven futile. Future elections will not stop the above atrocities, but rather will exacerbate them and lead us down an even more deadly path.

That's right. Today it's only the homos that are happy. If we vote tomorrow, we may very well find ourselves confronted with atrocities like happy biologists or even happy Muslims. And if the thought of happy Muslims doesn't make you want to puke then you're probably a treasonous liberal sissy.

To see what kind of progress Christian Exodus has been making during the past 3 months, I decided to read the inaugural "President's Column". Unfortunately, things appear not to be running entirely smoothly.

The second topic I must discuss is the existence of opposition to ChristianExodus.org. It should come as no surprise that in a nation of 280 million people, many of whom hate Christianity, we will come up against folks who disagree with us.

It's that damn diversity!

Well, some hate Christians so much they are even willing to commit fraud. Recently our discussion boards have come under attack by imposters claiming to be my wife and/or me. These lunatics then say the most revolting and vile things in the hopes of confusing our faithful readers and damaging our efforts. So please remember these two simple facts and scrutinize any posts or e-mails claiming to be authored by my wife or myself.

Remember, fellow patriots...In the future, you are only to read the vile things written by this guy because everybody else appearing to be a lunatic will be faking it:


President Cory Burnell

And besides, his wife knows her role and doesn't post.

1. My wife does not participate online with CE in any way, shape or form. Therefore, NO posts claiming to be from her are authentic.

Dang. I'd kind of hoped for a photo. Fortunately, the news is not all bad.

I am happy to report that we continue to experience success, as Christians from around the country join our ranks and express support for our strategy. It now requires the most earnest dedication from our members to promote ChristianExodus.org to friends and family, and to stay the course. We have a tremendous battle in front of us for the next 10 years, so perseverance and persistence on our part is an absolute necessity. If we will stay the course, we will witness the most amazing events in the history of our nation. We are truly blazing a new trail that will end with the successful re-establishment of constitutionally limited government founded upon Christian principles. Government in America will once again glorify the Creator.

Their trail seems to be blazing alright. I'll give them that. Be sure to check back with the Dark Window in ten years for the exciting conclusion to our story. In the meantime, feel free to post your own vile lunacy at the Christian Exodus site.

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