Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: May 2004

Prepare to be horrified...

Sunday, May 30, 2004

How Mel Gibson Saved Our Economy

It's Memorial Day weekend here in America and that means just one thing...MOVIES!!! That's right. It's time for Hollywood to start rolling out its big summer blockbusters and persecuting Christians everywhere. But things are different this summer. And we're going to let A. Gregory Stone, a Business Professor at Regent University, tell us why.

Ever made a bad decision? All the major studio executives are kicking themselves for having turned down the opportunity to work with Mel Gibson on his movie, The Passion of The Christ.

That was a stupid decision!


As was reading this article, I'm beginning to think.

We saw Gibson put our country's founding fathers' principles to work. He showed us how to make things happen instead of wonder what happened.

I know this much. After watching Mel's movie I no longer wonder what happens when a bird pecks a guy's eye out and I'm going to make sure I never happen to see this movie again. Don't ever let it be said that the Dark Window isn't founding fatherly in its principles.

Take a creative idea, find the resources to launch it, and don't take 'no' for an answer. Pretty simple stuff.

Remake a really old story, be rich, and hear what you want to hear. That is pretty simple stuff.

By persevering in the face of rejection and defeat, Gibson created jobs at a time when our nation needed every one of them to strengthen the rebounding economy. The creation of jobs is a critically important factor since small businesses employ well over half of all working Americans.

Which is why, of course, he decided to film the whole thing in Italy.

Gibson and other small businesses create more than half of the new jobs. Their share of employment remains at 50%, however, because some small businesses ultimately grow and become large businesses. If you look at every one of the Fortune 500 companies, they all started as a small business -- an entrepreneur with an idea who persisted! Since Gibson has probably already grown beyond the 'small business' classification, let's just forget about him, his movie, his idea, his Passion. That mindset kind of makes you feel a little like a majore [sic] movie studio executive.

I would love to forget about Mel and his movie but I think that scene where the chunks of flesh were flying off of Jesus' back will render that forever impossible.

And one more quick question. Why would I, as a good patriotic American, want to feel like a "majore movie studio executive?" Wouldn't that just cause me to give no as my answer and stop other budding Mel Gibsons from becoming large businesses? That seems like the last thing our country needs right now. Do you hate America, Professor Stone?

Just as the United States owes its homesteaders for the settlement of our country, it further owes its economic preeminence to the entrepreneurial talents and technological innovations of its risk-taking small businesses.

Because as we all know, there was nobody living here before the homesteaders.

Thanks, Mel, for giving us all a public glimpse of this ugly industry decision-making process that buried its opportunity. More importantly, thanks for the reminder that we are in the country where, if we are not careful, every one of us could go out, take a step of faith, and do the same successful thing you did!

Oh. That makes me kind of nervous. I'd better start being more careful because I'm not sure I want to go out, take a step of faith, and make the most violent movie of all-time. Thanks for the reminder indeed!

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Friday, May 28, 2004

The Dark Window Goes on Vacation

That's right, friends. This blog is getting on an airplane early Friday morning to go visit its father back east and won't be home until Tuesday night (June 1st). I've already written a couple of pieces that I'll try to post from the road (if I can get to a computer) so if you'll be around during the holiday weekend, feel free to check back. Otherwise, please try not to break anything while I'm gone.

Thanks,

The Management

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Checking in with the Future

Well, it's one of my favorite times of the week: Hal Lindsey's latest words of prophetic wisdom are out! If you're not familiar with Hal, he's the moustachioed fellow who keeps us abreast of God's timetable for sending His son back down to earth to kill liberals and terrorists.

If you haven't met Hal yet, you may enjoy poking around his website. Like all the best Christian ministries, his website prominently displays his photo and name throughout and has many links to Conservative news sources. He calls it the "Hal Lindsey Oracle" and, much like that ancient Oracle at Delphi, he seems to hold back on giving you the good stuff until you agree to send him some of your hard-earned lucre. Let's see what he's offering us today:

According to Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, President Bush "has on his shoulders the deaths of many more troops, because he would not heed the advice of his own State Department of what to expect after May 1 when he ... declared that major combat is over." The Islamic media was tickled to find a quote from an American political leader saying the American president has blood on his hands. They couldn't have said it better themselves.

Kind of an abrupt beginning to your column, Hal, but at least we don't have to wade through a bunch of fluff to find out where you're taking us. That's right, folks. It's time for another exciting edition of Terrorists Love the Democrats! Of course his frickin' loony well thought-out argument implies that people who vote for Democrats are basically voting for Osama Bin Laden so we could just as easily entitle it Democrats Love the Terrorists!

Hal then goes on to quote other crazy liberals and media types and then offers helpful commentary on their statements. Commentary like:

You just can't buy propaganda quotes like that. Islam Online was delighted.

One of the things I love about Hal Lindsey is that these kinds of statements are part of his "ministry." Faithful followers of Hal Christ send him money to write stuff like this - evidently so they can be certain in their knowledge about what God really thinks of liberals. (Hooray for Hal!)

So where's he going with all this? What is the outcome of evildoers like Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry questioning the Bushman?

It is almost like a witnessing [sic] the incitement of a lynch mob – except that the ones inciting the mob are the ones who will eventually be the guests of honor at the necktie party. It isn't like al-Qaida's operatives are planning to separate Republicans from Democrats in their next attack.

I think he's saying that the Demoncrats are inciting the terrorists but since the terrorists love the Demoncrats I'm not quite sure how this works in practice. Oh well, Hal certainly knows better than I, so let's let him continue:

There are two Americas right now, at a time when America desperately needs to stand united against a common foe. As in Vietnam, America can only be defeated from within. And our enemy knows that. That is what he is counting on.

So if you question or doubt anything the Bushman does, you're in the bad part. And nobody wants to be in the bad part! You know, the part that's trying to defeat America so that we'll all have to wear burkhas. Oh, wait, no, it's the part that wants all Americans to bare their nipples. No, wait, it's...Dang, Hal, now I'm confused. Which part was it again?

Fortunately, though, no matter how complicated Hal's thought processes may be, he ends with something we can all understand. The Bible. He is, after all, a "ministry."

And Jesus knew their thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand ... (Matthew 12:25)

Somebody ought to point that out to the "other" America – before it is too late.


Tell you what, Hal, I'll point that out if you'll point these out to your part:

"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." (Matthew 5:5)

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." (Matthew 5:9)

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27-28)

Hell, maybe I should start my own damn "ministry." Lord knows I could use the money...

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Thursday, May 27, 2004

A Sad Day at The Dark Window: A Letter

If you happened to read this blog yesterday, you know that the nefarious Dr. Seb No has been publicly questioning my manhood over at his "website." In response to his practically unprovoked attacks, I submitted both of our names and information for acceptance to a conservative Christian dating site. Sadly, neither Seb nor I lived up to the standards of the Holiness Church. Even more sadly, I'm guessing that Seb and I don't really live up to any standards at all, but that's probably beside the point.

What isn't beside the point is that Seb and I will not be getting our Holiness Honeys after all.

On the bright side, TaRena Nail (the founder of HSM) turned out to be very nice and we applaud her very good sense of humor about the whole situation. And as we all know, when you're dealing with Dr. No in a dress, a very good sense of humor is vital.

Dear Seb,

Thank you for your interest in HIS Singles Ministry. We are dedicated to promoting Holiness friendships and life-styles across the nation and the world. We hope that you have found something within our site to encourage, uplift and further your spiritual journey.

We are sorry to disappoint you however your submission was unable to pass our screening test and your application has been denied . If you feel that you were rejected unnecessarily you are free to take your request directly to HSM's Founder/CEO, TaRena Nail and explain yourself to her.

We are unable to process your submitted application due to the insufficient number of acceptable answers concerning standard Biblical and Doctrinal issues relating to salvation and the traditions of the Holiness congregation. We do appreciate your sense of humor however satisfactory answers to each question on the application must be supplied in order to process your application. Once again thank you for your interest and God bless you.

Sincerely,

The HSM Team

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The Hilarity of Abu Ghraib Hoods and Naked Pyramids

So by now you've probably heard about Al Gore's very strongly-worded denunciation of the way Bushman has been handling the war in Iraq. One of the things he did in his speech was ask the President to condemn remarks made by Rush Limbaugh about Abu Ghraib prison abuse.

Just to show that we're fair and balanced here at the Dark Window, we thought we'd let Rush respond to the speech in his own words. Is Rush having a breakdown? We'll leave that for you to decide. All italics, laughing, pauses, and asides in the following quotes are from the transcript on Rush's own website.

We all just listened to it together, and we just laughed. You've got to hear this. This is a MoveOn.org event. It's here in New York at New York University. Gore and I in the same town. (Gasping.) MoveOn.org, this is the wacko bunch that is doing ads equating Bush with Hitler. Don't they have a new ad?

Well, that's not entirely correct, Rush. What actually happened is that MoveOn.org received over 1,500 submissions as part of a contest to choose ads to put on television. Out of all of these, two of them compared the activities of the Bush administration to Hitler's Third Reich. The same Wing Nuts who so frequently referred to Hitlery Clinton and feminazis were suddenly outraged and demanded that the Democratic Party renounce them. Contrary to "doing ads," MoveOn actually removed the "offending" material from their website. Anyway, at this point Rush decides to play what he says is their newest ad.

VOICE: (Absurd doom-and-gloom music.) They said we went to Iraq to bring American values -- democracy, liberty. But something has gone terribly wrong. (Dramatic pause) Now it's been reported that (Secretary of Defense) Donald Rumsfeld initiated the plan that encouraged the physical coercion and sexual humiliation of prisoners. [Rush laughing] Rumsfeld has endangered our soldiers and America. [sic] Why hasn't (President of the United States) George (W.) Bush fired this man?

RUSH: (Laughing.) So that's their latest commercial, and I haven't seen it, but apparently during one of the darkest moments of that commercial is where a hood, an Abu Ghraib hood, is placed over (laughing) the Statue of Liberty.

Well, I guess all those pictures with the prisoners in the hoods were pretty funny. And the thought of the Statue of Liberty wearing one practically caused me to spit out my Root Beer I was laughing so hard. What the hell is Algore thinking?

ALGORE: "This president episodically poses as a uniter and healer. If he really has any desire to play that role, then I call upon him to condemn Rush Limbaugh, perhaps his strongest political supporter, who said publicly that the torture in Abu Grab [sic—Ghraib] was 'a brilliant maneuver' and that the photos were 'good old American pornography,' and that the actions portrayed were simply those of people 'having a good time' and 'needing to blow off steam.'"

RUSH: I guess those naked pyramids are just not in the national interest to Algore. (Laughing and laughing.)

Note to self for future blog entries: naked pyramids are even funnier than Abu Ghraib hoods.

What really troubles me about these photos, above and beyond what's in them, is how they're being used to undermine our war effort.

Right. Again with this Wing Nut argument that it's not the bad things happening in these photographs that's most troubling. It's that people would have the nerve to be upset about them. Or even worse, demand that something be done to stop it.

In this speech today he actually makes the case for civil rights for terrorist cells in these prisons under the Geneva Convention when the Geneva Convention does not even cover terrorists.

Hmmmm. Since this occurred, the United States has released literally hundreds of these "terrorists" from custody. Why does George Bush hate America and want all these "terrorists" running loose?

Since this prison thing has come up here again, we have this from Rowan Scarborough in the Washington Times. "An Army investigation and congressional hearings have spotlighted a series of conflicting statement..." By the way, hold it. Hey, Koko? I want you to go back to the website last week or the week before. I guess it was the week-before last. I want you to grab Kate O'Beirne's column that she wrote on National Review Online placing in context my comments about Abu "Grab," as Gore called it. Didn't he say Abu "Grab"? What's on his mind? He calls it Abu Grab Prison. At any rate, find out in Gore lingo what "Abu" means and we could really be onto something. But go back and get that Kate O'Beirne piece, because she had called me...(snip)...[S]he wrote a great piece that puts it all in context and perspective and explains what it was that I was saying in her own words.

The Kate O'Beirne column to which he's referring is a glowing piece meant to defend Rush from the firestorm of criticism surrounding his comments saying the torturers at Abu Ghraib were just "having a good time." The column that explains what he was saying in her words. I highly recommend that you read S.Z.'s predictably excellent summary of it if you haven't already. The most astonishing part of the article has Kate saying she doesn't even need to know any facts to stand up for Rush in a given situation. She just knows he'll be right.

So I want you to re-link to that, or just post it, whatever. Put it up there now, Koko. Don't waste any time. Just get it up there now.

Interesting. Rush seems to be getting frantic about having this article put up. This, of course, reminds him that TIME Magazine wants to do an article about him.

So I'm wondering about this TIME magazine. I'm still going to do it, but I'm going to be loaded. I'm going to be ready. In fact, they want to take a picture. I ought to show up in prison guard garb, or maybe take the picture with a hood on and say, "Here, I'm the Statue of Liberty. I showed up today to do my show as the Statue of Liberty. Take a picture of me with this hood on. Send a copy over to MoveOn.org." (Laughing.)

Ah, yes. Back to the hood humor. I don't know about you but I never get tired of laughing at those!

Anyway, where was I? I normally don't lose my place, and I haven't lost it. Get that thing posted up there, Koko, the Kate O'Beirne piece at RushLimbaugh.com.

What, exactly, is Koko really doing back there? On second thought, I don't think I want to know.

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Wednesday, May 26, 2004

The Dark Window Guide to Holiness and Conservative Singles

So the evil Dr. No is over at his blog making fun of me because I don't have a girlfriend. Or maybe he's trying to come on to me. I'm not really sure but either way I thought I'd better start scouring the net for quality dating sites to find both of us new mates. (Per Frederick, the Doctor seems to be quite curious lately)

Happily, I very quickly found a most excellent place to meet quality singles: HIS Singles Ministry - a website "Promoting Holiness Life-Styles" for those of a more conservative nature.



Sister TaRena Nail, the founder and CEO of HIS Singles, greets us on the home page and tells us why she started this helpful service in the first place:

I was introduced to the world of computers and the internet while still a very impressionable kid in high school. Thankfully I was priviledged to attend a very strict private school through our church where the six inch rule was enforced and anything more violent that swatting flies was strictly prohibited from the computer labs.

Six inch rule, eh? Given that this is a Holiness site, do you think that means 'bigger than' or 'smaller than'? Well, even if it's the latter, I might be able to find somebody here for Dr. No so I'll keep looking. Let's see what Sister Tonya Carpenter, the Vice Chairman (that sounds fun), has to say:



I am excited about the site, its concept and all the potential it has for EVERYONE! And feel strongly that IF the site can keep one young person from drifting away from the faith, exploring other avenues or even websites, ?? then it has served a great pupose. (question marks hers)

EVERYONE, huh? Well, that certainly includes Dr. No. And if we can keep him from visiting that Sadly, No! website of his, we will have served a great purpose.

Anyway, let's see what the Mission page tells us about finding some Godly partners.

Believe it or not it is a struggle for singles, to take off work and spend money they don't have year after year to attend campmeetings where year after endless year they become more and more of a minority with seemingly nothing in common, not even the weather with married people. As singles become fewer and older every year they become more and more an object of pity in the eyes of married couples because of their singlehood.

Yes, as was evidenced by Dr. No's comment towards me, this is correct. So where do I go next?

Oh. I have to fill out a subscription form. Let's see here...

Are you saved? Mmmm, probably not.

Are you sanctified? Uhh...

Are you filled with the Holy Ghost?? Yeah, see, I'm just looking for some cute chicks who dig bloggers and...

How do you view the God-head? Hehe...

Do you believe it is okay for a woman to cut or trim any portion of her hair? Hey, man, this is starting to get a little creepy. What are you people? French? French-Canadian?

Is it okay for a man to wear a dress? Well, Dr. No certainly seems to think so.

Is it okay for a woman to wear pants? Now we're talkin'! You people move fast!

Do you believe in Hell as a literal burning pit of punishment for unbelievers and sinners? Hey, who cares, man. Let's get back to that no pants thing.

Hm. Well, anyway, that was easy. I just click submit and wait for the conservative babes to fall at our feet, I guess.

Dr. No and I are all signed up now. Here's hoping we snag ourselves a couple of fine sistahs!
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God's Plan to Beat John Kerry

The good folks at World Net Daily have a brand-new "Exclusive" today. I know this because that's the headline blaring right across the top of their fine website. As you probably surmised, it's their usual hard-hitting fare that breaks new ground in investigative journalism.

Divine Intervention Sought in Presidential Race

'Hey, cool,' I think as I click the link. That sounds like a pretty important story. While I'm waiting for the page to load, I have a sudden picture in my head of Bushman and Dick Cheney dancing around an altar, crying out to the vengeful God of the Old Testament to smite the evil Demoncrats so that our nation can continue to glorify Him by making the bad people in Iraq stand on cardboard boxes. (Hooray for Divine Intervention! Boo for run-on sentences!)

If the title of the article is that great, I just can't imagine how good the subtitle is going to be!

Get FREE copy of 'We Will Pray for Election Day' blockbuster

Oh. Damn. Another WND "Exclusive" that's really just an ad to buy one of their crappy books. But I guess it still seems like a pretty important idea, so I'd better review it all the same.

With one of the most important presidential contests in U.S. history less than six months away, WND announces one of the most important books of the year – a powerfully thought-provoking guide to the 2004 elections titled "We Will Pray for Election Day," by Thomas Freiling and Michael Klassen.

The title of their book would indicate to me that this book is all about praying for this year's election but, perhaps not surprisingly, the article avoids discussing prayer completely and goes right to the meat of the book:

After each prayer we give you ideas on how to get involved – from helping register people to vote to working on behalf of a candidate running for office. You are also given an election timeline, a voter registration guide, a summary of key political races in 2004, and additional voter resources.

Because, you know, we're not really expecting the prayer to actually do anything so here are the things you're really going to have to do to get George W. Bush re-elected.

Even though the article is an "Exclusive," it's still pretty vague so I'm happy to see that World Net Daily is kind enough to provide a link to their store (cleverly named ShopNetDaily) so that I can buy a copy for myself. Fortunately there's a bit more information about this timely and important book there.

There have been many critical moments in America's history – from the first Continental Congress in 1774 to Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation in 1863. And now, the election of November 2, 2004.

That's right. Many critical moments indeed. Three, in fact, if I count correctly. First it was freedom from the British. Then it was freedom from the slaveholders. And now, perhaps most importantly, it's freedom from history's greatest tyrants: The Democrats!

Once again, forces of evil threaten America. From attacks on this nation's homeland to assaults on its morals and God-given values, in-your-face evil has caused people of conscience to wonder aloud what they can do to protect and restore their country.

Boy, that's true. All this in-my-face evil is really starting to get me down. And I'm not even a person of conscience! Nothing really about the prayers here either, though, so I'm guessing the authors aren't putting a whole lot of stock in that part of their work. I wonder what else they've got for me. Oh, right, I forgot:

a voter registration guide, summaries of key races, and dozens of effective ways for you, your family and your friends to make a difference!

So if I understand this correctly (and I'm pretty sure I do), what they're telling me to do is to skim a few prayers at the beginning of their book, read the section that tells me who to vote for, and then make all my family and friends vote for them, too!

Well, fair enough. I wonder who they're going to want me to vote for, though.

Fortunately, there's a little note at the bottom of their "Exclusive" that helps me here, too.

SPECIAL OFFER: For a limited time, get a FREE copy of "We Will Pray for Election Day" when you subscribe to WND's acclaimed monthly Whistleblower magazine, or renew or give a gift Whistleblower subscription.

Whistleblower, eh? I wonder what the title of this month's issue is.

THE PARTY OF TREASON - Today's Democrats: Corrupting morals, stealing elections, aiding enemies

I thank you, God, for blowing the whistle of truth. And since I don't have to worry about this praying nonsense anymore, I'm going to go grab a drink. I sure hope Jack's free!
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Tuesday, May 25, 2004

This Just In...

In a late-breaking development here at the Dark Window we have just read what may be one of the most ironic columns ever penned. It's a fascinating piece by Dennis Prager about theology, muslims, and hell. We'll save the meaty details for our lovely heroine S.Z. (between you and me, I think she has a secret thing for Dennis) but couldn't resist offering our own two cents. Mainly because we love irony here at the Dark Window.

Having a background in theology and a lifetime of teaching the Bible from the original Hebrew, I would like to offer evidence for demarcating one sin as worse than all others. Indeed it may be the only sin that God will not forgive: Committing evil in the name of God.

Also having a background in theology (yes, the Dark Window kids you not) I'm not going to take issue with this. Let's see where he takes it.

My basis is the Ten Commandments. The Commandment widely translated as "Do not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain," is imprecisely translated. The original Hebrew literally reads, "Do not carry the name of the Lord thy God in vain."

Okay. This is actually true. And so what is Dennis telling us?

Imagine, then, how bad committing atrocities in God's name must be.

Hmmmmmm.

For if there is a hell, those who murder and torture the innocent while praising God are surely the first to go there.

Dennis apparently means all of this to apply only to Muslims as the second part of his column is all about how evil they (and the New York Times) are. But we here at the Dark Window think that last sentence is, well, a fairly incredible admission!
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Jack Chick's Revenge

Well, the fun and games with Jack seem destined to end here at the Dark Window. As you may recall we've spent much of the past week examining his timely lessons on gay marriage and loving tolerance.

During the last 24 hours or so his website has begun constantly changing the addresses of the individual jpeg frames we've been pointing to. They seem to have added a script that assigns a random number to these blessed images. This number changes frequently so evildoers like me find themselves unable to provide lasting links.

This makes us sad here at the Dark Window because now we won't be able to share the Day After Tomorrow/Jack Chick movie tie-in we had planned to use to mask our absence during the upcoming Memorial Day weekend. Well, anyway, if you want to see the fun without our own commentary, please go here where you'll find all kinds of gripping scenes involving God's own killer storm, clowns, evil Commie pinkos, and veiled references to Sanford and Son.

We just hope this sinister cartoon crackdown isn't part of a larger trend because we here at the Dark Window very much like the ever-sparkling S.Z.'s new feature entitled The Family Circus Prediction of the Day.

As for me, well, I concede. You win, Jack. You get the final "HAW HAW."

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The Most Important Things

I've been wrestling with myself all day over whether or not I should post this item. So far I've tried to keep everything here at the Dark Window fun and humorous and it's certainly not my intention to stop doing that now.

But I saw this photograph today and was reminded that sometimes there are things in life that are simply not light, that are simply not enjoyable. And sometimes these things are the most important things.

It's very easy to forget that war has a face, that a bomb dropped doesn't kill a meaningless number. It kills flesh and bone and hopes and dreams. And what it doesn't kill it maims and scars and changes forever.

Are there times when we must drop bombs? Unfortunately, there probably are. But let us never lose sight of exactly what it means when we make the decision to drop them.

Some things in life transcend politics and governments and cultural struggles. Sometimes the only thing we have is that we are all human. May we never take that for granted.

See the face of the girl below. She has lost her parents, her brothers, her sisters. This is a face that is so easily crushed. This is our face. Don't forget it.

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And Now Back To The Snark

"I'll be damned if I'm gonna stop and ask for directions..."

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More Snark

"Well, this is how I remained pure..."

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Pat Boone Reveals America's True Enemy

Surprise surprise...It turns out that everybody's favorite All-American Boy is a regular reader of NewsMax. Not only that, but Pat Boone was evidently so moved by recent events in Iraq that he felt compelled to write NewsMax editor Chris Ruddy a letter.

Well, good, I thought to myself as I clicked the link. It will be nice to see a Christian perspective for a change. I'll bet he's going to talk to Chris about loving others, demonstrating Godly compassion and service, and Christ's instruction to act as peacemakers.

Dear Chris,

Hasn't anybody got the guts to accuse the worst perpetrator in this whole Abu Ghraib prison debacle - CBS and 60 Minutes II?


Okay. Just so you know, I did not make that up. That's not satire or parody written by me. That really is the beginning of Pat's letter.

And in addition to starting his letter off with such a "bang," I think he picked the right person to address. If anybody has those kinds of guts, it's Chris Ruddy.

Knowing full well that we were walking a tight rope, trying to fight a war, quell disturbances and build a republic for Iraq in the midst of all the terrorist resistance, CBS published these abhorrent pictures knowing they would destroy completely our image and standing in the Muslim world.

Just to show that I stand by CBS in their mission to destroy America, I am publishing the following abhorrent picture, knowing full well it will destroy completely our image and standing in the world of Good Taste:



And what about Osama bin Laden? What about the terrorists? What about America's image with all our allies around the world? And what about America's own self image and confidence in their leaders?

Our image with all our allies around the world? Pat. Listen to me, buddy. You've been spending way too much time in that tanning booth. Step away from the lotion. That's right. Put it down. Now listen carefully.

Are you some kind of a freakin' MORON? [Ahem, sorry]

Bushman has spent the past two-and-a-half years doing everything he could to trash that image, destroying the immense outpouring of goodwill and support (including support for our efforts in Afghanistan) from nearly the entire global community. In fact the entire conservative line up to this point seems to have been "Damn the UN. Damn our allies. We're going this alone." Unfortunately, now that things are such a mess, they have to find somebody to blame. And the fact that they insisted on acting with so little regard to anybody else makes this a bit hard to do.

Actually, no. I lied. They have no problem finding people to blame.

And as a direct result of CBS callous and patently unpatriotic action, America is suffering great loss of prestige around the world, and will for decades.

So offering bogus intelligence to the UN, invading a country under false pretenses, and then, through poor planning, allowing it to degenerate into near anarchy is one thing. But the fact that CBS showed pictures of prison abuse - that's what will cause America to lose prestige for decades. Notice that it's not even the abuse itself. It's the reporting of that abuse. So what Pat's really saying is that our freedom of press will cause us to lose prestige. Especially if that press isn't parroting the conservative line. If you think I'm unfairly putting words in his mouth, read this.

Although old Pat makes some excellent points, he's kind of got me wondering. I mean wouldn't at least some of the blame for the mess we're in fall upon those currently in power? Aren't all three branches of our government under their control?

Well, yes, but the Daily Kos found something interesting about that: "It's extremely difficult to govern when you control all three branches of government," says [House Speaker Dennis] Hastert spokesman John Feehery.

Oh. Ri-ight. Anyway, back to Pat.

For me, CBS has become "the enemy within", and I hope never to watch the network again. I think most Americans ought to reflect on the results of their irresponsible and unpatriotic behavior and perhaps narrow their viewing options by one network. The next time America or Americans suffer at the hands of terrorists, thank CBS.

Pat Boone


That's right, fellow Americans. Next time you see those flag-draped coffins coming back from Iraq (oh, wait, nevermind) you'll know who the real enemy is: Morley Safer.
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Monday, May 24, 2004

One Nation Indivisible with Liberty and No Homos for All

It's late Sunday evening and we all know what that means...Monday's edition of World Net Daily is out! (Hooray for Monday!) As usual, they have a bevy of hard-hitting investigative pieces about how the Democrats are the party of treason, how Hillary Clinton murdered Ron Brown, and how experts are picking gold in this time of global uncertainty. Okay, so none of these are really news and, well, most of them are actually just ads disguised as news articles and well, heck, they weren't even written by World Net Daily.

So does World Net Daily actually have ANY news pieces that they write themselves? YES! Well, "yes" if you consider recapping the main points of a conservative website news. But I certainly do and it sounds pretty exciting so let's read, shall we?

The article is a fine piece about how a group of Godly Christians called Christian Exodus is planning to form a "new nation" within the United States.

Calling the approval of same-sex marriage in Massachusetts "the straw that broke the camel's back," a group of Christian activists is in the beginning stages of an effort to have one state secede from the United States to become its own sovereign nation.

They say they're planning to move to South Carolina in such numbers that they'll have enough supporters to sway the state vote for secession. They then go on to list a bunch of really evil things that are currently happening in America to explain why they want to take such drastic action. Things like kids not being allowed to pray in school, the fact that the 10 Commandments are "banned from public display," and (my personal favorite) that "the Bible is not welcome in schools except under strict federal guidelines." (Italics theirs)

Right. Because if the Bible's use in schools were left up to the states or, better yet, to individual teachers (especially after we've gotten rid of all those NEA commie stooges), then our poor, misled children would finally be allowed to learn the truth: namely that man and dinosaur walked side-by-side just 5,900 years ago, that the citizens of Iraq want to kill you and everybody you love and turn this country into a hell-hole like Europe, and that Jesus hates dentists Gays.

"All these atrocities continue in spite of the fact that we now have the 'right' people in places of power."

Atrocities? Wow, that's fairly strong language to describe these things. But let me see if I can understand what WND seems to be telling us. Killing, beating, torturing, and humiliating prisoners at Abu Ghraib (and breaking Geneva Conventions in the process) = fraternity hazing. Rules against fundamentalist Bible indoctrination in public schools and facilities = atrocities. Now I know I should be trying to say something snarky here but all I can think of is ATROCITIES??? What the hell is wrong with these people? Jeez!

Sorry, I'll try to maintain a bit more composure from here on out. As I was reading through their list of atrocities, I thought secession seemed like a pretty drastic step but figured that, at the very least, they had a new constitution and an excellent set of Godly laws already in place for the faithful, laws that would take the place of the evil laws they're leaving behind.

For now, Burnell prefers to shy away from specifics on the precise laws governing the country. "Independence first, details later," he says.

Hmmm. That's not really a lot to go on. If they don't have any laws to replace the ones I'm giving up then why, exactly, am I doing this again? Is it really just because we can no longer pray in schools? This whole thing suddenly seemed a little fishy so I decided to visit their Godly website to find out more. Greeting me in a happy font at the top of the page were these stirring words:

Would you like to live in a Christian nation with government similar to the early United States?

Boy, would I ever! Hooray for Christian nations! Hooray for God! Hooray for Benjamin Franklin and Paul Revere! Um, one quick question...why, exactly, are we seceding? Is it really because of a short bullet-list of vague problems? Well, the website is slightly more clear about this than the WND article would lead us to believe. In fact, the entire secession thing seems to revolve around one key issue...GAY MARRIAGE!

However, it is evident that the forceful implementation of gay marriage will devastate our nation beyond repair and many Christians will join our ranks at that time.

Cool! I think this means Jack Chick will be joining us! He can be our new Godly nation's Poet Laureate! Hooray for Jack! And boo for Gays! If they try to move near us then we're just gonna have to start our own country!

(Of course this leads to the obvious question: Why do the folks at Christian Exodus hate America?)

Lastly, many people will find it impossible to move, and ChristianExodus.org is uncertain as to what extent Christians will rise up after gay marriage is legalized against their will. It is possible that a cry will go up from all over the Bible Belt and many different states will call for dissolution of the Union.

Oh, good. As long as the whole Bible Belt will be seceding, I won't have to move to South Carolina. Now I can also choose from Mississippi, Alabama, and Kentucky. While we're waiting, I'm gonna see if Jack wants to go get a Beer with me.

Tune in next time for another great World Net Daily journalistic masterpiece.
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Sunday, May 23, 2004

Thank God We Serve a Manly President

So you've probably heard about Beloved Leader's fall from grace his bike yesterday and have been wondering what we here at the Dark Window think about it. Well, we look past all the nonsense, friends, and find the key information so you don't have to. While most people are focusing on the President's cuts and bruises or mean old John Kerry's joke about training wheels, we were able to find even deeper and more meaningful meaning. Mainly that Bushman is all man. (Uh, and all Bush, too.)

How do we know he's all man? Because a spokesman was kind enough to tell us.

"It's been raining a lot and the topsoil is loose," the spokesman said.

How many times does Condi have to tell him NOT to ride his bike in the garden? Well, you know MEN. Always tromping around where they're not supposed to. Kinda what makes Bushman such a lovable rogue, isn't it?



"You know this president. He likes to go all out. Suffice it to say he wasn't whistling show tunes."

O, this is truly an answer to prayer! Thank GOD we don't have a show tune-whistling Nancy Boy in the White House at a time like this. I mean otherwise we'd probably be losing this war in Iraq. Hell, if we'd had some pansy Democrat in the White House we might not even have invaded in the first place.

Jack Chick and I would like to tell all of you that we just couldn't be prouder!
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More Shocking Truths from Jack Chick

Well, we had a bit of fun here at the Dark Window a couple of days ago examining Jack Chick's latest literary offering - a fine tract about the evils of dentists and homosexuals (scroll down if you'd like to see my review). What I didn't realize at the time was that Jack had intended this tract to be read by children. You know, to help them realize that guest speakers at their school will probably have pet demons with them and that they'll try to make the kids gay and throw their parents into jail.

Chick considers this such an important tract that he has published an open letter on his website that explains why he wrote it. It's a fun letter at that so let's have a looksie, shall we?

Chick begins by talking about how he used to be in the army and was as innocent and pure as the driven snow. So right away we know he's a manly man who shoots guns. But we also learn that he was innocent enough not to know that some men like other men in that special way. (Hooray for Jack!) Let's let him continue the story:

"Years later, after my daughter was born, a neighbor told of a sailor who raped a man in our town – I was shocked to say the least! I spent 3 years in the military and never even knew this went on."

My main takeaway from this paragraph is that he had a daughter. Not only is he manly, he's also fertile. Jesus and his readers should be very proud. That sailor rape story sounds a little fishy, though. He's being pretty vague about "a sailor" and "a man." Well, anyway, I'm sure he wasn't involved so let's continue.

"Well beloved, times have changed. The sodomites went on the offensive and Christians, being polite, kept quiet, hoping they would go away. They didn't! This godless crowd got louder and louder and grew in numbers."

Boy, times sure have changed! It seems like only yesterday that good and gentle Christian men like Fred Phelps walked the earth, demonstrating their polite and quiet love by turning the other cheek (Don't EVEN go there, dear reader) in Godly service. But this allowed the evil and godless Gays to buy megaphones and (evidently) have kids. I'm sort of confused here since the common refrain from the Right is that one of the primary problems about Gays is that they can't reproduce. How, then are they growing in numbers? Oh, wait, right...they adopt:



"Our television is an open sewer, glorifying the homosexual lifestyle, making the 'straights' (non-gays) look like a bunch of idiots."

Well, that's certainly the truth. I mean, have you SEEN Bill O'Reilly lately? And I love that Chick feels the need to define what 'straights' means to his audience. Who, exactly, is reading this stuff? Unfortunately, as we continue we learn that the Gays have done even worse things than turning our favorite straight TV characters into idiots. They're also trying to silence our pastors and brainwash our children. That's right, Little Susy...they're coming for you...

"What can be done to block this gay wave rolling into our classrooms?"

I'm thinking we should call Godzilla. He did a pretty good job in stopping Megalon and that giant Moth. And maybe that could be Mel Gibson's next movie: Godzilla vs. The Giant Gay Wave. The wave could be played by Harvey Fierstein in a big foam suit.

Hopefully you've enjoyed our Sunday conversation with Jack. We'll be checking in with him again soon. It's always fun to visit old friends.
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Saturday, May 22, 2004

Movie Night with the RNC

Scott W., long-time friend of (and inferior dancer to) the Dark Window, calls our attention to a hot new Republican film entitled Bush Saves the Day. In the interest of streamlining Saturday evening entertainment everywhere, the Dark Window is happy to offer a full review. So just sit back, put your arm around your best gal or guy, and enjoy. Thin mints are on the house.

Encouraged by the widespread popularity of such recent Conservative blockbusters as "The Passion of the Christ" and "The Intelligence of the Chalabi", the Republican National Committee has decided to try its own hand at big budget movie-making. This fine piece of cinematic excellence, the result of nearly four years of behind-the-scenes effort, is the result.

The film opens with a panoramic shot of an old woman in a wheelchair tumbling down a precipitous line chart (that evidently represents the DNC view of Social Security under Bush). A caption appears that says Democrats are trying to scare seniors with "false attacks and lies."

Well, that does seem like a pretty mean thing for Democrats to do, huh? Fortunately, all is not lost. To the dramatic strains of the Superman theme, a buff Bush wearing a superhero costume (think aircraft carrier flight deck) swoops down and snatches the poor old woman from winding up with a zero value on her Y-axis. As he does this, the following stirring words appear at the bottom of the screen:

Bush: Saving Social Security for Seniors and Everyone

I'm not sure why seniors aren't considered part of "everyone." That kind of makes it seem like maybe Bush views them as "no-one," doesn't it? But that can't be, because this movie proves Bush is actually SAVING the seniors. (Hooray for Seniors!)

As they're flying off into the sunset, old Maude (the woman in the wheelchair) looks up at her muscled hero and says, "You saved me."

In true superhero fashion, Bushman responds with: "Let's get you home." (Presumably so they can get it on.)

In order to achieve a PG-rating, the RNC wasn't allowed to show us what happens next. So instead, the titles "No changes in benefits for those at or near retirement " and "No Tax Increases" flash across the screen.

Hmmmm...Given spiraling costs of social security and who-knows-how-much the Iraq invasion and occupation will set us back, how, exactly, is our hero going to pay for this? Oh, right. That's where the title comes in. "Bush saves the DAY." He doesn't HAVE to pay for anything. Because he has no long-term plan.

So the message of this movie, ladies and gentlemen? It's this:

While Bush is out back screwing the old lady, you and I will be paying the bill.

Be sure to tune in next time for another edition of Dark Window Goes to the Movies.
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Friday, May 21, 2004

Nancy Pelosi and San Francisco - Enemies of America!

Well, that's what you'd think if you had wandered over to the Republican National Committee website today.

In case you missed it, Nancy Pelosi, U.S. Representative from San Francisco, had some sharp criticism for the President on Thursday when she said: "Bush is an incompetent leader. In fact, he's not a leader. He's a person who has no judgment, no experience and no knowledge of the subjects that he has to decide upon."

To that, I can only say...Hooray for Nancy!

Republicans had other thoughts on the matter, though, and did their best to show all the ways Nancy HATES America. (Boo for Nancy!)

Splashed across the top of their website (next to a goofy picture of Pelosi) is the headline: "Totally San Fran."

I'm guessing that's supposed to be an insult somehow but I'm not sure I get it. Are they saying that cosmopolitan, sophisticated, cultured, diverse, and spectacularly beautiful are bad things to be? I wonder what their idea of a compliment would be..."Totally Fort Wayne" maybe?

Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't write San FranSISSYsco or Damn FagDisco or something like that. But I guess since they're the party that's concerned about families and all they wouldn't ever use that kind of language.

Anyhow, the RNC continues by listing several examples of how dumb and anti-American Nancy is. As a public service, I've collected some of their main arguments right here at The Dark Window for your enjoyment:

Pelosi Voted Against Use Of Force In Iraq. (H. J. Res. 114, CQ Vote #455: Passed 296-133: R 215-6; D 81-126; I 0-1, 10/10/02, Pelosi Voted Nay)

Right. And we all know how that one turned out. Bad Nancy. She's obviously a traitor.

Pelosi Was "Devastated" On Day After Iraq War Began. "'I am devastated,' Ms. Pelosi recalls saying [on the morning after bombing began in Baghdad], 'by the fact that we are going to war.'"

Good God, no! The fact that she wasn't elated that we were over there killing brown skins just proves that she hates America. Come to think of it, I'll bet she hates God, too!

Chose Hatred Of President Over Success In Iraq. "[T]he Nancy Pelosi Democrats ... voted against Paul Bremer’s $87 billion plan for the reconstruction of Iraq. ... [I]f Bush is for it, they’re against it. ... [I]f Pelosi's arguments had carried the day, our troops in Iraq would be reading this morning about the death of the Bremer plan and the ruination of our efforts to rebuild Iraq." (David Brooks, Op-Ed, "The Good, The Bad, The Ugly," The New York Times, 10/18/03)

Well, we all know now that Nancy was obviously wrong and misguided here. After all, the Bremer plan for reconstruction can only be considered an unqualified success. Anybody who believes it isn't is simply nuts.

Pelosi Considers Fight Against Terrorism "Struggle," Not War

Because it HAS to be a war! Otherwise Commander Codpiece doesn't get to call himself a War President. "Struggle President" just doesn't have the same ring, does it? (Although it does sound kind of cute - it makes him sound like a Care Bear.)

But lest you think the Republicans only care about war, they go on to show you that they also care about protecting marriage from dentists and male hair stylists:

Pelosi Called DOMA "Blatant Act Of Discrimination." Pelosi called Defense Of Marriage Act "a blatant act of discrimination. She said the definition of family is an individual and personal decision. Pelosi asked her colleagues, 'Should you find yourself in a situation where your child or close relatives or close friends find solace, happiness, confidence, love and support in a relationship that's appropriate for them, wouldn't you want them to have the legal recognition they deserve? It isn't a threat to anyone.'"

Oh, no, Nancy. You're very wrong there. If we let gays marry then the Islamofascists have won. I mean that's what the terrorists are fighting for, right? To make us have gay marriages?

Uh, right?

So next time you're thinking of visiting San Francisco, make sure you remember that it's PURE EVIL and likely to turn YOU into an America-hater, too!

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Thursday, May 20, 2004

"Birds and the Bees"

I am thrilled to announce that our old friend Jack Chick has just come out with a new and very timely tract (Up yours, Massachusetts!). He calls it "Birds and the Bees" and it's all about how God hates gay marriage (Hooray for God!).

Our story begins in an elementary school classroom where a sinister-looking teacher tells her students that she has a surprise for them. The kids all shout with glee and we suddenly see a picture of two pretty creepy looking guys, both dentists who are "highly respected" in their community, both with their own cute, cuddly and loveable pet demons. The fun really begins when the two introduce themselves:



Cool! Larry and his wi...hey, wait a minute...good grief! Is he actually saying that Larry and Charles are husband and (oops!) wife??? Well, I guess he is because all the little boys and girls shouted that out in unison.

Notice the girlie way the two "men" stand (hand on hip, shoulder cocked) and wave. I have to admit - Charles is sorta cute, the way he's all coy in front of the kids. I also have to admit that the two little demons genuinely seem to love each other. I'm not yet sure where Chick is going with this...Is it possible he's telling us that love of any sort can be a good thing?

Well, actually, no. And here's where things get a little complicated. Frankie, a little boy who seems to wear an awful lot of eyeliner, bravely raises his hand and asks the teacher if Larry and Charles are "Queers." As you can probably imagine, this is just too much for our underpaid and overworked Destroyer of Children to take. Suffering from a sudden onslaught of acute problem perspiration, she shows herself to be just like any other government school employee - a hater of all that is good and holy:



Fortunately, the two dentists are able to maintain at least a small degree of composure in the face of this relentless onslaught by what they can only assume to be an imminent (if pint-sized) threat to their entire existence. But as they try to reassure the other kids that there are famous people (hooray for famous people!) who are gay, Larry appears to have a heart-attack. As Charles looks on in loving concern, Larry manages to utter his famous last words - and uses them to inform the kids that Gays want to throw everybody who disagrees with them into jail:



Evidently, these heart attacks are fairly common in our government schools because Chick helpfully informs us at the bottom of the page that this is how "the Gays are changing the way little school kids think." You've really got to hand it to them, though. That heart-attack bit sure got MY attention!

After school all the kids in class gather around little Susy - a precocious tyke with a penchant for fire and brimstone. She answers their frightened queries by telling them how God has hated (and killed) dentists with pet demons throughout history:



But don't fear, faithful reader! Even if you happen to be an evil Gay (or look like Vincent Van Gogh), there's still hope. Oh, wait, never mind...Chick doesn't actually say that.

Well, anywhoo, little Susy leaves us with a heartwarming and life-affirming lesson in love:



Awwww. Isn't she just DARLING?

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Bush's "Environmental Protection Agency"

From tomorrow's Washington Post we learn that four states are suing power plants for violating the Clean Air Act (That's right, ladies and gentlemen! The Dark Window gives you tomorrow's news TODAY!). The lawsuits were filed after the EPA stopped its investigation of several cases and announced that "it would not bring any new lawsuits unless a plant violated the administration's less stringent interpretation of the law."

"These cases reflect our continued intent to enforce the Clean Air Act even when the EPA has dropped the ball," New York Attorney General Eliot L. Spitzer said in an interview.

Other states involved in the lawsuit are Pennsylvania, Connecticut, and New Jersey. In light of all that, here's a fun photo from the White House website dated May, 2001. Based on the characters present, see if you can guess what George is telling Tom:


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Seems Like Only Yesterday

"And then Rummy said, 'Chalabi...Can I get a Slurpee with that?'"



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The Danger of Live Sex Acts

So a bizarre debate erupted on the floor of the California State Senate yesterday after a Bay Area State Senator introduced a bill that would end gun shows at one of San Francisco's largest venues for live music and shows - the legendary Cow Palace. Turns out community leaders are concerned because a federal study found that gun laws have been routinely broken there during past gun shows.

Okay...sounds like a valid issue to me. There's this really big place down the street where lots of people are buying illegal guns. People in our neighborhood are being killed by illegal guns. Perhaps we should take some kind of action.

As you might have expected, Republican response was swift; They immediately decided to link this to what THEY see as the biggest danger facing our cities today: sex.

Through a parliamentary maneuver, Republicans in the Senate sought to amend Speier's bill to also ban the presence of the annual Exotic Erotic Ball, billed as "the world's wildest and sexiest party."

Because, well, you know, if you won't let us have our illegal guns, then we're not going to let you have sex. So there!

"You are voting to keep live sex acts in a state facility going on," Sen. Bill Morrow, R-Oceanside (San Diego County), told his colleagues. Morrow also passed out advertisements for the event, which takes place in October, on the Senate floor.

I have a hunch that several of those colleagues put the adertisements in their back pockets to ogle later. I'd also be curious to know how many State Senator-shaped naked men wearing masks show up at this year's Ball. Uh, on second thought, I'm not that curious.

Senate President Pro Tem John Burton, D-San Francisco, immediately deadpanned this response to the Republican tactics: "I've never heard of any kids on a playground killed by a live sex act."

In related news, we've just gotten word here at The Dark Window that Berlin's famed Love Parade has been canceled this year. American reaction was swift:

"What? Why's everybody looking at me?"


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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Hooray for Oakland!

Finally some good news on the old homefront:

"Fewer people are being killed in Oakland this year than in San Francisco - a trend not seen for 15 years."

Well, this IS good news. Unless you live in San Francisco. But since those jerks in our neighboring city always get all the credit for being cool and cosmopolitan and sophisticated while we here in Oaktown are generally seen as a bunch of murderous thugs, I'll take it. And if you don't like it I'll pop a cap in your...uh, sorry, lost my train of thought there for a moment.

"Oakland, with 400,000 residents, typically has many more killings than San Francisco, which has almost twice the population. The numbers have not been close since 1990, when each city finished the year with 161 killings."

We've got ourselves a horse race, ladies and gentlemen! And I'm proud to say that I've done my part. I have not murdered a single person here in Oakland this year. Of course if I REALLY had town spirit, I'd go try to kill a San Franciscan to drive their numbers up. But I don't have that much spirit.

Calls from The Dark Window to Mayor Jerry Brown's office here in Oakland for comment went unanswered (perhaps because it's 11:00 PM). Next I tried San Francisco but was told that unless I was planning to marry Ivan, Mayor Newsom probably wouldn't be able to talk to me either.

One more point:

"In both cities, homicides...often involve people with criminal records who have ties to illegal drugs."

I'm just glad Rush Limbaugh doesn't live here! Then it'd really be scary!

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John Kerry's Newest Line of Attack

"Have you ever seen Cheney in the shower?"



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The First Annual State of The Blog Address

First of all I'd like to thank everybody for stopping by to check out my blog. During my first 24 hours of operation, I had 13 people look at my site. During the second 24 hours, I had over 250 people check it out. This gives me a daily growth rate of approximately 1,900%!

If this rate of growth continues (and I can think of no reason why it wouldn't), by the end of next week every man, woman, and child on earth will have read this blog.

That means that each of the following people will be here sometime between now and then, all of them trying to win a dream date with Phyllis Schlafly and watching Tom DeLay do the Robot:

  1. Sean Hannity

  2. Bea Arthur

  3. Paul Wolfowitz

  4. Dr. Laura Schlesinger

  5. Mr. T
So if you have a message you'd like to pass along to one of these fine folks (or anybody else you can think of), please leave it in the comment section.

In other exciting news, I've had the following prestigious visits so far:

  1. The sinister Dr. Seb No showed up and personally threatened me.

  2. Famed political satirist S.Z. told the world that I may or may not be cute (fortunately she hasn't met me in person so she can't yet rule out the former possibility).

  3. Ivan, the King of Nostalgia, was kind enough to remind me that he has Force of Evil on DVD and I don't.

  4. Old friend Chris Vosburg offered his condolences upon seeing my site.

  5. New friend Socratic Silence made me envious of the cool name he'd thought up. Of course if I were silent every time I knew I didn't know something, I'm pretty sure I'd never open my mouth again...
But anyway, thank you very much for stopping by, everybody!

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Celebrations for Scumbags

From today's Washington Post we learn that a "charitable" organization called Celebrations for Children is canceling a series of parties at this summer's Republican National Convention in New York City.

Turns out several watchdog groups cried foul when they found that the group's events "amounted to little more than a fundraising scheme designed to raise large contributions that would finance parties DeLay had planned to host at the convention."

Although the organization's name DOES seem pretty fitting, its main charitable act seems to consist of representing the French-descended Tom DeLay as a fun guy to be around at parties.

Here we see 24-hour party animal Tom DeLay demonstrating how he will be doing "The Robot" during this summer's bacchanalia:



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White House Trumpets Programs It Tried To Cut

Is it just me or does this seem a tad misleading?

But in a twist this election season, many administration officials are taking credit for spreading largess through programs that President Bush tried to eliminate or to cut sharply.
I mean it's like they're not even PRETENDING to be honest anymore.

In related news, our Beloved Leader has just created a new task force to coordinate federal policy on the environmental condition of the Great Lakes. To see an actual photograph of this task force in action, please click here.

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Tuesday, May 18, 2004

The Last Patriots

The Wing Nuts are at it again and, as usual, they're busily saying that anybody who disagrees with them is a treasonous hater of America and God.

Joseph Farah, the gentle man behind one of our nation's most prestigious news sources - World Net Daily, has written a delightful column about how Ted Kennedy and John Kerry are enemies of America.

With his latest best-selling book, my colleague Michael Savage has come up with a term that describes the real threat to America – "The Enemy Within."
First off, anybody who starts an article by invoking colleague status with Michael Savage has some serious credibility problems. But let's ignore that for the moment and continue with Farah's column:

There are some other terms I could use to describe Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry and the senior senator from Massachusetts, Ted Kennedy – traitors, leaders of the blame-America-first crowd, immoral cowards, treacherous appeasers to name a few.
There are also some terms I could use to describe Joseph Farah. America-hating zealot, anti-Christian demagogue, Joseph Stalin lookalike, violence-loving media whore to name a few.

But recognize that Kerry and Kennedy are not part of a loyal opposition within our country. They are leaders of a disloyal enemy within.

They are like a Trojan Horse within our midst. They are capable of doing more damage to this country than the Sept. 11 suicide attackers did. In fact, they may have already accomplished that.
Farah seems to be saying that if you question our actions in Iraq, then you are a traitor. Senator Ted Kennedy says American abuse of prisoners in Iraq is morally wrong and Farah responds with: "he must still be hitting the sauce pretty hard."

What, then, are you hitting Mr. Farah? It must be some damn good stuff because I can't figure out how the hell any reasonable human being could come up with that kind of conclusion.

But according to Farah, it gets worse. Presidential Candidate John Kerry had the nerve to say, "It's an attitude that comes out of how we went there in the first place, an attitude that comes out of America's overall arrogance as policy."

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. If you ever think America is guilty of arrogance in its foreign policy, then YOU are a traitor.

Are Liberals Just Sissies Who Hate America and God?

The ever-lovely S.Z. had a fantastic piece today on Hans Zeiger. If you don't know Hans, he's young, a proud Eagle Scout, and he has his own column. Unfortunately, he also represents many of the ideas so cherished in the current conservative culture. The one I wish to address here is the common refrain that the church is dying because it's being feminized and sissified.

The reason that so few Americans attend church is that so few churches are Christian. Liberal pastors speak much of unity and peace and social justice and harmony and the like. The human condition and the Cross are seldom preached in many churches.
You see, Christianity is not about doing what Christ says. It's about doing what Hans says.

Listen carefully because this is the voice that mocks our patriotism and blames America's problems on us. This is the voice that equates liberalism with Satan. Do you see what he's saying? In spite of its prevalence, it's really quite terrifying. The message is this: those who work hard to make our nation a place of peace and social justice, those who seek harmony over strife (Blessed are the peacemakers?), are (a) unChristian and (b) destroying the church in America.

Let me put it another way: If you put in long hours of loving service to help your neighbors and fellow Americans, then you are probably not a Christian. In fact, it probably also means that you're a big sissy AND that you hate America.

Can Hans really not see the irony here? If you do the things that Christ said to do and you work hard to make our country a better place, then you are not a Christian and you hate America.

This brings us to yet another strain of the "Liberals hate America" movement – the 'Christian' triumphalist movement.

Does Hal Lindsey hate the truth?

Hal Lindsey, widely respected for his service to humanity and deep theological insight renowned in Wing Nut circles for his devotion to American imperialism and bizarre, simplistic theological writings, represents a wide swath of conservative American Christianity. His huge-selling book - The Late Great Planet Earth - convinced millions that Jesus was coming back to earth soon and that he was really pissed at us (his later books helpfully revealed that this was because we'd all become liberals). It's hard to overstate the importance of this 'body' of work on conservative American religious thought.

Hal currently has a weekly column that runs on both World Net Daily (Joseph Farah's site) as well as his own website: the Hal Lindsey Oracle. [The name seems apt. Much like the Priestess of Apollo who administered the Oracle at Delphi, he's happy to dispense more and better prophetic wisdom to you if you'll kick in more money.]

He continues our theme that the problems we are facing right now in Iraq have nothing to do with the possibility that the invasion was perhaps ill-advised in the first place or that we had no real plan once we got there. No, the problem is...you guessed it...LIBERALS!

Yes, my loyal readers (actually, my entire audience seems to be made up of the nefarious Dr. Seb No so maybe that should be 'loyal reader'), if you think our recent actions in Iraq shamed our country and you want to see accountability in our government, then YOU are responsible for how things are going in Iraq.

They are demanding Rumsfeld's blood to hurt the administration. It appears of no consequence to them that we are engaged in a war of blood and death where their every word has permanent consequences for those who are fighting our battles.
You see, the evil folks at CBS wanted to kill some of our God-fearing troops – presumably because they wanted higher ratings and because they hate God and America.

The photos were not needed to impart the information. The same information could have been made clear without using photos they knew would inflame virtually all of Islam. But they opted for the emotional shock value of the photos, knowing full well what kind of murderous retaliations they would spur among the Islamic fundamentalists.
Amazingly, he doesn’t stop there. No way. This guy ain't sissified (and I'm sure Hans is standing at attention)! Following Zeiger's logic, this guy is the TRUE model of Christianity! And what does this 'Christian' way entail? Deception! He sees reporting of truth as 'propaganda.' But this is where it gets even weirder. He doesn't use this as an opportunity to say that propaganda is bad. No, he implies that we SHOULD be using propaganda. It's just that it should say what HE wants it to say:

If these elected officials and private special-interest groups are going to use the public airwaves to disseminate propaganda, shouldn't their public statements be pro-American, instead of proclaiming propaganda that incites the enemy to horribly murder innocent Americans?

The problem is pro-American propaganda might help America win the war, but it won't help get George Bush out of the White House. To find out which is the more important to these people, just tune in to CNN.
So who's anti-American? Is it the liberals who work hard to make our country better and desire a role for America that involves a morally accountable use of power? Or is it the people who call anybody who disagrees with them traitors and America-haters? To these people, the idea of social justice and the opposition to poor foreign policy decisions aren't simply bad, they're actually destroying our country. They don't want to see any dissent when conservatives are in power. They want a king who is divinely ordered by God. They want a theocracy.

Now I may be a little slow but isn't that exactly what our forefathers rebelled against in the first place?

[Cue America the Beautiful]

I say it's time that we stopped letting people like this frame the debate on patriotism. For who really loves America if it isn't he who stands up when he sees his country being brought to ruin? Who really loves America if it isn't she who fights for the ideals of liberty and freedom? It's he who realizes that the glory of our great land lies in more than having a McDonalds in Baghdad. It's she who recognizes that God's love for us is not directly proportional to our consumption of fossil fuels.

Dammit, I love this country. And I'm tired of seeing these jerks try to erode what it is that makes it the greatest nation on earth. They want to argue patriotism?

Bring 'em on.
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Making News

This website is going to be non-stop fun and games and here is our very first game (the fun has already been going on for several hours now): Write the best caption for the following photograph and you could win a dream date with Phyllis Schlafly!

The actual caption (from the New York Times) is "During a recent fishing trip, Antonin Scalia demonstrates for Dick Cheney what he thinks of the environment."

Okay, that wasn't really the actual caption. I just made that up. But then that's the whole idea! See how much fun you can have at the expense of those who hold different opinions than yours!



Good luck, everybody. I hear that Phyllis puts out...

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All Questions Answered

Since I began this blog earlier today, I've been literally overwhelmed by thousands and thousands of questions. I'll try to answer just a few of the more representative ones here.

"Who are you and what have you done with the Internet?"

I'm Pete M and I've single-handedly rendered it obsolete. I am the new one-stop shop for all your informational needs. That's right, folks. From here on out, you'll never need to visit another website again. Everything you could ever need to know will be found right here. Just think of me as an informed, honest, and incredibly hot Rush Limbaugh. Uh, but without the goofball right wing ideas.

"Are you really as cool as everybody's saying?"

Far cooler, I assure you.

"What kinds of things will you have on your prestigious and life-changing blog?"

Everything you could possibly desire. Whether it's political parodies, ghost stories of old San Francisco, book and music reviews, shameless self-promotion, or the state of the underground Goth scene in St. Gallen, Switzerland, you'll find it all right here. Feel free to delete all your other Internet bookmarks. I promise you that you'll never need them again.

"Would I be a stupid idiot if I didn’t visit your blog every day?"

Yes, unfortunately you would. And you'd probably love Ann Coulter, too. And have recurring sexual fantasies of Karl Rove in a unitard. So visit.

"Why did you start blogging now, when you could just as easily have asked for a Nobel Prize and won?"

I was tired of seeing people like the lovely S.Z. and the evil Dr. Seb No raking in money hand over fist while no-talent hacks such as myself languished in poverty. Now, at least, I'll be able to languish in poverty AND obscurity. Unless YOU, my wretched subjects loyal friends, start reading my blog every day. Then I'll be able to climb the lofty heights of pundit stardom, crushing lesser bloggers under my well-heeled heels, and remake the world in my own sinister imag...er, I mean then I'll be happy and maybe even finally able to buy my cat those gourmet treats they have at Safeway.

"Are you saying I should tell every one of my friends about your blog – even if they don't have computers?"

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. The Revolution starts right here, right now. Don't let me down or Dr. No goes back into the hospital. Capisce?

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Welcome

Hi. My name is Pete M. and this is my new blog. For the record, I HATE that word. "Blog." Doesn't it sound like something you'd do after a particularly bad dinner?

"You feelin' alright?"

"No way, man. I think I'm gonna blog."

"HEY, don't do that in here! That's disgusting!"

So on that note...

Welcome to The Dark Window. (Sounds spooky, huh?)

Prepare to be horrified.

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