Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: The NewsMax Path To Romantic Success

Prepare to be horrified...

Thursday, October 21, 2004

The NewsMax Path To Romantic Success

You've probably already read some of the stories about my pathetic dating life here at the Dark Window. Stories about being repeatedly turned down by the lovely S.Z. (with extreme prejudice, I might add). Or the restraining order (there's a reason why she stays anonymous). Or having my overtures rejected by those Holiness girls. So just imagine my relief when I read the following announcement over at NewsMax:

No more heartbreak, ever—a whole new approach to dating, women, and relationships...

Sounds exactly like what I need. Thank God for NewsMax! Reasoned political analysis and life-changing romantic advice!

Anyway, I clicked on the link and found this revolutionary new system developed by a guy named John Alanis. It's called Women Approach You.

Women approach me now but it's usually just to tell me that I'm standing in their way.

"Amazing Free Report, Available Instantly, Reveals Exactly How to Get Beautiful, Desirable Women to Approach YOU First for a Date, No Matter Your Looks, Age or Income!"

Hmmm...I hope this works because S.Z. said she'd only date me if I were 24, looked like Brad Pitt, and made at least $200,000/year.

Dear Friend,

You are seconds away from discovering remarkable, little-known secrets that literally compel desirable women to approach you first. This is not weird, far out magic, or stupid potions, lotions, or pills but simple, easy-to-follow steps that allow you to unlock the "natural attraction" every man possesses, but has never been taught how to "let out"... until now.

Whenever I read a piece at NewsMax that talks about something "every man possesses" being "let out," I get nervous. Really nervous.

Keep it in your pants, Limbacher.

I'm not kidding.

In addition to this Free Report #1 (entitled, "What If Everything You Ever Thought You Knew About Women, Dating and Relationships Was Dead Wrong?", when you enter your name and email I promise to send you an entertaining tip, story or secret about attracting women every single day! And, just to prove I'm "for real," I'll instantly send you these FIVE remarkable FREE "girl-getting" reports, plus one hilarious Bonus Report:

Well, at this point it's painfully obvious that everything I know about women, dating and relationships is dead wrong so I'd better keep reading.

FREE Report #2: How Even the Ugliest Man Can Date the Most Beautiful Women--Why Looks, Age, or Income Just Don't Matter

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? The perfect Christmas present for Seb!

FREE Report #3: Recently "Dumped?" Here's How to Get Her Back!

That one might be nice for Bill O'Reilly.

FREE Report #4: Secrets to Being a "Bar Star" -- How to Get Desirable Women to Pick YOU Up at a Bar

Hey...This is perfect for our Bay Area Blog Enthusiasts drinking night next week. With my luck, though, the only person who'll try to pick me up will be celebrity-blogger Roger Ailes.

Don't get me wrong...I like Roger...Just not like that.

FREE Report #5: Why You MUST Get Rid of All "Bad Investments" to Be Successful With Women

I have to ditch the Dark Window? Well, no real loss there.

FREE Report #6: Which of the Three Types of Women Should You Be Dating?

Given that this report is available for free at NewsMax, I'm thinking the answer to that question has to be (1) women looking for green cards, (2) mail-order brides, or (3) the type of woman you inflate. In other words, a weekend with Ted and Yosef.

Bonus Report: Why I Buy Soft Toilet Paper!

John, I'm going to be real honest with you, buddy. I don't want to know why you buy soft toilet paper.

I'll give you my uncensored, "Women Approach You Now" reports as well as my daily email that is literally read throughout the world. I'm known as the "King of Let 'Em Come to You" for a reason... tune in each day as I reveal hilarious secret after secret... you'll laugh, learn, and most of all say to yourself, "At last there's a guy who tells it like it really is!"

Literally read throughout the world? That can only mean one thing. Seb's already a subscriber.

WARNING: if you are easily offended, hyper-sensitive, or overly worried about what all the "politically correct masses" think about you, then this report and these emails may NOT be for you. If, however, you are a bright, fun, open minded guy who wants the "real scoop" on how to get beautiful women chasing you for a change, then you're in for a real treat.

That's easy...Steal their handbags. Then when they chase you down and tackle you, try to make out with them. That's been my strategy so far.

You should also know all my emails are discreet with no subject lines that even mention "dating" or "meeting women." No one except you will know what these emails are about, unless you let them. And let me be perfectly clear, this is NOT "porn" or "adult content" or anything sleazy like that.

Cool! I can read them at work!

Now all I need is a job.

Either way, I'm signed up now. Well, Seb is anyway (no need to thank me, friend). Now I can sit back, relax, and get ready to fight 'em off with a stick.

Thanks, John! And thanks, NewsMax!

-John Alanis
"King of Let 'em Come to You"

And to prove he's the king, here's his signature:

Just think...That'll soon be Seb's my signature tagline too!


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