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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Four Easy Pieces

Have you ever been to the Rant? It's one of those Wing Nut sites that is so bizarre, so wacky, that basically every article you read there is worthy of attention. To prove it, I've randomly clicked upon four Rant articles (with my eyes closed, no less) and shall distill each into its Nut Essence.

First off, we have the Managing Editor of the Rant, Frank Salvato, with a heartwarming piece entitled John Kerry: The Scott Peterson of Politics. Why is John Kerry like a man on trial for killing his wife? Frank never says. Instead, he tells us that Kerry lied (and the Swift Boat Vets proved it) and then gives us this helpful piece of advice:

To Kerry’s supporters who walk around, anger in hand and eyes wide shut, I say wake up! John Kerry has lied all of his life and is still lying today. He’s lying about the security and well being of this nation. If you still choose to support John Kerry after the exposure of all his lies then I beg you not to go to the polls in November. You are either filled with politically created hatred or you are too stupid to vote.

And this, of course, is how a smart voter would look:

Likes to expose things

Next up, we have Matt Grills telling us that Jimmy Carter is a smoking peanut. What does he mean by this? Who the hell knows. But he does make a persuasive argument that Jimmy Carter is terribly stupid by quoting reader comments posted on the Little Green Football blog (and others). Here's one of the most salient:

“Jimmy Carter, failure given human form, has now said that the Revolutionary War was unnecessary. Was this guy really elected president ... during the Cold War?! Far as I heard, his only real accomplishment of note was getting Ronald Reagan elected ... While we work on ways to honor Reagan’s legacy, we should also be working on ways to dishonor Carter. I say we strike him from the record books. His portrait and name should be removed from all lists of presidents, and, if he is ever to be referred to, he shall be called ‘the failed president who has no name.’”

And then Matt, being the legendary columnist that he is, brings it all home with this analysis of what might have been:

Just for a second, let’s live in Carter’s universe: the Revolutionary War didn’t happen because man’s goodness helped him realize war is not the answer. Empire-building continues around the world, slavery is still a respected practice and Jimmy Carter doesn’t become president of anything. He’s just another peanut farmer.

On second thought, maybe that’s not so bad.

The Informed Speculator

Next, we have Chris Adamo with a piece entitled John Kerry’s Real Regard for Religion. After calling John Kerry's comments about Mary Cheney "ham fisted" (I don't even want to know), he tells us this about the Democratic ticket:

If Kerry and Edwards possess so little understanding of the Judeo-Christian foundations upon which this great nation was forged, they cannot possibly comprehend the nature of militant Islam that now seeks to annihilate it.


Knows about ham-fisting

And finally, we have a delightful piece about Teresa Heinz "(Kerry)" by a fellow named JB Williams. Take it away, JB!

It’s a toss up as to whether Teresa Heinz (Kerry) should be named the new poster child for mad cow disease, or turrets syndrome. But one thing is becoming glaringly obvious; she shouldn’t be First Lady…

And why does JB think that?

Ms. Heinz (Kerry) is like a bad morph of Hillary Clinton and Marge Schott. She has the irreversible nasty socialist temperament of Hillary, and the irresponsible tendency to say the worst possible thing, at the worst possible time, like Marge. In short, she’s a one woman wrecking ball…

But then it gets even better:

Can you imagine her sitting across the table from foreign dignitaries after a cocktail or two? Unfortunately, I can, and it’s frightening…

And who's this cultured man with such in-depth knowledge of cocktails and foreign dignitaries?

The Frightened Sophisticate

So there you have it. Four delightfully informative articles from the Rant. Kind of makes you realize that the Wing Nuts are everywhere. Well, they're certainly at the Rant anyway.


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