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Prepare to be horrified...
Friday, September 03, 2004
"To All You Liberals Out There"
Edward L. Daley has a message for you. And given last night's Convention speech, it's a very timely message, too. It's all about how George W. Bush actually demonstrated heroism in staying to read My Pet Goat after learning of the terrorist attack on the morning of September 11th.
Over the past few weeks, you folks have been trumpeting a charge directed at George W. Bush that he spent seven whole minutes continuing to read a story to a group of children on September 11, 2001, after he'd heard about that second plane crashing into the south tower of the World Trade Center.
Does it matter that, at the time, there was nothing he could have done about the attacks?
Are you insane, Ed?
Of course it doesn't. No, that swine Bush actually continued reading instead of leaping into action like Superman and single-handedly saving our nation from imminent peril! Why, he should have been impeached that second... right?
Ed is what we in the business call a "master of sarcasm."
Well guys and gals, it's time to slide down the big bright beam of light from that magical spacecraft you're on, back down to planet earth for just a moment. The mother ship will be waiting for you after I'm finished commenting, I promise.
While we're talking about space aliens, I want to show you the photo of Ed that accompanies his article at GOP USA:
Edward L. Daley
Supermarket tabloid artist's rendition of a Venusian sent to infiltrate humanity or ordinary Wing Nut columnist? You decide.
You see, as much as you may hate to admit it, President Bush wasn't derelict in his duty on that fateful day in September nearly three years ago. As a matter of fact, he was actually fulfilling his duty when those vicious terrorists attacked us, and his reaction upon hearing the initial news was to remain calm and await further information.
I'm kind of surprised the President didn't hit that very high point in his coronation speech last night. Just think how regal it would have sounded: "On that terrible morning, my first reaction was to remain calm and await further information, thus fulfilling my sacred duty."
He continued reading to those young people because there was no reason for him to immediately stop doing what he was there to do. Behaving like some panicky housewife with a mouse under her chair would have accomplished nothing except to frighten those kids unnecessarily, and rattle everyone else around him.
Sure thing, Ed. Finding out that the nation was under attack was certainly no cause for the President to stop reading My Pet Goat.
Now, you may not believe that visiting a school is a very important thing for the president to be doing in the first place, but I can think of a lot worse things he could have been up to at the time.
Right. Because mean-spirited and immoral Democrats the world over have been bashing the President for having the temerity to visit a school that morning.
Ed seems to have eaten red herring for lunch.
While we're discussing Ed's excellent grasp of important world events, we should probably take a moment to mention the fact that he owns and runs The Daley Times-Post, his very own news site. And it's not just a news site. No, it's also a misguided homage to the painfully funny Norbizness (see section entitled "Picture Fun").
But let's get back to Ed's column.
After all, he could have been cheating on his wife with some bubble-headed bimbo, but he wasn't. He could have been testifying before a court of law about a sexual harassment complaint lodged against him, and committing perjury, but he wasn't. He could have been embarrassing this country in any number of ways, but he wasn't. No, he was simply reading a story to some little kids, and he continued to do so even under tremendously difficult circumstances. That's called maintaining one's composure.
No, Ed. That's actually called being paralyzed by indecision. Nice try, though.
Hmmmm...Now that I think about it, it really wasn't that nice of a try.
Indeed, that may not matter to people like yourselves when you think about what makes a person presidential, but ask yourself this, is the way George Bush reacted in that classroom on 9/11 less or more presidential than saying that war crimes committed by U.S. soldiers in Vietnam were the rule and not the exception? That's what John Kerry did in 1971... and, just in case you didn't know it, that contention wasn't true.
You know, if you take that last sentence by itself, Ed's actually right.
At this point, Ed decides to regurgitate a story about the 1972 Olympics he heard Rudy Giuliani tell during his Convention speech on Monday night. If you're wondering what the hell that has to do with My Pet Goat, don't worry...Ed's about to explain.
But what's all this stuff about the Olympics got to do with what President Bush was doing on September 11 you ask? Well, nothing really, I just wanted to illustrate a point, which is that what you wish was the truth and what actually IS the truth are two different things.
When I was eight, my dad took me to see Nature Boy Ric Flair fight the Great Kabuki. What does that have to do with Ed's column, you ask? Well, nothing really, I just wanted to illustrate how moronic it is.
Tell me, can you see the difference between Kerry's version of certain events surrounding the Vietnam War and Giuliani's version of the terrorist events which took place during the Olympics in Germany?
Uh...One was about terrorism at the Olympics and the other was about Vietnam?
Here's a clue, one version was fiction and one was R-E-A-L-I-T-Y.
Damn. I always miss those.
Be that as it may, I hope you are now able to appreciate that some of the things you've been told are true, really aren't, and that other things you don't believe, are true no matter how much you may wish they weren't... like the fact that George Bush reacted exactly as he should have on 9/11, with calmness and equanimity.
The new Republican Platform, ladies and gentlemen, and you heard it here first. If the nation is attacked by terrorists again, they promise to remain calm, maybe catch up on their reading, and await further information.
Now, I don't want to detain you any longer, I know you have a long trip ahead of you back to whatever fantasy world you're currently living on. Just do me one little favor before you go. The next time you decide to come back and visit us earthlings, try to keep what I've written above in mind... especially if you intend to vote here.
You know what, Ed? I think I may just do that.
I thank you for your time, and don't forget to say hi to Michael Moore for me.
Sure. Right after I finish reading My Pet Goat. Not only is it a good story...It's also the right thing to do.