Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: Frozen Tundra

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Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Frozen Tundra

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Frozen Tundra. She's one of the red-hot columnists over at Bush Country. Her real name is Cynthia A. Guenthner but she prefers to be called Frozen Tundra.

Frozen Tundra derives her name in honor of her state's beloved football team, the Green Bay Packers.

Right.

Is it just me or is Frozen Tundra the greatest name for a female Wing Nut ever?


Frozen Tundra

You might be wondering just what kind of previous writing experience Frozen Tundra brought to the table to land such a prestigious job at Bush Country. Well, wonder no longer, my friends.

She is a serious student of country music history and an avid NASCAR fan. She was so personally affected by the tragedy at the 2001 Daytona 500 that she wrote the Christmas poem, "Santa and the Black Number 3," which was published in Beckett Racing Collectibles magazine and posted on the highly-acclaimed intmd8or.com website. The poignant tribute stirred the emotions of Dale Earnhardt fans across the nation and was well received.

But never let it be said that Frozen Tundra is a one-trick pony. No, there are apparently many tricks in that stable. Well, at least one other:

She has also been a contributor to The Badger CommonTater, the official trade magazine of the Wisconsin Potato and Vegetable Growers Association.

Of course that was then and this is now. Can Frozen Tundra make it in the Big Leagues? Let's hope so. Her latest column at Bush Country is entitled Stereotyping - Two Can Play The Game.

Strolling leisurely around my small community, I couldn’t help but take note of the unusually large number of political yard signs (mostly for Democratic candidates) so early in the campaign season. What concerns me is that although my county is considered a “swing” district, President Bush won here in 2000. So where are all the Bush/Cheney and other Republican signs?

Hmmmm...Very interesting...Sounds like a job for...Frozen Tundra!

I’ve often accused liberals of resorting to stereotypes in describing conservative Republicans: e. g., They inaccurately accuse us of being “rich” and “insensitive to the poor and downtrodden”. Well, we can play their game too, and probably end up with far more accurate assumptions.

That's right! And her assumptions are far more original, too. Because it's actually the Democrats who are "rich" and "insensitive to the poor and downtrodden."

Think I'm joking? Keep reading.

From my observing the Kerry/Edwards and other Democratic candidates’ signs (and bumper stickers), I decided the bearers share some common characteristics:

Well, at least investigative journalism is not dead.

1. Most of the homes located on the Dem. sign-filled lots are relatively prosperous-appearing (at least as far as this rural community is concerned). Boats, snowmobiles, and multiple other newer-model vehicles (among them Cadillacs and sporty ‘vettes) grace the paved driveways meandering through well-groomed lawns. Surely these homeowners can’t claim the “economy” is the reason they support the Democrats. Seems they “ain’t done so bad” under the Bush administration.

Paved driveways and mown lawns? Just who are these modern-day Rockefellers?

2. Most Democrats are present or retired public employees—law enforcement officers, firefighters, postal workers, educators, social workers, or public defenders. It’s no surprise that public school teachers back the Democrats, considering all the left-wing propaganda the National Education Association pounds into their supposedly academic heads. And public defenders see one of their own (albeit another class of shrewd attorneys) in Edwards. But what goes with the firefighters or police officers? Do these folks truly believe that the Democrats will grant them a safer, more law-abiding society?

Yes.

3. Pedestrians beware in the vicinity of these Democratic residences. Dogs running at large and, during the lengthy Wisconsin winters, icy and snow-covered sidewalks, are just a few of the dangers greeting those who approach these dwellings—ironically, even those of law enforcement officers. But then again, I suppose it’s the “state’s duty” (socialist philosophy at work) to take care of such responsibilities as clearing sidewalks and restraining dogs. My personal stereotypical conclusion: Democrats are not only inconsiderate—they’re lazy as well.

That paragraph may have sounded dumb but it's kind of hard to argue with a CommonTater of Frozen Tundra's stature.

Following Labor Day, I expect the political signs to become more commonplace, if not ubiquitous. I’ll have to see if this pattern of stereotypes continues and maybe give another report just prior to the election. But until then, I can only hope that the multitude of Democratic signs are simply an expression of their desperation, and that there’s a “silent majority” of Republicans waiting for the right moment to proudly put up their own.

But since the Republicans are all poor and never mow their lawns, it's probably going to be kind of hard to see them.

And please, dear readers, maybe you could try a little harder to keep your dog tied up, your boat parked out back, your sporty 'vette in the garage where it belongs, and your lawn filled with weeds. We wouldn't want the Wing Nuts to think we're elitists.

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