Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: Bring On The Suicide Bombers!

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Bring On The Suicide Bombers!

Craig R. Smith. You might know him as the guy on Fox News who's always telling you to buy gold. Well, he's also just established himself as King of the Wing Nuts. For this month, anyway. Let's just think of him as Mr. September.

I know that's a pretty tall statement but I'm confident that after reading his new column entitled Terrorism solution: 1-way ticket to paradise, you'll agree.

He starts with this stirring quote from our Commander-in-Chief:

"If we stop fighting the terrorists in Iraq, they would be free to plot and plan attacks elsewhere, in America and other free nations."

–GeorgeW. Bush, Sept. 23, 2004


Fortunately for Bush and his plan, it appears as though we'll be fighting terrorists in Iraq for a very long time.

Today the U.S. is either a) witnessing one of the most brilliant military strategies in the war on terror, or b) experiencing yet another example of the "Law of Unintended Consequences."

How about Option C? Squandering our might, prestige, relationships, resources, and (most importantly) young people in an increasingly un-winnable quaqmire? That one doesn't seem to have occurred to Craig for some reason.

Anyway, after his comprehensive list of options, Mr. September tells us that our actions in Afghanistan were stunningly successful. Of course they didn't end terrorism but did send lots of terrorists "scurrying for the nearest spider hole." What that means will shortly become clear.

If I were president, or an international leader, common sense would tell me that the next place you seek to destroy the enemy and those who support terrorism would be Iraq. Why? Forget about WMDs.

Don't worry, Craig. They already seem to be forgotten.

Forget about biological, nuclear or chemical weapons. Even if Iraq had not one peashooter, I would have attacked, because Saddam was a human-rights maniac.

Sure, Craig. That's why you've written so many columns advocating the removal of human-rights maniacs from power in so many other far-flung countries.

Not because he raped women on the day of their weddings, or because of the torture rooms where unheard-of atrocities where committed. No, I would have gone in for one reason: Saddam was openly and proudly paying U.S. $25,000 to any "Palestinian" (read: Arab) terrorist that would strap on a bomb and kill innocent Jews in the streets of Haifa, Jerusalem or Tel Aviv.

So we attacked. And rightly so. We absolutely decimated his regime. We kicked butt, and the victory was laughably easy to us.

Yeah, so far we've had over a thousand of our most giving citizens laugh all the way to the grave. Sounds like a real comedy fest to me. And then there's the fact that Iraq is now a model of democratic reform and freedom and we'll probably never need to worry about violence in Israel again!

But in doing so, we totally humiliated the world of the terrorists. They saw how Saddam – the tough warrior who said he would slay the Great Satan and have their blood run in the streets of Baghdad – was reduced to a rat hiding in a hole.

Everybody knows that the plan of the terrorists all along was to stop the American Army on its drive to Baghdad.

Military brilliance or unintended consequence?

Now comes the "Law of Unintended Consequences," or one of the most brilliant plans ever executed by any military planner in the history of war. You see, it now appears Saddam's defeat was so powerful that terrorists – from Jordan to Saudi Arabia – are rallying to the cries of the defeated radicals in Iraq because their honor is on the line.

Lots of new ones are rising up in Iraq, too! Don't forget that!

I say the more the merrier. Bring them all to Iraq. I hope every single terrorist in the world feels an absolute holy obligation, a call from Allah if you will, to come to Iraq and become car bombers, suicide bombers and rocket-wielding nut balls.

If that paragraph doesn't automatically put Craig into the Wing Nut-of-the-Year Finals, then the contest is meaningless.

Why?

I might have phrased that question somewhat differently. I'm pretty sure my version would have involved a lot more profanity.

Simple: You have an enemy that was once scattered throughout the Middle East and the world now coming together all in one place to fight in Iraq, and they therefore can be eliminated at one time, in one way, real simply.

Real simply, indeed. Craig's a regular Clausewitz, it seems.

I pray each night for every insane Muslim terrorist who will hear the "holy call" to go and fight in Iraq.

I'm sure our soldiers in Iraq are absolutely thrilled to hear that!

Think about it for a moment. How many terrorists are we killing every day in Iraq? Tens, hundreds, thousands? That's one less terrorist that is somewhere else plotting or coordinating more attacks on freedom-loving people like you and me – which is exactly what G.W. Bush told Prime Minister Ayad Allawi this week.

Barbara Tuchman once pointed out that political leaders always fight the last war. In other words, their natural inclination is to fall back on past methods, strategies, and world-views, regardless of what may have changed in the intervening time. Mr. September doesn't seem to be fighting the last war, though. He seems to be fighting one of those Victorian wars of about 140 years ago.

Whether the military generals have planned it or not, the enemy is now in Iraq, and they can be defeated in large numbers if we just have the guts to let the troops do their job!

How much you wanna bet that for Craig, "doing their job" involves a lot of indiscriminate killing?

The U.S. military could easily do an airdrop of millions of leaflets over Fallujah warning civilians that they have exactly 48 hours to get out. If they have nowhere to go, we can help set up refugee camps, giving the innocent food and shelter. Then we allow the U.S. and coalition forces to go in and level the place, killing everything that moves after the deadline, leveling their mosques, buildings – everything!

Ahhhh, that's a brilliant and truly godly solution. The terrorists will obviously stay put after reading those leaflets. I'm sure none of the "innocents" will mind having everything they know destroyed. And just think of all those hearts and minds we'll win throughout the region in the process!

The net result: annihilation of the enemy in Iraq, which in turn will likely incite even more outrage in the terrorist world, which will then draw even more of these nut ball terrorists to Iraq to help fight the jihad against the Great Satan, who will meet the same fate as their fellow terrorist we killed the day before.

Kind of a flawless plan when you think about it. We keep encouraging the rise of terrorism so we can keep killing terrorists. Somebody get this guy a Nobel Prize!

Iraq could become the official terrorist launching pad to eternity, where they stop by, blow themselves up, pick up their 72 virgins and head for paradise. They should be grateful to the Great Satan. Think of how easy we're making it for these vermin to get their glory!

Do you realize what Mr. September is saying? He's actually telling us it's a good thing to have more suicide bombers trying to kill our troops.

Stop. And let that sink in for a moment.

Let's stop kidding ourselves and playing political games on talk radio, TV and op-ed pages. We are at war. In war people die. Sometimes innocent people. That is terrible, but a reality.

As long as those innocent people are not named Craig, he doesn't seem like he'll be too broken up about their dying.

I want to remind you while the troops have been fighting these "insurgent" terrorists in Iraq, Americans have been safe in Indiana.

And how could anybody possibly dispute the causal relationship there?

In fact, I think Americans would be well served to establish a new nonprofit fund that would buy a one-way airline ticket for any Islamic fundamentalist who believes terrorism is a "reasonable choice of weapon" to fight the infidel in Iraq. A one-way ticket back to Iraq. There will be no need to go back home, for they will soon be headed to "paradise." They can join their brothers to fight and be killed in Iraq – not here in America.

How is it possible that our military leaders haven't chosen to do this yet?!

I will be the first to buy a ticket. Any takers?

Tell you what, Craig. I'll pony up the dough to send you there too because I'm sure you'll want to be the first to throw yourself into the path of all those suicide bombers.


Mr. September, 2004

Update: SocraticSilence reminds me that Norbizness had a great post a few days ago debunking the whole "bring 'em on" theory. Check it out.

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