Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: September 2004

Prepare to be horrified...

Thursday, September 30, 2004

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Yes, dear readers, it's "All Sex Day" over at World o'Crap. Don't visit on an empty stomach, though, because S.Z. is already talking about an Ann Coulter porno.

Just one thing...Before you visit, make sure you read the piece below as it makes a nice counterpoint to all the sex you'll encounter.


The 15 Most Deadly Lies

That's the subject of a new book being hawked over at World Net Daily. It's called Myths, Lies, & Half-Truths: How Misreading the Bible Neutralizes Christians and is, as you might expect from WND, all about militant Christianity and the embrace of politics.

In Gary DeMar's newest book, "Myths, Lies, & Half-Truths" readers will explore in detail the 15 most deadly lies accepted by far too many Christians and Christian leaders.

Why does this happen? Because we misread the Bible in many ways.

Fortunately, Gary's here to instruct us how to read it correctly.

The rest of the WND piece lists those 15 deadly lies that are neutralizing Christians. Following are a couple of my favorites.

Jesus didn't get mixed up in politics

Recently unearthed texts indicate that Jesus was, in fact, planning to run for the State Senate in Galilee (as a Republican, of course) just before his untimely demise.

You can't impose your morality on other people

If Gary can't have fun in this life, then he's damn sure gonna be certain that you can't either!

There's a separation between church and state

He's got a point here. All the greatest governments throughout history have been built upon religious fundamentalism.

We're living in the last days

Ooooh...Hal Lindsey's not going to like that one.

Christians should just 'preach the gospel'

Real Christians understand that the true meaning of the Great Commission was to go forth and redistrict Texas.

Politics is dirty

In fact, politics is the gentle art, a realm of truth, honesty, and fairness for all.

Religion and politics do not mix

True. What purpose could God possibly serve aside from political prop?

Our citizenship is in heaven

Is Gary admitting that his isn't?

God's kingdom is not of this world.

Better start laying up those treasures on earth, Christians.

These and many more objections are studied, evaluated, and answered in this succinctly written new book. Understanding what God's Word says about these often-recited but rarely examined challenges to Christian activism will determine the future of Christianity in America and around the world.

When you realize how many of those "lies" were about spiritual understanding, care for the poor and downtrodden, metaphysical mysteries, and personal growth and change, that's a pretty telling statement of the type of Christianity WND is trying to spread.

This being the case, it just may be the most important book you will ever read.

Wow. Considering that most WND readers would probably claim to have read the Bible, that's quite a recommendation!


Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Is It Too Late For America?

World Net Daily has been running a giant banner headline at the top of their site with these dramatic words: Christian revival in U.S. – can it really happen?

Let's find out!

While many Christian voices are calling urgently for a major national revival, author John Chalfant not only agrees, but has offered up a stunning blueprint to help get the job done.

This being World Net Daily, You can probably guess where this one's going.

The United States is losing its greatness, says Chalfant, because Christian clergy have abandoned "the militant, power-filled, full-dimensional" faith of America's founders.

Because if there's one thing this country needs to be great again, it's more militant fundamentalists.

Many Christian leaders have compromised with a secular worldview that never could have created the Declaration of Independence, Constitution or Bill of Rights, claims Chalfant, a member of the influential Council for National Policy.

Yeah, they've spent their efforts worrying about the poor and downtrodden when they should have been promoting defense initiatives and communist witch hunts. Think I'm kidding? Then read on, my friend!

"We are in a war for our God-given nation and freedoms, and the workers of iniquity are winning," Chalfant says.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised Dick Cheney hasn't claimed credit for these workers of iniquity. After all, they'd help boost his claims about our booming economy.

But he has not given up hope – far from it – insisting Christians still have at their disposal "the superior, available power and strength to take it all back."

"The hour is late, but the bell has not yet tolled for America," writes Chalfant, whose book offers a major action plan for restoration.

Have you ever stopped to think about what the Wing Nuts are really saying when they shriek about the hour being late for America? Wouldn't this make them treasonous, defeatist, flip-flopping blame-America-firsters?

He points out that while non-Christians in America certainly are not obligated to adopt or convert to the Christian faith, it is "the duty of every American citizen to defend the Constitution and the Judeo-Christian pillars of law and liberty which grant us such freedoms."

Interesting argument. If you don't support Christianity, then you won't have the right to believe something other than Christianity.

"Every citizen who is a beneficiary of America's freedoms, especially the freedom to worship as he or she pleases, or not to worship at all, has a duty to defend the Judeo-Christian pillars and laws of our nation that make such freedom possible," he adds.

"In no sense is this duty a compromise with one's own religious convictions. In America this duty simply guarantees a person's right to worship as he pleases without fear of persecution."

Well, I'm a little more old school than John and so trace my pillars and laws back to the Code of Hammurabi. Come on, people! It's your duty to support Bel and Marduk and the freedoms they make possible!

Chalfant says he committed the rest of his life "to the service of Jesus Christ and America's freedoms" after hearing a speech by the political hero of his youth, Richard Arens, staff director of the House Committee on Un-American Activities, who produced a research series on Soviet world expansion.

So far we've learned that we must embrace Christianity to enable us to believe other things. This coming from the man who learned Christianity from the HUAC – a group legendary for its embrace and cultivation of widely differing points of view.

The Arens speech began, "Two thousand years ago there was One who spoke these words: 'No man can serve two masters," comparing Jesus Christ, the "author of freedom," to Karl Marx, the "destroyer of freedom."

Finding inner peace and the meaning of life? Developing a personal relationship with the Almighty? Nah. Christianity's all about defeating the Commies.

Over the next three decades, he helped assist and fund the many Christian pro-defense leaders with whom he developed a relationship. Among his projects was a video marketing campaign, "SALT Syndrome," by the American Security Council, which President-elect Ronald Reagan later wrote was a major factor in his election victory.

So what God really wants for our nation is revival in the form of a missile defense system.

The first edition of his book, published with the title "Abandonment Theology: The Clergy and the Decline of American Christianity," was hailed by many state and national lawmakers. It has become a text for political campaigns, Christian and conservative organizations and has earned the endorsement of clergy across denominational lines.

Any guesses what kinds of political campaigns would use John's book as a "text?"

Next we learn that our nation needs to return to the "militant Christian faith" of the Founding Fathers and renounce the evils of Abandonment Theology.

Abandonment theology, he says, has laid the foundation for the "prevailing posture of non-resistance to overspreading evil."

John really has a way with words, doesn't he? In a piece praising the glories of strong national defense, he makes it a point to tie "non-resistance" with "overspreading evil."

I feel kind of bad that I haven't made more of an attempt to tie "John" with "moron."

The widespread retreat from Christian duty has opened the country to atheistic, humanistic, evolutionary and cult-based evils that undermine the founding principles of America and threaten our nation, Chalfant says.

Yes, because if there's one thing that's decimated our once-great nation, it's our biology teachers. I'm sure there's a very special section of hell reserved for them.

He describes "Abandonment Theology" as:

A faith which deceptively pawns itself off as Christianity by operating in the name of Christ, but which produces fruits destructive to America's God-given freedoms. It comprises what is left today of the militant, power-filled, full-dimensional Christian faith of America's Founders after decades of erosion, watering down and trivializing of God's action mandates by America's Abandonment Clergy. It is a "feel good" theology that patronizes Jesus Christ and thereby gains legitimacy, while at the same time produces disobedience to the commands of God and desertion of Christian duty.

The commands of God including things like building a missile defense system, of course.

Evil's influences

His updated volume addresses contemporary political issues such as national defense, Islamic terrorism, public education and "reparations."

Sounds like a blueprint for revival to me. Those reparations nuts are really dragging this country down into the depths of depravity.

He summarizes areas in which evil has gained influence because of "abandonment clergy" and their followers:

Here are a couple of examples:

Homosexuality: This practice is condemned by God as "abomination" and "unclean" (transmitters for death-dealing diseases such as AIDS). It is "against nature," and is not genetic or an "alternate lifestyle."

Step One for revival: adopt John's lifestyle. There is no alternate.

John W. Chalfant

Women (wives, mothers, sisters, and daughters) in combat: It is an inversion of the natural role for which God created women and contributes to the destruction of a nation through downgrading and demoralizing its military combat forces.

Poverty, injustice, corruption, corporate imperialism, invasions of sovereign countries...God doesn't care about these things. It's women in the military that really makes Him mad.

"Peace, peace; when there is no peace:" Years of disarming, neutralizing propaganda takes the fight out of Christians. The claim ignores "fallen human nature" and God's mandates for vigilance by selling the false doctrine of "peace" or "peace in our time" or "peaceful co-existence" (with evil governments) as if peace were nothing more than the absence of battlefield conflict.

Time to break out the assault rifles for Jesus!

In response, Chalfant lays out a comprehensive 18-point action plan. But the very first task, he says, is "to go to our knees in prayer and ask God to help us put the shattered pieces of our Christian worldview back together so we can clearly see the whole picture and the positive role that we as individuals can play in the areas of our calling."

Cool. I'm pretty sure my calling is to mock Wing Nuts so I won't even be needing the 18 points.


Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Bring On The Suicide Bombers!

Craig R. Smith. You might know him as the guy on Fox News who's always telling you to buy gold. Well, he's also just established himself as King of the Wing Nuts. For this month, anyway. Let's just think of him as Mr. September.

I know that's a pretty tall statement but I'm confident that after reading his new column entitled Terrorism solution: 1-way ticket to paradise, you'll agree.

He starts with this stirring quote from our Commander-in-Chief:

"If we stop fighting the terrorists in Iraq, they would be free to plot and plan attacks elsewhere, in America and other free nations."

–GeorgeW. Bush, Sept. 23, 2004

Fortunately for Bush and his plan, it appears as though we'll be fighting terrorists in Iraq for a very long time.

Today the U.S. is either a) witnessing one of the most brilliant military strategies in the war on terror, or b) experiencing yet another example of the "Law of Unintended Consequences."

How about Option C? Squandering our might, prestige, relationships, resources, and (most importantly) young people in an increasingly un-winnable quaqmire? That one doesn't seem to have occurred to Craig for some reason.

Anyway, after his comprehensive list of options, Mr. September tells us that our actions in Afghanistan were stunningly successful. Of course they didn't end terrorism but did send lots of terrorists "scurrying for the nearest spider hole." What that means will shortly become clear.

If I were president, or an international leader, common sense would tell me that the next place you seek to destroy the enemy and those who support terrorism would be Iraq. Why? Forget about WMDs.

Don't worry, Craig. They already seem to be forgotten.

Forget about biological, nuclear or chemical weapons. Even if Iraq had not one peashooter, I would have attacked, because Saddam was a human-rights maniac.

Sure, Craig. That's why you've written so many columns advocating the removal of human-rights maniacs from power in so many other far-flung countries.

Not because he raped women on the day of their weddings, or because of the torture rooms where unheard-of atrocities where committed. No, I would have gone in for one reason: Saddam was openly and proudly paying U.S. $25,000 to any "Palestinian" (read: Arab) terrorist that would strap on a bomb and kill innocent Jews in the streets of Haifa, Jerusalem or Tel Aviv.

So we attacked. And rightly so. We absolutely decimated his regime. We kicked butt, and the victory was laughably easy to us.

Yeah, so far we've had over a thousand of our most giving citizens laugh all the way to the grave. Sounds like a real comedy fest to me. And then there's the fact that Iraq is now a model of democratic reform and freedom and we'll probably never need to worry about violence in Israel again!

But in doing so, we totally humiliated the world of the terrorists. They saw how Saddam – the tough warrior who said he would slay the Great Satan and have their blood run in the streets of Baghdad – was reduced to a rat hiding in a hole.

Everybody knows that the plan of the terrorists all along was to stop the American Army on its drive to Baghdad.

Military brilliance or unintended consequence?

Now comes the "Law of Unintended Consequences," or one of the most brilliant plans ever executed by any military planner in the history of war. You see, it now appears Saddam's defeat was so powerful that terrorists – from Jordan to Saudi Arabia – are rallying to the cries of the defeated radicals in Iraq because their honor is on the line.

Lots of new ones are rising up in Iraq, too! Don't forget that!

I say the more the merrier. Bring them all to Iraq. I hope every single terrorist in the world feels an absolute holy obligation, a call from Allah if you will, to come to Iraq and become car bombers, suicide bombers and rocket-wielding nut balls.

If that paragraph doesn't automatically put Craig into the Wing Nut-of-the-Year Finals, then the contest is meaningless.


I might have phrased that question somewhat differently. I'm pretty sure my version would have involved a lot more profanity.

Simple: You have an enemy that was once scattered throughout the Middle East and the world now coming together all in one place to fight in Iraq, and they therefore can be eliminated at one time, in one way, real simply.

Real simply, indeed. Craig's a regular Clausewitz, it seems.

I pray each night for every insane Muslim terrorist who will hear the "holy call" to go and fight in Iraq.

I'm sure our soldiers in Iraq are absolutely thrilled to hear that!

Think about it for a moment. How many terrorists are we killing every day in Iraq? Tens, hundreds, thousands? That's one less terrorist that is somewhere else plotting or coordinating more attacks on freedom-loving people like you and me – which is exactly what G.W. Bush told Prime Minister Ayad Allawi this week.

Barbara Tuchman once pointed out that political leaders always fight the last war. In other words, their natural inclination is to fall back on past methods, strategies, and world-views, regardless of what may have changed in the intervening time. Mr. September doesn't seem to be fighting the last war, though. He seems to be fighting one of those Victorian wars of about 140 years ago.

Whether the military generals have planned it or not, the enemy is now in Iraq, and they can be defeated in large numbers if we just have the guts to let the troops do their job!

How much you wanna bet that for Craig, "doing their job" involves a lot of indiscriminate killing?

The U.S. military could easily do an airdrop of millions of leaflets over Fallujah warning civilians that they have exactly 48 hours to get out. If they have nowhere to go, we can help set up refugee camps, giving the innocent food and shelter. Then we allow the U.S. and coalition forces to go in and level the place, killing everything that moves after the deadline, leveling their mosques, buildings – everything!

Ahhhh, that's a brilliant and truly godly solution. The terrorists will obviously stay put after reading those leaflets. I'm sure none of the "innocents" will mind having everything they know destroyed. And just think of all those hearts and minds we'll win throughout the region in the process!

The net result: annihilation of the enemy in Iraq, which in turn will likely incite even more outrage in the terrorist world, which will then draw even more of these nut ball terrorists to Iraq to help fight the jihad against the Great Satan, who will meet the same fate as their fellow terrorist we killed the day before.

Kind of a flawless plan when you think about it. We keep encouraging the rise of terrorism so we can keep killing terrorists. Somebody get this guy a Nobel Prize!

Iraq could become the official terrorist launching pad to eternity, where they stop by, blow themselves up, pick up their 72 virgins and head for paradise. They should be grateful to the Great Satan. Think of how easy we're making it for these vermin to get their glory!

Do you realize what Mr. September is saying? He's actually telling us it's a good thing to have more suicide bombers trying to kill our troops.

Stop. And let that sink in for a moment.

Let's stop kidding ourselves and playing political games on talk radio, TV and op-ed pages. We are at war. In war people die. Sometimes innocent people. That is terrible, but a reality.

As long as those innocent people are not named Craig, he doesn't seem like he'll be too broken up about their dying.

I want to remind you while the troops have been fighting these "insurgent" terrorists in Iraq, Americans have been safe in Indiana.

And how could anybody possibly dispute the causal relationship there?

In fact, I think Americans would be well served to establish a new nonprofit fund that would buy a one-way airline ticket for any Islamic fundamentalist who believes terrorism is a "reasonable choice of weapon" to fight the infidel in Iraq. A one-way ticket back to Iraq. There will be no need to go back home, for they will soon be headed to "paradise." They can join their brothers to fight and be killed in Iraq – not here in America.

How is it possible that our military leaders haven't chosen to do this yet?!

I will be the first to buy a ticket. Any takers?

Tell you what, Craig. I'll pony up the dough to send you there too because I'm sure you'll want to be the first to throw yourself into the path of all those suicide bombers.

Mr. September, 2004

Update: SocraticSilence reminds me that Norbizness had a great post a few days ago debunking the whole "bring 'em on" theory. Check it out.


Monday, September 27, 2004


Well, we here at the Dark Window were gone all weekend and haven't had a chance to write our usual low-quality blog entry for today. In its stead, we invite you once again to visit two very cool blogs that we've only just added to our blogroll: Femme Fatal and The Infinite Stitch. Both blogs are fantastic and deserve your full attention.

In addition to those, we are very pleased to introduce a brand-new blog by famed Dark Window commenter Delagar. Delagar is a professor of English in Arkansas (feel free to make any of the obvious jokes here) and has started a blog that looks to be interesting, incisive, witty, and informative. In other words, all those things that Sadly, No! isn't.

Please go visit these and the other fine blogs listed to your right and we'll be back here tomorrow with our usual caustic delight.


Friday, September 24, 2004

No, It's OUR Hurricane!

Ah, well, it was just a matter of time before the Wing Nuts finally got around to shrieking about all these hurricanes.

First off we have Rush Limbaugh saying hurricanes aren't increasing in frequency:

"Hurricanes have been around in greater numbers than we've seen today before we even started doing what they [liberals] say we're doing that causes global warming."

And then here's Hal Lindsey who says that hurricanes actually are increasing in frequency:

An onslaught of deadly hurricanes that have battered the southern United States support theories that such storms are occurring more frequently.

He goes on to say:

Meanwhile, up and down the Atlantic seaboard, forecasters continue to worry about running out of letters in the alphabet before we run out of hurricanes this year.

And what's the significance of that?

Jesus predicted these kind of signs would begin to occur just before His return

Aha. So one Wing Nut says the number of hurricanes has been decreasing (so we can feel better about polluting) while another says it's been increasing (so Jesus can return to earth). How is one to make sense of this seeming contradiction by two of conservatism's brightest lights?

Well, fortunately there's also Matt Grills over at the Rant, who gets right to the heart of the matter. It doesn't matter if they're increasing or decreasing in frequency. What matters is that God may be using them to target liberals and sinners.

As Hurricane Ivan continues to display its destructive power, I’m reminded of the unpleasant and often ignored reality of God’s wrath.

At the risk of sounding like Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson, who appear to have high-speed DSL connecting them to God’s gray matter, I do believe that the Almighty occasionally employs natural disasters and other tragedies in an effort to communicate his discontent with nations and the people inhabiting them.

Matt's about to demonstrate how his connection to the Almighty is more akin to dial-up.

Like most Americans, I did a double take when I heard that Ivan, before its course change, threatened to drown New Orleans in 12 to 18 feet of water. But considering that Mardi Gras is basically a crotch grab in the Almighty’s general direction, isn’t it naive to think the city’s not a magnet for some kind of trouble?

Speaking of crotch grabs, I'm thinking Matt might very much enjoy this link.

Now on to a more serious note: Pissed Off Patricia, one of the very cool bloggers over at Blondesense, is currently in the process of having to re-evacuate her home (already badly damaged by previous storms) because of the threat of Hurricane Jeanne. I don't think Liz and the crew at Blondesense have a tip jar, unfortunately, but at least drop by and wish Patricia well.


Thursday, September 23, 2004

Wing Nut Fashion Show!

It's time for another round of cutting-edge Christian t-shirts here at the Dark Window and today's offerings come from the new fall line by the ultra-trendy designers at Christian Outfitters. As you can imagine, these things are taking the runways of Milan and Paris by storm.

I can't wait to watch Night of the Living Blessings!

I'm just going to be honest. I'm not drinking from any cup that has blood dripping down the side. Get some Palmolive and we'll talk.

I think God had Queen's theme song to Flash Gordon in mind when He made our Savior President. "Bum bum bum bum...Bush...Bu-ush...He saved every one of us! Doo doo doo doo..."

"That tomb sucked, man. But I got up and now it's time to get down! To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!"

Oooh, Jacob's about to get bitch slapped! The heart above the "i" makes it family-safe, though.

The Female Body Inspector isn't going to be happy about having his acronym stolen. Well, unless that believer is hot in addition to being firm.

Too bad Jesus didn't have a Jetta. He probably could have gotten a little closer.

Of course he's not here. He's guest-starring in Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance in Vega$.

If God's soldiers choose to gird themselves in these "trojans," what does that make them?

Uh...Ann Coulter?

Be sure to join us next time for another exciting edition of Trends in End Times Witnessing!


Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Ted's Revenge

Because Seb is on vacation and nobody is manning (I use that term loosely) his blog (well, nobody meaning me, of course), my entry for today is posted over at his far-inferior website. It's all about Pat Robertson's news organization and their fear of grade school textbooks. Since you are not excused from reading a Dark Window entry today, I suggest that you go read it now.

We'll be back here tomorrow.

Thank you.


Tuesday, September 21, 2004

"Time To Just Say It!"

That's the title of JB Williams' latest column at American Daily, one of America's premier sources for news and commentary.

Politicians have successfully divided 290 million individuals into a handful of nice neat little voting blocks easy to pander to. The liberal media (who is rarely fair or balanced about anything), has brain soaked the country into thinking “fair & balanced” reporting is of more value than just plain “truthful” reporting.

Whoa, there. I think JB's saying that Fox News is soaking people's brains into believing untruths. Believe it or not, I agree!

Occasionally, circumstances demand that we set aside congeniality and get right down to calling things by their rightful name. This seems like one of those occasions.

Uh huh. I'll bet those occasions are real rarities chez JB, too.

I’m not sure there has ever been more at stake than in this election, but atop the list is the impending extinction of truth.

Well, at least we finally have a Wing Nut concerned about the extinction of something!

Political correctness can sometimes serve the worth while purpose of setting an amenable tone for public discourse. But in case you hadn’t noticed, the current tone in America is anything but amenable. So political correctness has lost its luster, and it is no longer of any viable use.

Do you think JB really believes that political correctness used to have luster?

What I’m about to tell you is not something you don’t already know. It’s just stuff you have forgotten because nobody has been allowed to say it around here for a long time.

Whenever a Wing Nut writes a sentence like that, you know what's coming next is going to be good.

At one time, liberal was not a dirty word. But many of today’s liberals are better described by the term socialist, and though they seem to not care much for this term, it is no less appropriate.

Ah, yes, the old "liberals used to be honorable but now they're socialist traitors" meme. I wonder how JB would react if Democrats tried to bring back the WPA.

Here’s another term liberals bristle at, anti-American. This is also the correct term for the behavior I have been witnessing for some years, and that permeates the liberal movement today.

And if JB says it, you know it's truth.

I realize these terms seem harsh in a day when we are not supposed to call things by their rightful name. But sometimes, when we call evil by a more pleasant name, we overlook the fact that it is still evil.

Just like when we call a moron by a more pleasant name, we overlook the fact that he is still a moron.

Today’s liberals, today’s Democratic Party leadership, and the handful of billionaires supporting them, are in fact socialists and they are in fact anti-American.

Just in case you think that's an outrageous statement, JB backs it up with plenty of evidence.

America is the richest nation on earth as a direct result of our economic design. America not only produces more millionaires than any country in earth’s history, but everyone fortunate enough to call themselves American, enjoys a lifestyle second to none in the world.

So if you are anti-Capitalism, you are anti-American, because nothing is more American than good old fashion capitalism.

I thought nothing was more American than baseball and apple pie. Why does the revisionist JB hate America?

95% of Americans consider themselves to be spiritual, believing in a higher power, a greater good, a life beyond this life, and since the beginning of time, this bedrock belief has served our nation well.

It has since the beginning of time, eh? Next thing you know, JB's going to say our nation is 6,000 years old.

Further, America is predominantly a Christian nation, and because it is, even those who are non-believers enjoy blessings most in the world can’t imagine. Because our nation was built on the foundation of Judeo Christian values, we are all free to worship as we see fit, including not at all.

So if you are anti-religion, you are in fact anti-American. You must realize that there is a difference between being a non-believer, and being an antagonist, a difference between not subscribing to the belief, and belittling others who believe, or who freely express their belief.

Wouldn't this make anti-Americans of all those on the Right who belittle the beliefs of the evil secular humanists or socially liberal Christians?

So far this column has taught us that Fox News, JB, Pat Robertson, and Jerry Falwell are anti-American. I wonder who else fits that bill...

Thousands gave their lives, their futures, so that we might have the chance to live and grow in this, the greatest nation on earth. They gave everything, so that we might have something worth fighting for. No matter how high minded your intentions, if you are willing to trade this to be a small piece of any one world order, you are in fact un-American.

You want allies? You think this earth comprises more than America? Then you're un-American. Pretty much as simple as that.

There is no getting around the truth. The truth doesn’t have a side, it doesn’t belong to any particular political Party, it’s not subject to the eye of the beholder, or negotiable, it just is.

I can think of several truths that "just are" after reading this column.

Many liberals are not just liberal today, they are socialists, and they are un-American for all the reasons I stated and more. The DNC needs new leadership and they will continue to lose power until they get it.

The simple truth is, that’s how it should be!

Thanks, JB! You are a true piece of work.


Monday, September 20, 2004

The Wit and Wisdom of Tammy Wilhite

Our old friend Tamara Wilhite has an exciting new column that lists her best ideas for New Democratic Party Buttons. They're almost as fun as the Christian t-shirts so let's have a look. As is customary here, her words are in red (kind of like Christ's).

Lie about Sex. Lie about Bush. Hey, everybody does it!

Even Republicans!

Our Hillary is duff, too!

Uh...Our Tammy is Bruce?

Clinton. Get’s a lick, keeps on tricking.

Tammy. Get's an apostrophe, liable to stick it anywhere.

You’re working to hard! Come work for us!

I'm thinking that one doesn't apply to her editor.

No government too small.

Tammy, honey, you seem to be a little confused on this one.

Hi, my special interest group is __________

Let's look at Tammy's photo and see if we can figure it out:

Hi, my ethnic/religious/sexual/fringe group is ________

See photo above. I'll bet there are lots of ways she could fill in that blank.

I’m proud of my ethnic/religious/sexual/fringe group.

Tammy seems to be running out of ideas.

We’d rather have Rather, to beat on the Bush.

That one's almost poetic.

Hurricane Ivan! All Bush’s fault!

Mainly because he refuses to take responsibility for anything else. Well, except for the Iraqi soccer team.

Pets are people too. They deserve the right to vote.

Just ask Rick Santorum!

Be sure to tune in next time for another edition of Tammy Talk.


No Title Could Do Justice To These

I'm not even sure what to say about our newest addition to the blogroll. His name is Retardo, he's a big Paul Harvey fan, and he seems to have been repeatedly dropped on his head as a child.

In case you missed his latest masterpiece, it stars Sorrell Brooke (of Boss Hogg fame) as me and seems to be some sort of sit-com. It also has the audience applauding and laughing at Retardo himself.

Like that would ever happen in real life.

But he does manage to get a few things right from time to time - especially when he refers to our friend Seb as gnomic. Now if only he'd direct his Wilhite-like wit to Frederick, we could all be happy.

In vaguely related news, Frederick has an excellent piece about who's really behind "Rathergate". It's not as funny as Elementropy (thank heavens) but should be required reading.

Check 'em out.

Update: Retardo's perma-links don't seem to work (surprise surprise), so make sure you scroll down to his entry entitled I'll Sue Your Ass, Bitch!


Friday, September 17, 2004

A Short Announcement

Sorry for the lack of posting yesterday and today. Our proverbial dark window has been broken. Don't go far, though. The mocking will recommence shortly.

- The Management


Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Pastor Joe And The Wrath Of God

Our old friend Joseph Swank has a couple of new columns out and they're both real barn-burners. The first one is entitled "Kerry And Team: Do You Want The Nation To Slide Into Hell's Pocket?"

Elect a national leadership that desecrates the sacred while endorsing outright evil and you will watch a nation slide into hell’s deep caverns.

Give Pastor Swank ten bucks and a directory to his local shopping mall and you will watch him slide right into the nearest Glamour Shots:

Joseph Grant Swank, lookin' good!

After a quick stop at Cinnabon, Joe tells us how awful the wrath of God is and says "serious students" would never want to experience it.

Yet if John F. Kerry and Company get into the executive suites, this nation will be governed by those championing outright sin. Under Bill Clinton’s rule, it was more personal sin than national acceptance of sin. Clinton trespassed against the eternal laws and paid the price. If his sins go unrepented, he will close out his earthly sojourn in hell’s canyons.

He's moving to LA?

But to elect Kerry is to elect an individual who has informed the country ahead of time that he has no spiritual respect for the Blessed Sacrament. He has no holy sensitivity regarding the divine revelation set forth in Scripture. His wife appears to be in his same league.

Wait, Joe...The last time Kerry mentioned "sensitivity," the Wing Nuts shrieked for days. Make up your mind already! How about I buy you an Orange Julius? I think it might calm you down a little.

Those of like ilk will move into every power play throughout the country. They will dance in the streets in celebration of evil sitting in positions of authority locally, statewide and nationally. They will lord it over everyone adhering to a biblical ethic. They will slide the country into maximum immorality — a cascading that will be utterly unrighteous.

I can't even mock that. It's one of the greatest, weirdest, most surreal paragraphs I've ever read.

Anyway, that column just didn't satisfy, evidently, and Swank was back the very next day with yet another similarly-themed piece. This one is called "Kerry Crucifies Christ Afresh, Being Capable Of Any Evil."

How can US Senator John F. Kerry feel the sacramental wafer touch his tongue, knowing that by receiving that sacred element, he is crucifying Christ afresh? The same must be stated regarding his wife.

Look, Joe, I don't really want to know about Teresa and what she's doing with John's tongue. I mean I like Kerry and all but that's just kind of gross, you know?

Moving away from John's tongue, Swank goes on to discuss Kerry's "reprobate soul" and then offers this gem:

Considering this hardness of heart, can there then be any deed too evil for John F. Kerry to champion if elected to the chief office of the land? Kerry would stoop to any low to see through his own opportunistic evils. That is not far fetched when realizing that for months the world has witnessed his total disregard for the Christ sacrifice upon the dreaded tree. Anyone who can so slay the Savior repeatedly can rationalize any sin as being proper.

Repeatedly slaying the Savior? Sounds more like Mel Gibson than John Kerry.

No wonder the Scriptures speak of an age when right is called wrong and wrong is defined as right. That is surely the description of the American scene in too many places. But for that to be the milieu approved by the president should cause the sincere believer to quake in horror.

As should this column.

God help us!

Especially if Holy Joe keeps publishing these rants!


Cleanse Your Palate

After all the ugliness in today's other blog entry, I thought you might like a refreshing change of pace and so I'm directing your attention to a couple of delightful blogs that have nothing to do with Joe Swank.

(1) Regular reader and frequent commenter Sunnie has just started a fantastic new blog called Femme Fatal. Don't let the Fresno part fool you because Sunnie's really cool. Her latest hilarious offering is all about Focus on the Family and the joys of gay-bashing.

(2) Our second blog has one of the coolest names I've ever seen: The Infinite Stitch. Its owner, Dianna, claims the site is primarily about knitting. Thankfully, she appears to be lying because pretty much everything I see there is actually interesting. Be sure to check out her pieces about Jesus supporting tax cuts and the GOP pondering the effects of birth control.

Please go read.


Tuesday, September 14, 2004

God's Lack Of Faith In America

Jack Kinsella, Hal Lindsey's lovable sidekick and Oracle in Training (OiT), is back and he has an exciting new column in which he tries to figure out why America doesn't show up in the Bible's description of the End Times.

In the Bible's Big Picture scenario for the last days, there are four spheres of world power; Gog-Magog, the Kings of the East, the Kings of the South and the antichrist's revived Roman Empire. But there is no mention of a fifth, overarching superpower resembling the United States of America.

Why does God hate America? He's nearly as bad as the Leftist media!

Nobody can dogmatically say what happened to remove the US from the Big Picture -- it simply isn't there.

A person other than Jack or Hal might come to conclusion that a lot of the stuff Bible prophecy teachers throw around "simply isn't there" but we'll leave that discussion for another time.

One possible reason might be the Rapture of the Church.

Another possible reason might be rabid monkeys flying fighter jets and blowing up Washington, DC. That's the fun of this type of conjecture...You can say pretty much anything.

In this view, the Lord returns for His Church. The instantaneous disappearance of millions of Americans, together with most of the Bush Cabinet, the military leadership and at least part of the House and Senate would cripple America beyond recognition. Therefore, America is absent from Scripture because the Rapture made her inconsequential.

Well, if the Rapture means that God's going to take away all the Republicans, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on the idea.

Jack Kinsella, furiously awaiting the Rapture
(You can tell he knows what he's talking about because of that degree on the wall behind him.)

Personally, this is my favorite explanation, but only because I prefer it, not because I have any Scriptural reason to believe it.

Translation: "I'm really just making stuff up."

Which naturally leads him to quote from another guy who enjoys making stuff up:

Quoting once more from Senator Miller's speech: "Now, while young Americans are dying in the sands of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan, our nation is being torn apart and made weaker because of the Democrat's manic obsession to bring down our Commander in Chief."

Zell Miller and the Bible...Two windows onto God's plan for America.

It is just as possible that America hands its future over to the liberals who bear the responsibility for its international reputation as a dishonest, thieving, immoral paper tiger that so much of world now believes deserves to be destroyed.

So if John Kerry becomes President, America will not play a major role in End Times events, which is what Jack says is in the Bibly anyway. That can only mean one thing:

God wants us to vote for John Kerry!

You heard the news here first, ladies and gentlemen! Kerry gets the coveted Divine Endorsement. Now if only he can get an endorsement from Ric Flair, he'll be sitting pretty.


An Ominous Reminder

If you live in or near the San Francisco Bay Area, don't forget to come out to the DNA Lounge tonight (September 14th) for some Dark Window entertainment. As I mentioned last week, a couple of great bands will be performing, including Drop Black Sky. You may know Drop Black Sky's guitar player, Scott W., from his frequent (and lame) comments here.

Also playing will be the legendary Dark Wave band Black Tape For A Blue Girl. I saw them perform last evening at a little promo gig at Amoeba Records (this is their first tour since 1999) and you're not going to want to miss them; they sounded absolutely fantastic.

So if you'd like to hang out with some other liberal smart-ass Dark Window readers and enjoy some excellent and hauntingly beautiful music, come on out. The show starts at 9:15 at The DNA Lounge in San Francisco. Admission is $12 and it is, of course, 21+. As I mentioned before, the first Dark Window reader to show up gets a free Dark Window t-shirt! Wooooo!

Okay, come anyway because the music will be great and a fun time will be had by all.


Monday, September 13, 2004

Barack Obama: Dangerous Liar And Menace To Society

So says Hans Zeiger, one of America's brightest young lights. He has cleverly entitled his new column Does Alan hold the Keyes to Illinois?

If ever there was a political contest with the necessity of a bold projection of reality, this is it. If the citizens of Illinois are given the chance to see the real Alan Keyes, and the real Barack Obama, this will be the second most important political race of 2004.

So if they aren't given that chance, then it won't matter, right?

Only the presidential race will more consequential to the future direction of America.

The third most important political race already happened, of course, and Hans unfortunately lost.

The reality about Barack Obama is not that he is the dream-bound, honest visionary. Nor is he the fair-minded moderate the media tagged him as after his keynote speech at the Democratic National Convention. He's not a Bill Cosby or a Colin Powell.

After reading that last sentence, I can think of a lot of things Hans Zeiger isn't, too.

The real Barack Obama is a socialist, and he has spent his entire political career at war against the foundations of American ordered liberty. Obama's record in the Illinois state Senate is consistent; my accusation in the previous sentence is backed by absolute and incontrovertible evidence.

Unfortunately, Hans is too busy to tell us what that "incontrovertible evidence" is. I'm guessing it mainly consists of the fact that Alan Keyes called him one.

While Obama is anti-war and anti-Second Amendment, radical environmental groups and left-wing social issues groups give him perfect voting-record scores.

So what does all this caring about our planet and poor people tell Hans?

Barack Obama is one of the most dangerous men in America.

If you see this man, dear readers, make sure you hide your children.

And so Illinois's Senate race is national this year. It is national in terms of the issues, the candidates, and the consequences.

It is national because the Republicans couldn't find a single candidate in the entire state of Illinois to run.

Pundits preface Keyes' name with "carpetbagger" at every chance they get, but his presence in the race is important for liberty-loving people from coast to coast, not just in the Land of Lincoln. That's in part because the Democrats have built Barack Obama into their national spokesman, and Obama must be countered with another man of national renown and the ability to counter his deceptive rhetoric.

Uh...Ric Flair?

That man being Keyes, we have one of the greater contests of our age in the works. Until Keyes opposed Obama, it was suggested that Obama was the most eloquent man in America. But Keyes makes Obama second place in that distinction.

The candidates are also both known for an excellent natural sense of rhythm and for being really good at basketball. Check back next time when Hans will explore these and other fine points.


Picking Some New Fights

It's time for some overdue introductions here at the Dark Window and I'd like to direct your attention to the newest additions to our blogroll.

(1) In order to prove that there's more to Austin than hilarious captions and funny slogans, I'm adding the very cool Mouse Words to the list. Amanda, Ms. Mouse herself, shares my love of punk rock and chicks who leak blue fluid.

(2) Next up we have the Liberal Oasis. A lesser man than I might be too bitter to add it to his blogroll - especially if the only time he had been mentioned there had been under the name "Sadly, No." Okay, maybe that lesser man wouldn't be bitter because "Sadly, No" is actually the name of his website but it's not the name of mine and I...uh, sorry, got a little carried away, I guess. Anyway, all righteous indignation aside, the Liberal Oasis is a damn good website and an excellent source of up-to-the-minute information and analysis so make sure you check it out.

(3) Next, we have the blogosphere's latest foray into reality programming with a delightful blog called Corrente. This crazy experiment has six attractive young adults being forced to live together in one small blog and follows their madcap antics and ruminations about the modern political scene. You have all the standard reality series players, too: the country yokel (the farmer), the 24-hour party person (Xan), the jock (Lambert), the quiet scary guy (Tom), the not-so-ambiguously gay one (Tresy), and the hot chick (Leah). You can follow all their crazy adventures here.

(4) For our final addition, I'm selling out and linking to one of those giant blogs you always read about in places like the Wall Street Journal or Modern Underwear. I speak, of course, of the sinister TBogg. But when he's not trying to intimidate my readers in order to maintain his unaccountably large market share, he's actually pretty funny. And in spite of his brief entries (a true sign of intellectual laziness), he shares my love of Christian TV mogul Paul Crouch. So if nothing else, maybe you could stop by and antagonize him from time to time.

In addition to welcoming all these new blogs (and in spite of pathetic comments from marginally-famous writers claiming that we don't post frequently enough), we here at the Dark Window have been working on several crazy new schemes, including a future guest-blogging appearance by legendary World Net Daily columnist Vox Day. Trust me...You're not going to want to miss that one. We'll also be announcing some major new changes to the Dark Window very soon so don't go far.

Now please go say hi to all our new friends. And TBogg, too.


Friday, September 10, 2004

"Clinton A Big Loser Without Ross Perot"

That's what Gordon Bishop is saying in his latest column. Never let it be said that the Wing Nuts aren't timely. But as long as you ignore the fact that he's about eight years behind everybody else, Gordon starts it off with something of a bang:

America never would have heard of Bill Clinton without billionaire Ross Perot running for the Presidency as an Independent in 1992 and 1996.

Well, as long as you overlook that fact that he was, you know, the Democratic nominee for President of the United States.

And America never would have heard of Ross Perot if it were not for CNN liberal talk show host Larry King. It was King who begged Perot to run for President several time on his then popular show.

Because before he went on Larry's show, Ross Perot was a shy, wilting flower who shunned any attempt at publicity.

King has since been replaced as the “King of TV Talk” by Fox News Channel superstar Bill O’Reilly. The Fox News Channel now represents the “real” folks of America – not CNN or the other liberal TV channels: ABC, CBS, NBC and their cable affiliates.

Wow. If Fox News represents the "real" America then perhaps I really am un-American!

America is no longer a Constitutional Republic governed by the people, for the people and of the people.

Is Gordon calling George W. Bush a dictator?

Just look at the way Clinton was elected.

By the laws and Constitution of the United States? Sounds pretty evil to me.

Clinton did not get the majority of votes in 1992 and 1996. Yet he still beat the senior George Bush in 1992 with a weak “minority” victory of 42.9 percent of the vote.

Gordon seems to be saying that Clinton was illegitimate because he had less than an absolute majority. Or maybe because a third party candidate siphoned off votes from the other guy.

Do you think he's ever heard of George W. Bush?

All this talk of Clinton's legitimacy is especially funny in light of one of Seb's most recent blog entries. Gordon seems to be really far behind in his Wing Nuttisms.

Same with Clinton Vs. Bob Dole. Perot pulled enough votes away from Dole for Clinton to win by barely 49 percent – less than half of the voting electorate.

Maybe I'm just dumber than a Wing Nut here but even without Ross Perot in the equation, it looks to me as if Clinton still would have gotten more votes than Bob Dole in 1996.

Perhaps it would be helpful if we added them up to see for ourselves.

Bill Clinton won the election with 47,402,357 popular votes - that's 49.24% of votes cast.

Bob Dole got 39,198,755 popular votes - 40.71%.

Ross Perot came in third with 8,085,402 popular votes - that's 8.40%.

Now I'm going to do a crazy thing here. I'm going to add up Bob Dole's popular votes and Ross Perot's popular votes to find out what the heck Gordon's talking about. Let's see here...5 goes into 2...carry the one...okay, got it. If you add all the votes Dole got with all the votes Perot got, you come up with 47,284,157 votes. Now glance up there and see how many votes Clinton got.


So when you think about it, Gordon, Larry King actually saved our country in 1996. Because at least some of those people who voted for Ross Perot (even if a relatively small percentage) would certainly have voted Democratic. Therefore, if Perot hadn't run, it is most probable that the evil Klinton would have gotten his absolute majority (and dreaded mandate).

For eight years, Clinton occupied the White House (turning it into a Whore House), with less than a majority vote.

We can only hope America has come to its senses and won't do the same with Bush. I think that's what Gordon's saying, anyway.

Clinton trashed the Democrat Party and rode to a hollow victory on President Ronald Reagan’s successful economic engine, which created the strongest economy of the 20th Century.

Without Reagan, there would be no “Clinton economy.” Reagan appointed Alan Greenspan as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and Clinton kept Greenspan to continue the Reagan economic legacy throughout the ‘90s.

Therefore any good thing that happened during Clinton's Presidency is directly attributable to Reagan (via Alan Greenspan) but anything bad is still, well, Clinton's fault.

Historically, Clinton will be known as the “false President” who wrecked the Democrat party with the wretched “scorched earth policy” of his wacky campaign manager, James Carville. “Scorched earth” meant the absolute destruction of the Republican Party.

I kind of like that...the "false President."

It didn’t work. Republican congressman and political genius Newt Gingrich took control of the House of Representatives with his “Contract With America.”

Today, thanks to Newt, the Republicans controlled Congress – and the White House.

But what about all those times Newt went on Larry King Live?

As for Clinton-Carville-Perot? – what a bunch of corrupt losers!

It's no wonder Gordon has his own column. That's some damn good analysis.

That’s what happened in the 1990s with the Clinton gang. But Americans won’t ever see these facts and analysis in the New York Times and the liberal mainstream media because they endorsed the Clinton presidency.

It's more likely that we won't see these "facts and analysis" in the New York Times because they aren't true.

The corrupt liberal-socialist-Marxist-Communists took over the Democrat Party under Clinton-Gore and now represented by Senator John Kerry, the man who calls himself both the “war hero” of Vietnam and the “war hero” of the “hero” of the anti-Vietnam War movement, a delusional liar loved by the terrorists and communists. Yes, they want to see Kerry as the next President of the United States.

You know, I'm pretty sure John Kerry has never called himself the "war hero" of the "hero" of the anti-Vietnam War movement. But then I get my news from treasonous sources like the New York Times so what do I know?

Kerry should run for President in France, Germany, Russia (the old Soviet Union) and other European socialist nations, where his socialist philosophy is welcomed.

Likewise, Gordon should write his columns on Mars where his ideas will be better understood.

America is a Constitutional Republic (“Rule of Law”).

Wait...Didn't Gordon just say America is no longer a Constitutional Republic? (He did. I just checked.) Flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop!

Democrats have destroyed the word “Democracy,” which is actually anarchy. The Democrat party’s “Democracy” leads to anarchy, which is “mob rule.”

So if they've destroyed the word "Democracy," which is actually anarchy, then they've actually created a stable government, which is really "mob rule." Hmmm. Gordon must be a lot smarter than I am because trying to understand his reasoning is giving me a headache.

The reason Bush is leading Kerry in double-digit numbers (51 to 53 percent compared to Kerry at 41-42 percent approval) is because of those who support Kerry – the socialist-communist anarchists led by psychotic filmmaker Michael Moore, a psychopathic group that hates America and everything that is American, including faith, religion and God.

Faith, religion, and God, eh? Wow...Democrats really are evil!

Kerry ought to pack up his gang of misfits and move to a socialist or communist country that is bent on destroying America, the land of liberty, freedom and opportunity.

Perhaps Gordon should start an advice column. It'd be a shame to let wisdom like that go to waste.

Congress and the President should kick the UN out of America and let its socialist-communist allies find a new location in France, Germany or Russia, al of which stole some $67 billion from the Iraq “Oil-to-Food” program establshed for Iraq’s starving masses.

Once the real Americans see what’s going on with the Democrat party, Kerry and the United Nations, then the USA can resurrect our great Constitutional Republic, free of the anarchistic cancer attacking our once functional society.

God Bless America!

You know, if this is God's idea of a good column, then I'm going to confess that I'm glad to be an agnostic.


Thursday, September 09, 2004

Who Would Jesus Vote For?

Alan Keyes!

Well, that's what Alan's saying anyway (Hooray for Alan!). And that's quite an endorsement, coming from the Savior of humankind and all.

Here's the latest news from NBC5 in Chicago:

Illinois Republican U.S. Senate candidate Alan Keyes injected religion into his race against Democratic candidate Barack Obama on Tuesday.

You don't say.

According to a list of quotes put out by the Democratic candidate, Keyes said in a radio interview at the Republican National Convention that Jesus would not vote for Obama.

Evidently Jesus and Principled Alan had been enjoying a Jamba Juice when the King of Kings turned to Alan and said, "You know, I'd never vote for that lying socialist bastard Osama or Obama or whatever the heck his name is."

The quote was part of a list Obama sent reporters of Keyes' accusations and epithets about him since Keyes became a candidate, NBC5 political editor Dick Kay said.

Kay also reported that Keyes called Obama a "socialist and a liar" on a cable access news show on Monday.

Cable access sounds about right, to tell you the truth.

Alan Keyes, God's Choice To Lead Illinois

Obama said he wants to win big to give Keyes a spanking because Keyes wages a scorched earth campaign. Keyes then went into a very long analysis of the word "spanking" and suggested it might be related to slavery and insulting to African- Americans. He would not answer when asked directly if he was insulted.

Frankly, I'm a little bit disturbed that Obama mentioned wanting to give Keyes a spanking, too, but for entirely different reasons.

Apparently, though, Principled Alan's statement was somewhat controversial and he explained thusly:

"Christ would not stand idly by while an infant child in that situation died," Keyes said. "And I'm not the only person, obviously, who thinks if you are a representative of me, I cannot vote for you if you would ignore the dignity and claims of that child's life. So, yes, I did respond quite logically -- you'll see it's quite logical, right -- with the conclusion that Christ would not vote for Barack Obama, because Barack Obama has voted to behave in a way that it is inconceivable for Christ to have behaved."

On the other hand, we can now say with a fair degree of certainty that Christ loves media-seeking opportunists who abandon any pretense of principles at the first sign of national attention.

Keyes, who will be greatly outspent, relies on free media in his campaign against Obama, Kay reported. As a result, he frequently calls news conferences to respond to responses. First, he criticizes Obama. When Obama responds, Keyes calls a news conference to respond, which is what he did on Tuesday.

That's what sets the Dark Window apart, ladies and gentlemen. We'll criticize Alan Keyes whether he responds or not.

In other related news, Mary Mostert, a regular contributor to Alan's website, heard about an interview Mr. Keyes gave at the Republican Convention and she was quite impressed. She just wrote a column that basically recaps a lengthy exchange between an interviewer and Alan Keyes at the Convention and says that what Keyes told the man should be "required reading in every sex education class in the country."

Mary Mostert, Sex Expert

Was Alan getting all steamy and erotic? You be the judge:

Alan Keyes: “No, the point of the matter is that marriage, as an institution, involves procreation. It is in principle impossible for homosexuals to procreate. Therefore, they cannot marry. It is a simple logical syllogism, and one can wish all one might, but pigs don’t fly and we can’t change the course of nature.”

Mike Signorile: "Well, one can wish that Bob and Liddy Dole would have a child, but that’s just impossible. Pigs can’t fly.

Alan Keyes: No, I’m sorry, that is incidental. In point of fact, Bob and Liddy Dole can have children. They incidentally face problems that prevent them from doing so. In principle..."


Mike Signorile: “Don’t homosexuals incidentally face problems too?”

Alan Keyes: “No, you don’t understand the difference between incident and essence.

Sounds like Alan's been watching Dr. Strangelove again. But instead of implying that he's insane, let's allow him to continue with his talk of essences and such:

Homosexuals are essentially incapable of procreation. They cannot mate. They are not made to do so.

Is Alan saying that homosexuals are "made?" Seems like quite an admission.

Therefore the idea of marriage for two such individuals is an absurdity.”

Mike Signorile: “But one or the other in the couple can procreate. The men can donate their sperm, the women can have babies.

Alan Keyes: “The definition and understanding of marriage is “the two become one flesh.” In the child, the two transcend their persons and unite together to become a new individual. That can only be done through procreation and conception. It cannot be done by homosexuals.

Mike Signorile: But what about a heterosexual couple who cannot bear children and then adopt? They are not becoming one as flesh, they are taking someone else’s flesh.

Alan Keyes: “And they are adopting the paradigm of family life. But the essence of that family life remains procreation. If we embrace homosexuality as a proper basis for marriage, we are saying that it is possible to have a marriage state that in principle excludes procreation and is based simply on the premise of selfish hedonism. This is unacceptable.”

Indeed! If we were to start allowing marriages based on love or shared responsibility, this nation would go straight to hell. If you're not getting married as a representation of the paradigm of family life then you're not really getting married, you stupid liberals!

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE]: Do you really believe that, that Mary Cheney . . .

Alan Keyes: “By definition, a homosexual engages in the exchange of mutual pleasure. I actually object to the notion that we call it sexual relations because it’s nothing of the kind.

Alan prefers to call it "hide the sausage."


Alan Keyes: “It is the mutual pursuit of pleasure through the stimulation of the organs intended for procreation, but it has nothing to do with sexuality because they are of the same sex. And with respect to them, the sexual difference does not exist. They are therefore not having sexual relations.

Well, hell...If they're not having sexual relations, what's all the danged fuss about? And since "stimulation of the organs intended for procreation" without actually procreating has nothing to do with sexuality, then why were all the Wing Nuts still so upset about Clinton?

Anyway, I'll let Mary Mostert have the last word:

Keyes’ sex education lesson to a confused homosexual ought to be required reading in every sex education class in the country. It might begin scaling back the flood of misery, disease and early death that await those who chose to get involved in homosexual and lesbian life styles.

As our dear friend Seb might say, "We can't add anything to that!" (by the way, WCAATT is apparently a registered trademark of, well, me!)

So make sure you vote with Jesus this November, dear readers! Don't forget that a vote for Obama is a vote for Satan. And while you're at it, stop looking at all that porn. You should be getting everything you need from Alan!


Embrace The Dark Side

So my dear friend Scott W. called me this evening and berated me for not having a blog entry up on Wednesday. I tried to explain that Blogger was broken and that even big-time blogs like Jesus' General and Elementropy were unable to post entries.

"I don't care about that!" he shouted. "I'm a rock star!"

And so with those words still ringing in my ears, I would like to invite all of you living in or near the San Francisco Bay Area to come hang out with the Rock Star and me when his band, Drop Black Sky, performs this Tuesday night (September 14th) at the DNA Lounge in the City. He will once again be wearing the world's only Dark Window t-shirt to wow the crowd but we can mock him anyway.

Performing with Drop Black Sky is one of my all-time favorite bands, the legendary Black Tape For A Blue Girl. If you don't already know their dark and hauntingly beautiful music, then you're a loser and probably enjoy reading uncool blogs.

Anyway, I encourage all of you to eschew the Clear Channel garbage that's constantly assaulting our good senses and come out to support the underground music scene. This excellent show starts at 9:30 at The DNA Lounge in San Francisco. In a pathetic attempt to bring out the more ghoulish readers among you, I will buy the first person to show up the world's second Dark Window t-shirt or a drink - your choice (I'd recommend going with the drink).

So come hang out with your fellow Dark Window readers this Tuesday and enjoy the dark elegance emanating from the DNA Lounge.

Elysabeth, Black Tape for a Blue Girl


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Master Lucom Mails It In

The Dark Window's favorite Wing Nut has a new column out and it's a short one. Well, his portion of it is anyway. It seems that Wilson Lucom is mad about Cuba this week and wrote about 1/3 of a column comparing the wages there with the wages in the United States. After comparing average daily, weekly, and monthly wages between the two nations, he wrote:

The Cuban working person’s human rights are grossly violated, but no one talks about these violations.

One begins to wonder if Lucom's been living under a rock. Of course that might explain a lot.

It is time the world and its media started taking notice and talking about the huge differences to the working person between living under capitalism and living under socialism.

Ah, that's our Lucom, railing against the media for not dedicating the nightly newscasts to the benefits of capitalism.

Cuba is only 90 miles from the United States and could enjoy almost similar wages, but the egomaniac Castro, for his own self-aggrandizement, has kept 11 million Cuban people in virtual poverty for 30 years. He was not elected by popular vote;

Not elected by popular vote? Hmmmmm...

Fortunately, Lucom has a solution to the economic plight of the Cuban worker. A really good solution. Talking about Castro, he says:

he should now hold free elections with a socialist candidate (not Castro) and a capitalist candidate and let the people decide which system they wanted to work for and live under.

The Dark Window actually thinks that's a splendid idea. And as soon as Castro agrees to it, we're going to ask President Bush (also "not elected by popular vote") to hold free elections with a human being (not himself) and a dancing robot and let the people decide which system they wanted to work for and live under.

And I've got to be honest...we at the Dark Window are kind of leaning towards the dancing robot.

Wilson C. Lucom, A Man With A Plan

After his brilliant plan to save Cuba's economy, Lucom cuts out early and finishes his column by reprinting an article from Investor's Business Daily that he says "best sums up the comparison." And so the lion's share of Lucom's latest masterpiece, actually a column by W. Michael Cox, talks about the idea that because Cubans don't have good capitalist incentives (they have "perverse socialist incentives" instead), they unfortunately spend much of their time involved in things like becoming excellent singers, dancers, or musicians.

In short, they've become connoisseurs of leisure – and they've done it despite the fact that Cuba's state-run economy doesn't provide the kind of recreational cornucopia found in America.

There are no multiplex movie theaters, amusement parks or shopping malls. Cubans indulge in what's available – music, dance, art, sports and games, becoming quite good at them.

I'm certainly not here to defend Cuba's economy by any stretch of the imagination but I find it so fascinating that the things the Wing Nuts hold most dear are the giant corporate things we're supposed to spend money on. The official religion of the Right may tell them that we're just passing through this world but their unofficial one leads them to put so much of their effort into promoting the godliness of capitalism and short-term gratification through massive spending, corporate blitz marketing and advertising, and tremendous accumulation of wealth.

A rich variety of entertainment and activities compete for Americans' work time – movies, sports, concerts, television, video games, hobbies, shopping and so much more. Is there any wonder why few Americans have learned to sing, dance or strum a guitar as well as the Cubans?

Yeah, who needs the arts when you've got television, video games and shopping? Besides, the arts are just for liberals and Euro-sissies anyway.

Some Americans might regard singing and dancing through life as preferable to the workaday world of rush projects and bulging e-mailboxes.

Yes, but only traitorous anti-God wannabe Frenchmen. True patriots realize that the meaning of life is only found in consumption and non-stop work.

They should remember that Cubans endure harsh living standards, a trade-off few Americans would make for added free time.

Take that, you stupid Frenchies! Free time sucks! USA! USA! USA!

Now get out to the mall, you Wing Nuts, and praise Jesus and George W. Bush by spending some money!

Thus concludes another excellent Lucom column, this time with 66% less Lucom.


Monday, September 06, 2004

Elementropy, My Dear Sebly

The Dark Window's new best friend, a certain Retardo, has written what may very well be our favorite blog entry of all-time. Not only are Seb and Amber Pawlik gleefully maligned, but we (okay, I) are finally captured in all our glory.

I'd been wondering about the identity of the rakishly handsome fellow with the copy of Pale Fire in his hand who dropped by while I was guest-blogging over at Seb's. Turns out he was the guy who wrote this:

Throughout the summer, I occasionally walked, as it were, across the street, like the good neighbour that I am, to knock on his door, offer some poisoned delicious fruitcake, and engage in witty repartee with his illustriousness as well as his vivacious girlfriend, with an aim of a torrid menage a' trois further enlightening myself, politically.

To no avail. Each time I rang, a shifty-eyed tweaker would peer through the blinds, and if I persisted in ringing, would eventually answer the door, only to gruffly send me on my way.

At last I had had enough of this ill treatment, and the next time I was in such a circumstance, demanded of this rude person the truth about my friend.

I said to him, "Do you mean, sir, that you have no knowledge of a Mr. Sebly F. No, who, I assure you, lived in this very house?"

And at last, perhaps jarred to attention by my persistence (he had seemed terribly distracted on all occasions), he seemed to focus, and replied, "Uhh wait, was he a great big fat person?"

Go and read.


Friday, September 03, 2004

"To All You Liberals Out There"

Edward L. Daley has a message for you. And given last night's Convention speech, it's a very timely message, too. It's all about how George W. Bush actually demonstrated heroism in staying to read My Pet Goat after learning of the terrorist attack on the morning of September 11th.

Over the past few weeks, you folks have been trumpeting a charge directed at George W. Bush that he spent seven whole minutes continuing to read a story to a group of children on September 11, 2001, after he'd heard about that second plane crashing into the south tower of the World Trade Center.

Yep. Guilty.

Does it matter that, at the time, there was nothing he could have done about the attacks?

Are you insane, Ed?

Of course it doesn't. No, that swine Bush actually continued reading instead of leaping into action like Superman and single-handedly saving our nation from imminent peril! Why, he should have been impeached that second... right?

Ed is what we in the business call a "master of sarcasm."

Well guys and gals, it's time to slide down the big bright beam of light from that magical spacecraft you're on, back down to planet earth for just a moment. The mother ship will be waiting for you after I'm finished commenting, I promise.

While we're talking about space aliens, I want to show you the photo of Ed that accompanies his article at GOP USA:

Edward L. Daley

Supermarket tabloid artist's rendition of a Venusian sent to infiltrate humanity or ordinary Wing Nut columnist? You decide.

You see, as much as you may hate to admit it, President Bush wasn't derelict in his duty on that fateful day in September nearly three years ago. As a matter of fact, he was actually fulfilling his duty when those vicious terrorists attacked us, and his reaction upon hearing the initial news was to remain calm and await further information.

I'm kind of surprised the President didn't hit that very high point in his coronation speech last night. Just think how regal it would have sounded: "On that terrible morning, my first reaction was to remain calm and await further information, thus fulfilling my sacred duty."

He continued reading to those young people because there was no reason for him to immediately stop doing what he was there to do. Behaving like some panicky housewife with a mouse under her chair would have accomplished nothing except to frighten those kids unnecessarily, and rattle everyone else around him.

Sure thing, Ed. Finding out that the nation was under attack was certainly no cause for the President to stop reading My Pet Goat.

Now, you may not believe that visiting a school is a very important thing for the president to be doing in the first place, but I can think of a lot worse things he could have been up to at the time.

Right. Because mean-spirited and immoral Democrats the world over have been bashing the President for having the temerity to visit a school that morning.

Ed seems to have eaten red herring for lunch.

While we're discussing Ed's excellent grasp of important world events, we should probably take a moment to mention the fact that he owns and runs The Daley Times-Post, his very own news site. And it's not just a news site. No, it's also a misguided homage to the painfully funny Norbizness (see section entitled "Picture Fun").

But let's get back to Ed's column.

After all, he could have been cheating on his wife with some bubble-headed bimbo, but he wasn't. He could have been testifying before a court of law about a sexual harassment complaint lodged against him, and committing perjury, but he wasn't. He could have been embarrassing this country in any number of ways, but he wasn't. No, he was simply reading a story to some little kids, and he continued to do so even under tremendously difficult circumstances. That's called maintaining one's composure.

No, Ed. That's actually called being paralyzed by indecision. Nice try, though.

Hmmmm...Now that I think about it, it really wasn't that nice of a try.

Indeed, that may not matter to people like yourselves when you think about what makes a person presidential, but ask yourself this, is the way George Bush reacted in that classroom on 9/11 less or more presidential than saying that war crimes committed by U.S. soldiers in Vietnam were the rule and not the exception? That's what John Kerry did in 1971... and, just in case you didn't know it, that contention wasn't true.

You know, if you take that last sentence by itself, Ed's actually right.

At this point, Ed decides to regurgitate a story about the 1972 Olympics he heard Rudy Giuliani tell during his Convention speech on Monday night. If you're wondering what the hell that has to do with My Pet Goat, don't worry...Ed's about to explain.

But what's all this stuff about the Olympics got to do with what President Bush was doing on September 11 you ask? Well, nothing really, I just wanted to illustrate a point, which is that what you wish was the truth and what actually IS the truth are two different things.

When I was eight, my dad took me to see Nature Boy Ric Flair fight the Great Kabuki. What does that have to do with Ed's column, you ask? Well, nothing really, I just wanted to illustrate how moronic it is.

Tell me, can you see the difference between Kerry's version of certain events surrounding the Vietnam War and Giuliani's version of the terrorist events which took place during the Olympics in Germany?

Uh...One was about terrorism at the Olympics and the other was about Vietnam?

Here's a clue, one version was fiction and one was R-E-A-L-I-T-Y.

Damn. I always miss those.

Be that as it may, I hope you are now able to appreciate that some of the things you've been told are true, really aren't, and that other things you don't believe, are true no matter how much you may wish they weren't... like the fact that George Bush reacted exactly as he should have on 9/11, with calmness and equanimity.

The new Republican Platform, ladies and gentlemen, and you heard it here first. If the nation is attacked by terrorists again, they promise to remain calm, maybe catch up on their reading, and await further information.

Now, I don't want to detain you any longer, I know you have a long trip ahead of you back to whatever fantasy world you're currently living on. Just do me one little favor before you go. The next time you decide to come back and visit us earthlings, try to keep what I've written above in mind... especially if you intend to vote here.

You know what, Ed? I think I may just do that.

I thank you for your time, and don't forget to say hi to Michael Moore for me.

Sure. Right after I finish reading My Pet Goat. Not only is it a good story...It's also the right thing to do.


Thursday, September 02, 2004

It's A Grand Slam!

That's what our old friend Debbie Daniel thinks of the Republican Convention so far. And especially that dreamy Rudy Giuliani. She has an orgasmic new column up at GOP USA that's all about how Rudy got the blood rushing to different parts of her body. As you might expect, it starts with something of a bang.

Giuliani knocked it out of the park! It's going . . . going . . . GONE! That ball was out of there!

I don't know when I've been so exhilarated. I needed to sit down and be quiet for at least five minutes just to catch my breath.

Sounds like a lot of prancing has been going on in the Daniel household during the Republican Convention so far. And, uh, some other stuff, too:

If Rudy Giuliani didn't get the blood rushing through your veins . . . you better check into the local morgue. As I sat and watched the Republican National Convention, I was rocking so fast in my chair, I didn't think I could get the rocker to stop when the speech ended. I was like a race horse needing one more lap around the track to slow my heart rate down, or I would surely die.

You know, I'll bet Seb's wife would really like to get her hands on a copy of Rudy's speech, too.

Debbie Daniel: If her chair's rockin', don't come knockin'.

I know I saw the spirit of Winston Churchill move across that great auditorium at Madison Square Gardens waving his "V" signs for Victory. And right behind him was the great Ronald Reagan with his signature "thumbs up" . . . Oh, what a presence of greatness emanating to every ear that could hear and to every eye that could see the former Mayor of New York hit a homerun for George W. Bush!

Debbie saw the giant ghost of a dead British Prime Minister being followed around by Ronald Reagan giving him a "thumbs up." That can only mean one thing...

Rush is trying to unload his inventory!

I just never knew he could hit so well. His finesse, his grace, his tone, his charm, his laughter, his self-deprecation . . . he brought it all home.

Oh, yeah, baby! Bring it home!

But don't think Rudy's the only part of the convention that's been getting Debbie off so far.

It was wonderful to watch the "Great White Shark" - Michael Moore - have his "in your face" presence at the Republican National Convention spurned for everyone to see. Oh, what a feeling! It did my heart good!

Yes, ladies...Watching Michael Moore get booed is even more fun than the Hitachi Magic Wand!

If you want to see the character of the candidate, look at the character of the protesters. Those are the 1971 John Kerrys out there on the streets of New York - that's who he was and that's who he still is.

We're already hearing of protesters punching people in the face and accosting them with foul language. Is it any wonder we call them the party of DONKEYS?

Anarchists, Democrats...All pretty much the same thing.

Well, the one thing that makes me proud to be a conservative is that we don't have to march up and down the streets screaming obscenities, taking off our clothes, physically assaulting people, or barricading hotel entrances to make our voices heard.

Well, we can at least be thankful that Debbie isn't taking off her clothes.

That's what the ballot box is for. We know first hand from the last national election that they didn't know what a ballot box was; they certainly didn't know how to use one. Republicans don't leave "chads" hanging . . . they are very clear about their choice.

Republicans? Choice? I think maybe Debbie's watching the wrong convention.

Isn't it strange that the protesters were put in cages at the Democrat Convention, but the protesters at this Republican Convention are allowed to spit, taunt, jeer, punch people in the head, and given the freedom to stand stark naked like idiots in the middle of Manhattan to show how peaceful they are? What a stark contrast!

Somebody's definitely "stark" here but I think I might choose to end that phrase with "raving mad."

Doesn't anyone see this picture? John Kerry can stifle the free speech at his convention, but George Bush lets you march right up to the front door.

Maybe people who are really really high see that picture, Debbie. I doubt anybody else does, though.

You might want to re-think who's looking out for your freedom.

I hear music in the air!

And voices in your head!

I don't even want to think about what must have happened when Debbie watched Zell Miller's speech.


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