- Name: Pete M.
- Location: Oakland, CA
- Thrilling Days of Yesteryear
- Jesus' General
- Public Domain Progress
- Bartholomew's Notes
- Uncle Horn Head
- Vox Day
- Nothing New Under The Sun
- No More Mister Nice Blog
- Liberal Oasis
- Mouse Words
- Femme Fatal
- The Infinite Stitch
- Roger Ailes
Prepare to be horrified...
Friday, August 20, 2004
World O'Tribute: S.Z. Turns One
August 20th, 2003: Exactly one year ago today. It was a day that started like any other day. The sun rose, Rush Limbaugh popped a few pills, and Wing Nuts all over the country shrieked. Yet this day turned out to be far from ordinary.
Had you been wandering around Salon.com and decided to look at the new blogs, you might have clicked on one that seemed, well, not quite like the others.
Here's the first thing you would have seen:
And beneath that these now-immortal words appeared:
Why You Should Read My Blog: It Will Serve You Coffee
And so began what we now know as the single-greatest (and funniest) blog on earth: World O'Crap.
Fortunately, the lovely and multi-talented writer who penned those words listed some reasons why the non-coffee-drinkers among us might want to read it as well.
“Here's why: because my blog is going to be about things we can all relate to. You know, cheesy movies, annoying politicans, weird advertising, Ann Coulter.
Sure. Who can't relate to Ann Coulter? Oh, wait. There's more.
And MORE!. Yes, all the mediocre, uninspired, muddle-headed, and just plain wrong stuff from this millennium and the previous one will be our playing field. And I, the Blogger With No Name who just road into town this weak with the naive and misguided impression I can clean up the town, will be your tour guide.”
Thank Heavens Frederick wasn't around yet because the spelling in that last sentence may very well have killed him.
Anyway, after what can only be called a misguided early attempt to become the Lileks of the Left, the blogger now known as S.Z. soon began to find her own delightful voice (as well as a strange new blog template). Here's one of her earliest offerings:
It seems that this guy Rob Moore is just not going to get his rock out of the rotunda--at least, not until the media stops covering this story.
Fortunately, S.Z. had a plan. And a lofty plan it was.
And while there have been a lot of people interviewed about the situation (Rob, his supporters, the Alabama State Attorney General, the ACLU, Jerry Falwell, etc.), it seems that nobody has talked to perhaps the key player in all of this: God.
Apparently she hadn't yet heard of Pat Robertson. Apparently she also hadn't heard that Rob's name is actually Roy. But I guess that's beside the point.
So, I got in touch with God's press secretary and managed to set up a short lunch meeting. Here's a transcript of our conversation:
And as you've probably already learned, those voices in S.Z.'s head tend to be pretty dang funny.
Me: Thanks for agreeing to talk with me.
God: No problem. I meet so few reporters these days that I felt it was my duty.
Me: Hey, was that a slam?!? But let's move on. As you know . . .
God: Yes. I'm omniscient.
I'll just let that one sink in for a moment.
After a few days of discussing Rush Limbaugh and Judge Roy Moore with God, S.Z. began to branch out from the small realm of metaphysics and politics and began to explore a larger world. Yes, she began to cook actual "regrettable" recipes from America's golden age.
I never thought it would come to this, but World O' Crap readers (and consequently, my new best friends) Cowboy K. and A. Steele have dared me to actually prepare "Sea Dream Salad," so I guess I'll have to (our national security is at stake, you know). So, I'll stock up on lime Jell-O, cucumbers, cayenne pepper, and various forms of marine life, and will endeavor to make the dish later this week. Unless Homeland Security downgrades the Code Lime Green, of course.
Ah, yes, lime green alerts. Those really were innocent times, weren't they? But Cowboy K. and A. Steele? Obviously made-up names. Well, made-up porn names. Not hard to figure out where S.Z. was finding her inspiration during those early days, is it? I believe you'll find that her obsession with porn and male genitalia only deepened as time went on. So please, by all means, keep reading.
Several days (and Bill O'Reillys) later, S.Z. made good on her promise and cooked up a lime green wonder.
But how did it taste, you ask? Well, um, okay, actually. I've been a little queasy ever since I heard the news about Bill O'Reilly being JLo, so I wasn't sure I dared sample the disgusting-looking goop, but I did it, just for you, and discovered it was was pretty good (or maybe that's just the delirium talking). I put some mayonnaise on the cucumbers, and the combination of tangy/sweet Jell-O, crunchy cukes, creamy mayonnaise, and mildly salty alleged shrimp was surprisingly satisfying. I recommend you try a Jello recipe featuring meat, vegetables, and vinegar today!
Sure thing, S.Z.
So how did she manage to top the cooking segments? Well, as her comfort behind the keys grew, so did her power. She seems to have first noticed this newfound influence on September 14th.
In the early hours of 8 September I used a quote from a Warren Zevon song; later that day, his death was announced. On 11 September I posted an image of Jonny Quest; on 12 September we learned of the deaths of both Jonny Cash and John Ritter. I believe I am responsible for their deaths, and I apologize.
Responsible...but not responsible enough to stop her murderous blogging. So remember, next time you read one of her jokes and exclaim, "Ha! She slays me!"...Well, be careful.
Friday, November 26th, was a momentous day in the World O'Crap world. In fact, I would choose to categorize this day as her coming of age. For this was the revolutionary day upon which S.Z. first decided to summarize the loony columns at Town Hall.
Hey, it's the day before Thanksgiving, and the Town Hall columnists have been busy little beavers, churning out SEVENTEEN new pieces for today. They must imagine that everyone is planning on devoting their entire long weekend to "the flagship on the web for conservatives everywhere." But I don't think that's really the case. Today's busy conservatives everywhere have errands to run, food to cook, marriages to preserve, and crosses to burn, and so they don't have time to read and digest this many new Town Hall columns.
But they also don't want to miss out on possible new developments in the lives of their favorite pundits, such as Ben Shapiro getting laid or Ann Coulter explaining that Adam's apple. So, to make life easier for everyone, I've provided a capsule summary of ALL of today's Town Hall columns, as well as providing a representative quote from said column. No, no need to thank me. Knowing that I'm helping to combat the evil liberal plan to "portray our side as mean-spirited and heartless in order to turn the American public against us" is reward enough.
False advertising aside (we never did hear about Ben getting laid or Ann explaining her mannish neck), S.Z. knew she'd hit upon something good. Somewhere between her natural brilliance and sheer intellectual laziness, she'd managed to come up with a golden formula for success. Here she is just two days later:
Since I have no creativity left today, I'm going to once again just summarize the Town Hall columns. As on the 26th, the recurring themes are: Gay Marriage is Bad, the Medicare Bill is Bad, Ronald Reagan is Good, and Thanksgiving Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry About Iraq. But today you also get Rich Lowry's favorite beer ads, Ollie North's call for more Wayne Newtons, and some info on which races make the best newspaper men:
Boy, that could have been last week. Well, except for the Thanksgiving part. Not surprisingly, the Town Hall summaries continued two days later. And then the day after that. And then two days later she summarized them yet again:
Nothing exceptionally goofy today, just the usual mean-spiritedness, some same-sex marriage doomifiying, and a batch of Bush boosting. Oh, and a giant snow penis.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the giant snow penis. It was that same day that S.Z. chose to reveal a deep-seated fantasy that should perhaps have been allowed to remain hidden:
While I don't think that a giant snow penis implicitly threatens any women (except, perhaps, for petite snowwomen --it really CAN be too big for some women), I kinda like the idea that it replace the "Southern Cross" as a symbol of white racist pride.
Uh...ye-eah. Why don't we just move on.
The year 2003 ended with a flurry of Town Hall summaries, Rush Limbaugh jokes, more Town Hall summaries, and a brilliant decision to infiltrate the GOP.
And speaking of people who infiltrate the GOP in order to do nefarious things, I am a Team Leader for the RNC. Well, I didn't MEAN to be one -- I just gave them my email address so they could send me their "Democratic Candidate Bingo" card (which they never did, BTW), and now I am provided with the following Benefits:
Benefit #1 being her torrid (but surprisingly loveless) affair with Karl Rove. Yes, I know. Disgusting. I won't even mention benefits 6-9. This is, after all, a family blog.
Before we finish out the year, though, I must mention an event that changed my life forever. You see, it was on Christmas Eve that I read my very first blog entry. Until that day, I hadn't even known what a "blog" was. My awakening happened like this: I had just read a column of some sort by World Net Daily columnist Vox Day and thought it might be fun to do a Google search on him and the U.N. (I had my suspicions even then). Within the portentous search results that greeted me, I saw a strange website listed – a site known simply as blogs.salon.com/0002874. From the moment I clicked on it, I was hooked. I think maybe it was the casual (yet authoritative) way S.Z. suggested the following for Vox and fellow boy toy columnist Ben Shapiro:
So, even though Vox is Southern Baptist and Ben is a rabbi, and Ben is a virgin (while Vox has been accused of being a sexist pornographer), I still think that somebody should arrange a play-date for the two young men.
Boy, now that I know Vox, I think that's even funnier than I did then. A surreal follow-up to this came later when Vox decided he quite liked World O'Crap as well and gave S.Z. (whom he called Eponymous) a special mention at his own blog:
He's generally not inclined to take me on, unfortunately, and his readers are about as intellectually sophisticated as you'd imagine, but he is the one funny left-wing blogger that I've encountered. Sure, the obsession with who Ben Shapiro and Kyle Williams are not sleeping with gets old, but one must give credit where credit is due and I happen to find it amusing. Maybe you won't, but hey, it's my blog.
At this point, somebody seems to have clued Vox in to S.Z.'s true gender and he responded by writing this now-legendary phrase:
Apparently he is a she. I was under the mistaken impression that Eponymous was a homosexual he.
Of course we all know now that gender confusion is a fairly common occurrence in Vox's world but that was probably our first real glimpse.
As the new year progressed, S.Z. flirted with Amber Pawlik, obsessed about Janet Jackson's nipple, and started the World O'Crap book club.
Everybody else has a book club. Oprah has one. "The Today Show" has one. Even Kelly Ripa has one. ("Fun, frivolous, fast and fiction, that's what Reading With Ripa is all about.") But when I saw that Sean Hannity had one I said to myself, "Damn, what a crappy book club! Say, that gives me an idea. . . ! "
And so, welcome to the World O'Crap Book Club -- featuring crappy books that we haven't read, and which we encourage you not to read either.
And you know what? I never did read them. Good thing too because most of them were by people like Michael Savage and Dr. Laura.
On February 5th, S.Z. made history by revealing the secret identity of anonymous high-profile bloggers like Atrios, TBOGG, and the weird guy who runs Sadly, No!
Blog: Sadly, No!
Real Name of blogger: Dr. Seb No!
Address: 9 Brottenwurstenslagen Way, Munich, Germany
Occupation: Supervillian, international spy
Family: Wife Amber; adopted grownup son Frederick.
Hehe. Jokes at the expense of Seb and Frederick just never get old, do they?
Anyway, this mention of Seb is probably a good time to throw things over to him because he's going to be covering things from here with his (I'm sure equally insipid) S.Z.: The Later Months. Of course just between you and me, Seb's been hitting the wowie sauce a little hard these past couple of days so I can't vouch for his part.
But one last personal note before we head over to Sadly, No!. I cannot finish without mentioning what is perhaps S.Z.'s most nefarious deed. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she is the one who first introduced the world to the Dark Window.
Pete M., whom you might remember from the comments section of such blogs as this one, has started his own blog, DarkWindow. He promises it will be required reading in all major univesities that Ben Shapiro may Google. And it has a cute mugshot of somebody who may be Pete.
Cute, eh? Is S.Z., as Frederick has so eloquently put it, "warm for my form?" Well, only time will tell (we're hoping yes). But in the meantime, I close by saying this:
In a world of cookie-cutter blogs and supermarket personalities, S.Z. stands out as an original voice and a truly wonderful human being. She has an extraordinary gift for making us laugh day in and day out and has never asked for anything in return.
I can't tell you how comforting it is to know that no matter how bad a day I might be having, fun conversation with friends and laughs at Wing Nuts' expense are only a short click of the mouse away.
Thanks for all the hard work and dedication, S.Z. You've touched more lives than you realize. And on a more personal note, thank you for all of your support, encouragement, and kind words. Any success I've had here at the Dark Window is directly attributable to you
and Seb and I am most grateful. I love the things you do but, more importantly, I cherish your friendship.
You deserve far more than this lame-ass tribute but since lame-ass is what we specialize in here at the Dark Window, let me be the first to say: Happy first birthday!