Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: A Very Special Episode Of Doug Giles

Prepare to be horrified...

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

A Very Special Episode Of Doug Giles

As I mentioned over at Sadly, No!, the normally dependable S.Z. came down with a mysterious illness (i.e. mono) and was unable to provide us with her usual Doug Giles Sunday fun. Seeing as this is the final installment in Doug's "pastors should focus on politics" trilogy, I felt it necessary to present his latest chef d'ouevre myself. Please pretend that my Doug Giles piece is funny and informative like S.Z.'s would have been.

So without further ado, I present Pastor Doug Giles! [wild applause]

Pastors and priests avoid politics because such concerns are “unspiritual,” and their focus is on the “spirit world.” Yes, to such imbalanced ministers, political affairs are seen as “temporal and carnal,” and because pastors and priests trade in the “eternal and spiritual,” such “transient” issues get the same attention from them as Rosie’s AbBlaster does from her.

Wing Nut Statement of Faith #1: Pastors who focus on spiritual things are "imbalanced."

What drives this type of clergy and Christian? Well … this brand of believer desires a “personal relationship with Jesus only” type of religion. This bunch is primarily into heavenly emotions and personal Bible study, tucked away from society and its complicated issues. Being preoccupied with looking inward and upward, such solipsistic saints inadvertently chain themselves to the never ending treadmill of spiritual introspection. They forget that they are commanded to be seriously engaged with our culture.

What kind of minister compares spiritual introspection to a "never ending treadmill?" I'm thinking Doug's not a terribly deep man.

Next, our culturally-engaged pastor says that some ministers are scared to get involved in politics because they worry people might confuse them with the Taliban.

Ministers, please blow off the tongue wagging blowhards who try to intimidate you into silence by making quantum ludicrous scat laden analogous leaps in equating the implementation of a Biblical worldview with the Taliban’s cross-eyed perspective.

I don't think anybody could argue with that. Mainly because I don't think anybody could understand what the hell it means.

Ministers can’t get involved in studying or speaking out regarding political issues simply because of the ten tons of minutiae they are forced to field. Spending time wet nursing 30-year-olds without a life and being bogged down in committee meetings over which shade of pink paint should be used for the Woman’s Aglow ministerial wing of their church, ministers are lucky if they get to study the scripture nowadays, much less anything else.

"Without a life" evidently meaning "seeking spiritual answers." Ministers who spend their time addressing such things rather than becoming Right Wing political activists are obviously under the sway of Satan.

In the unending, need-driven narcissistic American church, pastors work overtime for spiritually overweight parishioners regarding issues that ultimately are inconsequential. This is both the fault of the ministers (messiah complex) and fault of the congregants (me-monkey syndrome), and both have got to have an exorcism or something...if the church is going to tackle pressing cultural issues.

"Or something."

Here are a few tips for the congregation to help avoid the frying of their pastors’ brains and actually assist him in laboring for a better tomorrow within our nation.

Do not call him every day to discuss your dorky problems. We all have problems. Suck it up.

Somehow I'm thinking that members of Doug's congregation have more problems than the rest of us, though. The fact that Doug is their pastor being the first one.

Lose you [sic] codependency upon your pastor and other church leaders. Grow up, Dinky.

Yeah, Dinky. Only a loser would expect help from his pastor.

Staff or volunteer to your pastor’s weaknesses.

Staff. Pastor's weakness. Hmmmmm...

Send him, once a year, on the church’s dime, to D.C., a serious worldview conference, and on a month’s paid vacation.

I think Doug's hinting at something here. How much do you want to wager that he has these columns printed in his church's Sunday bulletin?

If you do the above for your pastor, and if he’s worth his salt, you will watch him move from babysitting grown ups to slaying giant secular monsters which intend to strip our nation from Biblical influence.

In other words, Doug sits in the bathtub on Saturday nights and pretends to slay giant monsters. He has so much fun that he figures it has to be God's will.

The creepy thing about a lot of ministers is their unwillingness to give political offense when offense is needed, simply because taking a biblical stand on a political issue might cost them their time share in Aspen and their Chrysler Mini-Van. Oh well, what do you expect? Christ had his Judas and evangelicalism has it cheap prostitutes.

Wait...I thought the month-long vacations were a good thing. Doug's certainly laying down the law, though. Used to be you were only a traitor if you were a liberal. Now you're a traitor if you aren't offending people politically.

Never fear, pastor. Even though nailing your colors to the mast during putrid political times might cost you a parishioner or two … don’t sweat it. There are also tens of thousands of serious parishioners who are looking for leaders with the ‘nads to lead the church to make its proper stance during days of declension.

Doug talks about his "nads" an awful lot. Makes you wonder just how "blessed" he really is. Please see "staff" and "pastor's weakness" above for more details.

So...my advice to you, Mr. Minister, would be to stay the Biblical course against the secular corrupters.

Because if you do, Doug guarantees a couple of things. Like:

He will supernaturally increase your revenue to labor for His cause

In other words, He'll make you rich. And then there's also this:

You won’t have to look the other way when you approach a mirror

Because we all know how much God hates ugly pastors.

And so finally, after a three-week hiatus, Doug arrives at his fabled ClashPoint:

My ClashPoint is this: If Christian ministers would crucify their fear of man, get solidly briefed regarding the chief political issues, not sweat necessary division, not get caught up in last days madness, maintain their hope for tomorrow, understand their liberties under God and our Constitution, not become so heavenly minded they’re no earthly good, focus on the majors and blow off bowing to cash instead of convictions, then maybe ... just maybe...we will see their influence cause our nation to take a righteous turn away from the secularists’ putrid path.

For once, ladies and gentlemen, I don't think any commentary is necessary.

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