Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: Some Fairly Startling Revelations From God About France

Prepare to be horrified...

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Some Fairly Startling Revelations From God About France

Well, it's the weekend, folks, and that means just one thing...It's time to learn what God thinks about France. So let's head on over to the 700 Club where Pat Robertson is giving one of his legendary "news" interviews. Take it away, Big P!

ROBERTSON: Joining us now from our Washington bureau is Kenneth Timmerman. He is an investigative journalist and author of "The French Betrayal of America." Ken, welcome back to the 700 Club.

Is it any surprise this guy has been a guest before?

Kenneth Timmerman, Investigative Journalist

KENNETH TIMMERMAN: Thanks for having me on, Pat. It's always a pleasure to be with you.

At this point, Kenneth reaches over and grabs a French flag which he uses to blow his nose.

Okay, that didn't really happen. I just made it up. But if there's anything the 700 Club has taught me, it's that it's fun to make stuff up.

And now it's time for Pat's first hard-hitting question.

ROBERTSON: Did Jacques Chirac (French president) lie to the President?

Ooooooh. I'll bet he did!

TIMMERMAN: Yes, he did.

I knew it! Those damn French bastards! Uh...Sorry to interrupt. Go on, Ken.

I learned this from sources in the White House and from other U.S. officials who were privy to this conversation.

That's good enough for me! Boo for France! France sucks! Boooooo, France!

This conversation goes on for quite some time with Ken talking about how dastardly France and Jacques Chirac are. And then he pulls out the big guns...He claims Chirac and Saddam Hussein are secret best friends. Fortunately, Pat doesn't let this incredible assertion go without asking the hard questions.

ROBERTSON: How close was he to Saddam?

Hooray for Pat!

TIMMERMAN: That is a story that I go into great detail in the book. Jacques Chirac was a personal friend of Saddam Hussein. And it is Chirac who describes him that way. I talk about Saddam's first trip to France in September 1975. Chirac squired him around the country, he took him to an Air Force base, took him to see French defense contractors, and also took him to a top-secret nuclear weapons facility. It was during that trip when Chirac stuck to him like glue, that Chirac offered to Saddam Hussein a nuclear bomb plant, the Orison nuclear reactor. If the Israelis had not taken out that reactor south of Baghdad in June 1981 in an air strike, Saddam would have the wherewithal to build an entire arsenal of nuclear bombs by 1985.

Those French are so romantic. I still remember the first time S.Z. took me to an Air Force base. It was then that I knew she really loved me. I still get all giddy every time I hear an F-16 fly overhead. (Love ya, baby!)

At this point, Pat seems to forget that he's the one doing the interviewing. Here's his next "question":

ROBERTSON: The French were duplicitous in their relationship with Saddam, because they tripled the price. It went from 50 million to 150 million, and who knows how many people got paid off under the table.

So not only did Chirac love Saddam. He also tried to screw Saddam! What a freakin' frog! Pat's certainly right to call France on her treacherous friendship animosity whatever-it-is with Saddam.

After Pat asks Ken about France "playing footsie with the Mullahs in Iran," he takes the interview where you all knew it was going. Because there's one French connection that's more sinister than anything else in the entire world.

ROBERTSON: One last question. I am told that John Kerry, the Democrat-putative nominee, has a first cousin who served in the socialist government in France. He seems to be quite a Francophile. Could you tell us anything about that?

Pat has proven once and for all that he is a master interviewer and that CBN "News" is truly an institution to rank with the New York Times. I think I smell a Pulitzer...Well, I think I smell something anyway.

TIMMERMAN: Yes, 'John Francois Kerry,' as the French refer to the presumed Democratic nominee, his first cousin was a man named Brice Lalonde. He was the head of the Environmentalist Party, the Green Party, in France. He is now the mayor of a small town in Brittany, the town where John Kerry spent his summers as a child while he was growing up in Geneva, in one of the expensive finishing schools and going to see his first cousins in France every year.

Frankly, it's hard for me to imagine anything more vile than having a French cousin.

ROBERTSON: Well, Kenneth, I hope your book is successful. This is a very important book, ladies and gentlemen. When we are talking about foreign policy, Kenneth Timmerman is a very persuasive writer. This is a book called "The French Betrayal of America." It is on sale in book stores around the country, or you can get it on the Web, by logging on to cbn.com. Kenneth, thank you very much for being with us.

But then I see Pat and I realize that I don't have to.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

Pat Robertson, God's Man For Our Time


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