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Monday, August 23, 2004

Fun With Wing Nut Collectibles

In our quest to keep up with all the latest Right Wing trends here at the Dark Window, we recently came across a "new" product that all the cool Wing Nuts are talking about. You see, some brilliant patriots got it into their heads that you can never have enough of a good thing. Well, enough of a thing, anyway.

And so they came up with an item that bills itself as "The Definitive Collection of Political Playing Cards."

Please, ladies and gentlemen, try to keep your composure.

Liberty Productions is pleased to make available the 2004 edition of the Bush League All Stars collection of political playing cards. Combining a generous mix of satire, art, and conservative commentary, the Bush League All Stars constitute a heaping five-course meal of conservative red meat served up for the vast right-wing conspiracy to devour in droves!

I certainly won't malign the idea that this set is a good representation of a heaping five-course meal of conservative red meat.

Add to this collection a very special tribute deck honoring the Coalition-of-the-Willing, and what you end up with is an entertaining and enlightening election year collectible that no politics junkie or informed voter should be without.

The Coalition-of-the-Willing set: defining every possible meaning of 'not playing with a full deck.'

Have you grown tired of the endless barrage of hastily-assembled, overpriced cookie-cutter political playing card decks that have flooded the market since the release of the popular Iraqi Most Wanted deck of cards? Your patient wait for reasonably priced, top-notch conservative satire is finally over!

Yeah, nothing "cookie-cutter" about that! I guess there's a reason why everybody calls Liberty Productions the Sadly, No! of political playing card manufacturers.

“Why pay upwards of $14.95 for ONE DECK of boring photos and annoying rants? Why not get a better bang for your buck with SIX DECKS of unrestrained right-wing satire and patriotic tribute – and all for just $29.95? These are quality cards, folks. Printed on 300 Corona 2-Ply card stock by world renowned card manufacturer, Carta Mundi, these cards are the real deal!

Well, at least somebody on the Right has finally acknowledged that all those other decks were pretty boring. But that's some logic. One deck = boring. Six decks = hours of unrestrained fun.

Uh...Woohoo!

SO LET US REVIEW....
$14.95 FOR ONE DECK OF CRUD = BAD DECISION!!


I'll certainly agree with that.

$29.95 FOR SIX DECKS OF QUALITY = GOOD DECISION!!

It is, after all, the American way. If one of something is bad, then six of the exact same thing must be positively sublime.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE---IT GETS EVEN BETTER!!!

You can hardly imagine my excitement at this moment.

BUY TWO SETS, GET ONE FREE!!
SO WHAT THIS MEANS IS....


I may be a little slow but I'm pretty sure I know what that means. I would wager that even Seb knows what it means.

GOOD DECISION X 2 = FREE STUFF!!
WHICH MEANS YOU CAN THEN....
USE ONE SET FOR CARD GAMES....
GIVE ONE SET AS A GIFT...
AND SAVE THE THIRD AS A COLLECTIBLE!


That's right. If you’re truly cool, you'll actually buy 18 decks of these things.

“It’s a slam-dunk win-win. You get the best conservative satire ever slapped onto the face of a playing card, PLUS you are contributing to a worthy and timely cause.

Who wouldn't want the best conservative satire "ever slapped onto the face of a playing card?"

To those who think they can beat us on quality and price, we proudly quote the heiress-leeching, running-mate-ass-slapping, ski-crashing, botox-injecting, Whoopi-loving, intern-shipping, throwing-a-baseball-like-a-girl, sleep-inducing, flip-flopping, long-faced Massachusetts liberal who, by the way, served in Vietnam, in laying down our challenge to them to....BRING....IT....ON!!!!

I was about to quote the oil-worshipping, bunker-hiding, draft-dodging, Halliburton-protecting, crooked-mouthed Wyoming Wing Nut but realized that would probably be inappropriate at a family blog such as this one.

But don’t purchase just yet.

I promise I won't.

Take a few moments, if you will, and come join us for a brief tour of political playing cards the way they were meant to be made!

As taught in the seminal 1927 work Political Playing Card Manufacturing: An Industrial Primer.

These cards have been designed for those folks who have more than a passing interest in politics, have ever been referred to by others as a politics junkie, a political junkie, maybe a news junkie, or perhaps even a newshound or a news hound.

Translation: anybody who has ever been referred to as a Wing Nut, a wing nut, a wingnut, or perhaps even a wing-nut.

These cards are geared towards the vast right-wing conspiracy, towards those looking for conservative humor, or conservative cartoons, or perhaps an art form called conservative satire, or conservative parody, call it political humor, even political satire, heck, why not even call it political parody?

Heck, why call it that when you can call it keyword spamming?

So how about some examples of these quality cards. Let's start by looking at the Loopy Liberals, a group described thusly:

Next up is Loopy Leftists, a witty gathering of entertainment dunderheads, dorky activists, and left-wing “intellectuals”, all of whom share an undying love for liberalism and a never-ending disdain for America.

For starters, there’s MoveOn.org’s Wes Boyd Remember him? He says the president is a “misleader”. We say if anyone knows misleaders, it’s Wes Boyd.

Best conservative satire slapped onto a playing card indeed! "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"

And naturally, no deck of mental misfits would be complete without the Stupid White Man– no, not Rob Reiner or Al Franken, but those are good guesses! Are we having fun yet?

I kinda hate to break it to you guys but...

In the five-hole we present Thugs & Weasels, a witty yet sobering survey of evil-doers, bad-boys, and ne’er-do-wells who threaten the world’s pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness, ignominiously joined by the wusses and putzes who enable and encourage them.

Say, did Doug Giles write that?

Saddam Hussein understood well his best chance to re-open the rape-rooms.

Abu Ghraib? Nope. John Kerry.

Here's the card:



Gerhard Schroeder wasn’t nearly as confident.



Mohammed Atta is finding that Paradise isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Evidently because hell is filled with European girls.



And of course what group that includes Mohammed Atta would be complete without also including Jimmy Carter?



But lest you think these decks only disparage liberals, there's also this final deck that honors our most valiant heroes.

This deck pays honor and respect to the brave leaders of the Coalition-of-the-Willing, whose moral clarity and intellectual honesty enabled them to stand proudly with America up to and throughout the duration of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Sure. How else would you describe the decision to invade Iraq than "intellectual honesty?"

So there you have it, folks. 101 of the best reasons to treat you and your friends, family and colleagues to the best that political playing cards have to offer. And if that wasn't enough, it is our pleasure to inform you that the best satire, parody, and commentary lies within the 200+ cards we didn't even show you!

I should certainly hope so!

See you later, everybody. I'm off to practice my shuffling skills.

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