Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: Defending Yourself Against Terrorists, One Eye-Poke At A Time

Prepare to be horrified...

Monday, August 09, 2004

Defending Yourself Against Terrorists, One Eye-Poke At A Time

If you're anything like me, you've probably been quite unnerved by all these homeland security alerts. Fortunately, NewsMax shows us that we don't have to be scared any longer.

Trying to catch up on the weekend's news this evening, I came across a large banner ad there that told me I could learn to defend myself against the terrorists.

Already breathing easier, I clicked on the link to see these happy words greeting me:

Politically Incorrect Fitness & Fighting Instruction

I wonder what "politically incorrect fitness" means. For Yosef's sake, I just hope it doesn't involve midgets.

"If America Is Attacked Again... Are You Truly Prepared to Stand Up and Fight to Defend Yourself, Your Loved Ones - and Your Country?"

I already bought a copy of My Pet Goat to use after the next terrorist attack. I kind of figured I could read it until everybody else figured out what was going on. But Matt Furey, the brains behind this new defense system, is rapidly convincing me I need more.

Dear Friend,

Tee hee. Thanks, Matt!

I am very concerned about the future of our country. Although I desperately want to only think about positive things, the truth of the matter is that I deeply fear that our country is going to be attacked again. And if it is, I want to be prepared. What about you?

Well, as good as being unprepared sounds, I guess I should probably say "prepared."

I'm sure you remember where you were and what you were doing during the World Trade Center bombing on 9-11. It was a horror show - that we know.

Immediately afterward karate schools across America began doing record numbers in terms of newly enrolled adults. And many martial arts masters began teaching their most treasured secrets because they didn't want to see another American tragedy.

Ah, yes, I remember this valiant time well. It brought tears to my eyes to see the great martial arts masters teaching us to fight the terrorists using the dreaded "karate chop."

Neither do I. But the trouble with the karate school approach is that it takes too long to learn and is too fancy or "traditional." The average person doesn't want that and most certainly doesn't need the "slow boat to China" method of training.

Hell, yeah. Count me out on that "slow boat to China" path, too! I'll take the "speed boat to Des Moines" approach, please!

He needs to learn how to snuff the enemy fast. And he needs to be able to watch and absorb life-or-death information and put it to use, if need be, almost immediately.

Cool! The legendary Ninja touch of death!

Matt Furey, making our waterfalls safe again

Make no mistake about it, what the average person needs is brutal hand-to-hand fighting skills, the kind that so many members of our own military have learned from me by studying my courses.

I'm sure no mistake will be made, Matt. Not after reading your ad, anyway.

You need to focus on fast and brutal force. That's the way real men (and women of today) have always handled conflict - and the times we're in now are more perilous than ever before.

I wonder what that would make Jesus. That paragraph does seem to sum up the Wing Nut approach to conflict resolution, though.

Now, you may think that terrorism cannot be stopped with brutal hand-to-hand fighting skills. But this is just not true. Don't ever forget Richard Reid, the "shoe bomber" who was beaten down and stopped while in flight to the U.S. Imagine the tragic ending if those flight attendants didn't know what to do. [Emphasis Matt's]

If only Annie Jacobson had known how to snuff out those Syrian musicians! Then that terrifying flight of hers would never have been dangerous at all!

At this point you're probably wondering how this amazing system of Matt's works.

Poke Mike Tyson in the eye, and I guarantee that he will be stunned long enough for you to inflict even more damage - and to remove yourself and others from harm. [Emphasis still Matt's]

Well, if recent history is any indication, you could probably poke Mike Tyson in a lot of places and still be able to remove yourself and others from harm.

Here's a sampling of some other techniques Matt teaches:

The secrets of knocking terrorists out with lightning like speed!

And if you can't find any terrorists, use it on your Muslim-looking neighbors!

Destructively brutal knockout shots on the feet or on the ground that a terrorist will never see coming!

I have to admit that destructively brutal knockout shots on the ground sound pretty cool.

Secret weapons on your own body that you've never used before - but can be learned and mastered almost instantly!

I sure hope Seb doesn't hear about this. His body's already scary enough now that he's abandoned his Canadian flag speedo.

Deadly holds you can easily learn and apply that immediately put an attacker to bed for good!

Ooooh, I just wish Sheri Valera would attack me! Grrrawr!

At this point, Matt thinks about telling us why we should pay $197 for this package but then has a better idea.

Of course, I'm inclined to tell you these videos are "the bomb" - but why not let some other well known military men do the bragging from me?

So instead of listening to me, let's take a look at what some heavy hitters in the U.S. Armed Forces have to say about what I'm teaching:

Yes, let's let other well known heavy hitters tell us why this terrorist-stopping system is "the bomb."

"Mr. Furey,
You are a patriot and providing a service to our country. What you are doing is taking what God gave people and helping to make them a smarter fighter and for that I commend you. I love your books, your monthly news letter, and appreciate your no B. S. conditioning tips. "

Beau J. Bartel
Deputy U. S. Marshal
Criminal Investigator

Okay, now that I've read it, I think one heavy hitter is sufficient. Beau already managed to work in God, patriotism, fighting, AND buying Matt's tape series. I don't think there's much left to find out.

The above comments pretty much let you know why you must get these seminar videos or DVD's in your library. Again, if you order now you'll receive six videos and one bonus video that teaches you "How to Hit Like Thunder & Lightning" - for only $197 (normally $297). The material on these videos contains the dirty secrets that you could travel the ends of the world to find - and come up empty-handed. They are THAT good. [Emphasis still, of course, Matt's]

He's right there. You can come up empty-handed without ever having to leave your own home.

After signing his "letter," Matt remembers something important.

P.S. What will you do if America is attacked again? Never assume it won't happen. That would be negligent. All of us have a duty and responsibility to do all we can to "stand up and fight." My Defend Yourself, Defend America package is normally $297 - but if you order now you can get the entire set of six videos - plus one bonus video - for only $197. Don't delay. Get prepared NOW.

Yes, dear readers, you would be negligent and unpatriotic not to buy Matt's system. From this point on, any Dark Window reader who has not learned how to snuff out a terrorist with fast and brutal force will be considered a treacherous liberal sissy.

Okay, you're all pretty much considered that now but...


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