Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: Kirk Cameron Shows Us The Way Of The Master

Prepare to be horrified...

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Kirk Cameron Shows Us The Way Of The Master

We've been looking at a lot of Christian t-shirts lately as part of our series on cutting edge trends in End Times witnessing. Today we're going to look at something even more cutting edge - a state-of-the-art witnessing system developed by evangelist Ray Comfort and legendary actor Kirk Cameron called The Way of the Master.

You may remember Kirk from the groundbreaking television program Growing Pains or the critically acclaimed movie Left Behind. The WOTM system banks heavily on his star power as he hosts the video programs and gives all kinds of animated talks on the website. As soon as you visit the site, Kirk walks out onto your screen and, in a little animation, tells you how to get started. Here are a few highlights:

Who do you know who isn't saved?...The Bible says that when they die, if they're found guilty on the day of judgment without the savior, God will give them justice and they'll spend eternity in hell.

That's interesting phrasing..."God will give them justice." Maybe it's just me but that sounds sort of sadistic. Like God's saying, "Hey, Pete. I'd like to give you something...ETERNAL CONDEMNATION!"

God doesn't want them to perish and I know you don't either.

Awww, now you're just buttering me up, Kirk.

Please don't let your loved ones go to hell without trying to rescue them.

That would kind of make me a monster if I didn't try, huh? Of course I'm not sure what that would make the God who gave me such lousy friends and relatives that they're too lazy and self-absorbed to buy this system to win my soul. I prefer not to think about things like that.

After Kirk's little introduction we're directed to a screen that lists several choices we can make to funnel us into the appropriate section of the site. Most involve some variation of "Somebody I love is going to hell. What do I do?" So let's start with:

I'm trying to witness to someone who thinks they're already a Christian, but I suspect they are not saved.

Let's ignore the bad grammar and click that one. I'm thinking Karl Rove.

Congratulations! You've just got yourself the toughest witnessing encounter of all. Wait. Osama bin Laden might be tougher.

Hehe. Good one, Kirk.

If you're not sure how to approach this person or you're simply tired of arguing with them, I've got something just for you. I've put together a kit that will thoroughly equip you to stop fighting and effectively lead that person to get soundly saved. If you're not wildly thrilled with this teaching, send it back to us and we'll refund your money. Come on. Order the Way of the Master Foundation Course and you'll be on your way to reaching them.

A wildly thrilling kit, eh? Well, I'm not sure yet. I'll click on another option. "I'm concerned that someone I love is going to hell"?

It's so good that you're concerned about your loved one. That shows that you have compassion.

Cool! Now I'm just like Michael Savage. He calls himself a compassionate conservative.

Here's what I want you to do. I've created a little kit that will give you all the skills you need. Will you try it? Will you invest a few hours of your life for the sake of a loved one? Then click on the picture and order the Way of the Master Foundation Course. If you're not wildly thrilled with the results, send it back and we'll return your money.

Boy, Kirk sure wants to sell me one of these kits. Every question seems to lead to the conclusion that I should buy one. And that constant refund refrain makes me think Kirk's auditioning for the role of infomercial host. After Way of the Master, I foresee Way of the Real Estate Master.

Clicking on the picture Kirk mentioned leads me to a sales page where I can choose from several different products. Kirk recommended that I go with the Foundation Course so I'd better click that.

$59.00 for the first 8 episodes (on 4 DVDs). Kinda steep. I'm not sure I love Karl Rove that much. And since it only includes the first 8 episodes, it looks like I'll have to pay extra if Karl turns out to be difficult.

In this eight-lesson course, you watch and learn as Kirk and Ray teach you from exciting locations, and then invite you to be a “fly on the wall” as they share their faith on the streets (with hidden cameras) to normal everyday people, as well as gang members, atheists, cult members, etc.

I like how they point out that atheists aren't normal everyday people. And I wonder what they mean by "exciting locations." Given the above paragraph, it sounds like maybe they infiltrate secret witchcraft covens run by unbelieving rappers. Seeing Kirk in that kind of setting might actually be worth the 59 bucks.

Anyway, let's take a look at the episodes:

Episode #1: The Firefighter

Ooooh. Kirk in a firefighter outfit. Grrrawwrr!

Episode #2: The Mirror of the Ten Commandments

Oh, yeah...I remember that episode. It's the one where Kirk uses cheap shampoo and winds up looking like Judge Roy Moore. Hilarity ensues until his mom counsels him to buy a new shampoo.

Episode #8: WDJD? (What DID Jesus Do?)

I think this was one of the more dated episodes in which their Puerto Rican neighbor steals Carol's bike. Alan Thicke, in his typically girly liberal way, convinces Kirk not to turn him in.

I'm still not sure, though. $59 seems like a lot of dough when I can be legally ordained for only $29. And I still haven't paid that bill so my status as the Dark Reverend is still sort of iffy. Besides, I should probably save my money for when Seb and I finally get our dates with the holiness gals. Seb's dead set on taking them to the Olive Garden so I'm going to need that $59.

In spite of that, I hope today's lesson in cutting-edge evangelistic techniques has been informative and inspirational for all of you. Don't forget to tune in next time for another exciting installment of Trends in End Times Witnessing!


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