Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: Found: Weapons of Man's Destruction!

Prepare to be horrified...

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Found: Weapons of Man's Destruction!

That was the title blaring at me from the front page of NewsMax. And since NewsMax breaks stories about Weapons of Mass Destruction being found on a weekly basis, I'm guessing they probably know a lot about Man's Destruction, too. I'd better have a look.

Hey, wait a minute. It's just another one of those sneaky ads disguised as a news story. Oh well, it does sound important and ground-breaking so I guess I'll read it anyway.

Hmmmm...Let's see here...Dr. Al Sears is selling a medical newsletter in which he addresses everything we think we know about health and fitness: It's A Lot Of Bull!

Health and fitness = lot of bull...Yep, this is NewsMax alright.

Don't Believe What You've Been Told About Your Health...

Okay.

MODERN MEDICINE WANTS TO TURN YOU INTO A WOMAN - AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT!

He's right. I really didn't know that.

If you'll take just a few minutes of your time to read this bulletin, you'll learn more than you've probably ever known before about how a man can reverse the aging process and achieve maximum health. Without pain, and without sacrifice. And without listening to all the garbage that's put out by the mainstream health media.

I'm guessing that buying into this program depends a great deal on not "listening to all the garbage" from the mainstream health media.

What else will I learn, Doc?

How to eat fat and get thin and healthy fast.

Hey, I like the sound of this! Maybe I'll finally be able to impress S.Z. with my ultra-masculine body. And all I have to do to achieve it is to eat a bunch of fatty foods!

'For Twenty Years Fat Doctors Have Been Telling You How To Lose Weight And Get Fit. But Since 1991 Alone Obesity Is Up 61%. What Gives?

So this doesn't have anything to do with the fast-food chains that dot nearly every intersection in the country or the increasingly sedentary* lives led by most Americans? Anyway, sorry to have interrupted, Doc. Please tell me what gives.

I'll Tell You...

Dr. Sears is really good at building suspense.

So much of what the medical establishment tells you is
pure Bull
.

Oh. You said that already. Frankly, I'm feeling a little let down.

Modern Politically Correct Medicine Is Trying To Turn You Into A Woman!

Yeah, you said that before too. The "Politically Correct" was a nice touch this time, though.

It may sound a little strong to say it, but men are not only being 'feminized,' we're being subjected to a slow and potentially deadly 'chemical castration.'

And that chemical is called Ashcroft.

So let other people follow the crowd and starve themselves eating bibs of lettuce, bland vegetables and tofu. Let them avoid meat, stop beer and wine and the occasional shot of excellent Scotch and a fine cigar, let them spend an hour a day on the treadmill, avoid sunshine and everything else that makes life fun and pleasurable...

Yes, let them stop the occasional shot of excellent Scotch while eating bland bibs of lettuce! You and I are way cooler than that, huh, Doc?

In fact, it's very possible that with the information you're going to get today, you may now enjoy better health, conditioning, energy, and sexual vitality than you've ever had in your life.

There seem to be an awful lot of qualifiers in that sentence.

If you'll give me just ten minutes of your time, you're going to discover that most of what you've been told about what's good for you is WRONG. You're not a lab rat for health fads or politically correct flag wavers. You're a man, genetically created and programmed, and most of your natural instincts are the best thing for you.

That's good. Feeling like a lab rat for politically correct flag wavers has really been getting me down.

Now let's see what will pep me back up. What are some of the benefits of this program?

* a thin, lean abdomen

* spontaneous erections

* impressive muscularity


Those spontaneous erections could be dangerous but the rest sounds good. I wonder what Dr. Sears' secret is.

Oh, it's testosterone. Well, I guess he knows his market. And he's got a list here of who's healthiest (i.e. who has more testosterone):

* Bosses have more testosterone than their workers.

* Trial lawyers have more than tax lawyers.

* Commodity traders have higher levels than the back-office crew.

* Actors have more than ministers.


Dang! That last one puts a serious damper on my bid to become the Dark Reverend. And a commodity trader? I think I'll stick with being unhealthy, thanks all the same.

It's a vicious cycle of decreasing testosterone and increasing estrogen. You start to look and feel more like a woman but your mind, and your culture, still expect you to be a man!

Well, if you've seen Seb lately, you'd know that this part is true.

So what's it going to cost if I want all this great health?

$69.00 for a two-year subscription to his newsletter. Dr. Sears says it's a $479.00 value. And let's face it...who wouldn't want to look like this guy?



By the way...what's that weird splotch on his forehead? It looks kind of like somebody just had one of those spontaneous...



In related news: My good friend Seb, the womanly guy I was telling you about earlier, has a wonderful story about how WMD's really have been found!

* Flagrant geological error corrected per Thlayli and SocraticSilence

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