Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: The NewsMax Road To Dating Success

Prepare to be horrified...

Monday, June 14, 2004

The NewsMax Road To Dating Success

In spite of my best efforts to win the elusive S.Z.'s heart, she remains somewhat less than whelmed. The Donald Rumsfeld doll I bought her elicited little more than a pained smirk. Even my invoking of the language of love did not stir her to passion. In fact, I fear it only reinforced her impression of me as a virulently anti-American traitor.

In addition, several readers are now using the Dark Window comment feature to mock my inability to find girls who will go out with me.

As I was thinking about all these sad things, it dawned on me that unattainable chicks like S.Z. dig guys with really big bank accounts and solid careers (things which I badly lack) and, feeling depressed, I decided to go do some shopping to lift my spirits. And where else would I go but America's finest news source? Imagine my joy when I saw the answer to all my problems right there on the NewsMax front page: A promise of instant riches!

Dear Friend:

I am not particularly bright or gifted.

Since we're among friends, Robert, I can tell you that I knew that already. This is NewsMax.

About the only things I'm any good at are writing, speaking, and marketing. And I'm not great – just decent.

I think it's painfully apparent to anybody who reads my blog that I'm not even good at those things. But I'll keep reading. I am, after all, desperate.

Working from the comfort of my home, I made over half a million dollars last year in my little one-man consulting business.

Half a million dollars, eh? That could sure buy S.Z. a lot of Ronald Reagan commemorative earrings...

My home office window looks down on our wooded property, where chipmunk, squirrel, deer, raccoon, and fox roam freely. I sip my morning coffee in peace and tranquility, while other folks are already stuck in yet another boring, endless meeting

I've been calling in sick to work and writing my blog entries from the zoo. Pretty much the same thing. Unfortunately, this hasn't led to half a million dollars so I'd better keep reading.

My definition of success is "Doing what you want to do, when you want to do it – and being paid very, very well for it."

Wait a minute, Bob...Are you trying to tell me that I can get paid very, very well for making fun of people? Because I could get into that.

Although, I don't always do it! I prefer a modest lifestyle.

Unfortunately S.Z. does not. And constantly trying to keep up with the Cheneys to impress her has nearly bankrupted me.

Now, my consulting specialty is marketing, because that's what I know (my first two jobs were in corporate marketing). Yours will be in whatever field of knowledge, skill, or service you know best.

What if I have no skills or services?

Consultants are needed in virtually every area

Oh, well, okay then. I am now officially declaring myself a consultant. Want some help writing some stale insults or second-rate sarcasm for your blog? Then I'm your man!

Today you cannot buy How to Guarantee Your Consulting Success in a bookstore. In fact, you cannot buy it anywhere, at any price.

Just how the heck am I supposed to find this great treasure, Bob? It has become apparent that I can no longer continue without it.

But now you can get a PDF copy via email absolutely FREE when you become a member of The American Consultants League.

Oh, cool! I love how NewsMax always gives me free stuff when I buy something! And I can't wait until we meet the National Consultants League in the Super Bowl! I'll be the "tight end", S.Z.

I wonder what else I get with this incredible package.

how to find the highest-paying consulting assignments you can qualify for (see chapter 2)

To be honest with you, Bob, I think my readers and I probably already know the answer to that.

Shortcuts to writing proposals that win a maximum amount of new business with a minimum of time and effort (chapter 6).

The Dark Window is all about "minimum of time and effort".

Choosing the right name for your consulting practice: Does using a made-up name work better than using your own name? Surprising answer (chapter 3).

Too late for that. Especially since my last name is not "Window". Maybe that's been my problem.

Do you need a Web site? What should it look like? What should be on it? Plus: How to build your Web site for under $250. See chapter 3.

Already have one. And I obviously didn't spend a cent on it. I'm beginning to think I already know all this stuff, Bob.

What to send a potential client who calls and asks, "Can I see some more information about your consulting services?" Hint: It's not your resume. See chapter 4.

Okay, this is actually pretty good advice. Especially if you've seen my resume. I think giving it to S.Z. right away was probably a mistake.

What never to say to a potential client at the initial meeting. Utter these words, and you're out (chapter 5).

Hmmm. I'm afraid I've probably already said them. Is there a chapter about how to take them back? Or how to mask them with other, less meaningful words?

Making the sale even when the client says, "Your price is too high" – and 9 other common objections you can easily overcome (chapter 8).

What if one of those objections includes the words "I have a restraining order"?

Well, anyway, Bob's convinced me that I need his life-changing package. I'm sending him my credit card information as I type. I can't wait to tell S.Z. I'm a member of the prestigious ACL!

But boy, if this new consulting career doesn't win her heart, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll just have to sit under her window with my guitar and serenade her. I've even been working on a new song.

"Let the eagles soar..."


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