Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: John Kerry's Big Problem: God Made Him French

Prepare to be horrified...

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

John Kerry's Big Problem: God Made Him French

Well, I'm back home after spending an extended Memorial Day weekend with my family and, for me, this holiday was a time of deep and solemn remembrance. I deeply and solemnly remembered why I live over two thousand miles away from them. In honor of these reflections, I'm declaring it Family Day here at the Dark Window.

Our first piece comes from the CBN "News" ministry. They have a very important message for us about John Kerry's family history and that seems like as good a topic as any for Family Day.

Emblazoned across the top of CBN's website is the sinister-sounding title John Kerry's French Connection. It's written by one of my very favorite CBN correspondents: Dale Hurd, CBN's Senior News Reporter (Hooray for Dale!). Dale has some shocking revelations about Monsieur Kerry that he'll relate to us from a godly perspective.

When Kerry got into the race in 2003, the automatic assumption in the pundit class and among anyone who hadn't studied his background thoroughly, was that the man is Irish.

Dale certainly isn't CBN's "Senior News Reporter" for nothing. It takes a great deal of talent to point out that people who don't actually take the time to read about something might have some misconceptions. But that's not really where Dale's going with this article. In fact, Dale seems to be saying the complete opposite. In true Wing Nut fashion, he places the blame for this misconception not on the idiots who never bothered to do any research on what they were writing about in the first place but upon John Kerry for not personally calling every one of them and telling them about his sordid background. Thankfully, though, Dale is kind enough to share this background with us so Kerry won't have to.

If you missed the media revelations earlier this year about Kerry's newly discovered French roots, and you still assumed he was Irish, you are not alone. The senator, who is actually half-Jewish and half-English with a lot of French relatives, is accused of being less than forthcoming about his heritage.

Who's accusing him of that? Dale's not really saying so I'm going to offer my own bit of senior news reporting. Dale Hurd is accused of being a freakin' MORON.

We discovered that the mayor of Saint Briac, Brice Lalonde, did not want to talk to us about his famous American cousin. Apparently, the Kerry campaign is nervous about the 'French connection,' as well as news photos showing Lalonde's obvious pride in Kerry.

So Dale discovered that people don't really want to talk to him about something as vital as the fact that some of John Kerry's relatives are French. Don't they know that Dale represents God and Pat Robertson? They really must be evil surrender monkeys. But in true CBN fashion, Dale draws an even more explosive conclusion. If Kerry's cousin doesn't want to talk to Dale then "apparently" it's because Kerry's campaign is nervous about him being French. And who wouldn't be? Everybody knows how much God hates the French.

The two cousins are said to remain in regular contact, so we asked the Kerry campaign if it or the senator asked Lalonde to stop talking to reporters. They did not respond.

Just what are those weasely French and the traitors at the Kerry campaign trying to hide?

Lalonde once ran for president in France as well, in 1993, on the Ecology ticket, and he served as the environmental minister in the cabinet of Socialist President Francois Mitterand. Lalonde is known as a committed environmentalist, but apparently not committed enough for some.

That is pretty damning stuff. I mean Kerry's related to a guy who's French, a socialsist, AND an enviornmentalist. But in case you might be sympathetic to the environmental part, the relative probably isn't REALLY an environmentalist. He's only "known as" one.

When Kerry got into the race in 2003, the automatic assumption in the pundit class and among anyone who hadn't studied his background thoroughly, was that the man is Irish.

The CBN editors must have really liked this point because this is the second time it shows up. But then why wouldn't they want to showcase the talents of their "Senior News Reporter?"

Newspapers often described him that way, and media-digging has not turned up a single letter to the editor from Kerry explaining that he was Austrian-Jewish on his father's side. The Jewish name was Kohn, later changed to Kerry, and English-French, the Forbes, on his mother's side.

And of course it really is beyond the pale that Kerry isn't out writing letters to editors everywhere telling that his father is of Jewish descent. To be fair, media-digging has also not turned up a single letter to the editor from Dale explaining that he's not a psychopathic Nazi.

"Politically speaking, in a presidential sense, it pays to be Irish," says CBN News Political Editor John Waage. "There are undecided, independent, blue-collar, ethnic Reagan Democrat voters to be had, in vote-rich electoral states. Now, if your ancestry is French, where you gonna go? Quebec doesn't have electoral votes to offer."

So Dale's principle source of analysis in this article is another CBN "News" guy. Well, at least he's keeping costs down. It certainly cuts down on long-distance tolls when all you have to do is ask the guy sitting in the next cubicle over what he thinks. No wonder Dale is their ace reporter.

If Kerry were running against Bush in France, he would win, hands down. The French love his style, and the fact that he speaks French fluently.

If Dale Hurd were running for "Idiot of the Week" in Virginia Beach, he would win, hands down. The Wing Nuts love his style, and the fact that he works tirelessly to paint Kerry in any negative light he can dream up. Not that Dale actually is running for that. But if he were, you know?

Most French hate George W. Bush. But the French won't be voting in this election. And with some Americans viewing France as an adversary these days, it is support that Monsieur Kerry doesn't need, and the reason his campaign would like to change the subject.

Kind of a powerful statement about "most French" hating the Bushman. Especially since "some Americans" view France as an adversary. And since this is the kind of support that "Monsieur Kerry" doesn't need, Dale and the fine folks at CBN are going to make certain they put it right up at the top of their ministry's website.

Thus concludes another fine message from the ministry that is CBN. So send a little love offering to God (via Pat, of course) so He can continue to spread the Good News that John Kerry is a French Jew.

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