Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: The Dark Window Goes Shopping (at the NewsMax Clearance Rack)

Prepare to be horrified...

Friday, June 04, 2004

The Dark Window Goes Shopping (at the NewsMax Clearance Rack)

Well, summer's nearly here and I thought it might be a good idea to go do some shopping. Thinking maybe I could pick up a cute new outfit to impress S.Z., I grabbed my wallet, jumped into the old Civic, and headed down to the NewsMax Shopping Mall.

NewsMax has always seemed to me like the place to go if you feel you're not getting enough spam in your inbox. If you need to enlarge your penis, buy gold, or lose weight without exercising or changing your diet, then NewsMax is for you. Uh...not that I need any of those things, S.Z....I just wanted to find some high-quality merchandise and figured that, given their track record for excellence and honesty, NewsMax was probably the place to find it.

As soon as I entered the mall (a garish and somewhat dated sort of place) I was greeted by a friendly pop-up banner announcing that I was visitor number 1139510 and that I'd been awarded a "pre-paid 7-night 'Disney Planning Resort' vacation from a DIRECT activation." I'm not sure what that meant, exactly, but it was really nice of them to offer it. Lord knows I could use a planning resort vacation.

With visions of thatched huts and tropical drinks in my head, I started browsing through the apparel section. Sadly, I decided that the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan hat and Bush Country T-shirt package was probably beyond my somewhat modest means (I am a blogger, after all). Even the "Live Free or Die" fleece was too expensive.

Thinking I might be able to impress S.Z. with some cool new artwork instead (I've heard that chicks dig culture), I wandered over to the American Historical Art department. Kind of a meager selection. A lithograph of Ronald Reagan wearing a cowboy hat and a picture of Richard Nixon meeting Elvis. Fine selections, both of them, but neither elegant enough to complement the black velvet nude of Newt Gingrich already hanging above my sofa.

Just as I was about to give up hope, I noticed a sign advertising a NewsMax clearance sale. After carefully counting the eleven dollars in my wallet, I gleefully began to browse the excellent selection. Let's see here...a Deck of Weasels poster, an FDNY shirt, a book by David Horowitz...a...wait, what's this?

The Donald Rumsfeld Talking Action Figure

List Price: $29.95
NewsMax Price: $9.95

A true patriot, Donald (Rummy) Rumsfeld is tight-lipped and reluctant to let the press know exactly what is going on behind closed White House doors for secrecy’s sake and the safety of our military.

That's one way to look at it.

Although he may disagree with the President and members of the President’s cabinet on certain areas of defense and security, he has shown himself to be a trusted and loyal friend to the Presidency and to the people of the United States, always placing their welfare first.

Hey, isn't that what they said about Chalabi? Well, anyway, the Rummy doll says all kinds of really great things when you "press his button". Things like (and I'm not making these up):

"I believe what I said yesterday...I don't know what I said, uh, but I know what I think and I assume it's what I said."

"The only choice one has is to proceed...and use coercion."

"The question you ask, however, is not a question I can answer."

Pretty damn adorable, that's for sure. And come to think of it, Chalabi might have said all those things, too. It's practically like getting two talking action figures for the price of one! I'd better add it to the cart.

Hmmmmm...What else is there? I know S.Z. likes books so I'll look through them and see what I can...

Vincent Foster: The Ruddy Investigation

List Price: $19.90
NewsMax Price: $4.95

Well, that certainly does seem like a good value. Perhaps I'd better take a closer look.

This 223-page soft-cover book includes all of Chris Ruddy's news reports from the New York Post and Pittsburgh Tribune-Review plus crime scene sketches and charts. Sure to be a collector's item.

That's the entire description? Not much to go on. But if it's sure to be a collector's item, I hate to let it go. Besides, if I buy it now, I get four free months of NewsMax Magazine - a $20 value. So I'll just get this Ruddy book, too, and...aw, jeez...I forgot that I only have $11.00 to spend. After paying shipping on the Rummy doll, I won't even be able to afford the clearance-priced NewsMax Magazine: Dr. Laura Edition for 99 cents.

Where's Richard Mellon Scaife when you need him?

I guess my shopping trip didn't turn out to be very successful. As I was getting into the car I accidentally dropped my new Rummy Action Figure onto the pavement and now, when I press his button, he only makes a strange groaning sound.

Maybe I should just remove his glasses and tell S.Z. it's a George Tenet doll...


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