- Name: Pete M.
- Location: Oakland, CA
- Thrilling Days of Yesteryear
- Jesus' General
- Public Domain Progress
- Bartholomew's Notes
- Uncle Horn Head
- Vox Day
- Nothing New Under The Sun
- No More Mister Nice Blog
- Liberal Oasis
- Mouse Words
- Femme Fatal
- The Infinite Stitch
- Roger Ailes
Prepare to be horrified...
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
The Dark Window Gets Religion
Blondesense, the proprietress of one of my favorite blogs, received a delightful spam message a couple of weeks ago and it really made me ponder the future of the Dark Window. She found out that you can become a legally ordained minister in less than 48 hours.
Minister Charles Simpson has the power to make you a LEGALLY ORDAINED MINISTER within 48 hours!!!
Right, I just said that.
Anyway, Blondesense sure got me thinking. What if I became a legally ordained minister? Then I would run a legitimate ministry just like Hal Lindsey and Pat Robertson. I could begin to build an empire dedicated to my name and amass a fortune from my faithful readers - all while mocking those who disagree with me and, more importantly, ALL IN GOD'S NAME!
I wonder what else I could do...
MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER, or your BEST FRIEND!!
Hmmm. I don't think I like any of those choices. What about the hot chick who plays the organ during Sunday blog entries?
BAPTISMS: You can say "WELCOME TO THE WORLD!!!! I AM YOUR MINISTER AND YOUR UNCLE!!"
I can say, "Welcome to my blog!!!! I am your minister and a fraud!!"
Forgiveness of Sins
Ooooh...I like it. If Glenstonecottage doesn't wash my car he's so going to hell.
Preach the Word of God to those who have strayed from the flock
Hell-ooo Jessica Hahn!
WANT TO START YOUR OWN CHURCH??
Do I ever!
After your LEGAL ORDINATION, you may start your own congregation!!
I can see it now. A flock of smart-ass liberals coming together to worship God through second-rate satire.
This would mean some minor changes to the Dark Window but I think everyone will agree that they're all positive.
Readers would be expected to tithe. For those unchurched among you, that means you have to send me 10% of your income. I assure you that it's a small price to pay for your eternal soul.
Although the Dark Window is partial to heathen girls, Reba and her friends would be strongly encouraged to convert to Fenestrism in order to enjoy most fully the new Dark Window fertility rites.
Readers would be expected to "witness" in order to gather new converts into the Dark Window fold. They could do this by wearing catchy Dark Window t-shirts (available for a
nominal fee small love offering) and passing out copies of recent blog entries to the "unsaved."
Since I know how much you want to help others, you're going to receive your Minister Certification for under $100.00...
Not even $50.00...
You are going to receive the entire life-changing course for only $29.95.
Did I mention that I'm poor?
For only $29.95 you will receive:
1. 8-inch by 10-inch certificate IN COLOR, WITH GOLD SEAL.
(CERTIFICATE IS PROFESSIONALLY PRINTED BY AN INK PRESS)
2. Proof of Minister Certification in YOUR NAME!!
3. SHIPPING IS FREE!!!
Printed in ink? That's pretty classy! And it's in my name? I guess I'd better sign up.
Let's see here...I don't have the $29.95 so maybe I'll just write and ask if Charles Simpson will ministerize me for free and...uh, there doesn't seem to be an e-mail address here. The only way I can contact him is by sending my credit card information.
Well, I'm sure it's legit. This is, after all, about God. So if some heavenly soul out there will just pony up the thirty bucks, we'll get some old time religion here at the Dark Window.
Hallelujah and will somebody PLEASE pass the damn collection plate already!