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Prepare to be horrified...

Monday, May 24, 2004

One Nation Indivisible with Liberty and No Homos for All

It's late Sunday evening and we all know what that means...Monday's edition of World Net Daily is out! (Hooray for Monday!) As usual, they have a bevy of hard-hitting investigative pieces about how the Democrats are the party of treason, how Hillary Clinton murdered Ron Brown, and how experts are picking gold in this time of global uncertainty. Okay, so none of these are really news and, well, most of them are actually just ads disguised as news articles and well, heck, they weren't even written by World Net Daily.

So does World Net Daily actually have ANY news pieces that they write themselves? YES! Well, "yes" if you consider recapping the main points of a conservative website news. But I certainly do and it sounds pretty exciting so let's read, shall we?

The article is a fine piece about how a group of Godly Christians called Christian Exodus is planning to form a "new nation" within the United States.

Calling the approval of same-sex marriage in Massachusetts "the straw that broke the camel's back," a group of Christian activists is in the beginning stages of an effort to have one state secede from the United States to become its own sovereign nation.

They say they're planning to move to South Carolina in such numbers that they'll have enough supporters to sway the state vote for secession. They then go on to list a bunch of really evil things that are currently happening in America to explain why they want to take such drastic action. Things like kids not being allowed to pray in school, the fact that the 10 Commandments are "banned from public display," and (my personal favorite) that "the Bible is not welcome in schools except under strict federal guidelines." (Italics theirs)

Right. Because if the Bible's use in schools were left up to the states or, better yet, to individual teachers (especially after we've gotten rid of all those NEA commie stooges), then our poor, misled children would finally be allowed to learn the truth: namely that man and dinosaur walked side-by-side just 5,900 years ago, that the citizens of Iraq want to kill you and everybody you love and turn this country into a hell-hole like Europe, and that Jesus hates dentists Gays.

"All these atrocities continue in spite of the fact that we now have the 'right' people in places of power."

Atrocities? Wow, that's fairly strong language to describe these things. But let me see if I can understand what WND seems to be telling us. Killing, beating, torturing, and humiliating prisoners at Abu Ghraib (and breaking Geneva Conventions in the process) = fraternity hazing. Rules against fundamentalist Bible indoctrination in public schools and facilities = atrocities. Now I know I should be trying to say something snarky here but all I can think of is ATROCITIES??? What the hell is wrong with these people? Jeez!

Sorry, I'll try to maintain a bit more composure from here on out. As I was reading through their list of atrocities, I thought secession seemed like a pretty drastic step but figured that, at the very least, they had a new constitution and an excellent set of Godly laws already in place for the faithful, laws that would take the place of the evil laws they're leaving behind.

For now, Burnell prefers to shy away from specifics on the precise laws governing the country. "Independence first, details later," he says.

Hmmm. That's not really a lot to go on. If they don't have any laws to replace the ones I'm giving up then why, exactly, am I doing this again? Is it really just because we can no longer pray in schools? This whole thing suddenly seemed a little fishy so I decided to visit their Godly website to find out more. Greeting me in a happy font at the top of the page were these stirring words:

Would you like to live in a Christian nation with government similar to the early United States?

Boy, would I ever! Hooray for Christian nations! Hooray for God! Hooray for Benjamin Franklin and Paul Revere! Um, one quick question...why, exactly, are we seceding? Is it really because of a short bullet-list of vague problems? Well, the website is slightly more clear about this than the WND article would lead us to believe. In fact, the entire secession thing seems to revolve around one key issue...GAY MARRIAGE!

However, it is evident that the forceful implementation of gay marriage will devastate our nation beyond repair and many Christians will join our ranks at that time.

Cool! I think this means Jack Chick will be joining us! He can be our new Godly nation's Poet Laureate! Hooray for Jack! And boo for Gays! If they try to move near us then we're just gonna have to start our own country!

(Of course this leads to the obvious question: Why do the folks at Christian Exodus hate America?)

Lastly, many people will find it impossible to move, and ChristianExodus.org is uncertain as to what extent Christians will rise up after gay marriage is legalized against their will. It is possible that a cry will go up from all over the Bible Belt and many different states will call for dissolution of the Union.

Oh, good. As long as the whole Bible Belt will be seceding, I won't have to move to South Carolina. Now I can also choose from Mississippi, Alabama, and Kentucky. While we're waiting, I'm gonna see if Jack wants to go get a Beer with me.

Tune in next time for another great World Net Daily journalistic masterpiece.
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