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Prepare to be horrified...
Friday, May 28, 2004
Checking in with the Future
Well, it's one of my favorite times of the week: Hal Lindsey's latest words of prophetic wisdom are out! If you're not familiar with Hal, he's the moustachioed fellow who keeps us abreast of God's timetable for sending His son back down to earth to kill liberals and terrorists.
If you haven't met Hal yet, you may enjoy poking around his website. Like all the best Christian ministries, his website prominently displays his photo and name throughout and has many links to Conservative news sources. He calls it the "Hal Lindsey Oracle" and, much like that ancient Oracle at Delphi, he seems to hold back on giving you the good stuff until you agree to send him some of your hard-earned lucre. Let's see what he's offering us today:
According to Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, President Bush "has on his shoulders the deaths of many more troops, because he would not heed the advice of his own State Department of what to expect after May 1 when he ... declared that major combat is over." The Islamic media was tickled to find a quote from an American political leader saying the American president has blood on his hands. They couldn't have said it better themselves.
Kind of an abrupt beginning to your column, Hal, but at least we don't have to wade through a bunch of fluff to find out where you're taking us. That's right, folks. It's time for another exciting edition of Terrorists Love the Democrats! Of course his
frickin' loony well thought-out argument implies that people who vote for Democrats are basically voting for Osama Bin Laden so we could just as easily entitle it Democrats Love the Terrorists!
Hal then goes on to quote other crazy liberals and media types and then offers helpful commentary on their statements. Commentary like:
You just can't buy propaganda quotes like that. Islam Online was delighted.
One of the things I love about Hal Lindsey is that these kinds of statements are part of his "ministry." Faithful followers of
Hal Christ send him money to write stuff like this - evidently so they can be certain in their knowledge about what God really thinks of liberals. (Hooray for Hal!)
So where's he going with all this? What is the outcome of evildoers like Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry questioning the Bushman?
It is almost like a witnessing [sic] the incitement of a lynch mob – except that the ones inciting the mob are the ones who will eventually be the guests of honor at the necktie party. It isn't like al-Qaida's operatives are planning to separate Republicans from Democrats in their next attack.
I think he's saying that the Demoncrats are inciting the terrorists but since the terrorists love the Demoncrats I'm not quite sure how this works in practice. Oh well, Hal certainly knows better than I, so let's let him continue:
There are two Americas right now, at a time when America desperately needs to stand united against a common foe. As in Vietnam, America can only be defeated from within. And our enemy knows that. That is what he is counting on.
So if you question or doubt anything the Bushman does, you're in the bad part. And nobody wants to be in the bad part! You know, the part that's trying to defeat America so that we'll all have to wear burkhas. Oh, wait, no, it's the part that wants all Americans to bare their nipples. No, wait, it's...Dang, Hal, now I'm confused. Which part was it again?
Fortunately, though, no matter how complicated Hal's thought processes may be, he ends with something we can all understand. The Bible. He is, after all, a "ministry."
And Jesus knew their thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand ... (Matthew 12:25)
Somebody ought to point that out to the "other" America – before it is too late.
Tell you what, Hal, I'll point that out if you'll point these out to your part:
"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." (Matthew 5:5)
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." (Matthew 5:9)
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27-28)
Hell, maybe I should start my own damn "ministry." Lord knows I could use the money...