Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com The Dark Window: "Birds and the Bees"

Prepare to be horrified...

Thursday, May 20, 2004

"Birds and the Bees"

I am thrilled to announce that our old friend Jack Chick has just come out with a new and very timely tract (Up yours, Massachusetts!). He calls it "Birds and the Bees" and it's all about how God hates gay marriage (Hooray for God!).

Our story begins in an elementary school classroom where a sinister-looking teacher tells her students that she has a surprise for them. The kids all shout with glee and we suddenly see a picture of two pretty creepy looking guys, both dentists who are "highly respected" in their community, both with their own cute, cuddly and loveable pet demons. The fun really begins when the two introduce themselves:

Cool! Larry and his wi...hey, wait a minute...good grief! Is he actually saying that Larry and Charles are husband and (oops!) wife??? Well, I guess he is because all the little boys and girls shouted that out in unison.

Notice the girlie way the two "men" stand (hand on hip, shoulder cocked) and wave. I have to admit - Charles is sorta cute, the way he's all coy in front of the kids. I also have to admit that the two little demons genuinely seem to love each other. I'm not yet sure where Chick is going with this...Is it possible he's telling us that love of any sort can be a good thing?

Well, actually, no. And here's where things get a little complicated. Frankie, a little boy who seems to wear an awful lot of eyeliner, bravely raises his hand and asks the teacher if Larry and Charles are "Queers." As you can probably imagine, this is just too much for our underpaid and overworked Destroyer of Children to take. Suffering from a sudden onslaught of acute problem perspiration, she shows herself to be just like any other government school employee - a hater of all that is good and holy:

Fortunately, the two dentists are able to maintain at least a small degree of composure in the face of this relentless onslaught by what they can only assume to be an imminent (if pint-sized) threat to their entire existence. But as they try to reassure the other kids that there are famous people (hooray for famous people!) who are gay, Larry appears to have a heart-attack. As Charles looks on in loving concern, Larry manages to utter his famous last words - and uses them to inform the kids that Gays want to throw everybody who disagrees with them into jail:

Evidently, these heart attacks are fairly common in our government schools because Chick helpfully informs us at the bottom of the page that this is how "the Gays are changing the way little school kids think." You've really got to hand it to them, though. That heart-attack bit sure got MY attention!

After school all the kids in class gather around little Susy - a precocious tyke with a penchant for fire and brimstone. She answers their frightened queries by telling them how God has hated (and killed) dentists with pet demons throughout history:

But don't fear, faithful reader! Even if you happen to be an evil Gay (or look like Vincent Van Gogh), there's still hope. Oh, wait, never mind...Chick doesn't actually say that.

Well, anywhoo, little Susy leaves us with a heartwarming and life-affirming lesson in love:

Awwww. Isn't she just DARLING?


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