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Prepare to be horrified...

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Defenestration

We would like to apologize for the recent lack of posting here at the Dark Window. Unfortunately, due to several recent events, the Window will probably be remaining dark for quite some time to come. Indefinitely, one might say. We hope this doesn't cause too much inconvenience (although we have a very hard time imagining what, exactly, that inconvenience might be). If you miss our sarcastic take on life in the meantime, we strongly urge you to read (daily) our two favorite humorous blogs: World o'Crap and Sadly, No! as well as the other fine websites listed over to your right.

We hope to be back with our usual inane commentary sometime in the not-too-distant future but, well, we can't really make any promises. Just recognize our awareness that a day without Debbie Daniel is a sad day indeed.

- The Management Pete


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Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Prepare to be doubly horrified

Well dear friends, it has now come to this. Pete M. is away and who should show up but us, Sadly, No! If there ever was a time when the name of our blog was a fitting response, that time is now. In order to help you deal with this temporary transition, we have prepared a Questions & Answers post below -- a comedic device invented by us over the weekend and used for the first time ever here.

Q: Dear Sadly: While I kind of tolerate your "humour" over at your blog, the last thing I need when I visit The Dark Window is more of that crap and less of Pete M. goodness. Aren't you in effect replacing our diet of Alpo Supreme with drinking out of the toilet by posting here?

A: Questions such as these -- they're reminders to all Americans that they need to watch what they say, watch what they do. This is not a time for remarks like that; there never is.

Q: Well, as long as you're here, do you know what has become of Amber Pawlik?
A: Yes. Amber has decided not to write anymore unless she gets paid for it. Unsurprisingly, this means she isn't writing anymore.

Q: Have you offered to pay her with gratuitous insults and childish remarks about her appearance?
A: Our accountants have told us our account is overdrawn.

Q: So why am I reading this blog?
A: Because it's on the internet!

Q: Is is true that Carey Roberts is 134 years old?
A: No. That picture was taken two years ago. .

Q: Is Roberts insane?
A: Looks that way to us:

According to socialist-feminist theory, a vast anti-female conspiracy known as the "patriarchy" controls the social order. When you ask a feminist to explain that mind-boggling statement, she invariably points to the fact that the great majority of elected officials are male. And according to the Marxist analysis, those callous male patriarchs look out only for their own kind, leaving women neglected and downtrodden.


Q: What does chivalry mean according to Roberts?
A: It means that men should support the children they father, and neither beat nor sexually harass women.

Q: You're joking, right?
A: Sadly, No!

Q: Are you going to introduce us to new wingnuts while you're here, or are you just going to ridicule whatever crap you find on Renew America or WorldNetDaily.
A: That depends -- are you familiar with Justin Darr or Judson Cox?

Q: Never mind -- looks like we know the answer.
A: You're welcome.
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Thank You

I would like to take a moment to offer my sincere gratitude to everybody who sent such lovely thoughts, condolences, and encouragement during the last few days. I was very touched by all the warm wishes and kind sentiments. Everything you wrote and said made things a little easier and a little less lonely.

And now for a bit of good news. After my friend Sunny's memorial celebration this evening, I'm going to be leaving town for a few days. What's the good news there, you ask? Well, the good news is that this blog will probably become funnier while I'm gone than it's ever been before.

You see, the self-proclaimed third-funniest person on the internet may (or may not) stop by to keep you entertained in my absence (Note my relative position on his list). So keep checking back if you want to howl with derisive laughter at one of the legendary humorists of Canadian descent living in central Germany our time.

Again, thank you for all the encouragement and warm thoughts. And thank you for sharing the memory and magic of my dear friend. I'll see you next week.

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Friday, November 19, 2004

Sunny

My friend Sunny Perkins died this week from severe injuries sustained in an automobile accident far too horrible for me to describe. She was an artist. She was a dancer. She was unbelievably beautiful. She was warm and she was caring and she gave without asking anything in return. She was 27 years old.

I have no idea how to offer any sort of appropriate tribute. Anything I might include would be far outweighed by what I forgot to mention and that thought makes me want to stop right here.

But let me show you a photograph.



That was taken the night I met Sunny. Cagney and Harlow have nothing on us, we said as we laughed. We always laughed. And then as that crazy party raged all around us, we somehow found a quiet corner and Sunny mentioned Saul Bass (who mentions Saul Bass?) and I said, Saul Bass? Are you kidding me? and we knew right then that we shared a glorious dark bond and a warm, kindred spirit.

I find myself hating words at this moment. Words (especially my words) cannot begin to convey the life and fire and magic of this luminous girl. At a time when words are all I have, words have become meaningless.

I'm sitting here at my desk trying to hold on to some piece of you, Sunny, but you're disappearing and I'm terrified because of it. I feel like I'm trying to hold water in my hands. No matter how hard I try, it slips through my grasp, and nothing I can do or say or even write will change this.

So since I have no words, I'll simply offer a memory.

It's one of those magical drizzly winter evenings we only have in San Francisco. You know the kind. We're sitting at the bar in a nearly empty 500 Club drinking Mandarin and Sodas and you decide we need to play a game of pinball. Sure, I say, but you're going to lose. You laugh and punch me in the arm (a little too hard, I might add) and we amble over to the machine. I put a couple of quarters in and you kiss me on the cheek but I'm already focusing on the game with the competitive ferocity of a 6 year-old. And we play and we play and we tell each other dumb stories and we listen to endless songs by the Cure and the Smiths and every so often we look out through the open door and see the lights glowing softly outside in the real world and realize there's no place we need to be, no place we need to go, and we're simply here and we're happy and it's now. And then we look at each other and we giggle like little kids and you jab my flipper so I'll miss the ball and by the time we've finished laughing we can't figure out who won anyway.

Farewell, Sunny. I love you. I always loved you. I'm sorry I never told you those kinds of things while you were here.

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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Sharing Christ's Love Against The Homos

When we first began the Dark Window back in May, we wrote a few pieces about one of our all-time favorite Wing Nuts: Jack Chick. Unfortunately, for reasons that were explained at the time, we were forced to stop linking to his delightful comics (something which still causes us great sadness). Maybe you know the ones we're talking about. The comics with devils running around saying "Haw Haw" and people getting consigned to the fires of hell on a nearly page-by-page basis.

In spite of our inability to link to his cartoons, we still check in on his website regularly (even if we don't write about him) because, well, there's nobody even remotely like Jack. If you're curious, make sure you check out some of his legendary tracts. We especially recommend "Big Daddy," "Angels," "Dark Dungeons," and "The Tycoon."

As we were enjoying Jack's latest newsletter, we came across a rather extraordinary article. It seems that a group of street witnessers was jailed in Philadelphia for sharing God's love with homosexuals.

Hate speech laws are gaining momentum but a test case is in court in Philadelphia. Eleven members of a street witnessing team from Repent America were arrested and jailed for 21 hours. The team was attempting to witness at a homosexual "Outfest" on public property.

Repent America. That name rang a bell and then I remembered why. They made a big scene here in San Francisco when the gay marriages were taking place. They forced their way into the courthouse and tried to save marriage by preventing anybody there from getting married. Maybe you've seen some of the Christ-like photos:







I'm just going to be honest with you here. If a man wears a fanny pack in public, he should be arrested simply on principle.

So what happened when our friends took their show to Philadelphia? Something we're having a very hard time understanding. Listen:

The original charges read to them included three felonies and five misdemeanors. Felonies were for "ethnic intimidation," "criminal conspiracy," and "possession of instruments of crime." Misdemeanors included "riot," "failure to disperse," and "disorderly conduct." If convicted as charged, they could face up to 47 years in prison. One member of the team, a 67-year-old woman is still in custody at this writing on a previous warrant in connection with an abortion clinic protest 9 years ago, that she had been told was cleared.

Ethnic Intimidation. I just want you to think about that one for a moment.

Say hi to the Red State Jesus, ladies and gentlemen. As long as you're white, that is.

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Tuesday, November 09, 2004

World Net Daily Explains Sex

Sex is bad.

That's pretty much all you need to know if you're going to be a good values-driven Right Wing Nut.

Fortunately, World Net Daily, one of the largest conservative "news" organizations on the Internet, is all over this "sex" thing today with a couple of helpful articles talking about how more people are having sex than ever before and that this is all the fault of one certain Democrat.

First off, we have Joseph Farah, that lovely paragon of Christian charity and love, the editor-in-chief of World Net Daily, explaining to us that Democrats who claim to be Christians are lying. Here's how he responds to a question Patricia Ireland, former president of NOW, recently asked:

She asked during a debate on the Fox News Channel: "If ... lesbian and gay rights issues were such a serious kind of value, a core value, why did Jesus never talk about them?"

Of course, the answer is that homosexuals have no special rights that distinguish what they do and who they are. They have only the same rights the rest of humanity has. The question should be more appropriately asked of people like Ireland, who pretend to be Christians, while asserting values that are contrary to the Christian faith and the Judeo-Christian tradition.


So we now have a new standard in matters of faith. If Joe says you aren't a Christian, then you damn well aren't a Christian.


God's Right Hand Man

Not surprisingly, Farah decides to use his power on more than simply Patricia.

My point is that people like Patricia Ireland, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton like to pretend they are operating under the same value system that led to Western Civilization, the same value system that resulted in the founding of America, the same value system that was taught by Jesus and the Hebrew prophets before Him.

They are not.


And then our militaristic friend goes on to say something fairly extraordinary:

It doesn't matter to them what Jesus taught. But they know it still matters to enough Americans. And if enough Americans see through their charade, then they can't win elections. And if they can't win elections, they can't impose their different morality on you.

Fortunately, Farah cares about all the things that Jesus taught.

Let's leave Holy Joe behind for a moment and move on to even more pornographic pastures. You see, World Net Daily's subscription magazine, The Whistleblower, is all about sex this month. And how sex is bad. And how in the 1950s nobody ever had sex outside of wedlock but now everybody does.

Whistleblower documents with devastating clarity exactly how America was transformed in five decades from the "Leave it to Beaver" innocence of the 1950s to today's wanton, "anything-goes" sexual anarchy:

Am I the only one who finds it funny that World Net Daily chose a television program called "Leave it to Beaver" to represent sexual purity? They might have been better off using that title as an argument against gay marriage.

First, there's the multi-billion-dollar pornography industry, which through the Internet is magically being transported into previously unreachable market territory – namely, the sanctity of millions of middle-class homes. There are 4.2 million pornographic websites – that's 12 percent of all websites in the world, totaling 372 million pornographic pages. Pornographic search engine requests total 68 million per day.

Given how many people find the Dark Window by actively searching for things like "Ann Coulter nude" or "Debbie Daniel spreads" or "Vox Day gardening in a pink thong," I've got to wonder just how innocent those sanctified middle-class homes really are.

And when it comes to passing blame for sin, you know what's coming next.

Then there is the youthful epidemic of "hooking up" – widespread, casual recreational sex, often with multiple partners. Turbo-charged by President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky's high-profile example – "if it's OK for the president, it must be OK for me" – middle and high school children are experimenting with sex in the bathroom stalls at school, behind the gym, and in the back of the school bus. More children, at earlier ages, are engaging in sexual acts than ever before.

That's right! It's all Clinton's fault! And it always will be!

Welcome to the new reality of loving Christian Wing Nut values. Just don't get on Farah's bad side or, you know, you're probably going to wind up in hell.

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Monday, November 08, 2004

Debbie Daniel And The Exit Polls Of Doom

It's no secret that everybody's trying to figure out exactly what happened during last Tuesday's election. Fortunately, we have our wise-beyond-years dear sweet precious Debbie Daniel to explain it to us.

Thanksgiving came early this year. I'm ready for a big turkey dinner . . . a feast . . . a celebration! Americans prayed and God answered . . . just like He always does.

Hooray for God!

This 2004 election was a referendum on the decency and morals of the American people. Christianity was being tested and there was a point where we had to let go and let God take control.

Mainly because Christianity was up the whole night before the election cramming for the test.

I experienced this first hand on Election Day when I realized there was not a single thing I could do to ward off the misinformation we were getting from the network media exit polls.

Kind of interesting that none of the network media was actually mentioning said exit polls.

They were absolutely manifesting situations that weren't happening, in hopes that we would buy into their propaganda and it would possibly make a difference in the outcome of the election.

Either Debbie was using her special powers to see a couple of hours into the future or Matt Drudge is now the network media. Either way, God help us.

I am absolutely convinced this is the case, but I couldn't prove it.

Have you ever heard a better Wing Nut slogan?

The exit polls were so far-fetched that I couldn't imagine what was going on. The media was determined to bring down the President and we could do nothing.

The frustration and helplessness I felt had just about consumed me with anger when I heard a still small voice speaking to me from a place deep in my heart saying, "Let go of it, Debbie . . . this is now in God's hands. There's nothing you can do."

That voice, of course, belonged to Herb – one of the other personalities fortunate enough to share Debbie's mind.


Debbie

Have we not seen a miracle?

Too bad Cecil B. DeMille wasn't around to make a movie about this miracle too. I can see it now: Charlton Heston (playing George W. of course) parts the red exit polls and escapes the evil clutches of Dan Rather (played by Yul Brenner in a bad wig). Edward G. Robinson reprises his role as Herb, the voice in Debbie's head.


Herb

We watched the network media "lose" to George Bush. It was as great a victory as the final countdown against Mr. Kerry. The look on their faces was a treasure to behold.

Maybe I'm missing something here but I don't remember any of the network media people talking about exit polls.

Unless I'm terribly mistaken, this will have a much more far-lasting effect than anyone can imagine. The network media's efforts were short of criminal in trying to sway public opinion with total untruths.

Short of criminal indeed.

I hope in the days ahead they will pay a heavy price for what was done.

You know, reporting the election results and stuff after the polls had closed.

And the media certainly gave no credence to the "prayer warriors" of this great land.

And they have the nerve to call themselves objective!

When people started praying . . . God listened . . . and He answered. That gave us a tremendous edge in this election, and you can't discount the power of prayer.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. No discounting allowed. The power of prayer is expensive. How else do you expect people like Benny Hinn and Paul Crouch to get so rich?

The heartland bled for Bush and the numbers show it. Power to the people . . . they've spoken again. Is the network media listening?

Is a trained psychiatrist?

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